Q: Pegging & Risks of Cancer?

Can the act of anal sex ( pegging) be dangerous for the receiver, health wise. I read in the Web that anal cancer might be connected with anal sex.

Anal sex can be a risk factor for anal cancer. This is because having sex increases the risk of HPV. Having more sexual partners would also increase your risk of anal cancer, because you’re putting yourself at higher risk for HPV, and therefore higher risk of anal cancer. The rectal tissue is also delicate, and tearing in the rectum can make it easier to spread STDs.

However, things like smoking, and being over the age of 55 can also increase your risk for anal cancer. I don’t want to overstate how worried one should be. Some men may still fear discrimination when speaking about their sexual health with their doctors. Being able to speak openly and comfortably about your concerns with your doctor is important. You’ll want to be able to ask these questions and get the appropriate and medically sound advice or tests if a concern arises.

There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex. Knowledge is power – so know how STDs can be contracted and what the potential side effects of these STDs are. Carry condoms with you and speak openly to future partners about their sexual health.

Have a question? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my website.

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Learning to Peg at 33

I am a 33 year old woman and have been married for 12 years and my husband just told me a about a year or so ago he wanted to be pegged sometimes it turns me on then others not really. I just want some advice on how to even feel dominant because I am really not I want to please him in every way so I am willing to try whatever but its still a little weird. I am a small girl and his a big guy so it just seems odd to me to be in control because he always has been till now.

Trying new things after twelve years of marriage is awesome. You’re awesome. You’re both awesome. Pegging (a word popularized by Dan Savage) is the act of a woman performing anal sex on a man with a strap-on phallus of some kind. The act of pegging in itself may make your partner feel submissive. No extra fancy setup or scene required. Why?

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prime, primp, peg.

Pegging is a word coined by Dan Savage to describe a female bodied person penetrating her male bodied partner. It’s anal sex, for those not lucky enough to receive their own phallus at birth. Pegging has really taken off in the last couple years, at least in popular discourse, as more and more couples begin to explore their sexuality together. Pegging is exciting because it can be intimate, it can be sensual, it can flex gender roles, it can fall into dom/sub play, and it can help us explore both comfort and trust within our relationships.

It’s also exciting because men are learning the anatomical masterpiece that is their ass. These nerve endings, and the p-spot (the male version of the g-spot) can create intense orgasms.

Exploring Sub/Dom Aspects and Gender Roles

Many men hesitate to bring pegging into conversation, even if it’s something that they’re interested in trying. Many men view pegging as a submissive act and feel that doing a submissive act would make them less masculine somehow. Dominance and masculinity need not be tied, and men should feel comfortable exploring their sexuality in whatever way excites them the most. Exploring submission in the bedroom also does not mean that you are submissive. One great thing about sex is that you can take on a whole host of temporary roles just to see what they feel like.

What if you are a self-described woman and your partner does want to explore this scenario, but you’re not sure you can be dominant? Though the sub/dom role-play can be a part of pegging (and may feel like a part of pegging) it does not have to be the central focus. Move at a pace that feels comfortable to the both of you and let yourselves explore the new positions you can find yourselves in. Seek that intimacy and closeness of trying something new and being tightly together. Once you’re in the position you may even find that dominance is something you’re interested in trying.

Making it through initial hesitations

Many men struggle with anal play if it is a new concept to them. They may have been told (much as women have) that anal play says something about them. Many men still equate anal play with homosexuality and fear that appreciating how it feels says something about their sexual orientation.

This is where priming comes into play. Priming has a lot to do with how the mind works and memories we have about certain things. For instance, if you took someone from a very small town who had only heard negative or stigmatized things about anal sex, they would like report back quickly with “no way” when asked if they would try anal sex. They might not even know what makes their revulsion so immediate.

A useful way of thinking about priming is to get someone in the prime to talk. Start small by expressing your interest in pegging, watching pegging videos together, or reading books about pegging. You could also branch off and read books about dom/sub play or anal sex in general. Bringing up pegging over time may provide a more positive outcome than trying to bring it up all at once. If you’re in it for the long haul, lay that foundation for a good experience.

Primping after you’ve primed, before you peg.

Anal sex requires a certain amount of finesse for some. The muscles in the anus need to relax to allow for penetration. If you’re unfamiliar with how this works, taking some time to get to know the area can be exceptionally useful. If you’re thinking of using a strap-on yourself, take time to practice using it before you go into penetration. Practice wearing it, strapping it on (or putting it in) and working the thrusting muscles that those born with penises have had more time to master. If you’re the one that is going to be penetrated, perhaps use some toys on yourself in your free time to get used to the sensations. Prostate toys, butt plugs, or anal beads all come in beginner varieties and can help get you started.

Lube is a necessity for anal play because there will be no natural lubrication like there tends to be in the vagina. Finding a nice thick lubricant will make relaxation and penetration a lot easier.

Some partners start off easy – they both have an interest in pegging and can move on directly from there. Other couples need to talk through and move more slowly through initial hesitations. Wherever you start with pegging, all couples end up at this similar location of education. Learning how to communicate, learning how to explore, and experimenting together for their mutual enjoyment.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. Want to explore anal toys or strap-ons? Hit the shebop icon on the sidebar and check out Portland’s most awesome female friendly adult store.

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The Question of Peg

How can I convince my husband to let me use a strap-on to peg him without freaking him out? I’ve never mentioned it to him before and I’m not sure how he will take it. I feel like we need to spice things up and I am turned onto the idea of pegging… At the least trying it. Any thoughts might help Thank you

I believe that it really helps to move the language from one of convincing to one of sharing. When we tackle new subjects in the bedroom it can be easy for them to seem intimidating. Especially if one partner is carrying out more of the work (planning, for instance) than the other. Doing it together makes the experience for both of you from the very start. It makes sure you enter on a level playing field.

Since I don’t know your husband, and because you’ve never mentioned it to him, I’m not sure where we’re starting. It could be that he is in to pegging and doesn’t know how to bring it up with you. Step one is really engaging in that conversation for the first time.

Tell him that you think pegging is really hot and that the idea of pegging him has been on your mind lately. Ask him if that’s something that he would ever consider trying out with you.

If he says yes… start looking into pegging together more actively. Visit an adult store together. Watch porn together. Use Tristan Taormino as a resource – she’s great. Be careful and consider safety. Use lots of lubrication, communicate clearly if something feels good or doesn’t, move slowly and purposefully from the start.

If he says no… ask him if he’d be interested in trying anal play in general. Together you could pick out a small plug, or a set of anal beads to use. These might be less intimidating for him and act as the first few steps towards pegging at a later date.

There are a lot of reasons a man might not be interested in anal play, period. A lot of them are unfortunately reinforced by male culture and sex-negative culture.

It’s gross, he’s not gay, he doesn’t like feeling submissive, it’s taboo, he’s never thought about it and is feeling defensive about being put on the spot, or perhaps he had a bad experience.

These issues all have their own unique solutions that, if you encounter them, might be worth another write in.

I’d recommend just getting the conversation out there and opening yourself up to him. From there you’ll be able to pick out pieces of what the struggles are going to be, if there are going to be any. It is true that some people just aren’t into it and that’s okay. It is better to ask to do the things you’re interested in and get turned down than to hold it in. It’s also possible he’ll be super interested in it. Which – that’s awesome. You advocated for yourself and your kinks and you get to do them!

If he seems iffy about it, don’t press too hard, but continue to explore the idea off and on. It could be that baby steps over time allow him to reconsider his interest in pegging. Many men don’t know that there are nerve endings in their ass that feel good when stimulated, and that prostate stimulation can lead to some super intense (and sometimes multi) orgasms. For some men, the idea of being submissive can also be super sexy once they get in position.

Best of luck, and be sure to report back if you have any more questions, either together or separately.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

 

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Question: Getting to Pegging?

My wife has recently let me have anal sex with her. Afterwards she said, “It would be cool if I could fuck you in the ass.” I said we could try it and she seemed excited at first. But once we got a strapon she is a little freaked out by the thought of doing that to me. I was actually excited about the thought of my wife pegging me. I am very open about trying new things in the bedroom as long as it is my wife and me. What can I do to get my wife to relax and want to peg me?

It would be helpful to know what about doing it freaked her out. Was it being on top – so to speak – that bugged her out? The mechanics of penetrating, and not knowing what to do? Once you know what it was that concerned her, you can work from there to find a comfortable zone.

It is super cool that you two talked about it and went out to get a strap on! That is further than many couples go when discussing anal play. The next steps (actually doing it, and learning how to do it) can be more difficult. I would highly recommend that you both read books about pegging and anal sex. Here are some books that I would recommend.

  1. ULTIMATE GUIDE TO PROSTATE PLEASURE: EXPLORATION FOR MEN & THEIR PARTNERS
  2. THE ADVENTUROUS COUPLE’S GUIDE TO STRAP-ON SEX
  3. TRISTAN TAORMINO’S EXPERT GUIDE TO PEGGING

These three are written by big names in the sex writing biz. Charlie Glickman, Violet Blue, and Tristan Taormino (who I have recommended plenty of times for general anal sex information.) Knowledge is power, and power is butt sex.

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Some people find anal play to be incredibly intimate, and pushing through to that level of comfort can provide a level of closeness that just having vaginal penetration wouldn’t bring about. In that spirit, some people find anal play to be a bit more gentle and slow.

Others find anal play to be taboo because of the nature of anal sex. This can give you a burst of arousal – but can also be kinda scary if you’re not used to doing things that you feel are taboo.

Others find that anal play fits in nicely with being submissive or dominant, and adding roleplaying to the anal play can help things move along.

Of course, some people try anal play (and/or pegging) and find it’s simply not for them, and that’s cool too.

My advice would be to talk to your wife, work from there depending on what her hesitations are, read some books about pegging, and then find the best way to get that first play going.

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Prostate Play & You: 101

For the last year the most searched for phrase and the most view post on my site has been about prostate play. This is only second to my posts about pegging (when a man is anally penetrated with a strap on by a female partner.) Here’s the news: men like being stimulated anally. Whether it’s the taboo nature of the act, the real physical pleasure of the nerve stimulation, some role-play kink, or just a sexual fantasy they have yet to live out, anal play is in.

How can we get past the -yuck- factor of anal play? Maybe more important, how can we get past the “This makes me gay!” factor? While most of the men who I interact with on a daily basis are comfortable enough to put something up their bum without questioning their sexual identity, most of the world still associates sexual orientation with sexual expression. That means if you put something in your butt, you’re probably sending off a big gay alarm somewhere in the basement of Heterosexual Monitoring.

Getting Past The Yuck

Try it yourself

Do you remember when you were a little kid and someone told you that adults put penises into vaginas and mushed them together and sometimes make babies? Seriously, gross. Vaginas are weird and smelly and moist and blood and babies and mucus come out of them. I’ll take a pass. If you’re hetero and went on to actually giving ye olde penis in vagina a shot, you probably realized it felt pretty good. It was easy to give it a shot because, well, everything around you and everything inside you is saying go have sex. 

The first step in getting past the yuck is actually having the experience for yourself and seeing if it’s actually gross or not. (And if it is, maybe you’ll enjoy it.) Trying it must involve information. Information means knowing what to expect and knowing how to prepare. The preparation for anal sex can help avoid a lot of the “mess” and make the experience more enjoyable.

You can also try anal play in private first. Trying something in private doesn’t mean you’re ashamed of doing it in front of someone else, or with someone else. Sex can and should be experienced solo, too! Touching yourself and just exploring the area and seeing how things feel can make a big difference on the experience you have with a partner. There are lots of mens toys out there for prostate play which can be super-stimulating to use once you get the hang of it.

Here are some prostate toys that I would recommend:

Naughty Boy – $78.00

Rude Boy – $80.00

Bob – $49.00

Getting past the “this makes me gay” factor

Education. Education. Education. It’s important to separate the following words in your vocabulary and learn the difference between the three.

Gender is something you identify as and express yourself as. Though typically male or female (the “gender binary”) you may express somewhere in-between or as neither. Your gender is usually assigned to you at birth based on your sex. Your sex is the biological part of you, your penis, your vagina. Sex can get complicated when we look at intersex people or people who are born with some parts of each sex. Sexuality or Sexual Orientation is how you identify. Some people are straight, some people are gay, some people are bi. There are all kinds of sexual orientations that people feel comfortable describing themselves as.  Your gender, sex, and sexual orientation can be any combination of things. Sexuality can also describe the things you enjoy doing in bed. Someone who identifies as homosexual might not enough practicing anal play in their sexuality. Someone who is heterosexual might only enjoy anal play. These things are all on a wibbly-wobbly spectrum. Because it’s so complicated and accepting the black/white “man – penis – heterosexual” image is just a hell of a lot easier, people have a difficult time understanding this. Take your time and read books about gender and sexuality and start to learn more about what it all means.

I’ll be writing more posts about prostate play and anal play for men in the future along with more posts about pegging. I like to focus my posts on what you’re interested in reading about. If you have any questions about this, submit to the top of the page by clicking ask advice. 

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The Guide to Pegging

I was going to call this “The Ultimate Guide to Getting Your Male Partner To Consider Anal Play” but it seemed like too long of a subject title. Instead I decided to go with the name popularized by Savage Love for a woman fucking her man in the ass.

I decided to write this because of the wide spread popularity of articles targeted at the male audience to get their female counterparts to participate in anal play. There seems to be a spotlight on this particular orientation of things, which falsely leads us to believe that women do not want to fuck their men in the ass.

From my perspective it’s simply because most people haven’t considered it. How many times in your life does someone ask you “Hey, have you ever wanted to have a penis to fuck your man with?” I mean, One- men are characteristically more hesitant to anal play (we’ll get to that later) and Two- Most who consider themselves women do not have penises and therefore do not consider themselves capable of penetrating their male partner. Unless you are particularly sexually imaginative you may not twist and turn these gender norms like others would.

I believe part of the popularity of pegging may have stemmed from the new openness surrounding anal sex as well as the boom in sex toys. I can’t say whether or not more couples are participating in anal sex and other forms of anal play, or if they are just more openly discussed. Regardless, it’s there, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable to readily admit that you like something up your ass. And not in the “foot up your-” kind of way. As for toys, there are more and more options like double penetration toys or strap-ons that (while perhaps marketed towards FF couples) shine a particular light on a woman with a vagina suddenly having a dick. I know I am not in the minority when I say I have often wondered what it would be like to have one, and even though I am not a lesbian I was quick to throw all sorts of strap-ons to my wishlist. A few weeks later it hit me, maybe I can use them.

Problems

One unfortunate point to get past (which some may find the most difficult, and … impenetrable) is the idea that enjoying anal sex or anal play of any sort makes you gay. I have some sympathy with this point. If you can believe that enjoying a particular sexual act makes you gay, you are so far withdrawn from the realities of sex and sexuality that you can hardly be blamed. I have to realize that I am in the minority as far as courses and education and studying goes on gender issues. There is still a huge population of people who don’t know the difference between gender, or sex, or sexuality, or orientation, or trans or bi or les or queer or… and while this can be aggravating for those who put so much soul into the equality of all sorts of people I have to accept that some people are going to look at anal sex and think “gay” because that’s how gay has been made public for so long. I look at it from this perspective: being gay is something that exists in your mind, it is an orientation. Not everyone who is gay likes or participates in anal sex. Liking anal sex/play means that you’ve had nerve endings stimulated and you then experience pleasure. This doesn’t mean that everyone will enjoy anal sex but I do think it means that we have the ability to, and that doesn’t make us gay. It makes us pretty lucky.

Attached to that, and somewhat of a biproduct of that, is the idea that you are less masculine if you are put into that position. That you are “less of a man” because you are playing a female-typed role. All I can say about that is… if you’re going to think like that, you’re missing out on a lot of things in life. Men and women’s roles are constantly weaving into one another. Men certainly never play stay at home dad, they never have jewelry, they’re never sensitive. That would be absurd!  Sarcasm intact, what we perceive as things “women do” and “men do” are all created by us and can be broken by us. It is only when we get into sex that these things become even more of an issue. A woman can certainly grab a dildo and fuck her boyfriend in the ass if she and he so please to do so.

It is true, though, that there may be a bit of submission involved. The same sort of submission a woman might feel when bent over and taken from behind. There is an air of it there, and with the newness and taboo-ness of taking a man from behind it might be even more submissive of a move to make. If your partner likes to be submissive it may be an easier subject to broach.

Introduction (and more problems)

You can’t expect to be laying in bed fooling around and then pull out a big dildo with a strap and ask your partner to bend over. That’s no way to begin any conversation. Conversation (pre-meditated) is the most important thing in bringing up new activities in the bedroom. And sometimes you must converse often, throughout different times of the day, week, month, year. Patience is your greatest ally. So is knowing when you need to stop conversing. And recognizing when ‘asking’ becomes pleading and nagging. Some people just aren’t interested, and if your partner is one of those, the rest of this post might not be for you. As much as I’d love to say “those fools, denying the greatest pleasure known to man” it’s impossible to say that everyone will appreciate (or even find pleasure in) anal sex.

The introduction into anal play may be easier if you and your partner already have a rapport in speaking about one another’s fantasies. Is it something you have mentioned before? Have you mentioned other things you’re interested in doing? Has he? Are you fairly sexually explorative? Speaking about fantasies often may allow more openness in your relationship as you two become more comfortable admitting things you may not have wanted to admit earlier on. I remember lying about some of the things that I was interested in trying in the past just because I didn’t particularly feel like being judged at that moment in time. It happens.

If your partner is hesitant to the idea, cover their problems with it first. If you’re lucky and pass straight past gender-typing and ‘the gay’ issue there are still a lot of other things men (and women) can be nervous about pertaining to anal sex or anal play.

It’s gross, dirty, taboo, “why would I?”, I hear it hurts, I’d rather not, I’d never thought about it and I don’t want to now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to try that yet/now, I tried it once and it did hurt so I’m not trying it again…

These are all subjects for another post, but in summary: yes it can be dirty, proper preparation can help keep things as clean as possible. Also- what part of sex is clean to begin with? Fewer people have problems with sucking dick, but in retrospect… Oh, and taboo. Right. This makes it twice as exciting, give in a little. Why would you? Why wouldn’t you? I hear it hurts too, so let’s try not to make it hurt. We’ll go slow, we’ll use lube, and we’ll make you feel good. If you hadn’t thought about it before, think about it now. And if it hurt once, it might not hurt the second time. What went wrong, if anything, that made it uncomfortable?

Anal Play

For beginning with anal play the rules are the same whether you’re male or female. Start slow, and work your way up. Fingering is the best way to start because you (the giver) have the ability to feel the muscles relax and tell you when/if to continue penetrating. It will also allow you (the receiver) to become accustomed to having something in your ass. Remember that anal play does not mean “only look at someones ass for an entire night” and this line of thinking may provide a boring and less-than-attractive experience. While anal play can feel good all on it’s own, it’s extremely helpful to double team it up with some other sort of stimulation. For men- start with the usual. A handjob, a blowjob, maybe even sex. Then slowly start to work your way downwards. As you start fingering the ass, don’t let up with stimulating the head/shaft/balls. If possible, go for a blowjob/handjob while you finger with the other hand. If you want to focus completely on him, let him masturbate while you finger. The added stimulation will assure that he’s still aroused, feeling good, and make it easier for him to relax his muscles while hopefully preventing tension. Oh, and please don’t forget lube. Lube, lube. LUBE.

A movie I highly recommend watching is “The Expert’s Guide To Anal Sex” by Tristan Taormino. This video goes more in depth on the anatomy of the anus and how the sphincter muscles work in unison. It will explain how to achieve pleasurable anal sex, or penetration at all. It will also talk about nerve endings and why anal sex feels good. For sake of length, I’ve decided not to go more in depth on anal sex in and of itself.

A note to men:

If you have ever considered having anal sex with a woman (or ever have had anal sex with a woman) I encourage you to take a moment and consider the idea for yourself. There is a reason there are now so many prostate stimulating toys out there for men. Stimulating the prostate can lead to similar feelings (and orgasms) as stimulating the g-spot in women. You can experience greater and longer orgasms, as well as greater sensations during sex. If that isn’t reason enough to give it a shot, I’m not sure what is. It is possible that you may have a bad experience, as many do, and it’s possible you may not. It’s also possible you may not be able or willing to have anal sex for a long period of time. Starting with any kind of anal play besides anal sex may be just as rewarding and fulfilling for you and your partner. Regardless of whether or not you are interested, please listen to your partners fantasies with an open mind, as you would hope they’d do for you.

If there is anything more you want to know submit at the top!

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