Squirting: How Safe Are Our Fluids?

So I have a question about squirting. I recently started hooking up with a couple I met on Fetlife.  The woman and I are both subs and both bi, and he’s a dom, so it works well.   She orgasms so easily and so many times, sometimes just from the spanking and other foreplay activites, and often squirts.   After the first time we had sex she texted me the next day and asked if I had orgasmed at all the night before, which of course if you have to ask the answer is no.   I explained that I am one of those women who really struggles to orgasm.  Penetration never gets me off even though it feels great.   Oral can get me off but it takes a very long time if it works at all.  No amount of direction-giving makes a major difference, because most things my partners try feel amazing but just never tip over that edge.   Even alone I usually need porn or a vibrator to orgasm, often both.

She replied that she used to be the same way until her current partner came along, which I had a hard time believing and started to assume either that wasn’t true about before or that she’s faking now, but whatever not my business. She said next time we would try to see if I could squirt too and they would coach my through it.   I assumed that would never work but figured I’d humor them. So the next time we’re together after a bit of foreplay he started fingering me and pushing really hard in that “come hither” motion everyone talks about.  It felt good but would have felt better without that pressure level.   She told me to relax my muscles, which is tough because I often contract my kegels to help me orgasm.  Relaxing them changed the sensation, not better or worse.  She then said when it starts to feel really good to push.  When I started to feel extra pressure making me moan louder she told me to start pushing and totally squirted.  Like a lot.  The whole thing took about 1 minute. But the weird thing is I 100% did not have an orgasm.  

As soon as the squirting started it stopped feeling good.   It didn’t feel bad or anything, but the good sensations went away too, and before it started I didn’t feel that build up to an orgasm or like it felt anywhere near good enough that an orgasm was close. The sensation was not the same as peeing, and I know we often have to combat the idea that squirting is “just peeing,” but I’m wondering if that is what was happening in this particular case, seeing as I did not orgasm and it happened so fast. So, did I actually squirt or was that just pee?   Is it possible for a woman to squirt without having an orgasm or not even feeling particularly aroused or good at all for that matter?   Can that fluid really build up in under a minute?

Semi-related question: how worried do I have to be about coming into contact with her squirted fluid in terms of STDs?   They don’t exactly cover that in sex ed =p

These are great questions, but they’re also really tricky to answer. There haven’t been very many revealing studies done about female ejaculation. As far as I’m aware, there have been no studies that look specifically at sexually transmitted infections through female ejaculate. One reason for this is that studies often align with culture. There are a lot of studies that look at heterosexual couples and how things can be spread through vaginal penetrative intercourse, for instance, because for a long time thats what people thought of when they thought of sex. Now we’re speaking out about all these different ways in which people have sex with one another, so there is a need for studies that look into how risky those behaviors are or aren’t. There’s also a need for more same-sex sexual education in early education, but thats a different post.

I would follow these general rules:

  • know when your partners have been tested
  • get tested regularly yourself
  • use barrier methods like condoms and dental dams
  • remember that there is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex.

Your first question is difficult to answer for the same reason. People are all over the place about female ejaculate, g-spot stimulation, and squirting. One day you’ll read an article detailing the many ways in which you’ve urinated on your partner, the next day you’ll read all about pre-orgasmic fluids. Some assert that squirting is tied completely to the g-spot. Others share lengthy stories about clitoral squirting. Even the wikipedia articles seem to send subtle shrugs.

I think it’s best to go off of your own experiences and your own truths. You were doing something that felt really good and some fluid came out. In that moment you know essentially as much as some top researchers know. That puts you (and the rest of us) in kind of a fun position. You can continuously explore new ways of doing things. New input, new output. The one thing about exploration is that you might not get the same experience the next time, even if you did do exactly the same thing.

As far as fluid building up, squirting without orgasming, and the strange-not-quite-expected sensations, these don’t seem unusual from what I’ve read and heard from other women. Again, you may go back and experience something completely different if you decide you want to try it again tomorrow. It all depends on how exciting, fun, interesting, or worthwhile you find that experience. Do you want to try it again? Does the uniqueness of the situation compel you in some way? Or did you leave finding a sense of… ambivalence?

What about you? What have your experience with squirting been like? Do you find it to be an important part of your self-love, interactions with your partner? Is it something that actively feels good, or is it more centralized around a release? Share your stories in the comments.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

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Q: I don’t orgasm during sex – so what?

Hi! Love your blog! I’m a 20’s straight(ish) female struggling with reaching orgasm during sex, or rather my partners’ reactions to my inability to orgasm. I am able to orgasm while masturbating, but that is a pretty long and arduous process and almost always requires the addition of a toy or porn. With a partner I am almost completely unable to have an orgasm. With a vibrator I can orgasm with my partner, but I’m not a fan of incorporating a vibrator, as the loud buzz and the general addition of a toy are mood killers for me. I’d rather just enjoy my partner. Rubbing my clit myself during sex, or having him rub it, has never worked. Only three times has oral ever worked on me. That being said I absolutely enjoy sex without having an orgasm, and am working really hard at becoming okay with the fact that orgasms are not really a part of my sex life and that that doesn’t mean I’m broken or need to be fixed. I feel like I’ve tried everything, and accepting that this isn’t actually a problem is the only solution. My partners on the other hand have seemed to struggle with this even more than me. I am always careful to express that it is not their fault, that they did a great job, that I enjoyed it, etc. but they have a really hard time accepting that. I can’t recall a single partner who’s reaction was to just accept that I know my body. Most of my partners start by wanting to try a million ways to get me off, and insist that they’ll figure it out like I’m a rubix cube they’re trying to solve, and many then go on to get sort of mad about it when none of their techniques and persistence works, and then blame it on me, claiming that it’s because I’ve been using a vibrator or because I’m not telling them what I like (I do communicate what I like frequently and openly, but those things don’t get me off) or that I need to stop spectatoring (they’ll find some sex advice about this on reddit because apparently I’m a googleable problem who never had the sense to google this shit for myself? Not sure where they get the idea that I’m not aware of these concepts). It can be really hard for me to accept this about myself when my partners are so busy trying to fill me with hope that they’re special and will fix me. And I want them to feel happy and sexy and talented and such, and I understand why me never having an orgasm can interfere with that, but it just seems that short of me communicating my enjoyment verbally and with body language as I already do there’s nothing I can do to calm them. So I’m wondering if you have any advice for how to get my male partners truly content with not giving me an orgasm and still maintain their pride. How can I make them understand that I’m happy and they are good lovers despite what they see as evidence to the contrary?

Men and women are told a lot of stories about sexuality. One of those stories is that sex is about the orgasm. There is a very clear narrative of what sex is and how it works, even if that is nothing like the actual reality of sex.

This sex happens when a heterosexual cis-gender couple come together for PIV (penis in vagina) sex. After some PIV sex, the female orgasms, and the male ejaculates. Either the female first, shortly followed by the male, or both at the same time, in perfect harmony. This story is reinforced over and over again in many different ways – through film, television, romance novels, even taking an influence on what is taught in sexual health courses. (How many of you were taught how to safely protect yourself if you weren’t having heterosexual PIV sex? Were you even taught that anything else was sex?)

PIV orgasms are one tiny little sliver of sex pie that don’t happen for everyone – even couples who are heterosexual. Yet still, many of us try to closely align with this story, because we have some very sturdy beliefs about sex that are difficult to change.

These beliefs can become even more difficult to stray from depending on what specific messages you’ve been told growing up. For instance, men may be raised to be fixers. They may associate their skill in the bedroom to how quickly and how successfully they are able to get their female partner off. If you say “I cannot orgasm” that may be seen as a challenge. It might be seen as a challenge because they cannot see sexuality through a different lens than the one they’ve been looking through their whole life. To them, it’s not just that you want to enjoy a different kind of sex. It is as though you’re giving up on sex entirely.

Of course, anyone can be a fixer. (Hello!) And it’s hard to look at a situation like this and not offer up advice. There are a lot of things you can do to improve your chances of an orgasm. There are a lot of things that can stand in the way of making the orgasm easier to obtain. And having an orgasm can really be worth the extra work we put into the bedroom. But not if it’s distracting from how much fun you have. Not if you just want to kick back and have a good time. Not if the orgasm becomes the pinnacle of your sexual experience.

If you can’t just enjoy each other, if its genuinely become a race to the imaginary finish line, whats the point? We think about orgasms as things that are “given” to other people but thats not right. We don’t give orgasms. We discover them together.

I don’t have an easy solution. How you have this conversation might vary depending on who you’re with, and what your sexual relationship is like. I have heard of some women who are in casual relationships faking orgasms because they don’t want to bother to take the time to explain to their partner what makes them feel good. To me, this is absurd. Isn’t the point of casual sex that you’re going into it to have fun? However, I can see how some aspects of this that make sense. Sometimes it’s just easier to leave the bits and pieces out that you already know are going to hold your partner up. If it’s going to take 3 hours to try and convince someone you don’t need them to freak out about their sexual ego, thats three hours you could have had sex, said goodbye, and gone out for pizza.

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In an ongoing relationship I would say that you sit down with your partner immediately and express basically what you expressed to me.

Look, this is what I want. I want to feel good. I want to feel good with you. And you make me feel good. That’s going to have to be enough. I can’t enjoy myself when you feel pressure to get me off. That’s my holdup. That’s where my struggle is. Maybe some day I’ll have an orgasm with you, maybe some day I’ll have a really good one with you, but I don’t judge my sex life on this criteria like other people do.

I can’t say for certain he will believe it. He might even still, on his own, try his damnedest. At the end of the day, that pressure is going to be on him.

Here’s one last thing, and if you don’t want that unsolicited advice, maybe just skip it. You don’t have to just become OK with not being able to orgasm during sex. You’re not broken, you don’t need to be fixed, but this isn’t necessarily how its always going to be either. Look at it like a long game. This is just one level. Maybe the next level will prevent new excitements and challenges. Roll with the punches. Keep exploring. Communicate openly. And see where it takes you. Whether thats to partner-shared orgasms or just way better more satisfying sex, either way, you win.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

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Can’t Orgasm Without Clitoral Stimulation?

i think i may have messed myself up for life. i started masturbating as a teenager and now i cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation (for a long time too) i love my husband but vaginal sex is just not as pleasurable as clitoral sex. is there anything i can do to remedy the situation. and yes, there are times that i will provide the clit stim during penetration. but i was hoping that i could learn a way to have an orgasm through vaginal stim. is this possible?

You absolutely did not mess yourself up. Everything you said sounds precisely run of the mill, i.e. you are perfectly normal 🙂

Women often masturbate by stimulating their clit because it is packed with the highest number of nerve endings. It’s pretty common for women to masturbate primarily by stimulating their clit because it just happens to feel the best. Though it is possible to have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation (through things like anal play, or nipple play) I reckon that most female bodied orgasms are a result of clitoral stimulation. In fact, even when your partner is penetrating you, he’s likely rubbing up against the body of your clit in some way that adds to your overall arousal.

So even though its a “vaginal orgasm” (an orgasm led on through stimulation of the vagina) its somewhat misleading to say your vagina was stimulated to make you orgasm. It’s probably a whole number of things. Your vagina being stimulated, your clit being stimulated, your g-spot being stimulated, the weight of his body on top of you and the arousal you get from that, any kissing or touching of your whole body, any potential dirty talk you might exchange, and so forth.

There is rarely just one thing that contributes to an orgasm. A whole bunch of different factors coalesce and bam, fireworks.

It is also not unusual for the female orgasm to take significantly longer than the male orgasm. I’m not sure what “a long time” means, but depending on other variables, you could be stimulating your clitoris for a solid hour before you orgasm.

A couple things that can vary the amount of time you’re having sex:

1. Mental arousal: If you are very mentally aroused, you are more likely to respond to the physical, if you’re less mentally aroused, you’re less likely to respond to the physical. That means if you really get in the right headspace before sex you may find that it’s easier to orgasm. If your head is all over the place and you’re not in the moment, it’s going to take longer to orgasm.

2. Having the right environment: For some people, environment makes a huge difference in how they feel during sex. That could mean where they’re having sex, the lighting, the temperature, the music, any other visuals or smells. Things that influence your senses will influence the kind of sex you’re having. Things that arouse you will help bring you into the right state of mind quicker.

There are also positions you can share with your partner that stimulate the clit more directly. In missionary or cowgirl, explore various angles so that his body presses or rubs against your clit with each thrust. You may or may not want to add lubrication to help it feel more slick. Once you find that position, grinding together can give you a more intense version of what it feels like when you’re touching your clit yourself.

Yes, and continue playing with yourself. I’m not sure why we’ve attached some shame to that, but sex is about feeling good, and if you want to reach around and play with your clit I think you should do it. You could also tell him to do it for you, or grab a small vibrator. Other toys like vibrating cock rings can also provide added clitoral stimulation during sex that may or may not help you reach an orgasm.

Bottom line: have your sigh of relief. It is possible to have enjoyable penetrative sex, but you have to be willing to explore that it might not look like what you thought it looked like. Be open to finding new ways to include clitoral stimulation in your penetrative sex by communicating with your partner what positions feel best. Remember that mental arousal and different types of stimulation before penetrative sex can help everything feel more sensitive. And remember that figuring out what feels best is half the fun of having sex, so enjoy it along the way.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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For The Woman Who Can’t Orgasm

The other day my friend messaged me with a story. A married friend of hers had recently confessed that she had never had an orgasm. With her husband, or by herself. It was a story I had heard before over, and over, and over again. There is an epidemic of women in this country who can’t have orgasms.

There are so many correlating factors to these stories. Certain things that these women might share. They didn’t grow up with a super open dialogue around sexuality. They may not have explored their bodies or masturbation at the same time their peers were. They waited until marriage to have sex. Some of them may have been assaulted at some point and are having difficulties feeling comfortable exploring again in a comfortable and consensual way.

While these stories all seem so similar to me, they have so many unique twists of their own.

What draws me to them are the cyclical way these women get stuck in the inability to orgasm. And, in turn, how their partners struggle and get stuck in there with them.

It’s something that I’ve experienced myself in much smaller and temporary ways. You are frustrated because you cannot orgasm. Maybe you are not physically aroused or maybe you are not mentally aroused. Life happens. You get distracted with stress, work, family, school. Medications throw off your natural balance. You are perhaps impaired in certain ways that make physical intimacy difficult. Then when that frustration peaks you fall face first into the bedroom and with great irritation realize that your frustration has become a blocking point of its own.

So you try to have sex but then you don’t orgasm and the not orgasming becomes further pressure to orgasm, and on it goes.

Sex Positivity

Let’s rewind a little bit and start at the beginning. Let’s explore your relationship with sexuality. Do you think that having sex with your partner influences your moral character? Do you believe that this kind of intimacy makes you a bad girl? Conservative values tell women that your moral worth can be found somewhere between your legs, and certain religious views reinforce this. Step one is always sex positivity. Find sex positivity. Whatever sex positivity means to you. It could be waiting until marriage. It could be monogamous vaginal penetration with your heterosexual life-mate. It could be ethical non-monogamy with a partner or two. It could be your live in partner. It could be your same-sex partner. It could be not having sex at all, by choice. Empower yourself and your choices. Find happiness in sexuality. Find a place where you can talk about your sexuality with your partner that doesn’t make you squirm. Find that openness and acceptance for yourself.

This process could take a long time depending on your current relationship with sexuality. It can and should continue throughout your life. It can and should evolve with you.

Masturbation

Now let’s talk masturbation. Because masturbation is a big part of self-love and masturbation is a big part of finding enjoyment in the bedroom. Masturbation does a few things.

1. It helps you understand your anatomy. Do you know where your most sensitive spots are? Could you point out your clitoris and tell me how far it goes back? Do you know what the g-spot is? What about the perineum? Find your spots. Know where they are. What they do. What they’re called. A great book to help you on your way is She Comes First.

2. Masturbation helps you understand what feels good. Once you know where things are, you can begin to explore them. Does your clit like being stimulated roughly or softly? In circles or up and down? Do you stimulate the hood or the clit? How puffy does it get when you’re aroused? Do your lips get significantly larger? Do you get wet?

Pause: I believe that it’s entirely possible that your partner will never be able to touch you as well as you touch yourself. Why? Because you know those spots intimately, sure, but also because your hand is attached to your mind. You know when your body wants you to press harder. You know when your body wants you to quicken the pace. You know how to grind your hips just right. Your partner is not attached to you, they are operating outside of you. A partner may not be able to do that exact thing you do, but they may be able to do certain things better than you do them to yourself. Some partners, with the proper guidance of your favorite spots, can stimulate them in new and exciting ways. They can reach deeper inside of you if you enjoy internal stimulation.

One goal of sex may be to find a deep enough connection with your partner than you begin to operate as closely to one as you can.

3. Masturbation can teach you about the stages of arousal.

  • excitement
  • plateau
  • orgasm
  • resolution

The stages of arousal may need to be felt several times to understand.

For instance, it can be difficult to recognize excitement if you have a busy mind. It can be difficult to recognize excitement if you aren’t sure what things excite you. The plateau is where many women stop if they aren’t reaching orgasms. The plateau may feel pretty good but you aren’t pressing yourself to the point of having an orgasm.

Each orgasm may feel significantly different depending on a variety of factors too. How aroused you were when you came, what you were thinking about when you came, the last time you came, how you were stimulating yourself, and a variety of other things – like if you’re alone or with a partner, or if you’ve had any marijuana or alcohol.

The stages of arousal are important to know because they can help you gauge where you’re at. They can tell you how close to an orgasm you are. Knowing how close to an orgasm you are can help you pick up the pace of your stimulation (leading to an orgasm) or slow down your pace (preventing an orgasm.) With great practice it is possible to strengthen your orgasms or orgasm simultaneously with your partner.

Note to partners of orgasm-struggling-women: If something is working for your partner, remember precisely what you are doing, and how you’re doing it. If your stimulation is working and she appears to be close to an orgasm, keep doing it! 

If you have never had an orgasm before and struggle having an orgasm with your own hand, seek outside sources. Sex toys are great at lending a hand to an easier orgasm. For women looking to experience an orgasm, I would highly recommend a clitoral toy. I will reference this again with suggestions at the end. Another option for clitoral stimulation is running a bath and, once in the bath, resting your clit under the stream of the water. (A warm but not-too-hot temperature is best.) The stimulation from the water can also lead to a quick orgasm in many women.

 Communication

Okay, so you are aware of your body and you’ve masturbated and your partner has a good idea of what is going on. Now people are telling you that if you want to put this all to good use, you need to communicate. This is absurd advice all on its own, because communicate leaves a lot to the imagination. Communication does not mean talking. Talking without guidance can lead to further confusion.

I think the best kind of communication happens in small chunks. That means that when you are playing with your partner you should be clear on telling them what works and doesn’t work. All the time. If something hasn’t been working for you and you tell them casually one day months afterwards, that information is going to be less useful to them. Guide from the beginning and grow together.

If your partner tells you they don’t like something it is your job not to take this personally. This can be a difficult thing to do. Often times the immediate reaction is “I’ve done something you don’t like – I am a failure – I am disappointed in myself – I am embarrassed.” Get that out of the way real quick and then reflect on what your partner has told you. They’ve given you a valuable piece of information about their bodies. Put that in your mental list of things my partner doesn’t like and file it away.

Sometimes these things can be reached for at a later date to be tried again with your partners mutual interest.

Ex: Your partner doesn’t like having their clitoris sucked on because it feels funny. They tell you that it feels uncomfortable and you stop doing it. Then one day they are really aroused and their clitoris looks quite swollen and you want to try sucking on it again, lightly, because you think that it may have a different result. Exploration is healthy and retrying old tricks might come back as winners. While you’re getting the basics out of the way, try to stick with things your partner knows they like.

2. Don’t try to communicate all at once

You can’t have every conversation all at once, all the time. Take it piece by piece. If there is one fantasy you have that you’d like to try, mention it. If you have one experience that you’re looking to explore, try a small part of it to start. If you are feeling overloaded and frustrated that nothing is working right, find one thing that you can work on, and focus on making that one small experience satisfying.

3. Break down your ideal sexual scenario 

In relation to number two, immediately forget everything you know about what sex is supposed to be like. If you’re sitting with your partner and you’re describing your ideal sexual scenario and it sounds like something out of a pornographic film, take a step back. Let’s say your sexual fantasy is that you’re in a dark candle lit room and you and your partner are covered in sweat and you’re making each other orgasm intensely while confessing how much you love one another. How can you take a few elements of that scenario and pull them in to your play? Perhaps you could start by dimming the lights and focusing on extending your play for longer than you normally do. This give you an opportunity to get more built up, more aroused, more sweaty.

Remember that things can’t happen all at once.

4. Remember phrasing

Never attack your partner about sex. Never blame them for not making you orgasm. Sex is a team sport and each player is involved in both the pleasure of their partner and their own pleasure. Have you told them what makes you feel good? Have you reached down there to help stimulate yourself? Have you been telling your partner what doesn’t work?

Use I-Statements and when possible stick to the positives.

Example:

During sex: I love it when you play with my clit that way.

After sex: You did this thing with my clit that I hated, it kinda hurt actually, I don’t know how to describe it but please never do that to me again.

If you talk to your partner during sex and reinforce what they are doing correctly you’re pointing them down the right path and showing appreciation for what they’re doing. If you point out something they did wrong after sex they’re going to feel frustrated that they did something wrong and may be inclined to do it again because they might not remember what they were doing.

How would you tell someone you didn’t like something they were doing during sex?

A good way to do this is by telling them what you want to make it better. If they are being too rough, ask them to go softly. If they are being too soft, ask them to go more roughly. Sometimes these guidelines are temporary – simply what the partner wants in that moment. Sometimes they are more permanent – your partner might never want you to press that hard, or that soft.

If there are guidelines that seem permanent, discuss those after sex. “Remember when I told you to do slow down? You should be that slow all the time. I love that pace, it feels really good.”

The Goal is Pleasure

I mentioned at the start that a woman having troubles with orgasms might get into the mental space that the orgasm must be had. I’m of the firm belief that orgasms are not the primary goal of good sex. The primary goal of good sex is feeling good. The pressure to feel good can make it very difficult to actually enjoy oneself. The pressure to feel good can make you lose sight of the entire experience.

The first couples challenge I give is to see how long you and your partner can go without having an orgasm. This is something I do just for fun and is called edging. While it can be a more advanced practice, it’s actually a wonderful way for women to explore their sexuality without the pressure of orgasm.

Lay in bed with your partner and get as mentally aroused as you can. Talk dirty to one another, describe a sexual experience you really liked, go through a fantasy, touch each other very slowly, watch some porn together, whatever it takes. Then start touching each other more, and more, and more. Draw out the physical affection. Build up on it. Use that communication. Tell your partner what you want. And, as the other partner, don’t always be so quick to give them what they want. Tease it out of them. Move up slowly.

When the goal is not an orgasm, but to simply feel good, you are more likely to relax and sink into the moment. It’s at that point where you are more likely to hit the right levels of arousal and reach your orgasm.

If you want to get crazy with this idea, build the excitement throughout the day. Send texts to one another while at work or class about how excited you are to [blank] with them later that night. Send a teasing photo or a voice message. Write an email describing what you’re wearing or what you want to do to them later. These things, when done from time to time, can pack a powerful punch in getting the mood going.

Other Intimacies

As mentioned earlier in the post, a lot of things can influence your orgasm. One that is in great swaying motion is that of stress. If you find you are actively stressed out, find ways to minimize that stress. Self love is about more than just masturbation – it’s about tending to your needs, your mental health, your physical health. If you have children, take nights for yourself. Take date nights. Once they’re in bed, make sure to have time to decompress. Start the morning off right with a routine that allows you to have a good footing for the day.

Focusing on fulfilling other intimacies in your life can bring you closer to your partner and make sexual intimacy more powerful. That means: like your partner. Don’t just love them. I believe that we care most for those that we care about actively. The more we show someone we care for them the more we actually feel that caring feeling. Kiss your partner. Rub their muscles. Make them meals. Do something to make their life easier. Show them affection and support. Sit with them and tell them a story. Find other ways to connect.

Acknowledge that there are lots of intimacies but sexual intimacy is very particular. It can be difficult to merge your sexuality with your partners sexuality if they are currently (or all the time) different. Perhaps your partner is always aroused when you’re not aroused and vice versa. Perhaps you’re always stressed out and your partner is never stressed out. Maybe you work day shifts and they work night shifts and so you’re just simply not on the same schedule. Sexual intimacy can take work for some couples when life shows up hard.

Other types of intimacy can be placed anywhere throughout the day as signs of “I’m still here. I’m always here. And when the time is right I’m going to bang you so good.”

Toys to Share

There is absolutely nothing wrong with including toys in the bedroom. Toys are just accessories – things that can improve upon what the bodies naturally do themselves. A vibrator can provide faster and more direct stimulation. A cock ring can hold the blood making a more erect penis and a longer-lasting session. A butt plug can create intense stimulation while the vagina is being stimulated in other ways. Cuffs or a blindfold can add an air of arousal by creating the image of dominance and submission. Whips or warm wax can create small blasts of pain which translates into quick bursts of pleasure.

Toys can be anything from an aid to help one orgasm to a tool that helps one just feel better.

To the woman who just wants to orgasm, a clitoral toy is a great way to go. A clitoral toy is not meant to go inside of you – its meant to be pressed on the outside against the clit – where most the nerve endings are.

A small toy like this can also be used during sex. In opposite sex relationships (as this post is mostly but not entirely targeted towards) while your partner is inside you, you can hold the toy against yourself. This provides clitoral stimulation while they are providing vaginal stimulation.

Clitoral Vibes: Siri – $99 Ako – $39

There are also a ton of couples specific toys that are designed to be used together. Couples toys are fun to explore when you have the time and money.

A standby favorite couples toy is the We Vibe 4 – $160. Any toy can be a “couples toy” if you use it together.

Fin.

There are a lot of reasons why a woman might find herself unable to orgasm. It would be impossible to highlight each and every reason as it deserves in a post like this. Some women struggle to the point where sexual therapy is required. Some women struggle because of real medical issues.

Before anyone gets to this point, I suggest taking a big deal breath. Start at the basics. Self love. Sex positivity. Masturbation. Connection. Communication. Growth. Exploration. Zoom out and see this in the big picture. Focus on pleasure separate from orgasm. Seek those feelings with yourself and with your partner. Change how you think about sex as a whole and see if that influences the actual physical feelings that you have when you’re playing. Stay within your comfort zone. Find ways to find pleasure in that zone of comfort. Don’t try to go it alone – make sure you and your partner are on the same page – and stay that way.

Sex is a team sport and the game isn’t over if no one orgasms.

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Female Circumcision with Respect to Pleasure

I recently received a question about female circumcision and orgasm, so I wanted to take the opportunity to write a little about female circumcision and the body as a system of pleasure.

Female circumcision often revolves around the restriction of sexual pleasure of the woman, typically seen in Africa and the Middle East. There is also the issue in America of genital cutting for intersex children. When a child is seen as having an ambiguous sex, the doctors may alter the genitals in respect to which gender they say they child is. [This highlights issues of gender and sexuality that are too great to expand on in this post.] There are a variety of ways in which a women might be circumcised.

WHO details these four basic types of female circumcision:

I. Clitoridectomy: In a clitoridectomy the clitoris is partially or totally removed. In some cases, only the skin that surrounds the clitoris (clitoral hood) is removed.

II. Excision: This involves the partial or total removal of the labia minor, and potentially influencing the labia majora as well. The clitoridectomy would likely be included here as well.

III. Infibulation: The vaginal opening is narrowed with a seal, leaving a small opening. The seal would be formed with skin from the woman’s labia. Clitoridectomy may or may not be included.

IV. Other: Any other procedure that harms the female genitalia for non-medical purposes.

If the question is “How can I make my wife have an orgasm if she is circumcised?” the answer may depend on how the woman has been circumcised. For many women, the clitoris is the central point of their pleasure, the highest source of nerve endings that respond to physical stimulation. However it is important to remember that the entire body can be considered a sexual organ. The brain itself is the largest sex organ. Without clitoral stimulation, even without a clit, it is entirely possible for a woman to experience sexual pleasure.

I would recommend being with your partner and experiencing intimacy in whatever way, and in whatever pace, feels natural and good to you both. Kiss and touch one another, talk sweetly and affectionally to one another, talk dirty to one another. First awake your minds to the idea of sex. Find this space with one another and see how you can rest within it. Then, explore all the different parts of the body. From the tip of the forehead all the way down to the toes. From these two places and everywhere in-between are nerve endings that are capable of stimulation. Some women can orgasm by having their nipples stimulated. Some women can orgasm just by being touched slowly, all over, intimately and sensually. You can incorporate anal play, if that is something you and your partner are comfortable exploring together. You can have oral sex, licking and kissing each other. And, certainly, you can still have penetrative sex. Even if the clitoris is removed, there are still many sensitive spots within the vaginal canal that can be stimulated. The walls of the vagina itself (particularly the first few inches) and the g-spot can be stimulated to produce orgasms all of their own.

There are other holdups, of course. Pain can be an issue. If there is infibulation or other barriers to the vagina, penetration may be an issue. If she has emotional or psychological troubles in respect to the circumcision or her sexuality in general, this can be a barrier as well. As you move forward together you should confront each issue with patience and respect as it comes to you, and work together as any couple would, towards finding a place where you can both feel satisfied.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. All questions asked respectfully are answered in the same way. Submissions are open 24/7 and typically answered within a week unless you note urgency in your question. There is no such thing as a ‘stupid question’ and I am happy to offer advice or find resources for you. 

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the not-quite-orgasm-orgasm?

Imagine that your partner is less sexually experienced than you, and they are having difficulty orgasming. In this particular example, a man and a woman are having sex together, her vagina is being stimulated, and she starts to feel as though she’s having an orgasm. That usual build up, the sensitivity, the increased heart rate. Things feel really good and then at the height of that sensitivity things start to hurt and she realizes she would like to stop.

The other day I had someone describe it to me as this: I am orgasming, I think, but then I become too sensitive to continue and it is physically painful.

I wanted to talk a little bit about that because I feel like this strange scenario could have two potential catalysts and each mean something different.

You think  you’re orgasming but you’re not really

I’ve always been of the mind that an orgasm is not something you can mistake for something else. Given what happens to the mind and body when you orgasm, even the shortest or least-powerful or my own orgasms (as the only thing I feel comfortable judging this on) are still very clearly defined as orgasms. There is the peak, certainly, but there is also the release. And the release is not necessarily a feeling that you have throughout the session. (Unless you have experience with multiples, or edging.)

So lets take a girl who thinks she is orgasming and then becomes too sensitive to touch. I would question first, whether or not she is orgasming at all. If the release is not there or if she believes she may not be orgasming, it may be that she is getting very close to an orgasm, and then stopping. Without knowledge of how the various stages of sexual arousal feel, it can be difficult to judge which is which. Masturbation and self-exploration can help with this. The sensitivity could be caused by how aroused the body is, the pain could be a result of not orgasming (vasocongestion) or being stimulated too roughly or in areas that are too sensitive to be touched directly.

If that was a mouthful, here it is more simply: before you’re about to orgasm you feel really good, but orgasms are distinct, and have a release to them. If you’re questioning whether or not you have had an orgasm it is more likely than not that you haven’t had one. Pain and sensitivity during sex if you haven’t orgasmed can be a result of lots of other things unrelated to the sensitivity of actually orgasming.

On the other hand, women do have refractory periods kind of like men. While some women can continue going over and over again, others require some chill down time before continuing. If your partner is orgasming and then you are continuing to have sex with her, its likely that this experience could be painful or overstimulating.

If your female partner orgasms and you haven’t, give it a rest for a few minutes to let her body sort of go through the process of relaxing and restoring its balance. Again, this process takes different amounts of time for different women. Even if the body is ready, the mind might not be, and if you are not mentally aroused this can make it much more difficult to be physically aroused.

Without physical arousal you may find sex to be more straining and less enjoyable. In women, this is most obviously noted in how the vagina expands and lubricates prior to penetration.

If you’re looking to have longer sessions or more sessions in a row, you’re not going to want to experience pain, or sensitivity that you find uncomfortable. Figuring out if you’re actually orgasming (first and foremost) is going to help you figure out if your sensitivity is related to the body needing a cool down or you and your partner needing to switch up your stimulation technique.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit to the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

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When We Talk About the Female Orgasm

The way we spend our days is the way we spend our lives. Similarly, the way we discuss something is often the way we come to see it as a whole. I was curious how some of the books on my shelves referenced the female orgasm. In particular, why is it that when I think of the female orgasm, certain things seem to come to mind? I’ve always felt as though there was a certain air of difficulty to the female orgasm. To that, I feel that much of the conversation around the orgasm is surrounded in some sort of mystery. What is it? How does it work? How does one obtain an orgasm?

I started by pulling out a stack of books from my shelf that referenced orgasms.

This is how female orgasms were listed in the indexes of the books shown.

Some of these books were required for courses, some were borrowed from friends (hello, I have your books!) and some were found on the street. Fucking Portland.

In order of how frequently they were mentioned in book indexes, these six topped the charts:

  1. Faking Orgasms
  2. G-Spot Orgasms
  3. Clitoral Vs. Vaginal Orgasms
  4. Physiological Mechanisms
  5. Sexual Fantasies
  6. Multiple Orgasms

This didn’t surprise me. A lot of functional knowledge and a lot of social interest.

The other subjects discussed were:

  • orgasms in animals
  • continual orgasms
  • fickleness of orgasms
  • prostitution and orgasms
  • health and orgasms
  • oxytocin and orgasms
  • simultaneous orgasms
  • hooking up and orgasms
  • sexual dysfunction and orgasms
  • difficulty achieving orgasms
  • function of orgasms
  • testosterone therapy and and orgasms
  • orgasms in adult/child sex
  • dildos and orgasms
  • hormones and orgasms
  • kinsey and orgasms
  • orgasms during labor or childbirth
  • pornography and orgasms
  • infants and children and orgasms
  • orgasms in lesbians
  • orgasms in marital sex
  • orgasms after menopause
  • mutual orgasms
  • phantom orgasms
  • rapid orgasms
  • sexual satisfaction and orgasms
  • orgasms during sleep
  • orgasms with vibrator
  • alcohol and orgasms
  • anorgasmia
  • aging and orgasms
  • ejaculation and orgasms
  • inexperience with orgasms
  • multiple orgasms
  • oxytocin levels
  • sexual response cycle

Obviously certain books focused on certain subjects. There wasn’t extensive information about hormones in all of the books, but there was in sexual pharmacology. Books like She Comes First focus more on what actually happens regarding pleasure during an orgasm whereas books like Sex at Dawn might talk about the purpose of an orgasm.

A lot of the information was condensed to make it easier to understand. There seems to be a lot of assumption that the female orgasm is:

1-  Something that ends sexual intercourse

2 – The general purpose of sexual intercourse

3 – A failure of the body or a failure of pleasure (in not achieving)

I also found it interesting that there was a lot of focus given on the different types or orgasms women might have. G-spot, vaginal, clitoral, orgasms while we’re asleep, orgasms when we’re married, orgasms when we’re old. We want to know more more more about what exactly the orgasm is and how we can have it. No big surprise.

I think a lot of the issue with orgasms is this pressure we put on orgasms. To make them bigger and stronger and more powerful and just on time!

I didn’t see much in the books about the actual process of achieving an orgasm. The actual stimulation. The actual arousal. The actual physical act of having sex or masturbating.

There actually seemed to be a pretty big gap between “I’m aroused” and “I’m orgasming” and I found myself lingering there, wondering how we influence our orgasms between points A and B.

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QUESTION: Can you see a woman fake orgasming?

Hey Lorelei, Never had sex before (T_T). I also prefer solo porn, but of late this has been bothering me: is it possible to tell whether a woman fakes an orgasm or not by whether you can see visible contractions/pulsing in the vulva/vaginal/perineum/anal area? It seems like you can, as I’ve noticed contractions accompanying orgasm much more so in amateur solo porn than in professional porn shoots (though they’re there occasionally). That is, the pro porn star seems to be acting out a scene within a certain time period, whereas within amateur porn, it seems like they’re just videoing themselves getting off. Physiologically, do contractions always accompany a woman’s orgasm? And if so, shouldn’t those be visible during (and within a certain time period) orgasm? Maybe I’m just shooting the breeze, that porn actors will do just that, act. Thoughts?

Great question!

image-23

Contractions do mark the female orgasm – but without the equipment scientists use to measure arousal, I find it unlikely that anyone would be able to tell if a woman was orgasming, or simply flexing those muscles herself.

I’ve written about fake orgasms in the past* – they’re a bad idea, by the way. But given that a lot of the physical results of an orgasm – being flushed, blood flow, heart rate, vaginal wetness, and vaginal contractions – can be misread or misinterpreted, it would be fairly easy to fake. This is especially true for professionals who take it upon themselves to give the audience the impression that they are enjoying themselves, even if that’s not always the case.

If you feel like you can’t enjoy the pornography because you’re being too critical of the performance – switch to some higher quality (or in some cases, lower quality) porn!

It is possible that those who are accustomed to faking would be able to spot the certain acting techniques of a faker, but I am not familiar with that craft, so you’ll have to watch the comments section if anyone has a say.

Hopefully any future partners you have will be open and honest with you and you can learn how to read your partners specific body language. As you have sex with someone you start to pick up on other factors associated with orgasms. How they tense up, the sounds they make, a flush or a phrase.

What do you think about fake orgasms?

Read some other related posts:

* Is there a good reason to fake an orgasm?

* Faking Orgasms

Have a question about sex or love? Submit to the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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