How To Make Friends When You’re 28

We were at a house party with mutual friends and I was hovering around the chip table. The moment you went to the bathroom I leaned over to Shelly and said “I have to befriend her.”

This is what friendship looks like when you are 28. It’s tactical. Play one is always the same. You lean over to a mutual friend, your partner, your cat, and you whisper with awe: I have to befriend her.

You’re going on and on about all of my favorite hobbies and all of my favorite sports teams and all of my favorite foods and in my head I’m hopping back and forth clapping, in my head screaming “me too me too me too” with a basket full of vocal fry.

Instead I nod, curtly.

Yes, sports, mmhmm, you enjoy discussing sexuality with your peers, yes, that is the good time these days. 

I make a move to the bathroom and vomit all of the stress chips I just ate. Everyone brought Kettle sea salt & vinegar chips so when it comes up its like a salty, tangy wave of regret.

I come back and you’re standing in a new group of people and there’s no easy way for me to make my move into the circle. The kettle chips are wide open so I go back and start eating them again so I have something to do with my hands.

HOW TO BEFRIEND A NEW GIRL-FRIEND WHEN YOU’RE 28 AND MOSTLY COMFORTABLE WITH YOU WHO ARE BUT ALSO STILL SLIGHTLY FEEL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS MORE AMAZING AND MORE WONDERFUL AND SLIGHTLY MORE ADULT THAN YOU

  1. Say “I have to befriend her” out loud.
  2. Develop a comprehensive list of everything you have in common.
  3. Don’t act like a total spaz when they say “I absolutely love this [one cult movie that you thought you were the only person in the world that saw it and now, here she is, your dream girl, and now that gay marriage is legal you’d totally propose because this might be it, this is probably it] – “
  4. Oh yeah, I like [that thing] too. We should totally [that thing] sometime.
  5. NOW WAIT UNTIL SHE OPENS HER MOUTH TO AGREE AND WALK AWAY.
  6. She’ll be like oh shit this girl is so cool we have one thing in common and she wants to hang out with me maybe I need to rebalance my friend stock portfolio but she just walked away like how could she do that she must not be very desperate for friends. Oh god should I be desperate for friends?
  7. ONCE SHE BEGINS QUESTIONING EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS TO BE TRUE, WALK BACK UP, HAND HER A COLD BEVERAGE, STAND LIKE FONZIE BUT IRONICALLY.
  8. At this point she will now awkwardly ask you to hang out and it will sound like shes asking you first even though you already asked her.
  9. Tell her it’s a great idea, you’d love to hang out, it’s so nice of her to ask, let’s exchange numbers.
  10. HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE A NEW FRIEND.
  11. Don’t text them immediately. Wait like three days and then send them a gif of a bear riding a motorcycle. Type out “just like last night, so crazy” and right when you see that read receipt, PRESS SEND. Then throw your phone in a lake.
  12. You’ll see her by chance at the market, wave and say “Hey… You’re so and so, right? We should totally hang out!” DONT MAKE PLANS FOR LATER. You’re only available RIGHT NOW.
  13. Get her drunk. Tell her all of your deepest darkest secrets.
  14. Wait for her to tell you hers.
  15. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO INSANE YOU ARE SO BRAVE WOW. AMAZING. I CANT BELIEVE WE CLICK SO WELL.

Invite her to your wedding. When you have your first born, call her Auntie so and so. Send her a card in the mail once a year for no reason that just says “you’re a real sweetheart.”

ERrea erraa erra (rewinding sound)

REAL GUIDE FOR MAKING FRIENDS WHEN YOU’RE 28

  1. Find friend. Proclaim with confidence “you’re my friend now.” Don’t overthink it – you’re awesome!
Continue Reading

Five Best Friends Forever Sex Toys

You know those necklaces that are broken hearts and one side says BF and the other side says FOREVER? Well, inevitably, you end up sharing those necklaces with someone you’ll only be friends with for another three years. What you really need to share with your BFF is something sexy. Something that reminds you and your best friend that forever is totally arousing.

Try these on for size:

Breast Mug – $10 (or 2 for $20)

2330.jpg

My love for you is mammary. Add milk.

Chocolate Vagina Mold – $29 (or 2 for $58)

Your friend might not want to eat your actual vagina, but damn if she wont dig in to this. Beware of infection. Penis molds also available.

Pride Jock Straps –  $16 (or 2 for $32)

His love for you is wrapped just around his wiener.

Just in Case condom case – $26 (or two for $52)

Nothing says I care about you and what happens to your genitals like a snappy condom case (with mirror.)

Moon Cup – $39 (or two for $78)

Because, well, your cycles have probably synced up by now.

Tango – $110 (two not necessary)

2502.jpg

Bend over, lets have noncommittal sex between friends.

Pearly – $100 (or two for $200)

3654.jpg

Pearly is a small, soft, easy to use mini-vibe. If you each have one, they can be friends.

Continue Reading

when you hate someone so much their smiles look like daggers

I like pretty much everyone. Even when there is someone that I don’t seem to sit well with, I find it hard to say anything bad about anyone. It usually goes like this:

Well they’re kind of a horrible human being but they definitely made a really good quiche.

Ultimately I make the assumption that if I don’t like someone, it’s probably because I just don’t know them well enough yet.

There is this special category of person, though, where you know them too well and that knowledge develops into a dislike. Sometimes you still even like them as a friend, and consider them a friend, but that friendship is wrapped in a hard candy coating of utter loathing.

Then suddenly every single thing they do pisses you off.

image-5

Did you see the look she gave me?

Her quiche is really dry, totally dry, I bet she didn’t even use real eggs.

I heard she’s studying geology. Like, good for her I guess, but what is she going to do with geology? I bet it’s because she likes things that are hard.

God that is a really hideous color of pink. 

This is such a weird subcategory of human interaction and I’ve struggled to find a name for it. What do you call it when you hate everything that someone does, just because they rubbed you the wrong way? Irritable? A [excuse me] cunt? Is it just some form of bias that you don’t have any control over?

What do you do when you start to look at someone through this tainted lens of they could do no right.

I realized another thing that really influences this phenomenon is what other people say about that person.

If there is someone I already have a hard time liking and someone tells me something negative about that person I am 10x more likely to believe it.

It’s just like them to do that thing. I mean, this one time, they looked at me funny, so, you know, it all makes sense.

Where am I going with this? I didn’t really have a goal when I started typing. To be perfectly honest, I just wanted to stretch my fingers out this morning, so I went with the first thing that came to mind. But I’m a look on the bright side kind of person.

If there’s any lesson to be learned, it’s that we’re susceptible to mind tricks. Jedi-voodoo psychology mumbo-jumbo. As a Psychology major, I can assure you, this mumbo-jumbo is real. There are a lot of reasons we might feel poorly about someone, and feeling poorly about someone can really influence how poorly we feel about them. Circular logic kicks in and we can get stuck on this treadmill of negative-feelings.

If you don’t like someone, or if you find yourself thinking bad things about someone, consider that those bad things have more to do with you than they do the other person.

People are, in general, good. And even when they’re bad sometimes, there’s usually a good reason for it. If someone gives you a weird look or says something that seems mildly offensive, give them another shot, if you can. Get to know them better. Ask them questions about themselves. Get yourself back to neutral. And then see if you have anything in common.

You might not find a lifelong friendship, forged from the heat of your discontentment. But you might find that you bring a little positivity back into your life, and into theirs.

Continue Reading

Is your partner your best friend?

It was the first day of my second year of middle school and I’d just gotten my table arrangements for my Social Studies course. I was sitting with a group of kids that I didn’t know very well. I remember a few kids protested because they didn’t get to choose their seats and they didn’t get to sit by their friends that they’d already made the year before. I’ll never forget what the teacher said, though the exact words have likely faded and changed through memory.

Do you think you get to choose your friends? You don’t get to choose your friends. You don’t get to choose where you live, or where you go to school, or what classes you’re in, or who you sit with at the table. In life you’ll always have reasons you are near the people you’re near, and those are the people who are going to be your friends.

It was probably too deep a concept for someone still struggling with the reality of puberty, but I’ve grown to appreciate the idea the older I’ve gotten. You can’t be friends with someone if you’re never interacting with them. How often do we get to choose who we’re with and who we’re talking to? The older you get, the more choice you have, and the harder it gets. If you want to develop friendships you have to go out of your way to do it. You have to talk to strangers, meet friends of friends, join social groups, or somehow develop friendships through work, which can sometimes have limitations of it’s own.

I was thinking last weekend about friendship in relationships and how the dynamic of friendship changes when you’re partnered. My boyfriend and I were having a conversation about whether or not your partner should be your best friend.

I feel as though your partner should be your best friend in all ways that a person is your best friend. Trust, common interests, time together, a shared sense of humor, open communication, a desire to be together, a mutual interest in strengthening the bond you have together. But your partner should also not restrict you from developing other friendships outside of the relationship, including having a person. That person who is there for you in your life even if your relationship ends.

Do you consider your partner your best friend? Do you have a best friend outside of your relationship? How did you meet that person?

And equally interesting: If you were not in a relationship with your s/o – would you be friends?

 

Continue Reading

Opportunistic Friendship

I used to think there was a fine line between being clingy and being a good friend. Clingy would be wanting to talk to someone every day, all the time, and needing to hang out. Being a good friend would be talking every day, all the time, about everything, and really needing to hang out. Eventually I realized it was because I didn’t have enough of myself to give away, and all of a sudden everyone was so demanding.There was no fine line, it was all about caring who the people were and really wanting to know what they had to say and really wanting to tell them something back.

Nothing holds more true lately than this quote by William Gibson: Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

As it turns out, I didn’t want a lot of friends because all of my friends were assholes. If all you do is surround yourself with people who don’t understand you and people who give you a hard time… well, it’s a pretty great argument for solidarity. Then I realized that there were people out there (particularly after moving to Portland) who had purposes to life aside from making mine absolutely miserable. And it’s not like they were even trying to make it miserable, but their lack of interest in anything aside from themselves made me (and anyone else around them) feel small.

Re-learning what it means to be a friend is not any easy task. You lose your you-time, fast. Sometimes your needs come second. But there is nothing more satisfying, or gratifying, or special, than being important to somebody else. Especially when you can be absolutely who you are all of the time and be accepted just for being that.

A huge part of this process was accepting two things about myself. One, I’m strange. And that’s just okay. Two, I’m bi- and I’m positively obsessed with sexuality. And you can be both of these things and not a pervert. That whole “be who you are and not anyone else” mantra they teach you rings truer every year, but it can take a while to fall into yourself and figure out what that even means.

I suppose this isn’t the most thoughtful of posts, or even the most surprising, but I thought it was important regardless. Even just for myself. It is important to be there, to be present, to be involved, to care, and to try. And people are usually good if you give them a chance to be.

Oh, wait. The entire point of the post was to call out opportunist friends for being cunts. Be there always, be present, not just when it is readily convenient for you. Also: avoid the death trap of friendships fading when you’re in a relationship. Friendships are equally as important and can be maintained easily if you care enough to try.

Continue Reading