Q: Avoidance of Clitoral Sensitivity

I had a request to talk a little bit about clitoral sensitivity during oral sex. This is clitoral sensitivity specifically tied to the desire to urinate. Many women have reached out to me in the past with similar issues. “It feels too sensitive, I have to ask my partner to stop, it feels like I’m going to pee.” Stimulation has varied from g-spot to clitoral. Descriptions of the symptoms sound more or less the same.

In the case of this question-asker, she had already seen a doctor. Bladder tests were done, and apparently she had been put on different medications to treat the sensations. It is helpful to seek medical attention if you are feeling pain, particularly if that pain is ongoing. A need to urinate and the feeling of pain could be something like a UTI.

Thinking specifically of the sensitivity during sex (or masturbation, or oral sex, or any other clitoral stimulation) I have some advice.

The long term advice would be to masturbate often and learn if that sensitivity is located at a certain area on your body or if it is associated to a certain stage of arousal. As you get closer to orgasm you may find that the area around the clit gets more sensitive. It may no longer be comfortable to stimulate as you were stimulating before. If this is the case, changing the mode of stimulation or how you are stimulating could make a difference.

For example: If you are rubbing your clit directly and find that it is becoming painful, move your hand to an area away from the clit and continue to stimulate. The clitoris has a lot of nerve endings packed into a very small space, and as blood rushes down, things become more sensitive. Things become even more sensitive the closer you get to an orgasm, during the orgasm, and after the orgasm. In this case, your partner may be stimulating too directly with his mouth/lips or providing too much direct suction to the clit itself.

Some short term advice would be to try this with your partner the next time he does the thing that was causing sensitivity issues. If you experience discomfort, tell your partner to go more slowly, to stop for a moment, to go more lightly, or to move his hand/mouth/body to a slightly different area.

It is hard to say what could have happened to make these stimulations appear suddenly. Perhaps something emotional/environmental has changed that has made your body react differently to stimulus. Maybe you are on or off a new medication. Maybe you are more relaxed and feel more connected to your partner. Perhaps your partner is trying a new technique that is stimulating you slightly differently than they used to.

There are a lot of reasons why a woman may experience pain, sensitivity, or the need to urinate. The above advice will only really be helpful if the sensitivity is coming from an issue of sexual technique. The most important thing to do is to continue communicating with your partner. If something feels uncomfortable, stop doing that thing, and do something else. If the pain is constant/persistent, continue seeking out medical advice until you find a doctor that is able to help you.

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The Danger of Hitachi?

I tried to get myself off by fingering myself after using my hitachi religiously. I couldn’t even get close. Did I break myself with the toy?

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This is actually a fairly common question when it comes to the Hitachi, goddess of all sex toys. I believe I’ve had others write in with the same question. The hitachi provides a very specific kind of orgasm crack. For those who struggle with having orgasms or simply have a busy schedule, the hitachi can provide quick and reliable orgasms through a hard and steady stream of vibrations.

However, because the stimulation is so powerful and you pass through the stages of arousal so quickly – your orgasms don’t really get a fair chance to build up.

There can be some issues with this:

1. Your orgasm might not be as powerful as it would be if you’d drawn it out longer.

2. If you exclusively use your hitachi you will not get the chance to intimately learn what each stage of arousal feels like.

3. It may make manual stimulation (fingering, for instance) seem more difficult because it doesn’t have the same instant gratification.

I believe that the hitachi provides something useful to the sex game. It can act as a tool of release. It can also help women who have trouble orgasming learn the basics of what an orgasm feels like. The problem is that it doesn’t teach you how to achieve that orgasm for yourself. A very important part of masturbation is learning to read your own body – something that the hitachi bypasses.

Having to lay with yourself and touch yourself breaks down masturbation into more distinguishable experiences.

1. You will better learn your anatomy – where things are, and what things on your body feel best. This information can be passed down to partners or used by yourself to touch yourself more effectively.

2. You will get the opportunity to expand masturbation into a real session of self-love. Where you connect with yourself and can feel the orgasm build. It’s not a speed date, it’s about feeling the most intense physical sensations you can. Don’t shoot for a quickie, shoot for power.

3. You will feel each individual phase of arousal. From the inch of horny that provokes you to masturbate in the first place, to the flood of images, sounds, smells, and memories, to the flush and the heat and the physical responses of your body.

4. You will be able to learn how to control your orgasm based on the knowledge from number 3. When you know how close you are to an orgasm and you know how to press your own buttons, you can have better control over if you’re going to orgasm right then, or later.

5. Drawing out your orgasms (if you choose to do this) is called edging. Edging can bring about more powerful orgasms, and at times, for some, multiple-orgasms. Here you can work in some body bonus features. Kegel exercises to lengthen the time and power of your orgasm. G-spot stimulation to create a different and perhaps more powerful sensation. Lighter clitoral stimulation to draw out the build of your orgasm for a stronger release.

The hitachi gives orgasms, but like most things in life, the ones you earn tend to be better.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Can’t Orgasm Without Clitoral Stimulation?

i think i may have messed myself up for life. i started masturbating as a teenager and now i cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation (for a long time too) i love my husband but vaginal sex is just not as pleasurable as clitoral sex. is there anything i can do to remedy the situation. and yes, there are times that i will provide the clit stim during penetration. but i was hoping that i could learn a way to have an orgasm through vaginal stim. is this possible?

You absolutely did not mess yourself up. Everything you said sounds precisely run of the mill, i.e. you are perfectly normal 🙂

Women often masturbate by stimulating their clit because it is packed with the highest number of nerve endings. It’s pretty common for women to masturbate primarily by stimulating their clit because it just happens to feel the best. Though it is possible to have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation (through things like anal play, or nipple play) I reckon that most female bodied orgasms are a result of clitoral stimulation. In fact, even when your partner is penetrating you, he’s likely rubbing up against the body of your clit in some way that adds to your overall arousal.

So even though its a “vaginal orgasm” (an orgasm led on through stimulation of the vagina) its somewhat misleading to say your vagina was stimulated to make you orgasm. It’s probably a whole number of things. Your vagina being stimulated, your clit being stimulated, your g-spot being stimulated, the weight of his body on top of you and the arousal you get from that, any kissing or touching of your whole body, any potential dirty talk you might exchange, and so forth.

There is rarely just one thing that contributes to an orgasm. A whole bunch of different factors coalesce and bam, fireworks.

It is also not unusual for the female orgasm to take significantly longer than the male orgasm. I’m not sure what “a long time” means, but depending on other variables, you could be stimulating your clitoris for a solid hour before you orgasm.

A couple things that can vary the amount of time you’re having sex:

1. Mental arousal: If you are very mentally aroused, you are more likely to respond to the physical, if you’re less mentally aroused, you’re less likely to respond to the physical. That means if you really get in the right headspace before sex you may find that it’s easier to orgasm. If your head is all over the place and you’re not in the moment, it’s going to take longer to orgasm.

2. Having the right environment: For some people, environment makes a huge difference in how they feel during sex. That could mean where they’re having sex, the lighting, the temperature, the music, any other visuals or smells. Things that influence your senses will influence the kind of sex you’re having. Things that arouse you will help bring you into the right state of mind quicker.

There are also positions you can share with your partner that stimulate the clit more directly. In missionary or cowgirl, explore various angles so that his body presses or rubs against your clit with each thrust. You may or may not want to add lubrication to help it feel more slick. Once you find that position, grinding together can give you a more intense version of what it feels like when you’re touching your clit yourself.

Yes, and continue playing with yourself. I’m not sure why we’ve attached some shame to that, but sex is about feeling good, and if you want to reach around and play with your clit I think you should do it. You could also tell him to do it for you, or grab a small vibrator. Other toys like vibrating cock rings can also provide added clitoral stimulation during sex that may or may not help you reach an orgasm.

Bottom line: have your sigh of relief. It is possible to have enjoyable penetrative sex, but you have to be willing to explore that it might not look like what you thought it looked like. Be open to finding new ways to include clitoral stimulation in your penetrative sex by communicating with your partner what positions feel best. Remember that mental arousal and different types of stimulation before penetrative sex can help everything feel more sensitive. And remember that figuring out what feels best is half the fun of having sex, so enjoy it along the way.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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