prime, primp, peg.

Pegging is a word coined by Dan Savage to describe a female bodied person penetrating her male bodied partner. It’s anal sex, for those not lucky enough to receive their own phallus at birth. Pegging has really taken off in the last couple years, at least in popular discourse, as more and more couples begin to explore their sexuality together. Pegging is exciting because it can be intimate, it can be sensual, it can flex gender roles, it can fall into dom/sub play, and it can help us explore both comfort and trust within our relationships.

It’s also exciting because men are learning the anatomical masterpiece that is their ass. These nerve endings, and the p-spot (the male version of the g-spot) can create intense orgasms.

Exploring Sub/Dom Aspects and Gender Roles

Many men hesitate to bring pegging into conversation, even if it’s something that they’re interested in trying. Many men view pegging as a submissive act and feel that doing a submissive act would make them less masculine somehow. Dominance and masculinity need not be tied, and men should feel comfortable exploring their sexuality in whatever way excites them the most. Exploring submission in the bedroom also does not mean that you are submissive. One great thing about sex is that you can take on a whole host of temporary roles just to see what they feel like.

What if you are a self-described woman and your partner does want to explore this scenario, but you’re not sure you can be dominant? Though the sub/dom role-play can be a part of pegging (and may feel like a part of pegging) it does not have to be the central focus. Move at a pace that feels comfortable to the both of you and let yourselves explore the new positions you can find yourselves in. Seek that intimacy and closeness of trying something new and being tightly together. Once you’re in the position you may even find that dominance is something you’re interested in trying.

Making it through initial hesitations

Many men struggle with anal play if it is a new concept to them. They may have been told (much as women have) that anal play says something about them. Many men still equate anal play with homosexuality and fear that appreciating how it feels says something about their sexual orientation.

This is where priming comes into play. Priming has a lot to do with how the mind works and memories we have about certain things. For instance, if you took someone from a very small town who had only heard negative or stigmatized things about anal sex, they would like report back quickly with “no way” when asked if they would try anal sex. They might not even know what makes their revulsion so immediate.

A useful way of thinking about priming is to get someone in the prime to talk. Start small by expressing your interest in pegging, watching pegging videos together, or reading books about pegging. You could also branch off and read books about dom/sub play or anal sex in general. Bringing up pegging over time may provide a more positive outcome than trying to bring it up all at once. If you’re in it for the long haul, lay that foundation for a good experience.

Primping after you’ve primed, before you peg.

Anal sex requires a certain amount of finesse for some. The muscles in the anus need to relax to allow for penetration. If you’re unfamiliar with how this works, taking some time to get to know the area can be exceptionally useful. If you’re thinking of using a strap-on yourself, take time to practice using it before you go into penetration. Practice wearing it, strapping it on (or putting it in) and working the thrusting muscles that those born with penises have had more time to master. If you’re the one that is going to be penetrated, perhaps use some toys on yourself in your free time to get used to the sensations. Prostate toys, butt plugs, or anal beads all come in beginner varieties and can help get you started.

Lube is a necessity for anal play because there will be no natural lubrication like there tends to be in the vagina. Finding a nice thick lubricant will make relaxation and penetration a lot easier.

Some partners start off easy – they both have an interest in pegging and can move on directly from there. Other couples need to talk through and move more slowly through initial hesitations. Wherever you start with pegging, all couples end up at this similar location of education. Learning how to communicate, learning how to explore, and experimenting together for their mutual enjoyment.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. Want to explore anal toys or strap-ons? Hit the shebop icon on the sidebar and check out Portland’s most awesome female friendly adult store.

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Prostate Play & You: 101

For the last year the most searched for phrase and the most view post on my site has been about prostate play. This is only second to my posts about pegging (when a man is anally penetrated with a strap on by a female partner.) Here’s the news: men like being stimulated anally. Whether it’s the taboo nature of the act, the real physical pleasure of the nerve stimulation, some role-play kink, or just a sexual fantasy they have yet to live out, anal play is in.

How can we get past the -yuck- factor of anal play? Maybe more important, how can we get past the “This makes me gay!” factor? While most of the men who I interact with on a daily basis are comfortable enough to put something up their bum without questioning their sexual identity, most of the world still associates sexual orientation with sexual expression. That means if you put something in your butt, you’re probably sending off a big gay alarm somewhere in the basement of Heterosexual Monitoring.

Getting Past The Yuck

Try it yourself

Do you remember when you were a little kid and someone told you that adults put penises into vaginas and mushed them together and sometimes make babies? Seriously, gross. Vaginas are weird and smelly and moist and blood and babies and mucus come out of them. I’ll take a pass. If you’re hetero and went on to actually giving ye olde penis in vagina a shot, you probably realized it felt pretty good. It was easy to give it a shot because, well, everything around you and everything inside you is saying go have sex. 

The first step in getting past the yuck is actually having the experience for yourself and seeing if it’s actually gross or not. (And if it is, maybe you’ll enjoy it.) Trying it must involve information. Information means knowing what to expect and knowing how to prepare. The preparation for anal sex can help avoid a lot of the “mess” and make the experience more enjoyable.

You can also try anal play in private first. Trying something in private doesn’t mean you’re ashamed of doing it in front of someone else, or with someone else. Sex can and should be experienced solo, too! Touching yourself and just exploring the area and seeing how things feel can make a big difference on the experience you have with a partner. There are lots of mens toys out there for prostate play which can be super-stimulating to use once you get the hang of it.

Here are some prostate toys that I would recommend:

Naughty Boy – $78.00

Rude Boy – $80.00

Bob – $49.00

Getting past the “this makes me gay” factor

Education. Education. Education. It’s important to separate the following words in your vocabulary and learn the difference between the three.

Gender is something you identify as and express yourself as. Though typically male or female (the “gender binary”) you may express somewhere in-between or as neither. Your gender is usually assigned to you at birth based on your sex. Your sex is the biological part of you, your penis, your vagina. Sex can get complicated when we look at intersex people or people who are born with some parts of each sex. Sexuality or Sexual Orientation is how you identify. Some people are straight, some people are gay, some people are bi. There are all kinds of sexual orientations that people feel comfortable describing themselves as.  Your gender, sex, and sexual orientation can be any combination of things. Sexuality can also describe the things you enjoy doing in bed. Someone who identifies as homosexual might not enough practicing anal play in their sexuality. Someone who is heterosexual might only enjoy anal play. These things are all on a wibbly-wobbly spectrum. Because it’s so complicated and accepting the black/white “man – penis – heterosexual” image is just a hell of a lot easier, people have a difficult time understanding this. Take your time and read books about gender and sexuality and start to learn more about what it all means.

I’ll be writing more posts about prostate play and anal play for men in the future along with more posts about pegging. I like to focus my posts on what you’re interested in reading about. If you have any questions about this, submit to the top of the page by clicking ask advice. 

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Question: “Is this normal?”

Question: Follow up to MESSES OF SEXES. Thanks for clearing that up for me. Your assumption was right, however, we do use condoms sometimes and for lubrication- saliva and the same thing happens. Could it be anal squirting?

Answer: The anus doesn’t produce the same fluids as the vaginal canal does. If you’re using condoms and semen isn’t a factor, I’d say it’s likely just a combination of mucus and whatever you used for lubrication. I wouldn’t be concerned unless you are noticing other symptoms like bleeding, pain, soreness, or anything else that feels out of the ordinary. Hopefully you wouldn’t continue anal sex if you experienced these things – and if they continued – I would advise a checkup for things like hemorrhoids.

Question: I got my period a couple days late and when it came it didn’t last as long as it usually does. Is this a sign of something? Should I take a pregnancy test?

Answer: It’s unlikely that anything is wrong. Sometimes things like diet, exercise, or stress can alter your cycle. Sometimes you may just have a heavier or lighter flow. There are lots of scary articles on the internet about spotting, heavy periods, light periods, and what it all means. Unless you are particularly alarmed by something you see your body doing, I wouldn’t be too concerned. (It might just throw your cycle off even more!)

Keep track of your cycle so you can spot these abnormalities. How long is your cycle? What day did your period come on? Did you just start taking birth control? What kind of birth control are you on? Those kinds of things are useful to know. It might be important to note if your period continues to be super light or if you notice any other symptoms that are new/different/uncomfortable.

As usual, you know your body best. If you’re worried, make a list of questions to ask your doctor the next time you see them. You can also keep note of where inexpensive pregnancy tests are located near you and where you can access plan b if the situation arises where you need it.

 

Do you have a question about sex or sexuality? Do you need relationship advice? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer your question on my blog.

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Q/A: Messes of Sexes

Question: 

Four hours after having anal sex with my boyfriend and properly cleaning myself, I got the urge to use the toilet. instead of feces, a clear liquid comes out. This happens every time I have anal sex. Is this normal?

image

Answer:

If anyone ever said sex was clean and pristine, they were lying to you. The same goes for anal sex. I’m making the assumption that you and your partner were not using condoms. If that’s the case, the liquid you’re seeing is probably the flowback. The semen coming back out, with the force and position of you sitting on the toilet. That might be combined with any other mucus or lubricants that collected during your sexual romp. There’s quite a bit more room for those fluids up there, and it’s a bit more closed off than the vaginal canal. They’re going to leak out more slowly – which is probably why you see this happening when you see it happening.

The best fix would be to have your partner use a condom (which is a great idea for anal play regardless) or to have your partner pull out prior to ejaculating. You sound perfectly normal. Pick up some wipes to keep by the bed or in the bathroom and have fun.

Do you have a question about sex or sexuality? Do you need relationship advice? Submit your question to ask advice at the top of the page and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

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The Guide to Pegging

I was going to call this “The Ultimate Guide to Getting Your Male Partner To Consider Anal Play” but it seemed like too long of a subject title. Instead I decided to go with the name popularized by Savage Love for a woman fucking her man in the ass.

I decided to write this because of the wide spread popularity of articles targeted at the male audience to get their female counterparts to participate in anal play. There seems to be a spotlight on this particular orientation of things, which falsely leads us to believe that women do not want to fuck their men in the ass.

From my perspective it’s simply because most people haven’t considered it. How many times in your life does someone ask you “Hey, have you ever wanted to have a penis to fuck your man with?” I mean, One- men are characteristically more hesitant to anal play (we’ll get to that later) and Two- Most who consider themselves women do not have penises and therefore do not consider themselves capable of penetrating their male partner. Unless you are particularly sexually imaginative you may not twist and turn these gender norms like others would.

I believe part of the popularity of pegging may have stemmed from the new openness surrounding anal sex as well as the boom in sex toys. I can’t say whether or not more couples are participating in anal sex and other forms of anal play, or if they are just more openly discussed. Regardless, it’s there, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable to readily admit that you like something up your ass. And not in the “foot up your-” kind of way. As for toys, there are more and more options like double penetration toys or strap-ons that (while perhaps marketed towards FF couples) shine a particular light on a woman with a vagina suddenly having a dick. I know I am not in the minority when I say I have often wondered what it would be like to have one, and even though I am not a lesbian I was quick to throw all sorts of strap-ons to my wishlist. A few weeks later it hit me, maybe I can use them.

Problems

One unfortunate point to get past (which some may find the most difficult, and … impenetrable) is the idea that enjoying anal sex or anal play of any sort makes you gay. I have some sympathy with this point. If you can believe that enjoying a particular sexual act makes you gay, you are so far withdrawn from the realities of sex and sexuality that you can hardly be blamed. I have to realize that I am in the minority as far as courses and education and studying goes on gender issues. There is still a huge population of people who don’t know the difference between gender, or sex, or sexuality, or orientation, or trans or bi or les or queer or… and while this can be aggravating for those who put so much soul into the equality of all sorts of people I have to accept that some people are going to look at anal sex and think “gay” because that’s how gay has been made public for so long. I look at it from this perspective: being gay is something that exists in your mind, it is an orientation. Not everyone who is gay likes or participates in anal sex. Liking anal sex/play means that you’ve had nerve endings stimulated and you then experience pleasure. This doesn’t mean that everyone will enjoy anal sex but I do think it means that we have the ability to, and that doesn’t make us gay. It makes us pretty lucky.

Attached to that, and somewhat of a biproduct of that, is the idea that you are less masculine if you are put into that position. That you are “less of a man” because you are playing a female-typed role. All I can say about that is… if you’re going to think like that, you’re missing out on a lot of things in life. Men and women’s roles are constantly weaving into one another. Men certainly never play stay at home dad, they never have jewelry, they’re never sensitive. That would be absurd!  Sarcasm intact, what we perceive as things “women do” and “men do” are all created by us and can be broken by us. It is only when we get into sex that these things become even more of an issue. A woman can certainly grab a dildo and fuck her boyfriend in the ass if she and he so please to do so.

It is true, though, that there may be a bit of submission involved. The same sort of submission a woman might feel when bent over and taken from behind. There is an air of it there, and with the newness and taboo-ness of taking a man from behind it might be even more submissive of a move to make. If your partner likes to be submissive it may be an easier subject to broach.

Introduction (and more problems)

You can’t expect to be laying in bed fooling around and then pull out a big dildo with a strap and ask your partner to bend over. That’s no way to begin any conversation. Conversation (pre-meditated) is the most important thing in bringing up new activities in the bedroom. And sometimes you must converse often, throughout different times of the day, week, month, year. Patience is your greatest ally. So is knowing when you need to stop conversing. And recognizing when ‘asking’ becomes pleading and nagging. Some people just aren’t interested, and if your partner is one of those, the rest of this post might not be for you. As much as I’d love to say “those fools, denying the greatest pleasure known to man” it’s impossible to say that everyone will appreciate (or even find pleasure in) anal sex.

The introduction into anal play may be easier if you and your partner already have a rapport in speaking about one another’s fantasies. Is it something you have mentioned before? Have you mentioned other things you’re interested in doing? Has he? Are you fairly sexually explorative? Speaking about fantasies often may allow more openness in your relationship as you two become more comfortable admitting things you may not have wanted to admit earlier on. I remember lying about some of the things that I was interested in trying in the past just because I didn’t particularly feel like being judged at that moment in time. It happens.

If your partner is hesitant to the idea, cover their problems with it first. If you’re lucky and pass straight past gender-typing and ‘the gay’ issue there are still a lot of other things men (and women) can be nervous about pertaining to anal sex or anal play.

It’s gross, dirty, taboo, “why would I?”, I hear it hurts, I’d rather not, I’d never thought about it and I don’t want to now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to try that yet/now, I tried it once and it did hurt so I’m not trying it again…

These are all subjects for another post, but in summary: yes it can be dirty, proper preparation can help keep things as clean as possible. Also- what part of sex is clean to begin with? Fewer people have problems with sucking dick, but in retrospect… Oh, and taboo. Right. This makes it twice as exciting, give in a little. Why would you? Why wouldn’t you? I hear it hurts too, so let’s try not to make it hurt. We’ll go slow, we’ll use lube, and we’ll make you feel good. If you hadn’t thought about it before, think about it now. And if it hurt once, it might not hurt the second time. What went wrong, if anything, that made it uncomfortable?

Anal Play

For beginning with anal play the rules are the same whether you’re male or female. Start slow, and work your way up. Fingering is the best way to start because you (the giver) have the ability to feel the muscles relax and tell you when/if to continue penetrating. It will also allow you (the receiver) to become accustomed to having something in your ass. Remember that anal play does not mean “only look at someones ass for an entire night” and this line of thinking may provide a boring and less-than-attractive experience. While anal play can feel good all on it’s own, it’s extremely helpful to double team it up with some other sort of stimulation. For men- start with the usual. A handjob, a blowjob, maybe even sex. Then slowly start to work your way downwards. As you start fingering the ass, don’t let up with stimulating the head/shaft/balls. If possible, go for a blowjob/handjob while you finger with the other hand. If you want to focus completely on him, let him masturbate while you finger. The added stimulation will assure that he’s still aroused, feeling good, and make it easier for him to relax his muscles while hopefully preventing tension. Oh, and please don’t forget lube. Lube, lube. LUBE.

A movie I highly recommend watching is “The Expert’s Guide To Anal Sex” by Tristan Taormino. This video goes more in depth on the anatomy of the anus and how the sphincter muscles work in unison. It will explain how to achieve pleasurable anal sex, or penetration at all. It will also talk about nerve endings and why anal sex feels good. For sake of length, I’ve decided not to go more in depth on anal sex in and of itself.

A note to men:

If you have ever considered having anal sex with a woman (or ever have had anal sex with a woman) I encourage you to take a moment and consider the idea for yourself. There is a reason there are now so many prostate stimulating toys out there for men. Stimulating the prostate can lead to similar feelings (and orgasms) as stimulating the g-spot in women. You can experience greater and longer orgasms, as well as greater sensations during sex. If that isn’t reason enough to give it a shot, I’m not sure what is. It is possible that you may have a bad experience, as many do, and it’s possible you may not. It’s also possible you may not be able or willing to have anal sex for a long period of time. Starting with any kind of anal play besides anal sex may be just as rewarding and fulfilling for you and your partner. Regardless of whether or not you are interested, please listen to your partners fantasies with an open mind, as you would hope they’d do for you.

If there is anything more you want to know submit at the top!

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anal sex (Q/A, Misconceptions, How-To)

A few people have requested that I do another post on anal sex. This is a post that I write semi-regularly and I think is very important no matter how many times I write it. It would be impossible to include all of the information necessary (unless I wrote a book on it) so if you have any questions after reading please email me atsuggestivetongue@gmail.com so I can further help you. I would also like to mention an incredible source for all of you to check out if you are truly interested in trying (or perfecting) anal sex. It is a movie called “The Expert Guide to Anal Sex” by Tristan Taormino. She is the anal sex goddess and this movie is a must if you want to experience pleasurable anal sex.

The first thing you have to do before reading anything about anal sex is throw your preconceived notions out the window. Here are a few popular misconceptions about anal sex.

Q: If you play with the anus aren’t you going to get shit everywhere?
A: No, not necessarily. Keep in mind that fecal matter doesn’t just sit and rest in the anal canal at all times. If you’re planning on having anal sex do it several hours after a bowl movement and not at a time when you feel like you’re going to need to go. Prepare as much in advance as you can by eating correctly so when you do have a bowel movement it is a clean cut, so to speak. This will prevent anything from being “left behind in the behind.” It is also beneficial to take a shower before having anal sex just to make yourself extra clean on the outside.
If you are especially particular you can have a enema done at home which essentially washes out the inside of the anus. This makes some people queasy, but it makes other people more willing to give it a go.
As a last thought, remember that sex is not supposed to be clean. Bodily fluids are being exchanged left and right and if a little brown smudge comes out on your dick grab a wet wipe and keep on going. It’s not going to be a full shit-storm, most likely just a bit of discolored discharge. Which, as I said, can also be avoided.

Q: Everyone tells me anal sex hurts, is it possible to have anal sex without pain?
A: First things first-if you have painful anal sex then you may not have prepared long enough. Many people approach anal sex like they do vaginal sex. The anus is NOT THE SAME as the vagina. It requires preparation and it’s own specific set of guidelines. Understand the anatomy of your own body and how it works before going about anal sex. If you do this and are relaxed it is entirely possible that you will have pleasurable anal sex the first time. If you are prepared and don’t have pleasurable anal sex the first time, don’t give up, try again, and work on what you’ve learned. Remember that pain is your bodies message that something is wrong and if you experience pain you should stop.

Q: Is anal sex safe sex?
A: There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex. In this mind set, yes, anal sex is safer sex. You cannot get pregnant through the anus just like you cannot get pregnant through oral sex. On the other hand, there is still the possibility of pregnancy when you are having anal sex. For example, some people have anal sex without condoms and when the ejaculate runs out of the anus it can slide down to the vagina. It is also possible to get STDs from anal sex so it is important to get regular testing done and be very careful to go slowly so you don’t tear a hole in the tissues inside the anus.

Q: Vaginal sex feels good, why would I want to have anal sex if I’m already satisfied?
A: It is a good sign of someone who is not sexually intelligent when you hear them give up where they start. If there is the possibility to experience a greater (or different) orgasm… why wouldn’t you want to try to reach it? It is possible for both men and women to experience more powerful orgasm from anal stimulation. That alone is good enough reason for me to tell you it’s worth the shot.

Q: You blog a lot about anal sex, is it your favorite thing to do in bed?
A: No, I can count the number of times I have tried anything in this area of sexuality on one or two hands. It is (at this point) not my favorite thing to do but I am still aware of the pleasure you can receive from it and think that it is a topic worthy of understanding. Not everyone is going to fall in love with anal play, but everyone can experience pleasure from it.

So as I said the first thing you need to do is throw everything you’ve thought about anal sex being “dirty” out the window- at least if it’s negative. If you, like many others, get thrills out of doing something taboo then keep those feelings around. They might just help you get things done. The more aroused you are the easier anything in sex is. So be aroused, get wet, and get ready.
After you’re all wet, erect, whatever- you’re going to need to know the anatomy. The anus is much longer than the vaginal anal and because of this can allow for deeper penetration. Unlike the vagina, however, it has a curve. Because of this keep rule number one in mind.

Do not penetrate too quickly or too hard. Go slow, work into it.

If you penetrate too quickly or too hard you may hit the wall on the inside of the anus causing some pain. It’s also not wise to penetrate the anus quickly without warming up first because the muscles will not have relaxed yet for this to be possible. This can cause bleeding, tearing, pain, and might even be impossible. More on basic anatomy later.
While it might be something you can get away with in the vagina, the anus is a different breed and does not self-lubricate. Which leads to rule number two.

Always use lubrication.

Lubrication is a must in anal sex and anal play. With no natural lubrication things can get dry and… as the saying goes, the wetter the better. Keep on hand a bottle of lubrication and do not be shy to use it frequently.
So you have lubrication, you know the basic anatomy, and you’re okay with the idea of being penetrated/penetrating the anus. The next step is putting all of this into motion.

1. Get aroused, stay aroused
Playing with your clit while he is working up your ass is very beneficial. It is important to stay aroused and in the game the entire time. Playing with your clit not only keeps you aroused but it keeps your mind off what he is doing to your anus. If you are simply thinking about what he is doing then you might instinctively tighten up making it harder for him to work his way in. Play with yourself, talk dirty, watch porn, or really get into how dirty it feels to have your ass played with. Whatever does it for you.

2. Make sure she is aroused
Men- it is also your job to make sure she is aroused. Make sure she wants what is going on. Do this by lubricating your finger and running it back and forth over her butthole. See how she reacts to your touch. Maybe reach around and rub her clit every now and then. Remember that it is never okay to go ass to vagina because of the potential bacteria so always use a clean hand or keep sanitizer/wipes handy.

3. One finger, slowly
Here is my continuation of basic anatomy. Before you actually can have anal sex or anal penetration of any kind you need to win over the sphincter twins, the internal and external sphincter muscles. Once you’ve worked the sphincter muscles open the anus will actually loosen up quite a bit and will actually stay “open” like a gaping hole of sorts for a few moments after being penetrated. This is why the initial penetration and warming up of the anus is so important and makes anal sex more pleasurable.

So- you’re rubbing your finger around the outside of the anus to warm things up. You start to feel things open up a bit. Now it is okay to slowly press the tip of your index finger inside. Notice how it feels and how she tightens up or loosens up around you. Most women prefer if you avoid any “come hither” motions at first and simply press straight in very slowly. It can be a strange feeling to get used to so communicate frequently and have her tell you how fast to go and when to stop or pull out.

I would also avoid from “thrusting” motions. Simply press, and continue to press in. If you get a hole finger in congratulation yourself and move on to the next step.

4. Thrusting, more fingers, and toys
Once she is warmed up to your finger begin experimenting further with her consent. You may start to thrust in and out slowly, add another finger, or pull out and use a small toy (slim dildo) or butt plug. Anal beads are also good for beginners especially if the beads on the toy go up in size. Be aware of how she feels, continue to communicate, and make sure things don’t get too dry. It is okay to stop and do something else momentarily if she wants to calm down for a moment.

———-

I would suggest not continuing on to having actual anal sex the first time you experiment with anal play. Pretend like you are trying to obtain a PhD in anal studies. Notice how she feels, how she reacts, what it’s all about. How can you relax her the most quickly? What movements with your finger give the best reaction? What does she want to do, what does she want to try, how fast is she ready to move?

The most important things to remember are the relaxing of these anal muscles and lubrication. Open things up, relax things, and keep things wet. When you reach the anal sex phase remember that it is often incredibly intense for both parties. Most men orgasm very quickly the first time they have anal sex and most women experience very powerful orgasms. It is best to pull the penis out of the anus fairly quickly after ejaculation while things are still wet and open creating an easy withdrawal.

Feel free to point out any spelling issues I had in here, I only read through it once. Again, if you have any questions feel free to email me. Hope this was beneficial!

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