Should You Take My Advice?

What is advice?

Advice is a recommendation about what someone should do based on a set amount of information.

When I give advice I combine (1) my knowledge about a situation with (2) filtered through my own bias and (2) the information given to me about that situation.

It’s really difficult to give advice without imparting your own bias! That’s because your bias impacts how you see the entire world. My goal for every post is to try and think about the situation outside of what I would do, and think about what that person could do or what would be healthiest to do.

How does advice work?
  1. Give the advice-giver as much information as you can about your situation and what you’re looking to receive from the advice. Include as much information as you’re comfortable with and any information you think might be relevant.
  2. When you read the advice, remember that it’s going to be biased, and based only on the information you’ve given the advice-giver.
  3. Take that advice into consideration. Ask someone else for advice. Remember that it’s just one person’s advice.

When asking for advice, the advice-asker usually has some idea of what they want to do.

SHOULD YOU TAKE MY ADVICE?

I don’t believe you should take advice. Advice isn’t a guidebook, advice is a set of suggestions. When someone gives advice they aren’t fully aware of the entire situation.

Advice may create a visceral reaction. There may be an instinctive pull towards one answer or the other.

The advice-asker might think this advice is wrong or this advice was helpful. Either way, the advice has done the job by assisting in strengthening your intuition or guiding you towards a more appropriate response.

The benefit of asking for advice often

If you’ve ever been on an advice message board, you might have noticed that a lot of people asking for advice have let their situation advance quite a bit.  For example, if they are in a relationship that is unhappy, they’ve likely been unhappy for a long time before asking for advice. A lot of the time people only ask for advice after they’ve already made up their mind about a a particular situation.

They know what they should do or they know what feels right or wrong, but they want someone to give them permission to say out loud how they feel.

It can be scary asking for advice before you need it because it forces you to confront and work through issues you’re having in your life. 

Asking for advice frequently can be useful if you remember that advice is not a set of guidelines. Use advice (or therapy, or counseling) to help guide you towards making better decisions that are all. yours. Confronting issues like this often and with heart can make you stronger, wiser, and happier.

Do you need advice about sex or love? Submit now at [Ask Suggestive] and I’ll answer on my blog. 

 

Continue Reading

Q: I’m toxic, he’s toxic. Only with each other.

Weve been together for 4 years and 8 months. Im toxic. Hes toxic. Only with eachother. We are very pleasant when we arent miserable. I think im worse than he is though. His mom did everything for him growing up-she picked out all his clothes and made his plate and served it to him, cleaned his room and washed his dishes. So i had to teach him EVERYTHING. This quickly became a burden for me. I started getting frustrated at him not knowing or not plugging two and two together or not seeing something directly in front of his face. I started bitching everytime he did something stupid or being unable to double task. This made him MASSIVELY insecure. Scared to tell me anything. Totally walking on eggshells around me. After while of that he started getting pissed off at me when i bitch. I dont give a rip so he started lecturing me for hours. I was emotionally unresponsive so hed throw .Psycho. tantrums. I learned that he was punching himself and hitting himself with a walking stick(hed done it through childhood). He stopped hitting himself since i told him i would leave him if he ever did it again. Now a year or so later we are still bitching and fighting and hating. Ill learn a lesson and then a month later he starts doing what i was doing and then he learns the lesson. We run in circles. We were staying in an apartment on his parents property, and they recently kicked us out(Im almost 22 and hes almost 23). I did ALL of the work except for 3 large bookshelves and some last remaining dishes. He was conveniently absent the week it took me to move us out. We got into a really big fight over that. He moved out the rest of the furniture and two months later those dishes are still there untouched. A couple years ago he made me quit my job and stay home, and that lasted for a year, i feel indebted to him. After all of this fighting and one-sided work ive crashed. Crying for a week straight . Ive been bitching and hes been immature. Ive stopped moving, stopped eating and drinking. He started doing all of the cooking and the laundry. But things are stacking up. He doesnt do the dishes or put things away. It really bothers me that i can take care of us and the house by myself and him not touch me or do anything special or intimate. But since ive crashed he cant hold things together. Or get himself together for our relationships sake. I know i can change but i distrust him. Hes not as strong as me. Heres the kicker. Our goals, dreams, ideals, morals, and hearts are exactly aligned. Aside his genetic lack in muscle definition being physically unattractive to me(Which prohibits me from wanting kids with him), we both can see each other together until the end. I love who he is, but i hate what he can become. And i know he feels the same way about me. We want to fix things, but i feel utterly hopeless. I just want to run away from this madness. I can be absolutely happy if i leave. But i feel like it might be best to work through this even though im absolutely defeated and depressed. I dont know when the breaking point for such insanity should be. Ive been so abusive the i should have left him a long time ago for HIS sake. He refused because im his first love. But i destroyed him. I dont know what to do.

Reader, I feel like you already know the answer to your question, and you are trying to find another way.  If I may, here are some direct quotes.

Im toxic. Hes toxic. Now a year or so later we are still bitching and fighting and hating. I know i can change but i distrust him.  Aside his genetic lack in muscle definition being physically unattractive to me. I just want to run away from this madness. I can be absolutely happy if i leave.

You have been with this person since before you were 18 years old. This is likely the only person that you know, truly, as a romantic partner. It is so hard to leave our first love. But love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Neither is “wanting the same things.” It sounds like you have reached an impasse. A moment where progress is no longer possible. It seems that you have been trying for years to make this relationship be the way you want it to be. If you have been together for 4-5 years, how many years of your relationship were simply peaceful, enjoyable, happy? You are only toxic with one another – isn’t this the toxicity that impacts you most as a couple? Shouldn’t this statement be one of high importance?

You are both exhausted. You cannot see a future with him. Not one where you have children together, not one where you experience joy in mutual sexual attraction, not one where you are trusting and kind. You know that you can be happy without him but you also seem to know that you cannot be happy with him. Do not feel defeat. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Do not feel guilty. It was not your job to make it last forever in spite of all of this.

Sometimes it feels like leaving is the hardest thing you could ever do but maybe staying is the hardest thing you could ever do. If every day feels like a battle and you’re not even sure what future you’re fighting for, why are you fighting?

ask advice // suggestivetongue.com/ask or ask@suggestivetongue.com

Continue Reading

Old Posts & Advice Columning

Hi Lo! Is there a way to search an old blog post in which you gave advice from years back? The post had given advice on facing/tackling school loan debt in response to an anonymous question. If so thanks so much in advance!

Thanks for asking! I removed the search feature a while back because I wanted to discourage reading old posts as much as possible. That’s because I’ve had my blog for over ten years, and in that span of time, my knowledge base and my opinions have both changed exponentially. So has the way that I write. Some of my older posts include language or advice that I would no longer recommend using. I’m happy to answer the same question over and over again because it allows me to include new tidbits that I’ve learned since I last answered the question.

I think this is the post you’re looking for.

This is a good opportunity to mention that I’ve re-opened email responses on my blog.

I would highly encourage people to continue submitting their questions and prompts to my web form. This allows me to share the response to your question publicly, so more people can benefit from the information. But, I know, sometimes a question might be especially personal. It might require a little back and forth. In these circumstances, please email me at ask@suggestivetongue.com. I’m also very happy to just have discussion with readers about subjects that they find difficult to understand.

xx st

Continue Reading