sex at dawn

A while ago I got my hands on Sex at Dawn and I devoured it like a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Page flipping and note taking and serious contemplation on everything I’d been taught for the past 21 years. I had thought my head might be in agony from all that thinking and had prepared myself a care package of tea and crackers, but, pushed aside, I found myself only nodding at everything I read. As the tea grew cold I continued to read and realized that not only did I agree with near everything said but it was as though this stranger had reached inside of my head and pulled out emotions I had yet to figure out how to describe.

So I finished the book and I started to think to myself about how this was going to affect my life. The core message I got from the book was that monogamy is not natural and we don’t have to feel bad about that. Tonight Christopher Ryan said he thought one of the main ideas was that even though the entire book is really about sex, the point is that sex really isn’t that big of a deal at all. I agree.

Now I’m not even slightly knowledgeable with monkeys and I have to admit at parts of the book I wished there was less monkey and more “But why do I feel this way? How can I use this?” Which isn’t something he can teach me, or anyone else can teach me. I knew that going into it, but for some reason it was still aggravating. It’s something I have to learn on my own. I feel lucky in that I have had my horizon broadened exponentially with the reading I have tackled in the past two years but I also, at the same time, feel so terribly sad for everyone else.

I see my friends asking themselves these same questions. Why? How? Help! And I realize that I can’t help them either. The best I can do is deliver them a stack of books, highlighted chapters, notes in the borders. “Read this and you’ll understand.” And they’ll come to some conclusion and whatever it is they’ll have more options than they did before.

So my notes are scribbled and one worded and are fairly nonsensical so I won’t really get into that. Even my notes seem to be just for myself. There are a few (small) points I wanted to mention though just for my readers.

There was some talk tonight about jealousy and whether or not that is natural (yes) and how that reflected on the idea of non-monogamy being natural. The answer is really that jealousy is a product of fear and insecurity (both natural, as well) and as the last chapter in the book describes… you might just have to trust what you don’t know or understand.

I am at a constant struggle with myself over this and I have found that the times I’ve just let life slide are the times which I have been most happy and at ease. When something in life happens where I should find myself jealous or uneasy or even a little scared I have to ask myself why. Why am I feeling this way? Is it rational? And I have to conclude that if my relationship (romantic or otherwise) were really so weak and flimsy that it could be torn apart in the middle of Starbucks or walking down the street that it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with. That’s where I started getting into this, that’s where my thoughts began.

Society will tell me what you need to watch your man because he’ll stray or you have to keep him happy and you need to do all of these things for him but I think that’s a bit of bullshit. You should have a mutually beneficial partnership with someone but you should by no means be a slave to them and the commitment you have to them.

I very much enjoyed the concept of the person as a “universe” and completely on their own. That’s something I’ve stumbled with in giving advice in the past. People want to know what to do and they want to know what you would do and they want answers to their problems. The best anyone can really do is explain what they say from their perspective and then direct that scenario back to the person having troubles. The answer is within you, somewhere, it just seems like people are unequipped with the tools to find these answers.

In my opinion, this book is one of those tools.

You read it and you realize that perhaps what everyone else does isn’t normal and you don’t have to do it just because they are.

It’s not to say that breaking the boundaries of societal norms is easy, but as the book says you should confront these things together. Communicate with your partner/s and open up that dialogue to what you really want in a relationship and how you can get there together. Essentially, there is no wrong answer… and there is no right answer… as long as it works for those involved.

Thanks to Shannon for the book and the excellent writing team behind it. I look forward to a potential part two.

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I love you (let’s break up)

One thing that has always fascinated me is the cruelty of love and relationships. Falling in love is essentially like becoming an addict, falling out of love is like having the thing you cared about most in the world die. Somewhere in between, you realize that love isn’t black and white. It’s a painful lesson and with complete certainty one you have to learn on your own. No one can tell you your love isn’t lasting, you’ve got to figure that out on your own. In my own trek through the romantic wilderness I’ve met so many people in loving relationships who just weren’t completely satisfied. In other words, the “I love you- but I want to see other people” phenomenon. I’m convinced at this point that most people experience this at least once in life, somewhere between the ages of 16-25. You fall madly in love with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Ignorance, or maybe you’re ahead of the curve, but you find that despite their utter perfection you justaren’t ready yet.

So what the fuck?

This was always one of the most difficult questions for me to answer, and it still is. You love someone, you should be with them. But the second you can admit to yourself that you aren’t done dating/fucking/flirting/exploring is the second that you have to admit to yourself that your relationship has an expiration date. Whether or not it shall be picked up later doesn’t matter. Staying with someone simply out of love seems reasonable, but it’s not how relationships work. A relationship requires two people who want to be together. If the rules of that relationship state you can see other people (note: open relationships) all the better. If they don’t, and you want to explore, you’re in for a shit storm of a downfall.

I love you, let’s break up.

But Lorelei, there will always be more people to date. New vaginas to fuck. New cocks to screw. When do you know when enough is enough, even if that urge is still there?

Honestly, no idea. And that’s the rough part. Each time you enter a relationship and subsequently fall in love you are tying yourself to another human being with the complete possibility that you’ll have to rip that connection apart. And that is the risk you take falling in love, dating, and putting yourself into a relationship. Is it going to last? Possibly. Do you want it to last? Possibly. Are you done dating? Wait and find out.

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A sexual revolution through revelation

I like to listen to my music as I walk to class pretending that the people around me are in a music video. As the beat hits I step off the sidewalk and begin my pace, like the tempo, I’m glad no one can hear the same music or they’d know I’m dancing. The old man across the street tapping his foot is the beat master and his cane pushes all sorts of buttons in the air as he turns around, presses walk button, snazzy. The girl with her Prada bag and high heels in garbage, looks so sad, think the song is about her. When I get to the train I sit and wait and lean back feeling so much cooler than I really am because of the sound in my head and the way my hips gyrate against the pole behind me. Just a small movement enough for me to feel and no one knows- I’m pole dancing to the hottest tracks.

Train comes, sit down, I am another person. I pull my book out and I put on my glasses and I have- what- posture. Hair from down to up and I highlight phrase, by phrase, by phrase, taking mental notes in my mind. The people around me shuffle their things beneath their feet and I wondered which one of them has sinned the most. Is it her who sits legs spread or he who looks suspiciously behind himself as though he’s being followed? Next to him, she wears leggings as pants and her bra is hot pink with lace. Is she going to take it all off tonight or does she just- think it’s cool?

I wish- since I was little- when I could write- I’d written down the things that happened. Someone asks, what is so cool about a new year? Every day begins a new year. 365. A number. Pointless in your mind. And yet looking back all these dates I must remember as I highlight over and over and over again. 1956. 1973. In the 1930s…

One day someone will sit beside me and ask me what happened in 2009.

I have to remember. What happened in 2009? Will the years of my life blend together like an electronic malfunction? The black and white lines of a broken television screen that when you hit it- can almost see- losing it again. I write. Starting now. These are the problems of the world that my children will see solved and my children’s children will laugh about as though we knew nothing. And I will say I remember, I helped, I was there. And they will know that I was a part of something because I will be able to tell them, in full, this is what it was. This is what the textbooks don’t tell you.

In 2007 I fell in love. This is what I was wearing. This is what that meant. I will tell them of my parents and my parents parents and my parents… parents… parents… and how the world changes and how they must take that on now too. And I wonder if they will realize, before I had, what an important mark they have on the world every year they are alive. I wonder if they will realize that these moments, as small as they might seem at the time, are going to be remembered by people far past the time they are here.

In January 2010 I put my headphones on, everyone has them. I pretended I was in a music video and everyone around me worked for free. Never the backup dancer in my own life. We’re afraid of people dying and most of us too afraid to live. I get up. I walk to class. It’s cold outside and I inhale until my lungs turn cold. Everything is relevant.

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anal sex (Q/A, Misconceptions, How-To)

A few people have requested that I do another post on anal sex. This is a post that I write semi-regularly and I think is very important no matter how many times I write it. It would be impossible to include all of the information necessary (unless I wrote a book on it) so if you have any questions after reading please email me so I can further help you. I would also like to mention an incredible source for all of you to check out if you are truly interested in trying (or perfecting) anal sex. It is a movie called “The Expert Guide to Anal Sex” by Tristan Taormino. She is the anal sex goddess and this movie is a must if you want to experience pleasurable anal sex.

The first thing you have to do before reading anything about anal sex is throw your preconceived notions out the window. Here are a few popular misconceptions about anal sex.

Q: If you play with the anus aren’t you going to get shit everywhere?
A: No, not necessarily. Keep in mind that fecal matter doesn’t just sit and rest in the anal canal at all times. If you’re planning on having anal sex do it several hours after a bowl movement and not at a time when you feel like you’re going to need to go. Prepare as much in advance as you can by eating correctly so when you do have a bowel movement it is a clean cut, so to speak. This will prevent anything from being “left behind in the behind.” It is also beneficial to take a shower before having anal sex just to make yourself extra clean on the outside.
If you are especially particular you can have a enema done at home which essentially washes out the inside of the anus. This makes some people queasy, but it makes other people more willing to give it a go.
As a last thought, remember that sex is not supposed to be clean. Bodily fluids are being exchanged left and right and if a little brown smudge comes out on your dick grab a wet wipe and keep on going. It’s not going to be a full shit-storm, most likely just a bit of discolored discharge. Which, as I said, can also be avoided.

Q: Everyone tells me anal sex hurts, is it possible to have anal sex without pain?
A: First things first-if you have painful anal sex then you may not have prepared long enough. Many people approach anal sex like they do vaginal sex. The anus is NOT THE SAME as the vagina. It requires preparation and it’s own specific set of guidelines. Understand the anatomy of your own body and how it works before going about anal sex. If you do this and are relaxed it is entirely possible that you will have pleasurable anal sex the first time. If you are prepared and don’t have pleasurable anal sex the first time, don’t give up, try again, and work on what you’ve learned. Remember that pain is your bodies message that something is wrong and if you experience pain you should stop.

Q: Is anal sex safe sex?
A: There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex. In this mind set, yes, anal sex is safer sex. You cannot get pregnant through the anus just like you cannot get pregnant through oral sex. On the other hand, there is still the possibility of pregnancy when you are having anal sex. For example, some people have anal sex without condoms and when the ejaculate runs out of the anus it can slide down to the vagina. It is also possible to get STDs from anal sex so it is important to get regular testing done and be very careful to go slowly so you don’t tear a hole in the tissues inside the anus.

Q: Vaginal sex feels good, why would I want to have anal sex if I’m already satisfied?
A: It is a good sign of someone who is not sexually intelligent when you hear them give up where they start. If there is the possibility to experience a greater (or different) orgasm… why wouldn’t you want to try to reach it? It is possible for both men and women to experience more powerful orgasm from anal stimulation. That alone is good enough reason for me to tell you it’s worth the shot.

Q: You blog a lot about anal sex, is it your favorite thing to do in bed?
A: No, I can count the number of times I have tried anything in this area of sexuality on one or two hands. It is (at this point) not my favorite thing to do but I am still aware of the pleasure you can receive from it and think that it is a topic worthy of understanding. Not everyone is going to fall in love with anal play, but everyone can experience pleasure from it.

So as I said the first thing you need to do is throw everything you’ve thought about anal sex being “dirty” out the window- at least if it’s negative. If you, like many others, get thrills out of doing something taboo then keep those feelings around. They might just help you get things done. The more aroused you are the easier anything in sex is. So be aroused, get wet, and get ready.
After you’re all wet, erect, whatever- you’re going to need to know the anatomy. The anus is much longer than the vaginal anal and because of this can allow for deeper penetration. Unlike the vagina, however, it has a curve. Because of this keep rule number one in mind.

Do not penetrate too quickly or too hard. Go slow, work into it.

If you penetrate too quickly or too hard you may hit the wall on the inside of the anus causing some pain. It’s also not wise to penetrate the anus quickly without warming up first because the muscles will not have relaxed yet for this to be possible. This can cause bleeding, tearing, pain, and might even be impossible. More on basic anatomy later.
While it might be something you can get away with in the vagina, the anus is a different breed and does not self-lubricate. Which leads to rule number two.

Always use lubrication.

Lubrication is a must in anal sex and anal play. With no natural lubrication things can get dry and… as the saying goes, the wetter the better. Keep on hand a bottle of lubrication and do not be shy to use it frequently.
So you have lubrication, you know the basic anatomy, and you’re okay with the idea of being penetrated/penetrating the anus. The next step is putting all of this into motion.

1. Get aroused, stay aroused
Playing with your clit while he is working up your ass is very beneficial. It is important to stay aroused and in the game the entire time. Playing with your clit not only keeps you aroused but it keeps your mind off what he is doing to your anus. If you are simply thinking about what he is doing then you might instinctively tighten up making it harder for him to work his way in. Play with yourself, talk dirty, watch porn, or really get into how dirty it feels to have your ass played with. Whatever does it for you.

2. Make sure she is aroused
Men- it is also your job to make sure she is aroused. Make sure she wants what is going on. Do this by lubricating your finger and running it back and forth over her butthole. See how she reacts to your touch. Maybe reach around and rub her clit every now and then. Remember that it is never okay to go ass to vagina because of the potential bacteria so always use a clean hand or keep sanitizer/wipes handy.

3. One finger, slowly
Here is my continuation of basic anatomy. Before you actually can have anal sex or anal penetration of any kind you need to win over the sphincter twins, the internal and external sphincter muscles. Once you’ve worked the sphincter muscles open the anus will actually loosen up quite a bit and will actually stay “open” like a gaping hole of sorts for a few moments after being penetrated. This is why the initial penetration and warming up of the anus is so important and makes anal sex more pleasurable.

So- you’re rubbing your finger around the outside of the anus to warm things up. You start to feel things open up a bit. Now it is okay to slowly press the tip of your index finger inside. Notice how it feels and how she tightens up or loosens up around you. Most women prefer if you avoid any “come hither” motions at first and simply press straight in very slowly. It can be a strange feeling to get used to so communicate frequently and have her tell you how fast to go and when to stop or pull out.

I would also avoid from “thrusting” motions. Simply press, and continue to press in. If you get a hole finger in congratulation yourself and move on to the next step.

4. Thrusting, more fingers, and toys
Once she is warmed up to your finger begin experimenting further with her consent. You may start to thrust in and out slowly, add another finger, or pull out and use a small toy (slim dildo) or butt plug. Anal beads are also good for beginners especially if the beads on the toy go up in size. Be aware of how she feels, continue to communicate, and make sure things don’t get too dry. It is okay to stop and do something else momentarily if she wants to calm down for a moment.


I would suggest not continuing on to having actual anal sex the first time you experiment with anal play. Pretend like you are trying to obtain a PhD in anal studies. Notice how she feels, how she reacts, what it’s all about. How can you relax her the most quickly? What movements with your finger give the best reaction? What does she want to do, what does she want to try, how fast is she ready to move?

The most important things to remember are the relaxing of these anal muscles and lubrication. Open things up, relax things, and keep things wet. When you reach the anal sex phase remember that it is often incredibly intense for both parties. Most men orgasm very quickly the first time they have anal sex and most women experience very powerful orgasms. It is best to pull the penis out of the anus fairly quickly after ejaculation while things are still wet and open creating an easy withdrawal.

Feel free to point out any spelling issues I had in here, I only read through it once. Again, if you have any questions feel free to email me. Hope this was beneficial!

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he’s a stud, she’s a slut

As you probably know by now I am an avid fan and reader of Jessica Valenti, both her books as well as her articles on

One of the books of hers I finished recently is called He’s a stud, She’s a slut (And 49 other double standards every woman should know.)

When beginning this book you are introduced to what I’d like to call “Feminism for beginners”. Essentially, every decent human being is a feminist both man and woman, we just might not all know it yet. The book is a quick read with each “chapter” being one of these double standards. He’s a stud, she’s a slut. He’s angry, she’s PMSing, the list continues. I admit that I have never been the most passionate feminist and I am a newcomer in the world of protesting and activism in general. Reading this book is the great beginning motivator for anyone who wants to become involved or just become educated.

These double standards not only bring women down, but bring men down as well. Are all men players, ruthless, tough to the core? Clearly men have no emotions, they are empty shells! Just as women are degraded in our culture men are put on a pedestal and often times not all of them can equate to what society wants them to be. If you feel like the double standard gets played out both ways, read this book. Start to get angry- because you should be. Male, female, transgendered… everyone should be angry.

Highly recommended, quick read, thought-provoking.

If you pass through this book and want more, pick up another one of her books- Full Frontal Feminism. It goes into many of the similar ideas but as a book itself has more meat to it. Again, easy for a femi-beginner and incredibly interesting. You’ll just fall in love (with her, the ideas, whichever. It’s all brilliant.)

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rape fantasy: extended version

Note: I originally posted this on my blog February 2009. I’ve had a few requests since then to re-post it but I only just found it today, sorry for the wait.

As promised, here is my revised “rape fantasy” blog. The initial blog I wrote was a three page paper for my Violence and Aggression class. The article I reviewed was called “Women’s Erotic Rape Fantasies: An Evaluation of Theory and Research” put out by the Journal of Sex Research in 2008.

Because I think a lot of you may be intrigued by this topic I decided to rewrite it with more information and more points. I also realize since it’s going to be a lot of information it may be difficult to stay interested so I’m going to number my points and try to keep it short.

As a note, I obviously believe that rape is wrong, and disgusting. As I’ll mention a few times throughout the post, I personally believe that they should not be called rape fantasies. It gives a bad name to an otherwise potentially enjoyable fantasy for many people. Here we go.

1. What is rape?
Rape is unwanted sexual intrusion. Rape is physical force, threat of force, or incapacitation (for example: sleep, intoxication) to coerce someone into sexual activity. Since rape is overwhelmingly committed against females, the length of this post will refer to women. Keep mind however that there is no stereotype as to who a rapist can be. It can be someone you know, it can be a friend, it can even be your spouse.

2. What is a rape fantasy?
Just in case you didn’t know, a fantasy comes from the imagination and is unrestricted by reality. At least, that’s what Princeton says. But I believe it. The problem with the rape fantasy is that people hear the word rape and are in disbelief that anyone could desire such a thing. We’ll get to that part later.

A rape fantasy is basically a fantasy of control, and there are two basic kinds that I want to focus on.

A) Erotic Rape Fantasies
According to a study done in the 80s, Erotic Rape Fantasies low levels of fear and no realistic violence. An example of an Erotic Rape Fantasy:

A handsome cable man greets you at the door, he says something suave. You protest. No! I could never! He grabs you by the waist and kisses you. No! I can’t! I’m married! He sweeps you off your feet and takes you to the bedroom. I can’t do this! I don’t want to! You kiss back. This is wrong! You continue to kiss.

Remember the cable guy, I’ll mention him again in the third section coming up.

B) Averse Rape Fantasies
Then, there are the Averse Rape Fantasies. The ARF is more realistic in what you think of in terms of real rape, but is still far from actual rape. The Averse Rape Fantasy will have more of an aspect of domination towards it. It may contain aggression and will likely have a darker overtone to it than the former fantasy. For example:

You’re walking through the alley at night when a man confronts you. He’s absolutely hideous and he demands your wallet. You refuse. The man then decides to take sex in place of the wallet. She will say no, but gain sexual pleasure out of the encounter.

It’s easy to look at that situation and see it as entirely wrong. How could she get pleasure out of that situation? Remember this guy as well, because I’ll talk about him later too. The point is, though, that throughout these entire fantasy she IS giving consent. The point of a fantasy is, that you are not actually losing control of the situation. You are getting the sensation that you’ve lost control. She was never in any danger.

Any rape fantasy contains three aspects. Sex, nonconsent, and force.

3. Why do people have these fantasies?

There are quite a few theories, all of which any of us should be able to relate to or at least understand.

A) Masochism
Masochism deals with the desire for suffering and pain, but don’t stop reading there. This theory as you may have guessed tends to ride with the Aversion Rape Fantasy. The fantasy that tends to involve more aggression. A study done in the 80’s by Bond and Mosher showed that when given two rape fantasies (one involving pain, and one involving minimal discomfort) the arousal level went up when there was only minimal discomfort. That would show that if masochism is a reason some people enjoy the rape fantasy, it’s not a very large percentage of them. Also, in a different study, over 99% of the people interviewed said they would not want to be raped in real life. They reported that they felt rape was a repulsive and traumitizing experience.

B) Sexual Blame Avoidance
Another popular theory for the rape fantasy is that women want to be “taken” as so they can enjoy sex but not feel the guilt of expressing their sexuality. This theory stems from a long history of sexual repression, in a society that doesn’t allow women to enjoy sex. The idea is that if the sex is forced from her, she cannot be blamed for it.

C) Openness to Sexual Experience
This is the opposite of Sexual Blame Avoidance. Basically, this persons sexuality is so open that they are advancing to new fantasies, and trying new things. Researchers saw that as womens sexual experiences grew, so did their fantasies. I could see this theory stemming to either Aversion Rape Fantasy or the Erotic Rape Fantasy. It would really depend on the individuals personal preference, I imagine.

D) Desirability
Basically “they want me so much they’ll do anything to have me.” Women desire to be desired, and when a man loses control because of that it can be arousing. Or at least that’s what some researchers believe. Kanin (1982) believes that it enhanses the females self-esteem. It can also establish her sexual power.

E) Male Rape Culture
A lot of people may argue that this is one of the more dominate reasons why the rape fantasy exists, though I don’t agree. The Male Rape Culture theory basically means that women have rape fantasies because we live in a male dominated culture. Full of strong, testosterone heavy men who will take advantage of you. There are no valid studies to really hold this theory up, and the fact that many men also have similar fantasies kind of writes it out.

F) Biological Predisposition to Surrender
As keen as I am to follow the biological aspects of sexuality, this point I too have to disagree with. In 1999 Helen Fisher said that females may have the natural tendancy to surrender to a dominant male. There have been no studies to confirm nor deny this, but it seems as though a stretch.

G) Sympathetic Activation
There is however one biological theory I can agree with, along with a personal testament. For those of you who haven’t taken a biology class or a psychology class, there is something called the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. This is the part of our body that gives us the “fight or flight” feeling when put into dangerous/scary/anxious situations. Our heart rate goes up, so does respiration.

This theory suggests that when put into a situation where we’ve lost control (such as rape) we have a natural sexual response. We become aroused. In all definition of it, we are technically “aroused”. But I too believe that the sexual arousal is tied to that. As an example, many people enjoy having sex where they know they might get caught. That fear or excitement causes extra arousal. An added sensation. A new height to the experience. That is the main idea.

H) Adversary Transformation
This too is a long stretch for me to believe. Basically, it stems around romance novels. The idea is that women take the men from the books they read (or, whatever) and turn them into their fantasies. The men are generally strong, sometimes cruel, but handsome. Instead of being the women reading the romance novel, wishing that man were hers, she puts the man in her fantasy and makes HIM want HER. It makes sense, on a level, but if it were put into a rape fantasy it would be Erotic Rape at most. And even then, a small percentage of rape fantasies I imagine.

4. Why should it be renamed?
I applaud those of you who have read this far. If you read all of the above, you may agree with me by now that it should be renamed because the rape fantasy is nothing at all like real rape. A rape fantasy consists of two willing, and consenting adults. It is a game of control. It is, for lack of a better word, roleplay. And it is not roleplaying the dangerous and horrible situations that happen all over the world. These are not mockeries of real rapes. They are make believe situations in which we lose power. And for whatever reason people decide it arouses them (as you can see, there are many above) it does NOT make light of the horrible thing that is rape.

5. Why is there such a bad stigma towards the rape fantasy?
When someone outright disagrees with someone they will often not put time into understanding it. They disagree with it, they think it’s wrong, they don’t want to know about it. Perhaps if they were to understand what exactly happened during a “rape” fantasy they would change their mind. And, above all, if the name were changed it would probably not have any stigma attached to it at all.

6. What if I’ve been raped and have the rape fantasy?
It has been written about time and again that women who have been raped can develop a rape fantasy later in life. I have even heard of cases where women are unable to get themselves off to anything besides the fantasy of rape or being controlled. In these situations, there is clearly some sort of mental problem that they haven’t worked out. The situation that they were put into wasn’t fair. They shouldn’t have to put themselves in similar situations. I would imagine it is a sort of coping mechanism. I would suggest anyone who has been through this to seek counseling. If anyone has any information regarding this I didn’t mention, please don’t hesitate to tell me. I don’t think this is really something anyone can know about except the people it happens to.

Another theory (which I didn’t take mention to) is that women use the rape fantasy to prepare themselves for the possibility of being raped in real life. If they feel as though they have control over the situation in a fantasy, it becomes less of a nightmare to them in real life. I don’t think this is a good reason to be having the fantasy, as it takes the rape fantasy from more of a control fantasy to more of a actual rape-fantasy. It’s my opinion that it’s not healthy to combine the ideas of actual rape with the act of sex. Just like I wouldn’t suggest joining together thoughts of murder with sex. They just aren’t things you want to associate.

Thanks for reading, as always please let me know if theres anything else regarding this you want to know.


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trans awareness month

Being a volunteer at the Queer Resource center not only allows me to help make a difference (however small it might be) with LGBTQ rights but it also allows me to stay informed on the happenings out there in the world of sexuality.

For trans awareness month the QRC is hosting a variety of different events and workshops to help educate people and promote awareness.

In honor of this I thought I would pass along some definitions I was given when I started volunteering. While these might be obvious to some of you, there are many people out there who have no idea what they mean. Some people just confuse them.

Thanks for reading, and pass on the knowledge!

Cross Dresser: Cross dressers periodically dress up as members of the “other” sex, but do not desire to change their birth sex. They dress up for a variety of reasons including self expression, personal enjoyment, and/or sexual gratification. Many cross-dressers are heterosexuals, but cross-dressers can be of any gender identity or sexual orientation.

Trans: An inclusive term that describes a gender identity and/or gender expression that is outside of social norms.

Transgender: Describes individuals who cross-over gender identities without necessarily changing their bodies. This includes individuals who identify as a gender different than their assigned sex at birth as well as those who experience themselves as being genderless. People of all sexual orientations can be transgender.

Transsexual: A person whose gender identity does not match the culturally assigned gender identity for their anatomical sex and who generally desire a physical transition that includes hormones and/or surgery. People of all sexual orientations can be transsexual.

Transvestite: A person who derives sexual pleasure from dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex.

Queer: Having a sexual orientation, sex, or gender identity expression different from that of deemed respectable by mainstream society. A term that was originally derogatory but as been transformed within the LGBTQ community to be more inclusive of various identities.


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your sex life is not private

People often assume that your sexuality is something that is private. You do it behind doors, you probably don’t tell everyone about it, and you consider it something you just do with a select few people. It’s important to you, and whether or not anyone else is actually involved in it probably doesn’t influence you on a day-to-day basis.

What most people don’t realize is that your sexuality (and your sex life) is controlled in almost every conceivable manner.

Take popular children’s actor Pee-Wee Herman. He was arrested for exposing himself in an adult theater and thusly banned from children’s television. While what he did is no doubt outside the boundary of what is appropriate, he did it in an environment that was exclusively meant for adults. Never mind the fact that he didn’t actually expose himself to children (which, might I add, most people think he did.) What he did in his own time affected how people viewed him in his career and he was cut off from that part of his life.

You can use the same example for teachers who are fired because of pornography. A few years ago (and there are several other cases with similar plot) a teacher was fired because students of hers found a pornographic video she had filmed and posted online a dozen years before. According to the school, they believed that the students would now be too distracted by her to learn. She might have been the most fantastic teacher in the world, but you can see her tits online? We’re sorry, we’re going to have to let you go.

How many of you would make a pornographic video… if you didn’t want to be something besides a porn-star later in life? I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been talking to someone and they’ve said they would never take a nude photo of themselves because they want to be a politician. A scientist. Something “respectable.” Well, are you suddenly less respectable because you created a pornographic film? What in that makes you a less respectable person? Does it make you less reliable? Does it make you less human? Does it make you less of a nice person?

Everyone has sex, but if you admit it you better start looking for a new job.

Besides regulating just how public your sex can be, your sexuality is regulated in many other ways. For example, birth control. The history of birth control “distribution” is disturbing, at the very least. Not too long ago doctors were able to prescribe birth control on a case by case basis, basically allowing them to decide who they personally thought birth control should be prescribed to. And let me tell you, single women who just wanted to have sex without getting pregnant weren’t on that list. Doctors were affectively able to control the sexuality of women by not allowing them a prescription to birth control.


And while condoms and other contraceptives were still relatively easy to get your hands on, many women did not feel protected without the pill and thusly did not engage in intercourse because of this. These days you still have the possibility of this happening. Some doctors have “a moral conscious” from prescribing birth control to the younger crowd. Some pharmacists have been to known to refuse plan b to teenagers just looking to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. And in some smaller cities, there are even stories of people working at grocery stores refusing to checkout condoms because they think the person buying them is too young.

This isn’t even getting into how hard it can be to obtain birth control itself. Don’t have insurance? Don’t have a job? Don’t want to tell your parents? Live in a small city? Scared? Don’t know what to do? Well you might be screwed. If you live in a city (or situation) that has made it easier to obtain birth control consider yourself lucky. Realize that many people want it, but are unable to get it for whatever reason.  Why isn’t birth control equally available to everyone? Thought provoking, isn’t it?

The final point I want to bring up is the hetero-norm of our culture. If you go beyond having heterosexual penis to vagina intercourse in the missionary position someone is going to judge you. This judgment is then bundled up with the judgment of everyone else into a giant stereotype that if you are having sex in a way that isn’t in the hetero-norm then you are doing something wrong. When you believe that you are doing something wrong (and are for whatever reason ‘dirty’) then you might be persuaded to stop doing it. Even if it’s a part of you, or something you enjoy. A great example of this is when people who are homosexual live a heterosexual lifestyle because it’s simply not socially acceptable to be gay. That’s the most simplistic example. Another one? I’m not going to let my boyfriend have anal sex with me because people will think I’m a slut. It might sound ridiculous if you read my blog and already understand all of this… reality… but the truth is that a lot of people don’t. They get sucked into the lie that if you aren’t having normal sex then you aren’t normal. The truth is that no one knows what normal is.

So the next time you’re having sex and your legs are spread wide in the air just wonder who is watching you. Taking notes. Judging you. And you’ll realize that while there might not be literally someone in the room with you, the same thing is happening regardless. Whether you know it or not.

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It’s not fair, said the sheep

Some mornings the only thing that gets me up is the concept of a routine. I lay in bed covered in warm sheets wrapped around my boyfriend and wonder why I would ever want to leave. What could possibly coax me from the warmth and the comfort and the absolute bliss.

It’s not fair, I’ll tell myself.

Just this once, just this once I’ll lay.

I deserve to lay like this, I’ll tell myself.

So I curl back up and take a big breath of satisfaction. I’ve made an adult decision to stay in bed today. And while I lay there in the warmth and feel all the muscles in my body relax back into the mattress I know somewhere inside of me that I shouldn’t be so comfortable.

I’ve got to get up, I’ve got to get moving.

Everything around me is telling me it’s morning. The sun is breaking through the blinds and the ceiling fan is kicking light off the walls. My alarm has been on snooze twice already and I’m confounded as to how I manage to close my eyes and dream in those ten minutes between buzzes.

I feel rested but I want more, like a drug, like an addiction. I curl myself back into it like I’m wounded.

Some mornings the only thing that gets me up is the concept of a routine. Another drug. Another twisted perception of whats real. I get up because I know I can make coffee. I try to convince myself that I want the coffee more than I want to be curled up in bed.

The coffee is warm Lorelei, and deep roasted, rich and smooth. The whole place will smell like coffee. The grounds will seep into your skin. You’ll be so awake, you’ll be so ready, you’ll have never been so alert.

And then I close my eyes.

I get up because I know I can check my email. I’ll sip my coffee in the big round mug and read my email. I’ll have so much email and I’ll feel so important. That big red number over my mail icon. You have twenty three new messages. You have forty two new messages. People need your attention.

Get out of bed.

Sometimes despite this routine I can’t help but lay just a few moments longer. I find myself twisted. Entangled in the sheets. Halfway down the bed and upside down. I think it’s with this contemplation that I end up this way.

I have a dream about a friend of mine. He’s naked and he’s chasing me around my house. Eventually I end up cornered in the bathroom and he’s on top of me and I keep screaming no but he doesn’t stop. Nothing happens and we’re all laughing. I sit on the couch between my naked friend and a bunch of my other friends, all wearing clothes. That’s all I remember and then I wake up.

I don’t know why I don’t get out of bed now, afraid to close my eyes again, to slide into some sort of twisted lucid dreaming. It’s far too easy these days, I’ve conditioned myself.

So many mornings, I just can’t get up. My bones have melded into the frame. I think I’ve become apart of the pillow top. Sometimes I forget I’m in bed, and I say I’m tired. Then I close my eyes and I sleep. And then I wake up. And I want to sleep some more.

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common ground

One of my more well known stances is that I do believe there is common ground in the abortion debate. I believe that common ground (between people who label themselves pro-life or pro-choice) is sex education. If you give kids proper comprehensive sexual education from the beginning they will be more prepared to face their sexuality. They will know how to protect themselves properly, leading to -I imagine- a great reduction in unexpected pregnancies.

According to a news article I just read, China has more than 13 million known abortions each year. That, is a lot of abortions.

According to the article, nearly half the women having sex are not using any type of birth control. Is this because they aren’t able to get their hands on it, or because they aren’t educated in the proper usage? Either way, these are both things we can put a dent in by educating and supplying.

Hopefully China will now start educating at a younger age (those who are being educated about contraceptives and birth control are typically young married couples) and hopefully this will reduce some of those abortions.

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