Top 100 Sex Bloggers

Hooray, the list is here! Like the web-addict I am I actually had one of those anxiety dreams about this last night. You know where you dream about perfectly realistic situations and then you wake up and feel like it actually happened and repeat the same thing over and over until your alarm actually goes off? I spent quite a bit of time updating my Google Reader the other night only to come to the shameful realization that I only had one or two sex bloggers that I actually subscribed to. I guess sex blogs were on my mind (as if they aren’t always?) and so it took over my unconscious. Anyways, I made the list again! I’m so excited to be a part of such a wonderful group of writers. There are so many new people I have to check out now, and I suggest you do the same! A huge thank you to Rori, who is responsible for creating this list now for the third year in a row. What an incredible amount of work it must be to visit all of those blogs and pick favorites (closer to 200 were nominated) ! And, of course, thank you to everyone who nominated me and thought I was worth being on the list in the first place.

Enough gibberish, here’s the list. (via)

If you’re new to my blog feel free to look around and ask any questions you might have in my formspring. You can also email @ suggestivetongue at gmail dot com anytime you want for a chat. Looking forward to getting to know you!

  1. Guy New York (@quickiesnewyork) and The Dirty Gentleman from Quickies in New York
  2. Charlotte Times (@charlotte_times) from The Life and Charlotte Times
  3. Kendra Holliday (@TBK365 and @beautifulkind) from The Beautiful Kind
  4. Amie Wee (@crevicecanyon) from Crevice Canyon
  5. Riff Dog from Ashley and Me
  6. Catherine Toyooka (@Catcoaches) from Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator
  7. Vineyard Road (@vineyardroad) from Vineyard Road
  8. David (@DavidinVegas) from A View from the Top
  9. Quizzical Pussy (@quizzicalpussy) from Quizzical Pussy
  10. Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life
  11. Dick and Jane from Dick-n-Jane
  12. EA (@easilyaroused) from Easily Aroused
  13. Axe (@unspeakableaxe) from Unspeakable Axe
  14. Joan Price (@JoanPrice) from Naked at Our Age – Better Than I Ever Expected
  15. Oatmeal Girl (@oatmeal_girl) from Submission & Metaphor
  16. Dark Gracie (@darkgracie) from Dark Gracie
  17. Mistress Lilyana (@MistressLilyana) from Mistress Lilyana
  18. Kyle Jones (@butchtastickyle) from Butchtastic
  19. Cheeky Minx (@LoveHateSexCake) from Love Hate Sex Cake
  20. Adam from The Mind of a Married Man
  21. Dr. Marty Klein (@drmartyklein) from Sexual Intelligence
  22. Lady Pandorah (@ladypandorah) from Lady Pandorah’s Sanctuary
  23. Holly (@pervocracy) from The Pervocracy
  24. Brooke from Puppy Tales
  25. Lady Dragonfly (@miladydragonfly) from Lady Dragonfly
  26. nilla (@swirlednilla) from Vanillamom’s Blog
  27. Wilhelmina Wang (@wilhelminawang) from Heartbreak Nymphomania
  28. Holden (@packingvocals) from Packing Vocals
  29. 25 Things from 25 Things About My Sexuality
  30. Thumper (@thumperMN) from Denying Thumber
  31. Kake (@poeticerotica) from Poetic Erotica
  32. Lucas (@top2bottom) from Top to Bottom
  33. Ms. Diane D from Bi and Large – Cuckolding with a Twist
  34. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross (@dodsonandross) from Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross – Sex Information Online
  35. Kat from Prowling with Kat
  36. The Gentle Nibbles Writing Team (@gentlenibbles) from Gentle Nibbles
  37. Pandora (@pandorablake) from Spanked, Not Silenced
  38. Molly (@mollysdailykiss) from Molly’s Daily Kiss
  39. Vixen from Secrets of a Blue-Eyed Vixen
  40. DDD from Dick Dyke Dick
  41. Jade (@piecesofjade) from Pieces of Jade
  42. Jiz Lee (@jizlee) from Jiz Lee
  43. Sin from Finding My Submission
  44. Kris from The Phone Courtesan
  45. SapioSlut from SapioSlut
  46. Rockin’ (@RockinwithaCock) from Light Switch
  47. Rachael (@rabbitwhite) from Rachel Rabbit White
  48. Neo Dom Tom from A Bedroom Dom
  49. Daisy Danger (@daisydanger) from The True Life Sex Adventures of Daisy Danger
  50. Violet & Rye (@UCAppetites) from Uncommon Appetites
  51. Kaya from Under His Hand
  52. Lilith (@lilith9465) from Lilith Land
  53. Lady Grinning Soul (@LadyGrinSoul) from Lady Grinning Soul
  54. Septimus from Dirty Art by Septimus
  55. Roxy (@sroxy) from Uncommon Curiosity
  56. Anakin (@AnakinDarth) and Padme (@padmeamidala) from Journey to the Darkside
  57. Dr. Charlie Glickman (@charlieglickman) from Adult Sexuality Education
  58. Lily from theblackleatherbelt
  59. Arabella (@askarabella) from Bombshells & Rockstars
  60. SN from Peel It Off!
  61. Bre from Owned, Collared, Loved
  62. Adriana Ravenlust from Of Sex and Love
  63. Delilah (@definingdelilah) from Defining Delilah
  64. Arthur and Annabelle from Lust and Confused
  65. Lorelei (@suggestive) from Suggestive Tongue
  66. Kitty Stryker from PurrVersatility
  67. Mollena (@Mollena) from The Perverted Negress
  68. Naughty Lexi from Exploits of Lexi
  69. Karen Blue (@kissinbluekaren) from Kissing Blue Karen
  70. Arti (@ArtiAbsinthium) from Absinthe Cocktail
  71. Figleaf (@talkingfigleaf) from Real Adult Sex
  72. Miranda and Aarron from The Swingers Attic
  73. Blacksilk (@BlacksilkBlog) from Blacksilk’s Boudoir
  74. Violet (@violetscreaming) from Screaming Violet
  75. Ferns (@Ferns__) from Domme Chronicles
  76. SlipperyWhnWhet (@SlipperyWhnWhet) from A Slut’s Memoir
  77. Fruit Taster (@fruittaster) from Fruits of Libido
  78. Mrs. Discontented (@DiscontentedMrs) from Mrs. Discontented
  79. Aisha from Being Aisha
  80. Ruby Ryder from Pegging Paradise
  81. Chrystal Bougon from Better Sex Radio
  82. Lipstick Lori (@lipsticklori) from Rarely Wears Lipstick
  83. CarrieAnn (@CarrieAnn_) from A View from the Floor
  84. Dangerous Lilly (@dangerouslilly) from This Could Be Dangerous
  85. Electronic Doll (@electronic_doll) from Post Modern Sleaze
  86. Jerome from Let’s Talk About Sex
  87. Dusk (@dusk_in_chains) from Dusk (in chains)
  88. Innocent Loverboy (@innocentlb) from Innocent Loverboy
  89. RHS from The Redheaded Slut
  90. Violet Blue (@violetblue) from Tiny Nibbles
  91. Amy (@AnalAmy) from Anal Amy
  92. Curvaceous Dee (@curvaceousdee) from Curvaceous Dee
  93. Jason Stotts (@Jstotts) from Erosophia
  94. Mistress Kay (@mistress_kay) from Kinky World
  95. Viemoira from Cavern of the Beast
  96. Lucid (@lucidobsession) from Lucid Obsession
  97. ♀ & sss (@sweatshopsissy) from Sweat Shop Sissy
  98. Kat from She Makes the Rules
  99. Yummy from Sexual Adventures of a Married Woman
  100. YOU! – As always, I want to leave a place on this list for ALL the awesome sex bloggers out there! So please leave a comment with your name/URL to tell us about your sexy blog!
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Opportunistic Friendship

I used to think there was a fine line between being clingy and being a good friend. Clingy would be wanting to talk to someone every day, all the time, and needing to hang out. Being a good friend would be talking every day, all the time, about everything, and really needing to hang out. Eventually I realized it was because I didn’t have enough of myself to give away, and all of a sudden everyone was so demanding.There was no fine line, it was all about caring who the people were and really wanting to know what they had to say and really wanting to tell them something back.

Nothing holds more true lately than this quote by William Gibson: Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

As it turns out, I didn’t want a lot of friends because all of my friends were assholes. If all you do is surround yourself with people who don’t understand you and people who give you a hard time… well, it’s a pretty great argument for solidarity. Then I realized that there were people out there (particularly after moving to Portland) who had purposes to life aside from making mine absolutely miserable. And it’s not like they were even trying to make it miserable, but their lack of interest in anything aside from themselves made me (and anyone else around them) feel small.

Re-learning what it means to be a friend is not any easy task. You lose your you-time, fast. Sometimes your needs come second. But there is nothing more satisfying, or gratifying, or special, than being important to somebody else. Especially when you can be absolutely who you are all of the time and be accepted just for being that.

A huge part of this process was accepting two things about myself. One, I’m strange. And that’s just okay. Two, I’m bi- and I’m positively obsessed with sexuality. And you can be both of these things and not a pervert. That whole “be who you are and not anyone else” mantra they teach you rings truer every year, but it can take a while to fall into yourself and figure out what that even means.

I suppose this isn’t the most thoughtful of posts, or even the most surprising, but I thought it was important regardless. Even just for myself. It is important to be there, to be present, to be involved, to care, and to try. And people are usually good if you give them a chance to be.

Oh, wait. The entire point of the post was to call out opportunist friends for being cunts. Be there always, be present, not just when it is readily convenient for you. Also: avoid the death trap of friendships fading when you’re in a relationship. Friendships are equally as important and can be maintained easily if you care enough to try.

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how to keep sane in an insane (blogging) world

I write about some fairly controversial issues sometimes, but more than that, I write about issues that people have true personal opinions on. How I feel about sex is purely how I feel about sex, even if you do agree with me. I don’t write to change your perspective, I write to broaden your perspective. Unfortunately, the nature of humanity is to feel a bit threatened when someone comes in and clashes with you. Your own personal morals and viewpoints might feel threatened. I’m sorry if I have ever made anyone feel this way.

What is even more interesting than this though is the fact that we tend to follow along with people who make us feel this way. I know that I personally follow many christian blogs, parenting blogs, weddings blogs, and even some severely republican blogs. I think this is because it is more interesting to read things that I disagree with than things I agree with. It’s nice to have those people around, but all you ever really do is bounce back the same ideas and have fun agreeing with each other. It’s empowering, and slightly egotistical.

I follow these blogs, and I have to watch myself. Because I’m in their world and all I want to do is reach into the internet and shake them back and forth. Have you read my blog? You should. Go read my blog. And read these books. And watch these documentaries. And do this and do that and I’m going to have everything you have to say and counter it with everything I have to say and seethe and wither in the background of your blog, hating life. 

Not the point.

Every morning I read the news on various different websites because I think it’s good to get perspective. In the same way that I think it’s good to read various different blogs. But if you can’t do so without accepting that their reality is different than you’re reality, you’re going to hate yourself. You’re going to boil in disrespect. Read and consider what they have to say and understand why they think that way, but know that you can’t change it by force.

“Just as no one can be forced into belief, so no one can be forced into unbelief”

Freud might have been jacked up on cocaine, but he’s got some got some good stuff here and there.

And so will the people you think you’re fighting against.

So take a step back and consider the blogs you read, and the bloggers who write them. If it’s too difficult to read their blogs without raging, don’t read them. If you can read them and learn something new from them and be able to step back and evaluate their perspective, good on you.

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bringing up bondage- communication 101

A friend pointed out that most of my question and answer posts can be left simply at “communicate with your partner.” Its true. Its the one thing that they don’t teach you in school. How to talk to your partner (romantic) / how to pick up a partner, and how to talk about sex and sexuality with that partner. If you’re lucky enough to have communication or sexuality courses in high school and/or college you may be able to pick up bits and pieces of knowledge and use deductive reasoning to figure out the rest. If you’re like many people who never get exposed to this kind of education, you might be left off a bit behind.

Communication is important. And while I can give advice on what you should talk about or when you should talk about it I realize that it only goes so far. I cannot give you direct orders. I don’t know your partner. I don’t know your relationship. Most of the hard work has to be done between the two of you.

But there are a lot of pointers that can work given the appropriate context so I figured that I would do a brief communication 101 on one issue that I’ve been asked about frequently.

How do I let my partner know that I’m interested in bondage without freaking them out?

While a fairly ‘vanilla’ activity, this kink can be the entryway into further kinkifying your relationship. If you are new to the world of toys and roleplay it can be a tricky subject to broach. There are some people that do not understand the purpose of bondage and why someone may want to do it. Simply saying “talk to your partner about it” but not be enough of a push.

As with any sexual desire it’s important to ask yourself what is behind the act itself that you enjoy. If you’re interested in bondage you may want to start small, with a pair of non-threatening plush cuffs. Your desire to be cuffed up may stem from the desire to lose yourself during sex. To let someone else have their complete control over you. To feel ravished, wanted, slightly helpless in the moment. Even still, your partner might not understand.

One possible explanation would be the explanation of control. Often times during sex there will be one person who is in control. This is the person who is on top, deciding which positions to be in, initiating the sex, and essentially being the dominant figure. Bondage takes this “role” one step further, by letting your partner truly have control over you. It is an act of trust, and the act of trusting someone to the point of having no ability to move can be a massive push to your emotional arousal.

You can demonstrate this by telling your partner to lay down and close their eyes. Tell your partner to put their hands above their head, behind their back, on the mattress, somewhere where they will keep them for the next few minutes. Then get on top of your partner and tease them. Do whatever it is that you want to do to them without any reciprocation. Explore, please, tease, touch, grab. Be sure that your partner knows that if some touch isn’t wanted, they can tell you to stop. Sometimes a ‘safe word’ aside from the word no is warranted. Then ask your partner what they felt as you were in control and they were “immobile.” Ask if they enjoyed any parts about it. This may give them some perspective into why it is that you want to use an actual restraint during sex.

If your partner is still unsure, suggest trying it once to see how it works. Talk about the boundaries and the safe word, and then put the cuffs to use. Let your partner experience truly being in control of you and see if that is a role that they enjoy. Not everyone does, and they may feel out of place. Particularly if they are used to your reciprocation in the play. If they enjoy it, continue the cuff play off and on when you have sex until the two of you are more comfortable with it. When the cuffs become routine and if the roles fit, you can broach the subject of adding other types of restraints or other types of dom/sub toys into the mix.

Not everyone is savvy to the psychological gains of letting oneself be dominated during sex, and it can take some genuine practice and patience to get to the point where it makes sense. Even then, not everyone enjoys it. This is why having the conversation prior to sex is most important.

I’ve talked about how to actually initiate the bondage play with a pair of cuffs, but how do you start the initial conversation?

This conversation and any other difficult sexual conversation is best discussed when each partner is calm and comfortable. Discuss this in an environment that is either neutral to the both of you or equally comfortable. Make sure that you won’t be interrupted. Don’t have the conversation immediately before, during, or after sex. Enter the conversation with the understanding that your partner may not know what your desires are, what they mean, or how to go about them. Answer any questions they might have about what you want to try, and offer up to the giving portion as well as the receiving portion of the fantasy if applicable. Ask your partner if there is anything that would interest them about this fantasy of yours and how they would see it playing out if you were to try it. If they are unwilling or uninterested, accept their response and let it go. You can feel free to bring it up at a later date but don’t push your partners decision if it is not something they are comfortable with. Not everyone is down for everything.

Lastly! Most of conversation is non-verbal. This does not mean don’t talk. It means that as you are talking, be aware of how your body is positioned. Do not turn away from your partner when talking. Do not cross your arms. Do not scowl. Talk in a calm, steady voice. Listen to your partner when they talk and fully process what they said before you speak. Do not plan what you want to say next as your partner is talking. If necessary, mirror what they’ve said back to them.


Partner: I am not interested in bondage because I don’t want to take advantage of you

You: You feel that if we were to play with bondage that you would be taking advantage of me

Partner: That’s correct

You: You would not be taking advantage of me, because this is something that I am actively interested in doing

Mirroring shows your partner that you have heard and understood their (valid) concerns and gives you the opportunity to continue the conversation in the right direction.

Good luck.

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Top 100 Sex Bloggers

Nominations for the top 100 sex bloggers are still open! Have a favorite sex blogger? Nominate them! It’s an awesome place to find new blogs to read, to meet new people, and to learn new things. People who nominate are entered to win some awesome prizes, like some gift cards and some sexy toys.

Nominate over at by clicking HERE!

You can check out the 2010 list for some reading material right now by going HERE! I was #32 on the list last year, an honor considering my blog was still only a year and a half (or so) old by that point.

On a similar note, I am always looking for new blogs to read. If you have a list of favorites or just one you think I should add to my feed, hit me up with a message or an email! I’d love it.

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the inevitable heartbreak

It was raining.

I held onto the handle of my umbrella, attempting not to be picked up by the next gust of wind.

I’m in pioneer square, Portland’s living room. An empty plaza in the middle of downtown lined with brick steps. A crater where people come to sit and talk and eat and take photos or attend concerts and other events. Now it simply acts as a giant drain for the water crushing down above my head.

I find relief in the mall just a block down, with warmth and coffee and giant glass ceiling to watch it from a safe distance.

I walk through the giant glass doors and shake myself off, quietly lusting over the dry hoodies and pants of the teens sitting on the bench in front of me. But they’re not just dry. They’re radiating. Like they’re lit up, on fire, some source of warmth. They’re sitting on the bench facing each other, legs off either end. They can’t be more than fifteen.

And they’re just looking at each other.

I suddenly realize that they’re in love. Hiding out here like me, but seemingly unaware of what is going on outside. Or around them. Or that I’ve been staring for much longer than is appropriate.

I’ve written about this before but I’ve hung onto it because I feel like it’s an important memory. Some building block in my own relationship experience. For the first time I looked back at my teenage years and saw the innocence. The inevitable heartbreak of growing up. And I wanted to push through the bubble they’d created and warn them. To tell them that they wouldn’t have each other forever. That they wouldn’t want that forever. That even if they did, they couldn’t have it. That whatever they felt right then in that moment might be the most powerful thing they ever felt because it was so new.

But I couldn’t.

And I looked back at my own relationships, thinking each of them to last forever. Wanting more than anything to hold onto what I felt for them. And not knowing, each time I began, that they would end. That the nights I held up close to their body wasn’t actually what my world revolved around, only a tiny piece of my life. A part to the puzzle. Them giving something of themselves to me and then sneaking out the back door.

I’ve wondered a lot lately about the stories that aren’t lived out. The series of lovers that never get the final bow in your life before the curtains close. The ones who have no grand exit, just a quick burst of a story. The what ifs.

And it’s not in a dwelling-over-the-past kind of a way but more of a meer fascination for the paths I missed. Or the bullets I dodged.

And I wonder how differently my life would be if I’d stayed with just one of them. If things had been just slightly different in one way or another and we’d never broken up. If I’d be the one with the kid, or the one who grew depressed, or the one that moved far away, or the one stuck exactly where I was in High School. I wonder about the enormity of the decisions I made along the way that led me here. Tons of small decisions, comments, movements, touches, sounds, all leading up to one giant life decision. You’re falling in love, and so is he. And then I was gone.

And without the experience from all of those teenage romances, young hands drooping to the side of my waist wet with tears, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea when to say go. I wouldn’t have the slightest idea when to say this is what I want. Because I would have nothing to base it off of. I’d have nothing to compare it to. Reaching blindly into the closet, grabbing what clothes I thought fit, not really sure how they’d match up to what really needed.

I guess what I’m saying is that each love that ends feels like a failure because it puts a giant roadblock in some path you were taking. And you’re drowning a bit at first because it’s like you’ve reached a dead end. You don’t know what to do. It’s terrifying. The scariest thing in the world. And regardless of what happens after that there are two things that are certain. You’ll learn from it, and you’ll find a way around it.

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her empty mug is lined with lipstick marks

There is something terrifying about facial hair. The way it wiggles as they gesticulate across the room, deep in some conversation about canned tuna or the raising price of motor oil. The man in front of me has a beard. The kind that connects with his large, caterpillar like mustache. It is the taint tickler, the sack scrubber, the brillo pad in most unfortunate places. Hair is a funny thing, the way people wear it.

Another guy sitting next to them has long silky black hair but absolutely no other hair on his face beside two small lines that, I think, were once eyebrows. He is wearing a brand new or meticulously washed grey hoodie with the white pull strings exactly the same length out. He is perched over his laptop looking at something boring, I presume, and looks like he’s about to start singing Nickleback songs.

A little girl keeps pressing her face up against the window outside and giggling at me. If I painted red on her cheeks and threw a clown nose on her I’d be sure I was tripping. She is not, though, she is wearing a pink rain coat with horses on it. The horses are laughing at me though and now I’m not too sure.

Everyone in here is logged onto google plus.

I can’t focus, the little girl is now sucking on the window.

Okay, she left.

Everyone here is logged onto google plus.

I’ve spent a few days without the internet now.

I’ve started to:

1. Word by word translate a French novel on bisexuality
2. Write a travel guide for a friend of mine
3. Remember to take my vitamins in the morning
4. Wake up at seven in the morning and run out of things to do by nine
5. Listen to music, actually. Listening.
6. Read books before the library sends me late notices.
7. Care about my friends and how their lives are.
8. Contemplate trying new things
9. Write more handwritten letters
10. Be a more thoughtful person (thinking before I speak)

I am at the cafe because my internet is still not back. I find I get everything I need to get done in ten minutes. I ask myself what I spend six hours a day on the internet doing. I can’t remember. I want the internet back so I can catch up with my shows, but part of me is scared. I can already hear myself saying.

Just a few more minutes.
I got an email.
I wonder who is online.
I’ve got nothing better to do.

We all lie to ourselves a little bit and it slowly eats away at us, from the inside, until one day we fall down and the shell breaks and we realize we’ve given all of ourselves away.

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Mr. Limpy

A long time ago I put Mr. Limpy on my wishlist. Mr. Limpy (a product of Fleshlight) is a flaccid packing dildo marketed for gender play. I just wanted one to put on my desk. Stress ball 2.0. My friend, knowing that I would never actually buy one for myself, picked me up a packing cock at the super-awesome local store Shebop. Despite the fact that it’s not an actual “Mr. Limpy” the name had already stuck, and so I call him Mr. Limpy. It’s suiting.

Of course once someone who fantasizes about having a penis (regardless for how long, or how seriously) finally has a flaccid packing cock in her hands, you can’t just play with it innocently. The public was in outrage.

So, I was quickly pantsed and had a cold rubber cock shoved into my underwear. Ahem.

Let’s just say if anyone ever asks me “What does it feel like to have a penis?”… well, I still have no idea, but this is definitely as close as I’ll ever get. The first thing I did was stick my hands onto my pants and adjusted my sack.

Mr. Limpy will likely be doomed to the shiny surface of my desk for all of time, but I quite like him there.

Yep, I’m weird.

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The Guide to Pegging

I was going to call this “The Ultimate Guide to Getting Your Male Partner To Consider Anal Play” but it seemed like too long of a subject title. Instead I decided to go with the name popularized by Savage Love for a woman fucking her man in the ass.

I decided to write this because of the wide spread popularity of articles targeted at the male audience to get their female counterparts to participate in anal play. There seems to be a spotlight on this particular orientation of things, which falsely leads us to believe that women do not want to fuck their men in the ass.

From my perspective it’s simply because most people haven’t considered it. How many times in your life does someone ask you “Hey, have you ever wanted to have a penis to fuck your man with?” I mean, One- men are characteristically more hesitant to anal play (we’ll get to that later) and Two- Most who consider themselves women do not have penises and therefore do not consider themselves capable of penetrating their male partner. Unless you are particularly sexually imaginative you may not twist and turn these gender norms like others would.

I believe part of the popularity of pegging may have stemmed from the new openness surrounding anal sex as well as the boom in sex toys. I can’t say whether or not more couples are participating in anal sex and other forms of anal play, or if they are just more openly discussed. Regardless, it’s there, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable to readily admit that you like something up your ass. And not in the “foot up your-” kind of way. As for toys, there are more and more options like double penetration toys or strap-ons that (while perhaps marketed towards FF couples) shine a particular light on a woman with a vagina suddenly having a dick. I know I am not in the minority when I say I have often wondered what it would be like to have one, and even though I am not a lesbian I was quick to throw all sorts of strap-ons to my wishlist. A few weeks later it hit me, maybe I can use them.


One unfortunate point to get past (which some may find the most difficult, and … impenetrable) is the idea that enjoying anal sex or anal play of any sort makes you gay. I have some sympathy with this point. If you can believe that enjoying a particular sexual act makes you gay, you are so far withdrawn from the realities of sex and sexuality that you can hardly be blamed. I have to realize that I am in the minority as far as courses and education and studying goes on gender issues. There is still a huge population of people who don’t know the difference between gender, or sex, or sexuality, or orientation, or trans or bi or les or queer or… and while this can be aggravating for those who put so much soul into the equality of all sorts of people I have to accept that some people are going to look at anal sex and think “gay” because that’s how gay has been made public for so long. I look at it from this perspective: being gay is something that exists in your mind, it is an orientation. Not everyone who is gay likes or participates in anal sex. Liking anal sex/play means that you’ve had nerve endings stimulated and you then experience pleasure. This doesn’t mean that everyone will enjoy anal sex but I do think it means that we have the ability to, and that doesn’t make us gay. It makes us pretty lucky.

Attached to that, and somewhat of a biproduct of that, is the idea that you are less masculine if you are put into that position. That you are “less of a man” because you are playing a female-typed role. All I can say about that is… if you’re going to think like that, you’re missing out on a lot of things in life. Men and women’s roles are constantly weaving into one another. Men certainly never play stay at home dad, they never have jewelry, they’re never sensitive. That would be absurd!  Sarcasm intact, what we perceive as things “women do” and “men do” are all created by us and can be broken by us. It is only when we get into sex that these things become even more of an issue. A woman can certainly grab a dildo and fuck her boyfriend in the ass if she and he so please to do so.

It is true, though, that there may be a bit of submission involved. The same sort of submission a woman might feel when bent over and taken from behind. There is an air of it there, and with the newness and taboo-ness of taking a man from behind it might be even more submissive of a move to make. If your partner likes to be submissive it may be an easier subject to broach.

Introduction (and more problems)

You can’t expect to be laying in bed fooling around and then pull out a big dildo with a strap and ask your partner to bend over. That’s no way to begin any conversation. Conversation (pre-meditated) is the most important thing in bringing up new activities in the bedroom. And sometimes you must converse often, throughout different times of the day, week, month, year. Patience is your greatest ally. So is knowing when you need to stop conversing. And recognizing when ‘asking’ becomes pleading and nagging. Some people just aren’t interested, and if your partner is one of those, the rest of this post might not be for you. As much as I’d love to say “those fools, denying the greatest pleasure known to man” it’s impossible to say that everyone will appreciate (or even find pleasure in) anal sex.

The introduction into anal play may be easier if you and your partner already have a rapport in speaking about one another’s fantasies. Is it something you have mentioned before? Have you mentioned other things you’re interested in doing? Has he? Are you fairly sexually explorative? Speaking about fantasies often may allow more openness in your relationship as you two become more comfortable admitting things you may not have wanted to admit earlier on. I remember lying about some of the things that I was interested in trying in the past just because I didn’t particularly feel like being judged at that moment in time. It happens.

If your partner is hesitant to the idea, cover their problems with it first. If you’re lucky and pass straight past gender-typing and ‘the gay’ issue there are still a lot of other things men (and women) can be nervous about pertaining to anal sex or anal play.

It’s gross, dirty, taboo, “why would I?”, I hear it hurts, I’d rather not, I’d never thought about it and I don’t want to now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to try that yet/now, I tried it once and it did hurt so I’m not trying it again…

These are all subjects for another post, but in summary: yes it can be dirty, proper preparation can help keep things as clean as possible. Also- what part of sex is clean to begin with? Fewer people have problems with sucking dick, but in retrospect… Oh, and taboo. Right. This makes it twice as exciting, give in a little. Why would you? Why wouldn’t you? I hear it hurts too, so let’s try not to make it hurt. We’ll go slow, we’ll use lube, and we’ll make you feel good. If you hadn’t thought about it before, think about it now. And if it hurt once, it might not hurt the second time. What went wrong, if anything, that made it uncomfortable?

Anal Play

For beginning with anal play the rules are the same whether you’re male or female. Start slow, and work your way up. Fingering is the best way to start because you (the giver) have the ability to feel the muscles relax and tell you when/if to continue penetrating. It will also allow you (the receiver) to become accustomed to having something in your ass. Remember that anal play does not mean “only look at someones ass for an entire night” and this line of thinking may provide a boring and less-than-attractive experience. While anal play can feel good all on it’s own, it’s extremely helpful to double team it up with some other sort of stimulation. For men- start with the usual. A handjob, a blowjob, maybe even sex. Then slowly start to work your way downwards. As you start fingering the ass, don’t let up with stimulating the head/shaft/balls. If possible, go for a blowjob/handjob while you finger with the other hand. If you want to focus completely on him, let him masturbate while you finger. The added stimulation will assure that he’s still aroused, feeling good, and make it easier for him to relax his muscles while hopefully preventing tension. Oh, and please don’t forget lube. Lube, lube. LUBE.

A movie I highly recommend watching is “The Expert’s Guide To Anal Sex” by Tristan Taormino. This video goes more in depth on the anatomy of the anus and how the sphincter muscles work in unison. It will explain how to achieve pleasurable anal sex, or penetration at all. It will also talk about nerve endings and why anal sex feels good. For sake of length, I’ve decided not to go more in depth on anal sex in and of itself.

A note to men:

If you have ever considered having anal sex with a woman (or ever have had anal sex with a woman) I encourage you to take a moment and consider the idea for yourself. There is a reason there are now so many prostate stimulating toys out there for men. Stimulating the prostate can lead to similar feelings (and orgasms) as stimulating the g-spot in women. You can experience greater and longer orgasms, as well as greater sensations during sex. If that isn’t reason enough to give it a shot, I’m not sure what is. It is possible that you may have a bad experience, as many do, and it’s possible you may not. It’s also possible you may not be able or willing to have anal sex for a long period of time. Starting with any kind of anal play besides anal sex may be just as rewarding and fulfilling for you and your partner. Regardless of whether or not you are interested, please listen to your partners fantasies with an open mind, as you would hope they’d do for you.

If there is anything more you want to know submit at the top!

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