Top 100 Sex Bloggers

Nominations for the top 100 sex bloggers are still open! Have a favorite sex blogger? Nominate them! It’s an awesome place to find new blogs to read, to meet new people, and to learn new things. People who nominate are entered to win some awesome prizes, like some gift cards and some sexy toys.

Nominate over at betweenmysheets.com by clicking HERE!

You can check out the 2010 list for some reading material right now by going HERE! I was #32 on the list last year, an honor considering my blog was still only a year and a half (or so) old by that point.

On a similar note, I am always looking for new blogs to read. If you have a list of favorites or just one you think I should add to my feed, hit me up with a message or an email! I’d love it.

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the inevitable heartbreak

It was raining.

I held onto the handle of my umbrella, attempting not to be picked up by the next gust of wind.

I’m in pioneer square, Portland’s living room. An empty plaza in the middle of downtown lined with brick steps. A crater where people come to sit and talk and eat and take photos or attend concerts and other events. Now it simply acts as a giant drain for the water crushing down above my head.

I find relief in the mall just a block down, with warmth and coffee and giant glass ceiling to watch it from a safe distance.

I walk through the giant glass doors and shake myself off, quietly lusting over the dry hoodies and pants of the teens sitting on the bench in front of me. But they’re not just dry. They’re radiating. Like they’re lit up, on fire, some source of warmth. They’re sitting on the bench facing each other, legs off either end. They can’t be more than fifteen.

And they’re just looking at each other.

I suddenly realize that they’re in love. Hiding out here like me, but seemingly unaware of what is going on outside. Or around them. Or that I’ve been staring for much longer than is appropriate.

I’ve written about this before but I’ve hung onto it because I feel like it’s an important memory. Some building block in my own relationship experience. For the first time I looked back at my teenage years and saw the innocence. The inevitable heartbreak of growing up. And I wanted to push through the bubble they’d created and warn them. To tell them that they wouldn’t have each other forever. That they wouldn’t want that forever. That even if they did, they couldn’t have it. That whatever they felt right then in that moment might be the most powerful thing they ever felt because it was so new.

But I couldn’t.

And I looked back at my own relationships, thinking each of them to last forever. Wanting more than anything to hold onto what I felt for them. And not knowing, each time I began, that they would end. That the nights I held up close to their body wasn’t actually what my world revolved around, only a tiny piece of my life. A part to the puzzle. Them giving something of themselves to me and then sneaking out the back door.

I’ve wondered a lot lately about the stories that aren’t lived out. The series of lovers that never get the final bow in your life before the curtains close. The ones who have no grand exit, just a quick burst of a story. The what ifs.

And it’s not in a dwelling-over-the-past kind of a way but more of a meer fascination for the paths I missed. Or the bullets I dodged.

And I wonder how differently my life would be if I’d stayed with just one of them. If things had been just slightly different in one way or another and we’d never broken up. If I’d be the one with the kid, or the one who grew depressed, or the one that moved far away, or the one stuck exactly where I was in High School. I wonder about the enormity of the decisions I made along the way that led me here. Tons of small decisions, comments, movements, touches, sounds, all leading up to one giant life decision. You’re falling in love, and so is he. And then I was gone.

And without the experience from all of those teenage romances, young hands drooping to the side of my waist wet with tears, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea when to say go. I wouldn’t have the slightest idea when to say this is what I want. Because I would have nothing to base it off of. I’d have nothing to compare it to. Reaching blindly into the closet, grabbing what clothes I thought fit, not really sure how they’d match up to what really needed.

I guess what I’m saying is that each love that ends feels like a failure because it puts a giant roadblock in some path you were taking. And you’re drowning a bit at first because it’s like you’ve reached a dead end. You don’t know what to do. It’s terrifying. The scariest thing in the world. And regardless of what happens after that there are two things that are certain. You’ll learn from it, and you’ll find a way around it.

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her empty mug is lined with lipstick marks

There is something terrifying about facial hair. The way it wiggles as they gesticulate across the room, deep in some conversation about canned tuna or the raising price of motor oil. The man in front of me has a beard. The kind that connects with his large, caterpillar like mustache. It is the taint tickler, the sack scrubber, the brillo pad in most unfortunate places. Hair is a funny thing, the way people wear it.

Another guy sitting next to them has long silky black hair but absolutely no other hair on his face beside two small lines that, I think, were once eyebrows. He is wearing a brand new or meticulously washed grey hoodie with the white pull strings exactly the same length out. He is perched over his laptop looking at something boring, I presume, and looks like he’s about to start singing Nickleback songs.

A little girl keeps pressing her face up against the window outside and giggling at me. If I painted red on her cheeks and threw a clown nose on her I’d be sure I was tripping. She is not, though, she is wearing a pink rain coat with horses on it. The horses are laughing at me though and now I’m not too sure.

Everyone in here is logged onto google plus.

I can’t focus, the little girl is now sucking on the window.

Okay, she left.

Everyone here is logged onto google plus.

I’ve spent a few days without the internet now.

I’ve started to:

1. Word by word translate a French novel on bisexuality
2. Write a travel guide for a friend of mine
3. Remember to take my vitamins in the morning
4. Wake up at seven in the morning and run out of things to do by nine
5. Listen to music, actually. Listening.
6. Read books before the library sends me late notices.
7. Care about my friends and how their lives are.
8. Contemplate trying new things
9. Write more handwritten letters
10. Be a more thoughtful person (thinking before I speak)

I am at the cafe because my internet is still not back. I find I get everything I need to get done in ten minutes. I ask myself what I spend six hours a day on the internet doing. I can’t remember. I want the internet back so I can catch up with my shows, but part of me is scared. I can already hear myself saying.

Just a few more minutes.
I got an email.
I wonder who is online.
I’ve got nothing better to do.

We all lie to ourselves a little bit and it slowly eats away at us, from the inside, until one day we fall down and the shell breaks and we realize we’ve given all of ourselves away.

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Mr. Limpy

A long time ago I put Mr. Limpy on my wishlist. Mr. Limpy (a product of Fleshlight) is a flaccid packing dildo marketed for gender play. I just wanted one to put on my desk. Stress ball 2.0. My friend, knowing that I would never actually buy one for myself, picked me up a packing cock at the super-awesome local store Shebop. Despite the fact that it’s not an actual “Mr. Limpy” the name had already stuck, and so I call him Mr. Limpy. It’s suiting.

Of course once someone who fantasizes about having a penis (regardless for how long, or how seriously) finally has a flaccid packing cock in her hands, you can’t just play with it innocently. The public was in outrage.

So, I was quickly pantsed and had a cold rubber cock shoved into my underwear. Ahem.

Let’s just say if anyone ever asks me “What does it feel like to have a penis?”… well, I still have no idea, but this is definitely as close as I’ll ever get. The first thing I did was stick my hands onto my pants and adjusted my sack.

Mr. Limpy will likely be doomed to the shiny surface of my desk for all of time, but I quite like him there.

Yep, I’m weird.

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The Guide to Pegging

I was going to call this “The Ultimate Guide to Getting Your Male Partner To Consider Anal Play” but it seemed like too long of a subject title. Instead I decided to go with the name popularized by Savage Love for a woman fucking her man in the ass.

I decided to write this because of the wide spread popularity of articles targeted at the male audience to get their female counterparts to participate in anal play. There seems to be a spotlight on this particular orientation of things, which falsely leads us to believe that women do not want to fuck their men in the ass.

From my perspective it’s simply because most people haven’t considered it. How many times in your life does someone ask you “Hey, have you ever wanted to have a penis to fuck your man with?” I mean, One- men are characteristically more hesitant to anal play (we’ll get to that later) and Two- Most who consider themselves women do not have penises and therefore do not consider themselves capable of penetrating their male partner. Unless you are particularly sexually imaginative you may not twist and turn these gender norms like others would.

I believe part of the popularity of pegging may have stemmed from the new openness surrounding anal sex as well as the boom in sex toys. I can’t say whether or not more couples are participating in anal sex and other forms of anal play, or if they are just more openly discussed. Regardless, it’s there, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable to readily admit that you like something up your ass. And not in the “foot up your-” kind of way. As for toys, there are more and more options like double penetration toys or strap-ons that (while perhaps marketed towards FF couples) shine a particular light on a woman with a vagina suddenly having a dick. I know I am not in the minority when I say I have often wondered what it would be like to have one, and even though I am not a lesbian I was quick to throw all sorts of strap-ons to my wishlist. A few weeks later it hit me, maybe I can use them.

Problems

One unfortunate point to get past (which some may find the most difficult, and … impenetrable) is the idea that enjoying anal sex or anal play of any sort makes you gay. I have some sympathy with this point. If you can believe that enjoying a particular sexual act makes you gay, you are so far withdrawn from the realities of sex and sexuality that you can hardly be blamed. I have to realize that I am in the minority as far as courses and education and studying goes on gender issues. There is still a huge population of people who don’t know the difference between gender, or sex, or sexuality, or orientation, or trans or bi or les or queer or… and while this can be aggravating for those who put so much soul into the equality of all sorts of people I have to accept that some people are going to look at anal sex and think “gay” because that’s how gay has been made public for so long. I look at it from this perspective: being gay is something that exists in your mind, it is an orientation. Not everyone who is gay likes or participates in anal sex. Liking anal sex/play means that you’ve had nerve endings stimulated and you then experience pleasure. This doesn’t mean that everyone will enjoy anal sex but I do think it means that we have the ability to, and that doesn’t make us gay. It makes us pretty lucky.

Attached to that, and somewhat of a biproduct of that, is the idea that you are less masculine if you are put into that position. That you are “less of a man” because you are playing a female-typed role. All I can say about that is… if you’re going to think like that, you’re missing out on a lot of things in life. Men and women’s roles are constantly weaving into one another. Men certainly never play stay at home dad, they never have jewelry, they’re never sensitive. That would be absurd!  Sarcasm intact, what we perceive as things “women do” and “men do” are all created by us and can be broken by us. It is only when we get into sex that these things become even more of an issue. A woman can certainly grab a dildo and fuck her boyfriend in the ass if she and he so please to do so.

It is true, though, that there may be a bit of submission involved. The same sort of submission a woman might feel when bent over and taken from behind. There is an air of it there, and with the newness and taboo-ness of taking a man from behind it might be even more submissive of a move to make. If your partner likes to be submissive it may be an easier subject to broach.

Introduction (and more problems)

You can’t expect to be laying in bed fooling around and then pull out a big dildo with a strap and ask your partner to bend over. That’s no way to begin any conversation. Conversation (pre-meditated) is the most important thing in bringing up new activities in the bedroom. And sometimes you must converse often, throughout different times of the day, week, month, year. Patience is your greatest ally. So is knowing when you need to stop conversing. And recognizing when ‘asking’ becomes pleading and nagging. Some people just aren’t interested, and if your partner is one of those, the rest of this post might not be for you. As much as I’d love to say “those fools, denying the greatest pleasure known to man” it’s impossible to say that everyone will appreciate (or even find pleasure in) anal sex.

The introduction into anal play may be easier if you and your partner already have a rapport in speaking about one another’s fantasies. Is it something you have mentioned before? Have you mentioned other things you’re interested in doing? Has he? Are you fairly sexually explorative? Speaking about fantasies often may allow more openness in your relationship as you two become more comfortable admitting things you may not have wanted to admit earlier on. I remember lying about some of the things that I was interested in trying in the past just because I didn’t particularly feel like being judged at that moment in time. It happens.

If your partner is hesitant to the idea, cover their problems with it first. If you’re lucky and pass straight past gender-typing and ‘the gay’ issue there are still a lot of other things men (and women) can be nervous about pertaining to anal sex or anal play.

It’s gross, dirty, taboo, “why would I?”, I hear it hurts, I’d rather not, I’d never thought about it and I don’t want to now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to try that yet/now, I tried it once and it did hurt so I’m not trying it again…

These are all subjects for another post, but in summary: yes it can be dirty, proper preparation can help keep things as clean as possible. Also- what part of sex is clean to begin with? Fewer people have problems with sucking dick, but in retrospect… Oh, and taboo. Right. This makes it twice as exciting, give in a little. Why would you? Why wouldn’t you? I hear it hurts too, so let’s try not to make it hurt. We’ll go slow, we’ll use lube, and we’ll make you feel good. If you hadn’t thought about it before, think about it now. And if it hurt once, it might not hurt the second time. What went wrong, if anything, that made it uncomfortable?

Anal Play

For beginning with anal play the rules are the same whether you’re male or female. Start slow, and work your way up. Fingering is the best way to start because you (the giver) have the ability to feel the muscles relax and tell you when/if to continue penetrating. It will also allow you (the receiver) to become accustomed to having something in your ass. Remember that anal play does not mean “only look at someones ass for an entire night” and this line of thinking may provide a boring and less-than-attractive experience. While anal play can feel good all on it’s own, it’s extremely helpful to double team it up with some other sort of stimulation. For men- start with the usual. A handjob, a blowjob, maybe even sex. Then slowly start to work your way downwards. As you start fingering the ass, don’t let up with stimulating the head/shaft/balls. If possible, go for a blowjob/handjob while you finger with the other hand. If you want to focus completely on him, let him masturbate while you finger. The added stimulation will assure that he’s still aroused, feeling good, and make it easier for him to relax his muscles while hopefully preventing tension. Oh, and please don’t forget lube. Lube, lube. LUBE.

A movie I highly recommend watching is “The Expert’s Guide To Anal Sex” by Tristan Taormino. This video goes more in depth on the anatomy of the anus and how the sphincter muscles work in unison. It will explain how to achieve pleasurable anal sex, or penetration at all. It will also talk about nerve endings and why anal sex feels good. For sake of length, I’ve decided not to go more in depth on anal sex in and of itself.

A note to men:

If you have ever considered having anal sex with a woman (or ever have had anal sex with a woman) I encourage you to take a moment and consider the idea for yourself. There is a reason there are now so many prostate stimulating toys out there for men. Stimulating the prostate can lead to similar feelings (and orgasms) as stimulating the g-spot in women. You can experience greater and longer orgasms, as well as greater sensations during sex. If that isn’t reason enough to give it a shot, I’m not sure what is. It is possible that you may have a bad experience, as many do, and it’s possible you may not. It’s also possible you may not be able or willing to have anal sex for a long period of time. Starting with any kind of anal play besides anal sex may be just as rewarding and fulfilling for you and your partner. Regardless of whether or not you are interested, please listen to your partners fantasies with an open mind, as you would hope they’d do for you.

If there is anything more you want to know submit at the top!

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Can coffee decrease your libido?

Someone asked me if coffee can decrease your libido. Instead of searching specifically for coffee I did some searching around for caffeine and its affects on the libido (sex drive) to see if there has been any research. I’ve done some searches before because I’ve been drinking excess amounts of caffeine for the majority of my life. In High School it was a couple cans of Mountain Dew every day, and now it’s several cups of coffee per day. What affect is that having on my sex drive? That’s what I really care about, right?

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like there has been any real useful research done on the subject. In 2006 they did a study on rats and found that coffee could have some effect on arousal, but that you may only see a similar effect in humans who don’t habitually drink coffee… and only if they drank about 10 cups. For someone who isn’t a regular coffee drinker, ten cups is a lot.

Caffeine does constrict blood vessels so on that line of thinking I could hypothesize that perhaps it takes a bit longer for the blood to get flowing in the right places. If you get really hyped up on coffee it could also create some attention problems making it hard for you to focus on getting off. It might also make your breath smell bad, making you feel self-conscious about macking on your partner. I am pulling things out of my ass. I’m not a scientist. And I have no idea. I drink plenty of coffee. A good cup could probably get me off. I skew the data.

If anyone can find any reputable articles/papers/books that talk about caffeine and it’s affects on the human libido send them my way, I’d love to check it out.

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the robber with the flaccid dick

I’m one of those people who is constantly making up alternate story-lines to my own life in my head all while reality happens alongside me. I am constantly playing Choose Your Own Adventure, though I’m not sure if this is because I am constantly bored with my own life or if I just have so much brain capacity that it requires that much overworking just to get along. I will play along with the egotistics and choose number two.

So I’m in the shower and I remember that I forgot to lock the door. I always lock the door when I get into the shower because when I was living with my parents and left the door unlocked when they weren’t home they would freak out that someone was going to come into the house when I was in the shower and steal things. My mom also thought that when her chocolate stash went missing someone (but no, not my dad, never) snuck into the house for the purpose of stealing her candy.

Go figure.

So I forgot to lock the door and I’m thinking back to all those lectures about robbers and rapists and the bad people in the world and I wonder what would happen if someone did come into the house while I was in the shower. Numerous possibilities run through my head.

Scene one

Robber enters apartment. Lorelei thinks she hears something but continues to shave her underarms while humming to the bagel bite theme song. She then hears the doorknob on the bathroom door start to turn.

I know you are a robber, I have a gun in the shower.

She then rethinks. A gun would not survive the amount of steam that has accumulated.

I have a rather sharp Gillette razor that I will cut you with hard if you come in here.

Scene two

I am a robber and I don’t care that you have a razor, I am going to steal all of your things so stay in the shower.

Lorelei stumbles. Attempts humanizing.

My name is Lorelei and I am so broke and if you steal all of my things I won’t be able to feed my three sons who are all next door with their babysitter. Also I have leukemia.

Robber doesn’t care. Says he’s stealing her laptop. Lorelei attempts to negotiate.

Okay, you know what. Fine, you take my laptop. That stupid piece of shit doesn’t work. Let me just take all of my school work off it first, okay? I’m a struggling college student and I have a huge paper I wrote on there. It will only take me a minute to transfer all of my stuff off it and then you can take whatever you want.

Lorelei is satisfied with her negotiation. She can buy a new computer and has successfully saved all of her photos, porn, and music. The robber doesn’t give a shit about her anthro paper and lets her transfer everything off while he empties her CDS into a big bag. Why anyone still steals CDS she isn’t sure, but she doesn’t have to start shit.

I hope you had a successful robbery today.

The robber isn’t satisfied. He starts to take off his pants.

Scene three

Rape? Seriously? Fuck this shit.

The plot thickens. Lorelei remember that most rapists feed off of power.

I’m totally into robbers though. Give me your little robber dick.

The robber is suddenly unaroused. He fumbles trying to zip his pants back up and accidentally zips his flaccid junk. While he doubles over in excruciating pain, Lorelei steals his only weapon and starts to call the police. The robber leaves with nothing.

I am satisfied with how the plot has gone through in my head and finish my shower, lather, rinse, repeat, and get out. Next time I think I will gouge his eyeballs out before we get to the data transferring.

And this is why I never run out of things to blog about.

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sex at dawn

A while ago I got my hands on Sex at Dawn and I devoured it like a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Page flipping and note taking and serious contemplation on everything I’d been taught for the past 21 years. I had thought my head might be in agony from all that thinking and had prepared myself a care package of tea and crackers, but, pushed aside, I found myself only nodding at everything I read. As the tea grew cold I continued to read and realized that not only did I agree with near everything said but it was as though this stranger had reached inside of my head and pulled out emotions I had yet to figure out how to describe.

So I finished the book and I started to think to myself about how this was going to affect my life. The core message I got from the book was that monogamy is not natural and we don’t have to feel bad about that. Tonight Christopher Ryan said he thought one of the main ideas was that even though the entire book is really about sex, the point is that sex really isn’t that big of a deal at all. I agree.

Now I’m not even slightly knowledgeable with monkeys and I have to admit at parts of the book I wished there was less monkey and more “But why do I feel this way? How can I use this?” Which isn’t something he can teach me, or anyone else can teach me. I knew that going into it, but for some reason it was still aggravating. It’s something I have to learn on my own. I feel lucky in that I have had my horizon broadened exponentially with the reading I have tackled in the past two years but I also, at the same time, feel so terribly sad for everyone else.

I see my friends asking themselves these same questions. Why? How? Help! And I realize that I can’t help them either. The best I can do is deliver them a stack of books, highlighted chapters, notes in the borders. “Read this and you’ll understand.” And they’ll come to some conclusion and whatever it is they’ll have more options than they did before.

So my notes are scribbled and one worded and are fairly nonsensical so I won’t really get into that. Even my notes seem to be just for myself. There are a few (small) points I wanted to mention though just for my readers.

There was some talk tonight about jealousy and whether or not that is natural (yes) and how that reflected on the idea of non-monogamy being natural. The answer is really that jealousy is a product of fear and insecurity (both natural, as well) and as the last chapter in the book describes… you might just have to trust what you don’t know or understand.

I am at a constant struggle with myself over this and I have found that the times I’ve just let life slide are the times which I have been most happy and at ease. When something in life happens where I should find myself jealous or uneasy or even a little scared I have to ask myself why. Why am I feeling this way? Is it rational? And I have to conclude that if my relationship (romantic or otherwise) were really so weak and flimsy that it could be torn apart in the middle of Starbucks or walking down the street that it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with. That’s where I started getting into this, that’s where my thoughts began.

Society will tell me what you need to watch your man because he’ll stray or you have to keep him happy and you need to do all of these things for him but I think that’s a bit of bullshit. You should have a mutually beneficial partnership with someone but you should by no means be a slave to them and the commitment you have to them.

I very much enjoyed the concept of the person as a “universe” and completely on their own. That’s something I’ve stumbled with in giving advice in the past. People want to know what to do and they want to know what you would do and they want answers to their problems. The best anyone can really do is explain what they say from their perspective and then direct that scenario back to the person having troubles. The answer is within you, somewhere, it just seems like people are unequipped with the tools to find these answers.

In my opinion, this book is one of those tools.

You read it and you realize that perhaps what everyone else does isn’t normal and you don’t have to do it just because they are.

It’s not to say that breaking the boundaries of societal norms is easy, but as the book says you should confront these things together. Communicate with your partner/s and open up that dialogue to what you really want in a relationship and how you can get there together. Essentially, there is no wrong answer… and there is no right answer… as long as it works for those involved.

Thanks to Shannon for the book and the excellent writing team behind it. I look forward to a potential part two.

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I love you (let’s break up)

One thing that has always fascinated me is the cruelty of love and relationships. Falling in love is essentially like becoming an addict, falling out of love is like having the thing you cared about most in the world die. Somewhere in between, you realize that love isn’t black and white. It’s a painful lesson and with complete certainty one you have to learn on your own. No one can tell you your love isn’t lasting, you’ve got to figure that out on your own. In my own trek through the romantic wilderness I’ve met so many people in loving relationships who just weren’t completely satisfied. In other words, the “I love you- but I want to see other people” phenomenon. I’m convinced at this point that most people experience this at least once in life, somewhere between the ages of 16-25. You fall madly in love with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Ignorance, or maybe you’re ahead of the curve, but you find that despite their utter perfection you justaren’t ready yet.

So what the fuck?

This was always one of the most difficult questions for me to answer, and it still is. You love someone, you should be with them. But the second you can admit to yourself that you aren’t done dating/fucking/flirting/exploring is the second that you have to admit to yourself that your relationship has an expiration date. Whether or not it shall be picked up later doesn’t matter. Staying with someone simply out of love seems reasonable, but it’s not how relationships work. A relationship requires two people who want to be together. If the rules of that relationship state you can see other people (note: open relationships) all the better. If they don’t, and you want to explore, you’re in for a shit storm of a downfall.

I love you, let’s break up.

But Lorelei, there will always be more people to date. New vaginas to fuck. New cocks to screw. When do you know when enough is enough, even if that urge is still there?

Honestly, no idea. And that’s the rough part. Each time you enter a relationship and subsequently fall in love you are tying yourself to another human being with the complete possibility that you’ll have to rip that connection apart. And that is the risk you take falling in love, dating, and putting yourself into a relationship. Is it going to last? Possibly. Do you want it to last? Possibly. Are you done dating? Wait and find out.

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