Mr. Limpy

A long time ago I put Mr. Limpy on my wishlist. Mr. Limpy (a product of Fleshlight) is a flaccid packing dildo marketed for gender play. I just wanted one to put on my desk. Stress ball 2.0. My friend, knowing that I would never actually buy one for myself, picked me up a packing cock at the super-awesome local store Shebop. Despite the fact that it’s not an actual “Mr. Limpy” the name had already stuck, and so I call him Mr. Limpy. It’s suiting.

Of course once someone who fantasizes about having a penis (regardless for how long, or how seriously) finally has a flaccid packing cock in her hands, you can’t just play with it innocently. The public was in outrage.

So, I was quickly pantsed and had a cold rubber cock shoved into my underwear. Ahem.

Let’s just say if anyone ever asks me “What does it feel like to have a penis?”… well, I still have no idea, but this is definitely as close as I’ll ever get. The first thing I did was stick my hands onto my pants and adjusted my sack.

Mr. Limpy will likely be doomed to the shiny surface of my desk for all of time, but I quite like him there.

Yep, I’m weird.

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The Guide to Pegging

I was going to call this “The Ultimate Guide to Getting Your Male Partner To Consider Anal Play” but it seemed like too long of a subject title. Instead I decided to go with the name popularized by Savage Love for a woman fucking her man in the ass.

I decided to write this because of the wide spread popularity of articles targeted at the male audience to get their female counterparts to participate in anal play. There seems to be a spotlight on this particular orientation of things, which falsely leads us to believe that women do not want to fuck their men in the ass.

From my perspective it’s simply because most people haven’t considered it. How many times in your life does someone ask you “Hey, have you ever wanted to have a penis to fuck your man with?” I mean, One- men are characteristically more hesitant to anal play (we’ll get to that later) and Two- Most who consider themselves women do not have penises and therefore do not consider themselves capable of penetrating their male partner. Unless you are particularly sexually imaginative you may not twist and turn these gender norms like others would.

I believe part of the popularity of pegging may have stemmed from the new openness surrounding anal sex as well as the boom in sex toys. I can’t say whether or not more couples are participating in anal sex and other forms of anal play, or if they are just more openly discussed. Regardless, it’s there, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable to readily admit that you like something up your ass. And not in the “foot up your-” kind of way. As for toys, there are more and more options like double penetration toys or strap-ons that (while perhaps marketed towards FF couples) shine a particular light on a woman with a vagina suddenly having a dick. I know I am not in the minority when I say I have often wondered what it would be like to have one, and even though I am not a lesbian I was quick to throw all sorts of strap-ons to my wishlist. A few weeks later it hit me, maybe I can use them.

Problems

One unfortunate point to get past (which some may find the most difficult, and … impenetrable) is the idea that enjoying anal sex or anal play of any sort makes you gay. I have some sympathy with this point. If you can believe that enjoying a particular sexual act makes you gay, you are so far withdrawn from the realities of sex and sexuality that you can hardly be blamed. I have to realize that I am in the minority as far as courses and education and studying goes on gender issues. There is still a huge population of people who don’t know the difference between gender, or sex, or sexuality, or orientation, or trans or bi or les or queer or… and while this can be aggravating for those who put so much soul into the equality of all sorts of people I have to accept that some people are going to look at anal sex and think “gay” because that’s how gay has been made public for so long. I look at it from this perspective: being gay is something that exists in your mind, it is an orientation. Not everyone who is gay likes or participates in anal sex. Liking anal sex/play means that you’ve had nerve endings stimulated and you then experience pleasure. This doesn’t mean that everyone will enjoy anal sex but I do think it means that we have the ability to, and that doesn’t make us gay. It makes us pretty lucky.

Attached to that, and somewhat of a biproduct of that, is the idea that you are less masculine if you are put into that position. That you are “less of a man” because you are playing a female-typed role. All I can say about that is… if you’re going to think like that, you’re missing out on a lot of things in life. Men and women’s roles are constantly weaving into one another. Men certainly never play stay at home dad, they never have jewelry, they’re never sensitive. That would be absurd!  Sarcasm intact, what we perceive as things “women do” and “men do” are all created by us and can be broken by us. It is only when we get into sex that these things become even more of an issue. A woman can certainly grab a dildo and fuck her boyfriend in the ass if she and he so please to do so.

It is true, though, that there may be a bit of submission involved. The same sort of submission a woman might feel when bent over and taken from behind. There is an air of it there, and with the newness and taboo-ness of taking a man from behind it might be even more submissive of a move to make. If your partner likes to be submissive it may be an easier subject to broach.

Introduction (and more problems)

You can’t expect to be laying in bed fooling around and then pull out a big dildo with a strap and ask your partner to bend over. That’s no way to begin any conversation. Conversation (pre-meditated) is the most important thing in bringing up new activities in the bedroom. And sometimes you must converse often, throughout different times of the day, week, month, year. Patience is your greatest ally. So is knowing when you need to stop conversing. And recognizing when ‘asking’ becomes pleading and nagging. Some people just aren’t interested, and if your partner is one of those, the rest of this post might not be for you. As much as I’d love to say “those fools, denying the greatest pleasure known to man” it’s impossible to say that everyone will appreciate (or even find pleasure in) anal sex.

The introduction into anal play may be easier if you and your partner already have a rapport in speaking about one another’s fantasies. Is it something you have mentioned before? Have you mentioned other things you’re interested in doing? Has he? Are you fairly sexually explorative? Speaking about fantasies often may allow more openness in your relationship as you two become more comfortable admitting things you may not have wanted to admit earlier on. I remember lying about some of the things that I was interested in trying in the past just because I didn’t particularly feel like being judged at that moment in time. It happens.

If your partner is hesitant to the idea, cover their problems with it first. If you’re lucky and pass straight past gender-typing and ‘the gay’ issue there are still a lot of other things men (and women) can be nervous about pertaining to anal sex or anal play.

It’s gross, dirty, taboo, “why would I?”, I hear it hurts, I’d rather not, I’d never thought about it and I don’t want to now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to try that yet/now, I tried it once and it did hurt so I’m not trying it again…

These are all subjects for another post, but in summary: yes it can be dirty, proper preparation can help keep things as clean as possible. Also- what part of sex is clean to begin with? Fewer people have problems with sucking dick, but in retrospect… Oh, and taboo. Right. This makes it twice as exciting, give in a little. Why would you? Why wouldn’t you? I hear it hurts too, so let’s try not to make it hurt. We’ll go slow, we’ll use lube, and we’ll make you feel good. If you hadn’t thought about it before, think about it now. And if it hurt once, it might not hurt the second time. What went wrong, if anything, that made it uncomfortable?

Anal Play

For beginning with anal play the rules are the same whether you’re male or female. Start slow, and work your way up. Fingering is the best way to start because you (the giver) have the ability to feel the muscles relax and tell you when/if to continue penetrating. It will also allow you (the receiver) to become accustomed to having something in your ass. Remember that anal play does not mean “only look at someones ass for an entire night” and this line of thinking may provide a boring and less-than-attractive experience. While anal play can feel good all on it’s own, it’s extremely helpful to double team it up with some other sort of stimulation. For men- start with the usual. A handjob, a blowjob, maybe even sex. Then slowly start to work your way downwards. As you start fingering the ass, don’t let up with stimulating the head/shaft/balls. If possible, go for a blowjob/handjob while you finger with the other hand. If you want to focus completely on him, let him masturbate while you finger. The added stimulation will assure that he’s still aroused, feeling good, and make it easier for him to relax his muscles while hopefully preventing tension. Oh, and please don’t forget lube. Lube, lube. LUBE.

A movie I highly recommend watching is “The Expert’s Guide To Anal Sex” by Tristan Taormino. This video goes more in depth on the anatomy of the anus and how the sphincter muscles work in unison. It will explain how to achieve pleasurable anal sex, or penetration at all. It will also talk about nerve endings and why anal sex feels good. For sake of length, I’ve decided not to go more in depth on anal sex in and of itself.

A note to men:

If you have ever considered having anal sex with a woman (or ever have had anal sex with a woman) I encourage you to take a moment and consider the idea for yourself. There is a reason there are now so many prostate stimulating toys out there for men. Stimulating the prostate can lead to similar feelings (and orgasms) as stimulating the g-spot in women. You can experience greater and longer orgasms, as well as greater sensations during sex. If that isn’t reason enough to give it a shot, I’m not sure what is. It is possible that you may have a bad experience, as many do, and it’s possible you may not. It’s also possible you may not be able or willing to have anal sex for a long period of time. Starting with any kind of anal play besides anal sex may be just as rewarding and fulfilling for you and your partner. Regardless of whether or not you are interested, please listen to your partners fantasies with an open mind, as you would hope they’d do for you.

If there is anything more you want to know submit at the top!

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Can coffee decrease your libido?

Someone asked me if coffee can decrease your libido. Instead of searching specifically for coffee I did some searching around for caffeine and its affects on the libido (sex drive) to see if there has been any research. I’ve done some searches before because I’ve been drinking excess amounts of caffeine for the majority of my life. In High School it was a couple cans of Mountain Dew every day, and now it’s several cups of coffee per day. What affect is that having on my sex drive? That’s what I really care about, right?

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like there has been any real useful research done on the subject. In 2006 they did a study on rats and found that coffee could have some effect on arousal, but that you may only see a similar effect in humans who don’t habitually drink coffee… and only if they drank about 10 cups. For someone who isn’t a regular coffee drinker, ten cups is a lot.

Caffeine does constrict blood vessels so on that line of thinking I could hypothesize that perhaps it takes a bit longer for the blood to get flowing in the right places. If you get really hyped up on coffee it could also create some attention problems making it hard for you to focus on getting off. It might also make your breath smell bad, making you feel self-conscious about macking on your partner. I am pulling things out of my ass. I’m not a scientist. And I have no idea. I drink plenty of coffee. A good cup could probably get me off. I skew the data.

If anyone can find any reputable articles/papers/books that talk about caffeine and it’s affects on the human libido send them my way, I’d love to check it out.

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the robber with the flaccid dick

I’m one of those people who is constantly making up alternate story-lines to my own life in my head all while reality happens alongside me. I am constantly playing Choose Your Own Adventure, though I’m not sure if this is because I am constantly bored with my own life or if I just have so much brain capacity that it requires that much overworking just to get along. I will play along with the egotistics and choose number two.

So I’m in the shower and I remember that I forgot to lock the door. I always lock the door when I get into the shower because when I was living with my parents and left the door unlocked when they weren’t home they would freak out that someone was going to come into the house when I was in the shower and steal things. My mom also thought that when her chocolate stash went missing someone (but no, not my dad, never) snuck into the house for the purpose of stealing her candy.

Go figure.

So I forgot to lock the door and I’m thinking back to all those lectures about robbers and rapists and the bad people in the world and I wonder what would happen if someone did come into the house while I was in the shower. Numerous possibilities run through my head.

Scene one

Robber enters apartment. Lorelei thinks she hears something but continues to shave her underarms while humming to the bagel bite theme song. She then hears the doorknob on the bathroom door start to turn.

I know you are a robber, I have a gun in the shower.

She then rethinks. A gun would not survive the amount of steam that has accumulated.

I have a rather sharp Gillette razor that I will cut you with hard if you come in here.

Scene two

I am a robber and I don’t care that you have a razor, I am going to steal all of your things so stay in the shower.

Lorelei stumbles. Attempts humanizing.

My name is Lorelei and I am so broke and if you steal all of my things I won’t be able to feed my three sons who are all next door with their babysitter. Also I have leukemia.

Robber doesn’t care. Says he’s stealing her laptop. Lorelei attempts to negotiate.

Okay, you know what. Fine, you take my laptop. That stupid piece of shit doesn’t work. Let me just take all of my school work off it first, okay? I’m a struggling college student and I have a huge paper I wrote on there. It will only take me a minute to transfer all of my stuff off it and then you can take whatever you want.

Lorelei is satisfied with her negotiation. She can buy a new computer and has successfully saved all of her photos, porn, and music. The robber doesn’t give a shit about her anthro paper and lets her transfer everything off while he empties her CDS into a big bag. Why anyone still steals CDS she isn’t sure, but she doesn’t have to start shit.

I hope you had a successful robbery today.

The robber isn’t satisfied. He starts to take off his pants.

Scene three

Rape? Seriously? Fuck this shit.

The plot thickens. Lorelei remember that most rapists feed off of power.

I’m totally into robbers though. Give me your little robber dick.

The robber is suddenly unaroused. He fumbles trying to zip his pants back up and accidentally zips his flaccid junk. While he doubles over in excruciating pain, Lorelei steals his only weapon and starts to call the police. The robber leaves with nothing.

I am satisfied with how the plot has gone through in my head and finish my shower, lather, rinse, repeat, and get out. Next time I think I will gouge his eyeballs out before we get to the data transferring.

And this is why I never run out of things to blog about.

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sex at dawn

A while ago I got my hands on Sex at Dawn and I devoured it like a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Page flipping and note taking and serious contemplation on everything I’d been taught for the past 21 years. I had thought my head might be in agony from all that thinking and had prepared myself a care package of tea and crackers, but, pushed aside, I found myself only nodding at everything I read. As the tea grew cold I continued to read and realized that not only did I agree with near everything said but it was as though this stranger had reached inside of my head and pulled out emotions I had yet to figure out how to describe.

So I finished the book and I started to think to myself about how this was going to affect my life. The core message I got from the book was that monogamy is not natural and we don’t have to feel bad about that. Tonight Christopher Ryan said he thought one of the main ideas was that even though the entire book is really about sex, the point is that sex really isn’t that big of a deal at all. I agree.

Now I’m not even slightly knowledgeable with monkeys and I have to admit at parts of the book I wished there was less monkey and more “But why do I feel this way? How can I use this?” Which isn’t something he can teach me, or anyone else can teach me. I knew that going into it, but for some reason it was still aggravating. It’s something I have to learn on my own. I feel lucky in that I have had my horizon broadened exponentially with the reading I have tackled in the past two years but I also, at the same time, feel so terribly sad for everyone else.

I see my friends asking themselves these same questions. Why? How? Help! And I realize that I can’t help them either. The best I can do is deliver them a stack of books, highlighted chapters, notes in the borders. “Read this and you’ll understand.” And they’ll come to some conclusion and whatever it is they’ll have more options than they did before.

So my notes are scribbled and one worded and are fairly nonsensical so I won’t really get into that. Even my notes seem to be just for myself. There are a few (small) points I wanted to mention though just for my readers.

There was some talk tonight about jealousy and whether or not that is natural (yes) and how that reflected on the idea of non-monogamy being natural. The answer is really that jealousy is a product of fear and insecurity (both natural, as well) and as the last chapter in the book describes… you might just have to trust what you don’t know or understand.

I am at a constant struggle with myself over this and I have found that the times I’ve just let life slide are the times which I have been most happy and at ease. When something in life happens where I should find myself jealous or uneasy or even a little scared I have to ask myself why. Why am I feeling this way? Is it rational? And I have to conclude that if my relationship (romantic or otherwise) were really so weak and flimsy that it could be torn apart in the middle of Starbucks or walking down the street that it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with. That’s where I started getting into this, that’s where my thoughts began.

Society will tell me what you need to watch your man because he’ll stray or you have to keep him happy and you need to do all of these things for him but I think that’s a bit of bullshit. You should have a mutually beneficial partnership with someone but you should by no means be a slave to them and the commitment you have to them.

I very much enjoyed the concept of the person as a “universe” and completely on their own. That’s something I’ve stumbled with in giving advice in the past. People want to know what to do and they want to know what you would do and they want answers to their problems. The best anyone can really do is explain what they say from their perspective and then direct that scenario back to the person having troubles. The answer is within you, somewhere, it just seems like people are unequipped with the tools to find these answers.

In my opinion, this book is one of those tools.

You read it and you realize that perhaps what everyone else does isn’t normal and you don’t have to do it just because they are.

It’s not to say that breaking the boundaries of societal norms is easy, but as the book says you should confront these things together. Communicate with your partner/s and open up that dialogue to what you really want in a relationship and how you can get there together. Essentially, there is no wrong answer… and there is no right answer… as long as it works for those involved.

Thanks to Shannon for the book and the excellent writing team behind it. I look forward to a potential part two.

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I love you (let’s break up)

One thing that has always fascinated me is the cruelty of love and relationships. Falling in love is essentially like becoming an addict, falling out of love is like having the thing you cared about most in the world die. Somewhere in between, you realize that love isn’t black and white. It’s a painful lesson and with complete certainty one you have to learn on your own. No one can tell you your love isn’t lasting, you’ve got to figure that out on your own. In my own trek through the romantic wilderness I’ve met so many people in loving relationships who just weren’t completely satisfied. In other words, the “I love you- but I want to see other people” phenomenon. I’m convinced at this point that most people experience this at least once in life, somewhere between the ages of 16-25. You fall madly in love with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Ignorance, or maybe you’re ahead of the curve, but you find that despite their utter perfection you justaren’t ready yet.

So what the fuck?

This was always one of the most difficult questions for me to answer, and it still is. You love someone, you should be with them. But the second you can admit to yourself that you aren’t done dating/fucking/flirting/exploring is the second that you have to admit to yourself that your relationship has an expiration date. Whether or not it shall be picked up later doesn’t matter. Staying with someone simply out of love seems reasonable, but it’s not how relationships work. A relationship requires two people who want to be together. If the rules of that relationship state you can see other people (note: open relationships) all the better. If they don’t, and you want to explore, you’re in for a shit storm of a downfall.

I love you, let’s break up.

But Lorelei, there will always be more people to date. New vaginas to fuck. New cocks to screw. When do you know when enough is enough, even if that urge is still there?

Honestly, no idea. And that’s the rough part. Each time you enter a relationship and subsequently fall in love you are tying yourself to another human being with the complete possibility that you’ll have to rip that connection apart. And that is the risk you take falling in love, dating, and putting yourself into a relationship. Is it going to last? Possibly. Do you want it to last? Possibly. Are you done dating? Wait and find out.

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A sexual revolution through revelation

I like to listen to my music as I walk to class pretending that the people around me are in a music video. As the beat hits I step off the sidewalk and begin my pace, like the tempo, I’m glad no one can hear the same music or they’d know I’m dancing. The old man across the street tapping his foot is the beat master and his cane pushes all sorts of buttons in the air as he turns around, presses walk button, snazzy. The girl with her Prada bag and high heels in garbage, looks so sad, think the song is about her. When I get to the train I sit and wait and lean back feeling so much cooler than I really am because of the sound in my head and the way my hips gyrate against the pole behind me. Just a small movement enough for me to feel and no one knows- I’m pole dancing to the hottest tracks.

Train comes, sit down, I am another person. I pull my book out and I put on my glasses and I have- what- posture. Hair from down to up and I highlight phrase, by phrase, by phrase, taking mental notes in my mind. The people around me shuffle their things beneath their feet and I wondered which one of them has sinned the most. Is it her who sits legs spread or he who looks suspiciously behind himself as though he’s being followed? Next to him, she wears leggings as pants and her bra is hot pink with lace. Is she going to take it all off tonight or does she just- think it’s cool?

I wish- since I was little- when I could write- I’d written down the things that happened. Someone asks, what is so cool about a new year? Every day begins a new year. 365. A number. Pointless in your mind. And yet looking back all these dates I must remember as I highlight over and over and over again. 1956. 1973. In the 1930s…

One day someone will sit beside me and ask me what happened in 2009.

I have to remember. What happened in 2009? Will the years of my life blend together like an electronic malfunction? The black and white lines of a broken television screen that when you hit it- can almost see- losing it again. I write. Starting now. These are the problems of the world that my children will see solved and my children’s children will laugh about as though we knew nothing. And I will say I remember, I helped, I was there. And they will know that I was a part of something because I will be able to tell them, in full, this is what it was. This is what the textbooks don’t tell you.

In 2007 I fell in love. This is what I was wearing. This is what that meant. I will tell them of my parents and my parents parents and my parents… parents… parents… and how the world changes and how they must take that on now too. And I wonder if they will realize, before I had, what an important mark they have on the world every year they are alive. I wonder if they will realize that these moments, as small as they might seem at the time, are going to be remembered by people far past the time they are here.

In January 2010 I put my headphones on, everyone has them. I pretended I was in a music video and everyone around me worked for free. Never the backup dancer in my own life. We’re afraid of people dying and most of us too afraid to live. I get up. I walk to class. It’s cold outside and I inhale until my lungs turn cold. Everything is relevant.

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anal sex (Q/A, Misconceptions, How-To)

A few people have requested that I do another post on anal sex. This is a post that I write semi-regularly and I think is very important no matter how many times I write it. It would be impossible to include all of the information necessary (unless I wrote a book on it) so if you have any questions after reading please email me atsuggestivetongue@gmail.com so I can further help you. I would also like to mention an incredible source for all of you to check out if you are truly interested in trying (or perfecting) anal sex. It is a movie called “The Expert Guide to Anal Sex” by Tristan Taormino. She is the anal sex goddess and this movie is a must if you want to experience pleasurable anal sex.

The first thing you have to do before reading anything about anal sex is throw your preconceived notions out the window. Here are a few popular misconceptions about anal sex.

Q: If you play with the anus aren’t you going to get shit everywhere?
A: No, not necessarily. Keep in mind that fecal matter doesn’t just sit and rest in the anal canal at all times. If you’re planning on having anal sex do it several hours after a bowl movement and not at a time when you feel like you’re going to need to go. Prepare as much in advance as you can by eating correctly so when you do have a bowel movement it is a clean cut, so to speak. This will prevent anything from being “left behind in the behind.” It is also beneficial to take a shower before having anal sex just to make yourself extra clean on the outside.
If you are especially particular you can have a enema done at home which essentially washes out the inside of the anus. This makes some people queasy, but it makes other people more willing to give it a go.
As a last thought, remember that sex is not supposed to be clean. Bodily fluids are being exchanged left and right and if a little brown smudge comes out on your dick grab a wet wipe and keep on going. It’s not going to be a full shit-storm, most likely just a bit of discolored discharge. Which, as I said, can also be avoided.

Q: Everyone tells me anal sex hurts, is it possible to have anal sex without pain?
A: First things first-if you have painful anal sex then you may not have prepared long enough. Many people approach anal sex like they do vaginal sex. The anus is NOT THE SAME as the vagina. It requires preparation and it’s own specific set of guidelines. Understand the anatomy of your own body and how it works before going about anal sex. If you do this and are relaxed it is entirely possible that you will have pleasurable anal sex the first time. If you are prepared and don’t have pleasurable anal sex the first time, don’t give up, try again, and work on what you’ve learned. Remember that pain is your bodies message that something is wrong and if you experience pain you should stop.

Q: Is anal sex safe sex?
A: There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex. In this mind set, yes, anal sex is safer sex. You cannot get pregnant through the anus just like you cannot get pregnant through oral sex. On the other hand, there is still the possibility of pregnancy when you are having anal sex. For example, some people have anal sex without condoms and when the ejaculate runs out of the anus it can slide down to the vagina. It is also possible to get STDs from anal sex so it is important to get regular testing done and be very careful to go slowly so you don’t tear a hole in the tissues inside the anus.

Q: Vaginal sex feels good, why would I want to have anal sex if I’m already satisfied?
A: It is a good sign of someone who is not sexually intelligent when you hear them give up where they start. If there is the possibility to experience a greater (or different) orgasm… why wouldn’t you want to try to reach it? It is possible for both men and women to experience more powerful orgasm from anal stimulation. That alone is good enough reason for me to tell you it’s worth the shot.

Q: You blog a lot about anal sex, is it your favorite thing to do in bed?
A: No, I can count the number of times I have tried anything in this area of sexuality on one or two hands. It is (at this point) not my favorite thing to do but I am still aware of the pleasure you can receive from it and think that it is a topic worthy of understanding. Not everyone is going to fall in love with anal play, but everyone can experience pleasure from it.

So as I said the first thing you need to do is throw everything you’ve thought about anal sex being “dirty” out the window- at least if it’s negative. If you, like many others, get thrills out of doing something taboo then keep those feelings around. They might just help you get things done. The more aroused you are the easier anything in sex is. So be aroused, get wet, and get ready.
After you’re all wet, erect, whatever- you’re going to need to know the anatomy. The anus is much longer than the vaginal anal and because of this can allow for deeper penetration. Unlike the vagina, however, it has a curve. Because of this keep rule number one in mind.

Do not penetrate too quickly or too hard. Go slow, work into it.

If you penetrate too quickly or too hard you may hit the wall on the inside of the anus causing some pain. It’s also not wise to penetrate the anus quickly without warming up first because the muscles will not have relaxed yet for this to be possible. This can cause bleeding, tearing, pain, and might even be impossible. More on basic anatomy later.
While it might be something you can get away with in the vagina, the anus is a different breed and does not self-lubricate. Which leads to rule number two.

Always use lubrication.

Lubrication is a must in anal sex and anal play. With no natural lubrication things can get dry and… as the saying goes, the wetter the better. Keep on hand a bottle of lubrication and do not be shy to use it frequently.
So you have lubrication, you know the basic anatomy, and you’re okay with the idea of being penetrated/penetrating the anus. The next step is putting all of this into motion.

1. Get aroused, stay aroused
Playing with your clit while he is working up your ass is very beneficial. It is important to stay aroused and in the game the entire time. Playing with your clit not only keeps you aroused but it keeps your mind off what he is doing to your anus. If you are simply thinking about what he is doing then you might instinctively tighten up making it harder for him to work his way in. Play with yourself, talk dirty, watch porn, or really get into how dirty it feels to have your ass played with. Whatever does it for you.

2. Make sure she is aroused
Men- it is also your job to make sure she is aroused. Make sure she wants what is going on. Do this by lubricating your finger and running it back and forth over her butthole. See how she reacts to your touch. Maybe reach around and rub her clit every now and then. Remember that it is never okay to go ass to vagina because of the potential bacteria so always use a clean hand or keep sanitizer/wipes handy.

3. One finger, slowly
Here is my continuation of basic anatomy. Before you actually can have anal sex or anal penetration of any kind you need to win over the sphincter twins, the internal and external sphincter muscles. Once you’ve worked the sphincter muscles open the anus will actually loosen up quite a bit and will actually stay “open” like a gaping hole of sorts for a few moments after being penetrated. This is why the initial penetration and warming up of the anus is so important and makes anal sex more pleasurable.

So- you’re rubbing your finger around the outside of the anus to warm things up. You start to feel things open up a bit. Now it is okay to slowly press the tip of your index finger inside. Notice how it feels and how she tightens up or loosens up around you. Most women prefer if you avoid any “come hither” motions at first and simply press straight in very slowly. It can be a strange feeling to get used to so communicate frequently and have her tell you how fast to go and when to stop or pull out.

I would also avoid from “thrusting” motions. Simply press, and continue to press in. If you get a hole finger in congratulation yourself and move on to the next step.

4. Thrusting, more fingers, and toys
Once she is warmed up to your finger begin experimenting further with her consent. You may start to thrust in and out slowly, add another finger, or pull out and use a small toy (slim dildo) or butt plug. Anal beads are also good for beginners especially if the beads on the toy go up in size. Be aware of how she feels, continue to communicate, and make sure things don’t get too dry. It is okay to stop and do something else momentarily if she wants to calm down for a moment.

———-

I would suggest not continuing on to having actual anal sex the first time you experiment with anal play. Pretend like you are trying to obtain a PhD in anal studies. Notice how she feels, how she reacts, what it’s all about. How can you relax her the most quickly? What movements with your finger give the best reaction? What does she want to do, what does she want to try, how fast is she ready to move?

The most important things to remember are the relaxing of these anal muscles and lubrication. Open things up, relax things, and keep things wet. When you reach the anal sex phase remember that it is often incredibly intense for both parties. Most men orgasm very quickly the first time they have anal sex and most women experience very powerful orgasms. It is best to pull the penis out of the anus fairly quickly after ejaculation while things are still wet and open creating an easy withdrawal.

Feel free to point out any spelling issues I had in here, I only read through it once. Again, if you have any questions feel free to email me. Hope this was beneficial!

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he’s a stud, she’s a slut

As you probably know by now I am an avid fan and reader of Jessica Valenti, both her books as well as her articles on feministing.com

One of the books of hers I finished recently is called He’s a stud, She’s a slut (And 49 other double standards every woman should know.)

When beginning this book you are introduced to what I’d like to call “Feminism for beginners”. Essentially, every decent human being is a feminist both man and woman, we just might not all know it yet. The book is a quick read with each “chapter” being one of these double standards. He’s a stud, she’s a slut. He’s angry, she’s PMSing, the list continues. I admit that I have never been the most passionate feminist and I am a newcomer in the world of protesting and activism in general. Reading this book is the great beginning motivator for anyone who wants to become involved or just become educated.

These double standards not only bring women down, but bring men down as well. Are all men players, ruthless, tough to the core? Clearly men have no emotions, they are empty shells! Just as women are degraded in our culture men are put on a pedestal and often times not all of them can equate to what society wants them to be. If you feel like the double standard gets played out both ways, read this book. Start to get angry- because you should be. Male, female, transgendered… everyone should be angry.

Highly recommended, quick read, thought-provoking.

If you pass through this book and want more, pick up another one of her books- Full Frontal Feminism. It goes into many of the similar ideas but as a book itself has more meat to it. Again, easy for a femi-beginner and incredibly interesting. You’ll just fall in love (with her, the ideas, whichever. It’s all brilliant.)


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rape fantasy: extended version

Note: I originally posted this on my blog February 2009. I’ve had a few requests since then to re-post it but I only just found it today, sorry for the wait.

As promised, here is my revised “rape fantasy” blog. The initial blog I wrote was a three page paper for my Violence and Aggression class. The article I reviewed was called “Women’s Erotic Rape Fantasies: An Evaluation of Theory and Research” put out by the Journal of Sex Research in 2008.

Because I think a lot of you may be intrigued by this topic I decided to rewrite it with more information and more points. I also realize since it’s going to be a lot of information it may be difficult to stay interested so I’m going to number my points and try to keep it short.

As a note, I obviously believe that rape is wrong, and disgusting. As I’ll mention a few times throughout the post, I personally believe that they should not be called rape fantasies. It gives a bad name to an otherwise potentially enjoyable fantasy for many people. Here we go.

1. What is rape?
Rape is unwanted sexual intrusion. Rape is physical force, threat of force, or incapacitation (for example: sleep, intoxication) to coerce someone into sexual activity. Since rape is overwhelmingly committed against females, the length of this post will refer to women. Keep mind however that there is no stereotype as to who a rapist can be. It can be someone you know, it can be a friend, it can even be your spouse.

2. What is a rape fantasy?
Just in case you didn’t know, a fantasy comes from the imagination and is unrestricted by reality. At least, that’s what Princeton says. But I believe it. The problem with the rape fantasy is that people hear the word rape and are in disbelief that anyone could desire such a thing. We’ll get to that part later.

A rape fantasy is basically a fantasy of control, and there are two basic kinds that I want to focus on.

A) Erotic Rape Fantasies
According to a study done in the 80s, Erotic Rape Fantasies low levels of fear and no realistic violence. An example of an Erotic Rape Fantasy:

A handsome cable man greets you at the door, he says something suave. You protest. No! I could never! He grabs you by the waist and kisses you. No! I can’t! I’m married! He sweeps you off your feet and takes you to the bedroom. I can’t do this! I don’t want to! You kiss back. This is wrong! You continue to kiss.

Remember the cable guy, I’ll mention him again in the third section coming up.

B) Averse Rape Fantasies
Then, there are the Averse Rape Fantasies. The ARF is more realistic in what you think of in terms of real rape, but is still far from actual rape. The Averse Rape Fantasy will have more of an aspect of domination towards it. It may contain aggression and will likely have a darker overtone to it than the former fantasy. For example:

You’re walking through the alley at night when a man confronts you. He’s absolutely hideous and he demands your wallet. You refuse. The man then decides to take sex in place of the wallet. She will say no, but gain sexual pleasure out of the encounter.

It’s easy to look at that situation and see it as entirely wrong. How could she get pleasure out of that situation? Remember this guy as well, because I’ll talk about him later too. The point is, though, that throughout these entire fantasy she IS giving consent. The point of a fantasy is, that you are not actually losing control of the situation. You are getting the sensation that you’ve lost control. She was never in any danger.

Any rape fantasy contains three aspects. Sex, nonconsent, and force.

3. Why do people have these fantasies?

There are quite a few theories, all of which any of us should be able to relate to or at least understand.

A) Masochism
Masochism deals with the desire for suffering and pain, but don’t stop reading there. This theory as you may have guessed tends to ride with the Aversion Rape Fantasy. The fantasy that tends to involve more aggression. A study done in the 80’s by Bond and Mosher showed that when given two rape fantasies (one involving pain, and one involving minimal discomfort) the arousal level went up when there was only minimal discomfort. That would show that if masochism is a reason some people enjoy the rape fantasy, it’s not a very large percentage of them. Also, in a different study, over 99% of the people interviewed said they would not want to be raped in real life. They reported that they felt rape was a repulsive and traumitizing experience.

B) Sexual Blame Avoidance
Another popular theory for the rape fantasy is that women want to be “taken” as so they can enjoy sex but not feel the guilt of expressing their sexuality. This theory stems from a long history of sexual repression, in a society that doesn’t allow women to enjoy sex. The idea is that if the sex is forced from her, she cannot be blamed for it.

C) Openness to Sexual Experience
This is the opposite of Sexual Blame Avoidance. Basically, this persons sexuality is so open that they are advancing to new fantasies, and trying new things. Researchers saw that as womens sexual experiences grew, so did their fantasies. I could see this theory stemming to either Aversion Rape Fantasy or the Erotic Rape Fantasy. It would really depend on the individuals personal preference, I imagine.

D) Desirability
Basically “they want me so much they’ll do anything to have me.” Women desire to be desired, and when a man loses control because of that it can be arousing. Or at least that’s what some researchers believe. Kanin (1982) believes that it enhanses the females self-esteem. It can also establish her sexual power.

E) Male Rape Culture
A lot of people may argue that this is one of the more dominate reasons why the rape fantasy exists, though I don’t agree. The Male Rape Culture theory basically means that women have rape fantasies because we live in a male dominated culture. Full of strong, testosterone heavy men who will take advantage of you. There are no valid studies to really hold this theory up, and the fact that many men also have similar fantasies kind of writes it out.

F) Biological Predisposition to Surrender
As keen as I am to follow the biological aspects of sexuality, this point I too have to disagree with. In 1999 Helen Fisher said that females may have the natural tendancy to surrender to a dominant male. There have been no studies to confirm nor deny this, but it seems as though a stretch.

G) Sympathetic Activation
There is however one biological theory I can agree with, along with a personal testament. For those of you who haven’t taken a biology class or a psychology class, there is something called the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. This is the part of our body that gives us the “fight or flight” feeling when put into dangerous/scary/anxious situations. Our heart rate goes up, so does respiration.

This theory suggests that when put into a situation where we’ve lost control (such as rape) we have a natural sexual response. We become aroused. In all definition of it, we are technically “aroused”. But I too believe that the sexual arousal is tied to that. As an example, many people enjoy having sex where they know they might get caught. That fear or excitement causes extra arousal. An added sensation. A new height to the experience. That is the main idea.

H) Adversary Transformation
This too is a long stretch for me to believe. Basically, it stems around romance novels. The idea is that women take the men from the books they read (or, whatever) and turn them into their fantasies. The men are generally strong, sometimes cruel, but handsome. Instead of being the women reading the romance novel, wishing that man were hers, she puts the man in her fantasy and makes HIM want HER. It makes sense, on a level, but if it were put into a rape fantasy it would be Erotic Rape at most. And even then, a small percentage of rape fantasies I imagine.

4. Why should it be renamed?
I applaud those of you who have read this far. If you read all of the above, you may agree with me by now that it should be renamed because the rape fantasy is nothing at all like real rape. A rape fantasy consists of two willing, and consenting adults. It is a game of control. It is, for lack of a better word, roleplay. And it is not roleplaying the dangerous and horrible situations that happen all over the world. These are not mockeries of real rapes. They are make believe situations in which we lose power. And for whatever reason people decide it arouses them (as you can see, there are many above) it does NOT make light of the horrible thing that is rape.

5. Why is there such a bad stigma towards the rape fantasy?
When someone outright disagrees with someone they will often not put time into understanding it. They disagree with it, they think it’s wrong, they don’t want to know about it. Perhaps if they were to understand what exactly happened during a “rape” fantasy they would change their mind. And, above all, if the name were changed it would probably not have any stigma attached to it at all.

6. What if I’ve been raped and have the rape fantasy?
It has been written about time and again that women who have been raped can develop a rape fantasy later in life. I have even heard of cases where women are unable to get themselves off to anything besides the fantasy of rape or being controlled. In these situations, there is clearly some sort of mental problem that they haven’t worked out. The situation that they were put into wasn’t fair. They shouldn’t have to put themselves in similar situations. I would imagine it is a sort of coping mechanism. I would suggest anyone who has been through this to seek counseling. If anyone has any information regarding this I didn’t mention, please don’t hesitate to tell me. I don’t think this is really something anyone can know about except the people it happens to.

Another theory (which I didn’t take mention to) is that women use the rape fantasy to prepare themselves for the possibility of being raped in real life. If they feel as though they have control over the situation in a fantasy, it becomes less of a nightmare to them in real life. I don’t think this is a good reason to be having the fantasy, as it takes the rape fantasy from more of a control fantasy to more of a actual rape-fantasy. It’s my opinion that it’s not healthy to combine the ideas of actual rape with the act of sex. Just like I wouldn’t suggest joining together thoughts of murder with sex. They just aren’t things you want to associate.

Thanks for reading, as always please let me know if theres anything else regarding this you want to know.

Email: suggestivetongue@gmail.com

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