Never Had an Orgasm: Why You Should Just Give Up

I’m 26 and I’ve never had an orgasm… I’m a woman and I’ve been in many happy and sexual relationships with men. I just can’t orgasm. I don’t know what to do, am I broken?

FFS, I’m just kidding, never give up!

You’re not broken! There are so many reasons why a woman may struggle to have an orgasm. For your first orgasm, especially. It’s not until you have one orgasm that you know what it feels like, how it builds. The first orgasm can shed an immense amount of light on how to have future orgasms.

Some women struggle having orgasms because of societal pressure to please men. They aren’t demanding orgasms. Women should demand orgasms. If they don’t orgasm during penetrative sex this doesn’t mean that the sex is done. Sex is continuous – before – during – and after penetration. Sometimes sex occurs entirely without penetration. Let’s repeat that. If you’re having sex with a man and he orgasms this does not mean that the sex is over. It simply means that unless he has a very quick reload time that the sex is going to continue in a different way until you orgasm too. If you find penetrative sex to be too stressful, or if you find it difficult to get you off, try having sex with no penetration at all.

Some women struggle having orgasms because of religious upbringing. There is a strong shame attached to sexuality which prevents them from fully exploring their bodies. They may even have restricted access to critical information about their own bodies. That information is hidden from them as if their vagina were the enemy. That mentality can make connecting with your body even harder.

Some women have been through traumatic sexual experiences which make relaxing and releasing more difficult actions for the body to take part in. Some women are shy by nature, introverted, some women are not supremely sexual by nature.

Masturbation is probably the easiest way to orgasm for the first time.

  • Get over the mental hill

If you’re touching yourself and you’re not aroused, it’s just going to feel like you’re touching yourself. Like you’re touching your elbow, or your knee, or your thigh, or any other piece of skin. Focus on hitting a good mental space first.

  • It’s going to take longer than you think, so just enjoy it

Getting in the right mental state might take longer than you think. Even if you’re in the right mental space, it might take much longer to orgasm than you think it’s going to. (The first time might take just a few minutes but it could take an hour!)

  • Use porn or erotica to help get in the right mental state

Porn or erotica can help you get in the right mental state. Just poke around and see what interests you.

  • Focus only on clitoral stimulation

The clitoris is where the most nerve endings are packed. Very simply put, that high concentration of nerve endings means more sensitivity which means more arousal. Forget jamming a phallus in and out, find a spot near the clitoris (or find your clitoris) and start there.

  • Make your goal to feel good

The number one problem people seem to have is stressing out about their inability to orgasm. Stressing out can prevent the orgasm from happening. What’s the point of orgasming if you aren’t having fun to begin with? Focus on feeling good. If you’re doing it right, you won’t want to orgasm.

  • Remember the sensitive bits get even more sensitive

If you are focusing on your clitoris remember that it might become more sensitive as more blood flows to the area. Move your hand away from it if it becomes too sensitive. Rubbing in the general area of your clitoris will still provide indirect stimulation.

  • Flex your kegels

This might be a little advanced if you haven’t ever orgasmed, but knowing how to flex your kegel muscles can assist in delaying orgasms, speeding up orgasms, or even having more powerful orgasms. The kegels are what you flex when you are holding in the need to pee.

  • Close your eyes

For fucks sake just relax for a minute.

  • Blast off

Theoretically.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Writing about Gender

After studying gender for eight years, I’ve reached an impasse. I’m not inspired anymore. Things that used to feel cutting edge feel old and overdone. I wanted to write about gender today. I wrote it in big block letters in my schedule. WRITE ABOUT GENDER. Write about men, write about women, give trans resources, offer definitions for new or unusual language. I think it’s because I’m not learning about it anymore. Every day isn’t a new connection being made. There are no new epiphanies. Most of the time I hardly even think about gender. I meet people and I let them tell me who they are.

I suppose the other thing is that gender is exhausting when you’re a woman. Every day you are gender. People flirt with you, cat call you, harass you or comment on your ability.

Just yesterday at work I was carrying a large delivery and an older man looked at me and said “isn’t there a man available to do that heavy lifting?”

We’re reminded women aren’t safe, women are paid less, women should look and act a certain way, and every day there is a soft echo of what should or shouldn’t be wrapped around every thing you say or do.

I suppose the way to tie it together into a big beautiful bow would be to think about gender in how it relates to myself. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Blogging about myself. Like any good, self-absorbed writer, processing the truths and the lies and the little grey areas in-between.

Frankly, that’s kind of exhausting too. My boyfriend asked me the other day if I’d read the latest update on the rape in the news and I asked “which one?” Every day it’s a flow of new articles. If it’s not hard hitting journalism than it’s women doing what I don’t have the energy to do. Talking about how shitty it is to be a woman sometimes.

I’d rather talk about what is happening right now. Literally, right now. The way my chair feels or the sounds outside. The absurd conversation the group sitting next to me is having about Trump’s electability. I’d rather talk about all the things other people aren’t talking about. The only way to do that is to stream it directly through me and my experience.

How can I make this old, exhausting conversation about how we’re different or the same feel new and exciting? Once you leave college, can you ever really good back?

Have a question about sex, love, life… or gender? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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In Defense of Bean Flicking and Burning The Midnight Flux

Have you heard of masturbation jealousy? It typically happens in heterosexual relationships when a man learns his partner has been masturbating. He becomes angry and tells her that he’s uncomfortable with her getting off without him. Sometimes the masturbation jealousy is specific to toys (fear that the toy will replace the man) but sometimes it has more to do with a woman being able to experience any kind of self-gratification. While masturbation jealousy is fairly common, what people don’t know is that 10/10 of men who experience it should also go fuck themselves. That’s 100% of all men. Even more stunning is that men rarely deal with masturbation jealousy themselves. (Though, to be fair, many men have to deal with porn jealousy, which is another topic entirely.)

Why might someone want to continue masturbating when they’re in a sexually gratifying relationship?

  1. It feels good
  2. Your partner doesn’t always want to have sex
  3. It can reduce stress
  4. Masturbation is different than penetrative sex
  5. It doesn’t matter because women don’t need to justify what they do to their bodies

Bonus: You just finished binging Stranger Things and you’re just bored.

Sha-blam.

Sure, masturbation can be a symptom of something else. Maybe you’re masturbating because you’re not having sex. Maybe you’re masturbating because looking at your significant other makes your vagina kinda suck up into itself like a dried sponge. Maybe you’re masturbating because you can’t afford prescription anti-psychotics. But most of the time, let’s just say, masturbation is a little bit like eating breakfast. Just because you had breakfast doesn’t mean you don’t want lunch and dinner and a snack and maybe a little nosh and a cocktail around five. In fact, eating breakfast only fills you up briefly. Most people are hungry again in a few hours.  Some people even get hungrier after eating!

If you don’t get the metaphor I just don’t care, I’m out.

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Reader Feedback: Squirt Guns

I received to followup comments for (this post) that I wanted to share. Have thoughts about female ejaculation? Leave them in the comments below!

Hi! I’m the reader who asked about squirting! I’ve been with my current partner for 6 months and he is very attentive to my needs. I just turned 30, and let me tell you, sex only gets better as you get older! I would say it’s the best sex I’ve ever had, consistent orgasms with him, consistent pleasure and arousal levels, we want the same amount of sex and are both very turned on and comfortable with each other. Quite honestly, it was normal sex with him, nothing fancy or different. I was riding him and had a very deep, intense orgasm. Probably more g-spot stimulation than usual due to the angle. It felt a little like I had peed myself but in a pleasurable way. Which, since Ive never experienced FE, was a little scary! There wasn’t a lot of fluid but it was a thin fluid and it made sex super slippery. He honestly had no idea it had happened, thought I just had orgasmed and gotten wetter. He was thrilled when I told him what happened and wanted to try again! We don’t try for it every time we have sex, it hasn’t happened again, but to know that it’s real and possible for me is awesome!

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I had a boyfriend who helped me learn how to squirt by watching an instructional video. After I learned how, it would happen randomly… usually when I was on top. I still can if I try to do it, but it’s not random anymore. I personally have to feel extremely safe and comfortable with the person I’m with in order to do it. It’s kind of a vulnerable thing for me. My experience with squirting has always been through gspot stimulation. It feels different from a regular orgasm. For me not quite as intense. Sometimes it feels like I’m peeing, but other times I don’t know I’ve squirted until the bed is soaked.

—–

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog!

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The Female Squirt Gun: Or, The New Hit Lawn Game for Summer 2016

What are your thoughts and feelings about squirting/female ejaculation? real or myth, something the porn industry has mainstreamed? I ask this because I recently had a very intense orgasm with lots of fluid, which made me wonder about this topic. Thanks!

Female ejaculation is undeniably real and it’s always super bizarre to me that people say it’s not real. What is often contested is what it is, why we do it, how we do it, and if everyone can do it. Though they are doing some research on female ejaculation there still seems to be a general air of confusion over all of those questions. A more recent study from 2015 claimed that there were two kinds of female ejaculation. Some where women emit some urine, and some where women also emit a prostatic-specific antigen (PSA), from the equivalent of the prostate gland. Like most studies about female sexuality, I’ve never felt entirely satisfied with the results. They always feel a little forced and inconclusive. I do think that the porn industry has mainstreamed squirting in a way that is positive for women who, previously, may have felt embarrassed about the experience.

I’d love to know more about your experience if you’d like to share it with my readers! Did the FE happen after g-spot stimulation? Clitoral stimulation? Did your orgasm feel different? Do you feel that you could replicate the experience? Other readers who have squirted, send me your stories. Is this something that happens regularly and how does it impact your sex life? Let me know in the box below and I’ll share it on my site!

Do you squirt? Do you want to experience more g-spot orgasms? Visit SheBop Portland’s favorite female-friendly sex toy boutique to explore highly rated and reviewed products. You can buy toys, videos or books, and even a special blanket to keep your bed fluid-free.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Exploring Fantasies at Different Stages of Relationships

The most asked question on my blog is “how can I ask my wife to peg me?” Without a doubt, once every couple of months, someone asks me this question. Actually, they phrase it “how can I get my wife to peg me?” which implies “how can I convince my wife to do something without having an open conversation about my desires?” As if one day ones wife comes home with a  strap-on and says “I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS, BEND OVER” with zero discussion. (This is a super awkward post to be writing in public when the people next to me can definitely see my screen.) This is not the way you want to be pegged. Maybe it’s less work this way. If your wife just brings it up serendipitously. But it’s pretty unlikely. That’s why you need to advocate for yourself and your interests.

Discussing sexual preferences before you enter into a relationship is really important. You want to date someone who is interested in doing the same things you’re interested in doing. Sometimes you don’t always know what you’re interested in, so exploring on your own can be a big help. You don’t want to spill the whole bag of cats on the first date, so figure out what is important to you, and how you can clearly articulate that to someone. Are you dominant? Are you submissive? Do you like kink? Are you more vanilla – do you prefer quiet, intimate sex? Do you dislike exploring? Are you happy with the way things are? Are you super open-minded? Do you like expanding your boundaries over time? Find someone who seems somewhat aligned with you. If it’s comfortable, bring up some of your preferences more specifically at the start.

Humans are complex and they change. What you thought, felt, and experienced at the start of your relationship might change over time. After a couple of years you might want to try something new that you’d never wanted to try before. You might not be interested in the same kinks. You might shift your preferences temporarily or even permanently. Expressing a new fantasy to a partner who knows you well can feel kind of uncomfortable. Even if this is the person you tell everything to. A new fantasy, or a kinky fantasy, might feel a little bit like you’re rocking the boat. You might wonder what bringing up this fantasy will do to your relationship. If they know I want to get pegged, will they think of me the same way? What if I tell them this fantasy and they say no? Can I be happy if I don’t have this experience?

I advise that you take these conversations slowly over time. For some partners, the answer might be a resounding “yes, I’d love to try that thing!” For others, they may feel discomfort, fear, uneasiness, or confusion. Especially for something like pegging, which many women are not familiar with. Discuss your interest in whatever thing you’re interested in trying, and provide your partner with information about what it is and how to do it. Explain how much you want to try it and allow them a good amount of time to think it over and look it up on their own. If possible, find a compromise or a baby step towards that thing. Pegging, for instance, could start with small toys, instead of a full strap-on. A full on sub/dom relationship could start with spanking or handcuffs. If you’re really in a long term relationship, you can imagine there’s time to explore, if your partner is open to the process.

If it is a new relationship and your partner has zero interest in exploring and you feel that this experience is critical to your sexual satisfaction, I feel that’s really important to know early on. It may play a role in whether or not you decide to stay in that relationship. To the most recent person who asked me this question, I hope this helped. Open communication and honesty with your partner can go a long way. Be patient, and consider the details of your specific relationship as you explore this together. Good luck!

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

 

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Dating an Older Man: Or, The Faceless Randoms of Bygone Eras

Hi Suggestive, I think I need some reassurance in my relationship (I’m female, 23 and he’s male, 46. We’ve been together for about 5 months). This is my first relationship ever and my partner has definitely more experience than I do. The part about his past that makes me feel the most insecure is knowing/hearing/imagining all the past sexual experience he has had. He’s always told me that I’m the first one he’s been in love with and with me he has the love and the sex. It’s been hard to get that in my mind automatically because I grew up with and internalized a lot of sex negativity and thoughts related to that. I know he loves me and this relationship is far different than anything he’s had before. But my mind constantly runs with the thoughts of him and faceless randoms doing it. I wish I could rewire my mind and not feel this way but it’s so deeply ingrained in me! How do I begin to unlearn this and have it stick?

I might suggest that the frustration is not necessarily about the people he’s had sex with, but the fact that he simply has more experience than you do. That may be a problem that continues to regenerate over and over again within your relationship. Has he felt this before? Has he done this before?

 When dating with a large age discrepancy it can be a real downer if everything new and exciting is something your partner has already been there, done that. Of course, this depends entirely on your partners attitude about the situation. Some people have a joie de vivre that makes every situation feel thrilling and new. They are able to experience high levels of joy over and over again. Others wallow in a sense of I’ve already done this and waft disinterest to their parters. These are horrible people and you should avoid them at all costs. Just kidding. Mostly. Not really.

If we’re talking about sex, I wonder what his attitude towards your sexual relationship is. He assures you that he has the love and the sex, but do you feel that from him, too? (

I feel as though your brain is giving you a warning. If you are uncomfortable with something, listen to that discomfort. Do not try to rewire your brain. Why do you feel uncomfortable? What is your discomfort telling you to do? If it’s saying “I cannot completely be okay with this, even though I do not know why” that is a perfectly okay thing to feel. Sex positivity does not mean, and will never mean that you have to be okay with everything related to sexuality. It certainly does not mean you have to listen to your current significant other talk about previous relationships, what they did, who they were, etc.

There are some exciting things about dating an older man. He has some experience with what he likes and what he doesn’t like. But every person is different. He’ll be able to show you some things, but you’ll be able to show him some things too. Even if this is your first relationship – which – I think – we should take a second to talk about. This is your first relationship. I’m assuming you mean your first sexual relationship, but it could be your first romantic relationship as well. That’s a huge big fucking deal and frankly I’m not entirely sure that dating someone so far ahead of you in terms of experience is the best idea. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea or that it’s an impossible idea, but I think it presents several unique problems of its own.

Everyone enters into relationships in different places with different experience. This is how it’s always going to be in any relationship you’re in. But the first relationship you’re in helps you set the stage for the next relationship you’re in, and the second relationship you’re in helps set the stage for the one after that. Each relationship teaches you something new about what you want and what you don’t want. I worry that dating someone with so much experience may sway this process into his favor.

Remember that a relationship can and should be what makes you happy, what feels comfortable, what you want it to be. Someone who has been around the block a few times doesn’t get to choose what it looks and sounds like. Is this partner someone who you can explore different aspects of sex and love with openly and honestly? If so, revert back to question one : what does your discomfort tell you? If not, don’t look for any more reasons to stay with him.

Your question included not one line about what you want in your relationship together. Take a step back and think about that openly and honestly and alone and see where it takes you.

Best of luck!

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog!

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Poll of the week: Favorite time to have sex?

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I Don’t Like Sex Anymore / Abuse and Aversion

Dear Lorelei, Three years ago, I started taking birth control. Suddenly my sex drive dropped, but my ex boyfriend couldn’t handle that. He became abusive, pressuring me for sex, and I ended up hating sex because I had it when I didn’t want to all of the time. Now, I’m with a new partner who respects me and would never push the matter. However, I still feel an aversion to sex and wish I didn’t have to have it ever. I don’t like it when people go down on me, I don’t like sex itself, and anything that should cause me pleasure just causes me to withdraw and detach from the experience. I sometimes will use a strap on, but other than that, I dislike sexual acts. I want to like sex again, and I want to make myself and my partner happy and fulfilled. How might I go about this?

I’m so sorry to hear that you went through this. On a much smaller scale, any kind of pressure to have sex can really prevent arousal from happening. Over time, or with added emotional or physical abuse, it’s completely understandable that you would develop this aversion to sex. I would strongly recommend that you seek out some kind of counseling to discuss the abuse you experienced. Your partner made you do things that you, your body, and your heart weren’t into. That can cause profound change in a person, as well as how they think and feel about themselves and the world. Given what you said about withdrawing from pleasure and detachment, I think counseling could really help you.

In addition, think about what owning your sexuality means to you. What would you like it to look like if your sex life was exactly the way you wanted it to look? Find small ways to express your sexuality by yourself, with your partner, or both. Keeping a journal about these thoughts could help. The goal is for you to mean every single yes that you give. To know, without a doubt, that the yes is yours. Having a partner that respects your boundaries will be a great help. Respecting yourself and the pace you need to take will also be a great help.

At the start you may just talk to a counselor, or write in a journal. You might not feel you’re practicing a sexuality of any kind. However: the absence of what we consider sexuality is often times a certain kind of sexuality in itself. Create that foundation for you to continue building back towards whatever you want your sexuality to be. It may not be exactly what your new partners sexuality is, and that’s okay, too. Often times when we’re with a partner we share some interests and don’t share others. When you get to the point where you want to begin working together, find a place where you have common ground. Explore areas that feel safe, comfortable, and fun. 

I’m glad you are in a better situation now, best of luck moving forward.

Have a question about sex or love? Don’t not know. No question too simple or complex. Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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The Curious Case of the Friendly Adult Store

Today I was reminded that I have been affiliating with SheBop for three years. If my affiliation were a child, it would be on the floor of the grocery store screaming for candy right now! What I’m saying is, time flies. So today seems appropriate to write a post that has been jostling around in my cranium for the past few weeks. It’s kind of a Marie Kondo slash Tristan Taormino thing, which are two names that until this moment were probably never used in the same sentence.

The Bare Minimum: Your Sex Toy Accessories

A few years ago this blogger may have thought it trendy to have an endless supply of gadgets and gizmos. So many, in fact, that they demanded their own cupboard with drawers for sorting variety. There were – shudder – jelly toys, and lubricants with sticky lids. There were things I’d never toyed with, just sitting there, looking pretty. It was before I even got on my “tidy-kick” that I decided it was all too much. I unceremoniously threw them away, a cascading waterfall of silicone.

Now I’ve got one of those super annoying do you really need that, though attitudes about pretty much everything. Maybe it’s because I’m edging closer to my 30s, but I’m more about quality over quantity, and if something isn’t useful, I don’t want it taking up any of my valuable space. (Portland now charges roughly $400 per square foot for apartment space, with a trendy tax the closer you live to micro-breweries.)

I’m all about cultivating a well-rounded set of things that you’re going to actually use. That’s going to look different for everyone depending on who you are and what you’re into.

Here are some tips I have for picking out the best set for you:

  1. If you need more than one of the same toy/accessory, why?
  2. Does everything have it’s own unique purpose?
  3. Are all of these toys/accessories you genuinely enjoy using?
  4. Are the materials of these toys/accessories safe for your body?
  5. Are these toys/accessories going to stand up well over time?

Here is my go-to cheater guide for building a collection:

  1. Buy high quality silicone toys that are not porous or seek out metal or glass toys.
  2. Have a good understanding of the price range for the toy you’re seeking and consider spending slightly more if it means getting a higher quality toy.
  3. In conjunction with number two, read reviews on the toy you’re interested in buying. See what others have to say about the quality of the toy.
  4. If you already have a dildo, why are you getting a second dildo? Is it because the first one just isn’t doing it for you? Or do you want some variety? Instead of pooling in tons of toys, try thinking about why you’re getting more, and if that toy is actually filling a gap. (Ba dum ksh)
  5. Only buy toys that you’re actually interested in using! Don’t be swayed by a toy that simply looks pretty or has a good reputation. Do you want a toy that has two prongs? Do you want a toy that simulates oral sex? If not, don’t waste your money, time, and space.

Of course this is just my guide. Some people really love having tons and tons of choices and that’s what makes them feel happy. That’s equally awesome. But if you’re like me and think that it can all too quickly become overwhelming, whittle it down into something more lovely.

SheBop is a female friendly adult store in Portland, OR. This is not a sponsored post, all the thoughts are my own, I just think they’re awesome. If you want to buy online from SheBop, you can use my affiliate link and I will receive a cut of your purchase. It’s a win/win for everyone involved. Happy exploring!

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