How can I get gentle intimate sex out of a boyfriend who can’t slow down? Me and my boyfriend have been having sex for about 5 months now and he’s fast and hard, it feels great and I love it, don’t get me wrong.. But I just want slow gentle and intimate love making. I talked to him and he said he can’t go slower if he’s on top but I can be on top and go slow and be intimate. The thing is, I don’t do well on top because I’m a bit of an ametur and he has experience. I don’t know what to do about this. Advice will be very appreciated!
This is a fantastic question, thank you!
One thing that gets really hardwired into men is performance. Sometimes this means that sex is rough, fast, hard, and powerful. This could be combined with the fact that they are horny, want to get off, and think you’re banging. What is important to remember is that all kinds of people like all different kinds of sex. Sometimes that preference changes every time they have sex, depending on their mood! It’s also good to remember that sex can be a whole body experience. Something that takes both body and mind, a connection forming between people. You can achieve this connection through that rough type of sex, but it can be a different and sometimes more gratifying experience to slow down.
It can take serious effort to change behaviors that are hardwired into us like that. Especially if, well, we like what we’re doing! But just because he might really like that rough sex, doesn’t mean he can’t change, and doesn’t mean he won’t enjoy the slower type of intimate sex that you are looking for.
This is especially important for women who might take longer to warm up. Kissing, touching, licking, biting, caressing, dirty-talking, lighting the room with dim light or candles, making the bed, putting on lingerie, and making sex an experience that stimulates all the senses can help.
When he says he can’t slow down, he’s full of it. Either he doesn’t want to slow down, or he doesn’t know how to. He might have experience, but guess what? He’s not able to give you what you’re looking for, so what good is his experience there? You’re going to need to learn to work together so you can both have the experience you want in bed. That might mean for you that you ask him what types of things he likes that you can incorporate into slower and more intimate sex. For him, it might mean calming down a little bit and learning to listen to your body. Seriously, very important.
Being on top is a great suggestion because it will allow you to pace the sex to your liking. It’s okay to feel a little weird at first. Giving it a shot and practicing is what will make you feel more secure being on top. Try it in a variety of different positions. Sitting up on him, laying down flat, or even sitting up in a chair or on a couch. Sitting up can be great because you can grab onto the back of a couch or chair to help pull yourself up and down. Make a game out of it, maybe. Get on top and and get your man. It sounds like he has consented to giving it to you.
If he really doesn’t know how to go slow and be on top, tell him. And help teach him. There’s always room to learn, no matter how experienced you are. Maybe play a game where you see how slow you can go or how long you can go without orgasming. Maybe get into bed with the intention of not having penetrative sex. At all. The whole night. Try different types of sex like grinding against one another, oral sex, and more of that touching and kissing I mentioned earlier.
Here’s the tricky part: If he doesn’t start working with you, and you two don’t start working together, it’s not going to change. You want to do this as a team. So get working together. If he’s not willing to change, are you willing to give up the kind of sex that you want? (The answer is hopefully no.) Not all people are sexually compatible. Some people really like X type of sex and some people really like Y type of sex. If you can’t give up what you want, and if you’re not willing to change, that can be a big problem for your sexual compatibility.
Sit down and talk to him about it (when you’re not naked and in bed) and see if you can get excited about trying these new things together. Be willing to try on top – but also make sure that he puts in his fair share of the effort too. Good luck.
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