Question: Alluding Interest With No Follow Up?

My name is Dax and I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and we don’t see one another as often as we want to. We never have phone sex/sexting, which is okay with me, but when we finally get together and the hormones kick in and we’re having sex, it doesn’t go any further than oral sex and masturbating.

We have had a few bad encounters during sex (ie: he couldn’t get hard. Rare but it’s happened before) but the problem is I feel like I’m disconnected because this has been all we’ve ever done. I’d never cheat on him and sleep with someone else but I’m sexually frustrated and we’ve talked about this many times but it seems we always end up in the same place.

He always alludes to the idea of doing more in sex but it’s never definite phrasing (“when you fuck my ass, it’s gonna feel so good”) I don’t want to pressure him into anal sex (I’m vers) and as far as sex goes he’s getting enjoyment from just jerking off but I’m bored of it! I usually masturbate when I’m alone but I don’t wish for it to ALWAYS be a part of my sexual encounters with him. What way can we approach this, as we are adults without it overstepping boundaries and making him feel uncomfortable? Also, he has anxiety and depression, as I nearly forgot to mention.

 

It sounds like you’ve brought it up in conversation several times, and while you didn’t explicitly say so, I’m guessing that the conversation mostly gets shoved under the rug. It sounds like he’s either totally comfortable with just oral sex and masturbating, or he’s specifically not interested in having penetrative sex for some reason.

I would ask him directly – we’ve talked about it a lot, but we seem to never do it, is there something you’re waiting for or uncomfortable with? It’s something I really want to do but only if you’re equally interested in doing. What do you think? 

Once you get an affirmative “yes it’s more than a fantasy, it’s definitely something I’m interested in actually doing” you could try incorporating it into it the next time you have sex. Instead of letting the oral sex and masturbating go on until you’re both finished, shift naturally into penetrative sex by asking: “Do you want to?” Confirming consent can and should be sexy in the moment, and if it’s a very clear yes, onwards! If it’s a no, try to get confirmation of the no from him the next time you’re just talking about it. That way you won’t be wondering “is it a yes or a no? should I keep asking or shouldn’t I?”

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When You Stop Playing With Toys

I’ve already forgotten the first time I went into an adult store, but I think I can fill these memories with suitable lies. I must have been eighteen, probably on my eighteenth birthday, whichever long-term relationship I was in at the time. We went at lunch, we drove in his car. It was always his car, always him driving.

The men I dated prided themselves in having terrible cars – fast cars, unsafe cars, cars built like Frankenstein’s Monster with pieces pulled from junk yards and bolted together in dark open spaces after midnight.

If I think of sixteen or eighteen or twenty I think of the way the oil sank into the dry skin of their fingertips and created labyrinths of dirt and grime.

He must have been wearing Carhartt’s – we looked at dildos.

If this was over ten years ago then my fake memories must serve me correctly in thinking that they were mostly hard plastic or jelly, soft and filled with glitter, rabbits with Sex and the City characters smiling on the hard pressed plastic wrappings. I walk through and flick them one by one with my fingers making the dildos rock in their casings.

I bought one, purple, hard, six inches, ribbed with small awkward bumps and a microscopic glans. Had it had a reservoir for ink it could have easily substituted for a child’s vibrating pen.

The years that followed were a landslide of dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, bullets and underwear so uncomfortable that I can’t believe it took me over ten years to throw them away.

Now I have only one toy that I ever touch – the hitachi, mostly to reduce headaches and ease with back tension. I guess you could say I’m retired. Nothing under my bed excites me anymore. I never think “what should I add to this experience?” I feel no lack. I know that’s not the point. I ponder what could be added or baked in.

When I open toy review blogs I feel that I can count my age in trends I’ve missed.

It’s amazing to see things like more responsible advertising, more responsible marketing in general, better more inclusive practices for building toys, safer materials. Is it time to go back? Is it worth the investment? Can I separate the negative experiences I’ve had with toys in past relationships with the positive experiences with new, modern, intentionally purposed high-quality toys?

Will it feel like the first time all over again? Me, the fiancé, a much more beautiful store?

 

 

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What Type Of Lube Is Right For You?

One of the easiest ways to improve your sex life is by adding lubrication.

What type of lube is right for you? There are a lot of different kinds of lube – and if you’re picking up a bottle from the grocery store, you’re probably not going to get a breakdown on the bottle. Here are the quick-facts and some recommendations. Pick up a bottle of each and test their differences!

Sliquid Satin $15.00

Sliquid Satin is designed not only as a sexual lubricant, but also as a daily moisturizer for dry clean. Apply small amounts as needed, when needed.

Water Based Lube

  • Easy to find at drugstores
  • Safe to use with toys or condoms
  • Gentle for sensitive skin
  • Washes away in water
  • Can get sticky with use
  • Requires some reapplication

Water based lubes are super convenient in a pinch. They’re easy to find at drugstores and won’t degrade toy or condom materials – making them safe! They do wash away fairly easily, and can be sticky when used to excess. Use a small amount to start and add more as needed

Yes Oil based $12.00

Yes Oil based is made of coco butter and shea butter, sweet almond oil and sunflower oil. It's ultra moisturizing, and probably smells pretty great too.

Oil Based Lube

  • Thicker consistency than water based
  • Long lasting
  • Can be used for massage
  • Requires extra cleanup
  • Not safe with condoms

Oil based lubricants can feel extra luxurious. They can even start as a massage oil and work their way south. But oil based lubes are not friendly with condoms, and require a little extra cleanup.

Uber Lube $18.00

Uber Lube is scentless, tasteless, and non-staining and great to use in the shower. You only need a pea sized amount so it will last a long time.

Silicone Based Lube

  • Lasts for a long time
  • Extra thick consistency
  • Does not wash away easily with water
  • Cannot be used with silicone toys

Silicone based lubricants are the top choice for water play (shower sex) because they don’t easily wash away, but they aren’t quite as oily as the oil based lubricants. They’re also quite thick and do not require much reapplication.

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Do Tattoos Provide Deeper Meaning For Trans* Folks?

Hi,

I am going to get my first tattoo on Wednesday, a set of butterflies on my upper leg and as a symbol of my transition, MTF, I wonder if this happens to many fellow TG folks: do we get more tats than cis folks? Why? Any advice on handling the pain? Does the urge to get a tattoo suggest something deeper than I know?


I’m not sure if tattoos are more common among TG folk! I’m also one of those few that is still sans-tattoo. Anyone willing to chime in?

I would take a stab that there could be something here about claiming/reclaiming ones body. Making your body your home, making it your own. Defining yourself. Sharing in TG culture. Tattoos allow us to express who we are.

While not every tattoo is filled deep with meaning, often times tattoos do symbolize something deeper to the person who takes the plunge with the needle. Maybe the tattoo itself has some visual representation of something important. Or, maybe it’s less about the tattoo itself, and more about the event that inspired the tattoo in the first place. Yours sounds like a little bit of both.

Can you bring a friend with you or are you looking to go solo? A hand to squeeze never hurts! Hope it goes well, isn’t too much of a pain, and that the butterfly is a great companion on your journey.

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The Difference Between a Dildo and a Vibrator

Buying sex toys is kind of like buying clothes.

When I was young I mostly shopped for clothes by how they looked. I wanted the one that had Cinderella on the front. Lots of glitter. Hot pink. If you’re looking for a dildo or a vibrator, you can apply the same shopping pricipals fairly easily. But, as an adult I’m a little more concerned with functionality.

What is the difference between a dildo and a vibrator?

Essentially, one vibrates, the other doesn’t. I’ll let you guess which is which.

A dildo is something that can be inserted somewhere. A vibrator can be any shape or size and has one primary function – to vibrate. Sometimes a vibrator is also a dildo. You’ll hear these referred to as “vibrating dildos.” A vibrating dildo is more versatile because you can use it internally (by inserting it somewhere) or externally (by placing it against a sensitive spot).

If you’re not down for insertion you may want to look for a vibrator that is not shaped like a dildo. You can find vibrators that are more ergonomic (really!) so they’re easier to hold. You can even find vibrators that are discreet, like the classic lipstick vibrator or this vibrating hammer and night stick. Just toss it in your toolkit and no one will ever know until they try to use it.

Need help finding something that’s right for you or your relationship? Shoot me a message and I’ll answer on my blog.

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Five Things To Try If You’re New In Bed

new in bed?

take a long hard look at yourself son

These are your genitals and they know you better than you know them. That ain’t right.

Getting a mirror and looking at yourself up and down and all around is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

1. You’ll know what you look like and shouldn’t you have a pretty good idea of what you mother fucking look like? It’s your body. Not some stranger air bnb’ing in your pants.

2. If you know what your normal is – you’ll have a better idea of your abnormal. That mole? That spot? That giant abscess? That smell? That color? Don’t just look, take it one step further and document. When do you get discharge? What makes you feel horny? At what occasions do you find it impossible to maintain an erection? I’m lookin’ at you, Johnnie Walker.

then walk it out, walk it out, yeah walk it out

I maintain that the best way to have good, pleasurable sex is to masturbate. If you don’t know what you like, how can you possibly communicate that to your partner? Some people tell me that the only reason they know what they like is because their partner in their infinite wisdom has shown them. I call bullshit. You awaken in yourself. Your partner doesn’t “give” you knowledge that wasn’t already there. TAKE IT BACK! OWN THE NIGHT!

Truthfully, masturbation can play a healthy role in your sex life with your partner. For instance, certain positions are fun but don’t stimulate the clitoris. Many women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. So when you’re upside down and backwards, throw your hand into the mix, and everyone wins. New in bed? Not me.

stop trying so hard to orgasm all the time

While orgasm isn’t necessarily the “end of intercourse” it does often signify the wind-down, especially if you have a slow reload time (time it takes you to be aroused or erect again).

Instead of racing to the finish line, take some time to just enjoy that thing you say you like to do. For fucks sake. Literally.

buy a sex toy

Not because you need to or because you’ll love it but because it’s something I think is worth trying at least once. And there’s so many kinds out there. There’s literally something for everyone. Need help picking it apart? Shoot me a message. We’ll chat.

read some sex blogs (oh hi there)

You don’t know what you don’t know, so don’t not know, you know? The best way to see what’s out there and to learn new things is to read about them. Blogs are a great place to start because they’re often crowd sourced opinions about what sex is actually like. As opposed to say, pornography. While there’s a lot of great pornography being made these days, a lot of what you’ll find on the internet is still mostly unrealistic and filmed by and for men. Wham bam, thank you kind sir.

Here’s the most important thing, the unofficial thing to know if you’re new in bed: don’t expect to know everything all at once. If you’re new to sex, revel in the newness. Know that newness isn’t just about how long you’ve been having sex – it’s an attitude. You can be new to sex for decades before you really get your feet wet. Just open up the tiniest possibility that there’s a lot to know, and it will come in time, when it’s meant to come. Just like you.

Need advice? Submit now!

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How Can You Boost Your Sex Drive?

 My boyfriend and I haven’t been having sex as often. He initiates, but I am just not interested. I can tell he gets sad over it, and we’ve talked about it several times over the last six months. He says it’s just been difficult not having sex as much, and lately I find myself starting to become defensive in these conversations. I am also becoming more careful about how I cuddle/play around with me in order to not lead him on only to later tell him I’m not in the mood. This has been tough too. It’s killing me to feel like such a disappointment, but I think the underlying issue here is sex drive and my general feelings around sex. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend; it’s that I don’t want to have sex with anyone. (Ahem, not even myself.) I have completely lost interest. I keep googling things intermittently, but I don’t know how to boost my sex drive. Do you have any advice for me?

Changes in sex drive are normal. Most people will experience ups and downs in their sex drive throughout their lives. Have there been any changes in your life recently? Stress? Grief? Depression? Any new medications you’re taking? Six months is a long time to experience this kind of change but I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal.

Here’s a question: do you enjoy having sex as often as you currently are? Do you feel satisfied with your sex life? Does your disappointment about your sex drive feel internal (you wish that your drive was what it used to be) or does it feel external (you wish that your drive was what it used to be so you wouldn’t have to see that sad face on your boyfriend.)

No matter the reason, it often becomes a vicious circle. You’ve not been in the mood so many times that when you are in the mood for sex there’s so much pressure to stay in the mood and have sex and have good sex that you rapidly lose the mood.

Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Attempt to remove the pressure from sex by finding other ways to be intimate with your partner. Indicate that you will not be having sex. See if putting sex off limits changes how you feel about having sex. This can also be a good way to become closer by exploring just touching, just looking, just being naked together.
  2. Talk to a counselor or therapist about what you’ve been experiencing and see if they have any suggestions. The root cause of your disinterest could be attached to something else entirely, like something you’re struggling with internally, or how you feel romantically about your partner.
  3. Take the night into your own hands – start thinking about some of the favorite things you and your partner do in the bedroom. Get that image in your head a good hour or two before you let on to your partner that you might want to have sex. Essentially, give yourself a “head start.”
  4. Just let it be – really. It’s okay not to want sex all the time or as much as you used to, if you’re comfortable with it. You may go a while having sex less often and maybe in a few months you’ll be full swing in the opposite direction! Don’t medicalize it, don’t shame yourself for it, and don’t let your partner do either of those things either.

Ultimately what to do next depends on how you feel about this change. If it’s really bothering you because you wish you could be having sex more with your partner, think about looking into some different exercises to find that place again. If you’re comfortable with it and feel like you just want to exist in this space for a while, that’s totally okay too. Just communicate with your partner what you’re feeling in the best way you can, and find ways you can be intimate together that comfortably satisfy those needs for both of you.

Need advice? Submit now and I’ll answer on my blog!

 

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Q: Sex Therapy and Making Things Work Together

Partner and I are looking to strengthen our relationship after a breach of trust. We also have ongoing issues with not being on the same page with our sex life. We are considering seeing a couples and/or sex therapist. 2 questions- 1) what might we expect from seeing a sex therapist? It was suggested to us by a couples therapist on our first visit but seems intimidating. 2) Book suggestions for a couple of bookish people who are a bit skeptical of anything too fluffy or cheesy-self-helpish?

Sorry to hear you’re going through a rough patch. Cheers to you guys for making the effort!

Like any other kind of therapist, the experience you have with a sex therapist will probably depend on the therapist you find, their expertise or area of focus, and what methodologies they use. Without knowing more about what you’re interested in working on, I may suggest finding a general therapist who also has a background in sexuality so you can see the same person to work through a variety of issues. I have never been in sex therapy myself but my understanding is that is pretty similar to what you may already know of regular counseling, just with a heavy focus on sex and relationship dynamics. However, if your issues largely pertain to sex and sexuality, the recommendation to seek one out may be the right call.

Therapy can be super intimidating. Especially when you’re talking about your wants and needs sexually. One thing you may experience is a weird sense of uncomfortable freedom. What I mean by that is, you’ll probably be saying some things you’ve been thinking and wanting to say, but haven’t known how to say. Your partner may tell you things you had no idea what they were thinking. Moments like this are uncomfortable but they are freeing because they create a sense of openness, transparency, honesty, and forward momentum. Odds are that you’ll experience a few moments like this where you feel naked, emotionally. 

Don’t worry about anything too weird, though. Your sex therapist won’t have you strip down and hop up on the table for an interactive demonstration. At best they may assign you and your partner some homework to do in your own time.

As far as book recommendations, here are some books I’ve read and would recommend for a couple struggling with maybe rebuilding their foundation a bit.

I know a lot of these books are just about love and relationship dynamics. That’s because I feel like sexual intimacy often overlaps and intersects with general emotional intimacy. Gain strength in the ability to talk openly, lovingly, and with humor to your partner. Find spaces in those conversations to be real to yourself and what you want. Be vulnerable with one another. I think that’s where connections are made, and those connections are transferable to the bedroom.


Have a question? Need advice? Submit now! (Or learn more about asking HERE!)

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Exploring Sex + Sexuality With Books

Exploring sexuality with just books

A few weeks ago I shared a post about exploring kink through books. A longtime reader and friend of mine pointed out the books were all, uh… fairly advanced. So, what about we take it back to the ABCs?

You can explore sexuality with books!

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, there’s a slew of books out there to walk you through the ABCs of sex, sexuality, gender, relationships, love, and kink.

Here are some of my favorite books (and a few on my must-read list)! These would make great gifts to yourself, your partner, or a close inquisitive friend.

S.E.X. The Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College

One of my favorite, comprehensive guides to all things sex. Buy a copy and keep it near for reference. I do.

Come As You Are

The New Male Sexuality

She Comes First

The epiptome of the oral exam. If you have a vulva or know someone who does, you should read this.

The Return of Desire

Thinking about your sexuality and how it’s evolving as you age? This is a great partner piece to your inner monologue.

Sex for One

Masturbation: it needs a guide of it’s own. Trust me!

More Than Two

Sex From Scratch

The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

Vibrator Nation: How Feminist Sex Toy Stores Changed The Business of Pleasure

Need some help with your gift list? Let me know what you’re looking for!

 

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Life as a Woman

I’m going to transition male to female. As a cis woman, what bits of advice could you offer in the day to day living as a woman, that I haven’t clue about and really would help save time, money and stress? Be as expansive as you want.

I thought a long time about this question because my first instinct when someone asks me “what does it mean to be a woman?” has always been kind of negative. Help rise up others. Try to not get in the way. Be quiet and know when to speak and when not to speak. Dress right for every occasion. Look pretty. Be smart but not in a way that intimidates others.

Gender means nothing but it’s also in everything. We construct ideas of gender. What’s normal or what’s not normal. I say I “suffered” as a woman and that’s what it means to be a woman. But that’s not right. You’ve suffered too. We all do in different ways. I think you might know more about gender than me because you’re asking yourself these questions: what does it mean to be a woman? I didn’t start asking myself these questions, changing the narrative of womanhood, until the last couple of years.

I haven’t fully figured out exactly what being a woman means, but I know it’s not about being quiet and helping other people be happy at the expense of my happiness. To me being a woman is more about finding confidence and an inner truth to who I am as a person. 

A lot of the silly answers I came up with are things that any person could know already and I don’t want to sit here and be patronizing like “did you know you should take your makeup off before bed?” because – well – everyone should wash their face before bed, and maybe you already wear makeup, and maybe you don’t want to wear makeup, and why are these my assumptions to make? 

Be prepared to be completely overwhelmed by messaging towards woman. Not necessarily in a bad way. Every magazine will be shouting at you THIS IS WHO YOU CAN BE. For a long time I feel like we (women) have looked at those messages and tried to make ourselves into this one concept. I feel now, the media is becoming more diverse. Now when I open a magazine I don’t see it as a guide book. I see it as options. What do you want to look like? Who do you want to be? Here are some suggestions to get the idea-juice flowing!

I guess what I’m saying is, what do you want to know about my lived experience? Cause it’s just mine. I hope yours is different! I hope you get the joy of making your life exactly what you want it to be. I think that a lot of the details of living day-to-day as a woman will begin to appear to you as you go through these motions. And that’s probably pretty hard, but hopefully very freeing and fulfilling.

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