My name is Dax and I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and we don’t see one another as often as we want to. We never have phone sex/sexting, which is okay with me, but when we finally get together and the hormones kick in and we’re having sex, it doesn’t go any further than oral sex and masturbating.
We have had a few bad encounters during sex (ie: he couldn’t get hard. Rare but it’s happened before) but the problem is I feel like I’m disconnected because this has been all we’ve ever done. I’d never cheat on him and sleep with someone else but I’m sexually frustrated and we’ve talked about this many times but it seems we always end up in the same place.
He always alludes to the idea of doing more in sex but it’s never definite phrasing (“when you fuck my ass, it’s gonna feel so good”) I don’t want to pressure him into anal sex (I’m vers) and as far as sex goes he’s getting enjoyment from just jerking off but I’m bored of it! I usually masturbate when I’m alone but I don’t wish for it to ALWAYS be a part of my sexual encounters with him. What way can we approach this, as we are adults without it overstepping boundaries and making him feel uncomfortable? Also, he has anxiety and depression, as I nearly forgot to mention.
It sounds like you’ve brought it up in conversation several times, and while you didn’t explicitly say so, I’m guessing that the conversation mostly gets shoved under the rug. It sounds like he’s either totally comfortable with just oral sex and masturbating, or he’s specifically not interested in having penetrative sex for some reason.
I would ask him directly – we’ve talked about it a lot, but we seem to never do it, is there something you’re waiting for or uncomfortable with? It’s something I really want to do but only if you’re equally interested in doing. What do you think?
Once you get an affirmative “yes it’s more than a fantasy, it’s definitely something I’m interested in actually doing” you could try incorporating it into it the next time you have sex. Instead of letting the oral sex and masturbating go on until you’re both finished, shift naturally into penetrative sex by asking: “Do you want to?” Confirming consent can and should be sexy in the moment, and if it’s a very clear yes, onwards! If it’s a no, try to get confirmation of the no from him the next time you’re just talking about it. That way you won’t be wondering “is it a yes or a no? should I keep asking or shouldn’t I?”