Bathrooms and Attitudes about Transgender Rights

Hey Suggestive, Would love to get your perspective on this. I’ve been working on orienting my thoughts around transgenderism and what it means to be transgender, particularly because I do not currently have a friend or even acquaintance group that contains a trans person, at least that I know of. Obviously it is quite a hot button issue with the North Carolina and Mississippi laws, and I’d like to be able to discuss it on a level greater than just attitudes. The chief arguments I see in the anti-trans-accommodation/Matt Walsh camp center around the idea that straight but ill-intentioned men would take advantage of accommodation rules to harass women and children, which further distills to the argument that transgenderism is a mental illness, not an valid identification, and society accommodating this mental illness opens the floodgates While I feel intuitively that that argument is incorrect, I was attempting to leave a facebook comment and realized that I was unable to articulate a convincing reason to believe the opposite. I suppose chiefly I am wondering about the justification for the argument that differentiates transgenderism from other psychological issues, like hoarding for instance. Appreciate any and all thoughts! Thanks, John

Thanks for the submission John! Given that I am not trans* and have only had minimal coursework and trainings on transgender issues, I thought it best to reach out to one of my trans* friends to answer your question. I hope that it provides some valuable points to continue pondering over. 

Thank you, Khai, for sharing your story.

We’ve all heard that being trans is a mental illness, akin to schizophrenia, depression, narcissistic personality disorder, or whatever the diagnosis du jour is. And while many of us know instinctively that trans people are no more mentally ill for being trans than cis (non-trans) people are for being cis, we often aren’t sure exactly how to articulate why we know that.

As a trans man, I spend a lot, and I do mean a lot, of time educating people about what it is to be transgender. As a trans man who also has been diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety, and an autism spectrum disorder, I feel uniquely qualified to tell you the difference between my experience of being trans and my experience of living with a neurodivergent brain. It basically comes down to which treatment leads to the best quality of life.

What that means is, as a trans man, if my identity is respected and I am interacted with as the man I am, then I am a happier, healthier, more productive member of society, less likely to harm myself or suffer severe mental dysfunction. This has been proven not only through my own personal experience, but also through about a hundred and fifty years of psychological, sociological, anthropological, and biological research. Trans people are healthiest and have the best quality of life when we transition or present as and are interacted with as the gender we are, rather than being forced to try to be the gender we were assigned at birth.

Conversely, we know through empirically sound science in all those fields mentioned above that treating the root causes and behaviors associated with true mental illnesses leads to a better quality of life for that individual. No one gets healthier because they are supported in their hoarding habit. No one can face tomorrow because their family acknowledges and encourages their delusions. No one is more equipped for making sound choices because their distorted and intrusive thoughts of suicide are encouraged. These are not realities.

What is pragmatic reality, though, is that trans people and the people around them are happier, healthier, more creative, more engaged, and better equipped to handle their lives when they are accepted as their true gender. It is also pragmatic reality that people are born intersexed (defined here as having characteristics of both male and female or neither male or female chromosomal make up) about 1 in every 100 live births. In other words, intersexuality is about as common as redheadedness, genetically. Now I am not arguing that every trans person is intersexed; I’m merely pointing out the idea that “two and only two separate and distinct and opposite sexes which align with predictable gender roles and presentations” falls apart at the merest inspection, let alone scrutiny.

And as far as bathroom bills go, they’re a violation of the 4th, 14th, and 1st amendments, and they’re about cis people’s discomfort with the idea that trans people might not always “look” trans (whatever that means). No one arguing for bathroom bills like HB2 really cares about the mental or physical health of trans individuals. Any fears other than the one I just outlined have already been addressed in laws that don’t target trans people. These “bathroom” laws exist solely as a political ploy to demonize trans people who are just trying to live authentically… and have nothing to do with anyone’s safety. Anyone who claims differently might just be a pathological liar, and they should really get some help for that–for their own good, of course.


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Required: Mutual Emotional Connection?

Hi, Your openness is deeply appreciated. So, I do not orgasm with my partner, ever. However I am very aroused, wet and it feels amazing. When I masturbate, orgasm is easy, and my mental pictures involve my partner. Even when he is not around I become highly aroused just thinking of him, or a wave of pleasure just happens and I taste or see him in my mind. So why don’t I ever orgasm with him? he is very, very good and is eager to please both of us, nothing is off limits if I agree. I have a long history of making sure the men I am with are well taken care of and I know that is where most of my focus is, and seeing,touching his body causes something similar to a small orgasm…so why never the full orgasm? I am more aroused by him than I have ever been. I crave the sex. I know he cares about me, not love, nor will there ever be anything but occasional sex, and good friendship. Sometimes when he leaves I feel empty, sad. Not always, and we talk or see each other most days. After he leaves, I very quickly have an explosive orgasm by mastubating. I suspect the issue is my thoughts and feelings, relationship desires, and I don’t know what to do to. Please, can you help me sort this out?

When you’re having partnered sex, your attention is often divided. You’re focusing on yourself, you’re focusing on your partner, and you’re focusing on the two of you together. Whether or not this focus is intentional, there’s often more stimuli than being alone, by yourself, with your attention focused on yourself.

For many people it’s this division of their attention that creates the problem. When you’re alone, without a partner, you are able to almost instinctively increase speed, pressure, or angle to get the desired effect. With a partner, this might be more difficult. You may not be able to get the angle quite perfect. If you do get the angle perfect, one or both of you may not have the stamina to continue that position long enough to hit the peak. Many women are hesitant in taking control and using toys or their hands to add stimulation which also creates a huge barrier. Most women require some kind of clitoral stimulation to reach an orgasm and that’s something that often receives a lot of focus in masturbation, hence higher success rates to reaching an orgasm in masturbation than in partnered sex.

Despite this, I think your struggle is a little more, uh, emotional. I find that people often ask for advice when they already know the answer. You end your question with what I think is the answer. You have a good time with him, but the emotional cords are frayed and you can’t fully complete the connection. For some people, this is not optional for having a fulfilling sexual experience. Loving your partner and fully feeling loved back is what allows some to let go and find that sense of release. I sense you are trying to find that connection with your partner through sex but it is not being reciprocated. So, as you near your orgasm, at a moment that you may want to be sexually and emotionally fulfilling, you’re only getting 50% of the deal.

I think it’s important that you question what potential harm you might be causing yourself by continuing a sexual relationship with someone who does not feel quite the same way about you as you do about him. Will this unrequited love hold you back from seeking out a relationship with someone who wants you just as much? Can you accept that this sexual relationship is just a good time between friends, nothing more? If you can’t deal with it, consider breaking ties, and keep looking for that person who really does it for you. If you can deal with it, and think that the culprit of your so-so orgasms might not be emotional, start to be more demanding in the bedroom. If your partner looks like he’s going to orgasm but you feel like your orgasm is only 20% of the way there, hold back a bit, and ask for what you want or need to get the rest of the way there. Try to let your long-standing habit of pleaser gently become the pleased.

Have a question about sex, love, gender, life? Submit at and I’ll answer it on my blog. 


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Why Women Struggle With Orgasms

Women are at a disadvantage for having pleasurable sexual experiences. On a large scale, women’s sexuality is not prioritized or communicated in our culture. I was listening to a great podcast on NPR’s Fresh Air yesterday called “Girls & Sex” where they interviewed author Peggy Ornstein. She is the author of an older, awesome book on gender roles called Cinderella Ate My Daughter.

In this interview she discussed how mysterious the female anatomy is, and how the problems in youth:

  1. When young girls are taught about their anatomy from a young age they are often not given a name for their vagina/vulva like boys are for their penises. This makes it difficult for girls to talk about their nameless parts. If they are given a name, it’s often “private parts” or “personal parts” which isn’t exactly confidence-boosting for having an open conversation.
  2. When describing the female genitalia in health class, it’s often the internal structures (the parts that function to make babies) that are discussed in some depth, leaving the exterior parts in the dark. With the clitoris mostly acting as a way women receive pleasure during sex, it’s no surprise that mislead educators don’t want to share this information.
  3. When one enters High School and expects more adult information about sexuality, conversations focus around heterosexual male pleasure. How to use condoms, how ejaculation for men works, how not to get pregnant. Discussion of pleasure or how that exterior genitalia might function in order to help a woman achieve pleasure goes mostly, if not completely undiscussed.

Women also begin to masturbate much later in life than men do. Women are shamed about their bodies and this often prevents them from exploring. Cultural images of the male masturbation is everywhere. Everyone knows what a jerk-off motion is. With the male genitalia outward and visible, with arousal making the genitalia even more obvious, men gravitate towards self pleasure very easily. With no visual cues for what female masturbation looks like, or where in the mysterious external/internal genitalia to stimulate, women are left bumbling around or looking to pornography for examples.

If you’re a woman who suffers from the inability to orgasm – or feel you have a hard time orgasming, read the following example. Partners of such women will benefit as well.

A woman is in an adult heterosexual relationship. She has been told her whole life that enjoying sex makes her a slut but not enjoying sex makes her a prude. She has spent a lot of time tiptoeing that line of what is or isn’t okay for her to do. She may have started masturbating late in life or she may not masturbate regularly at all. She may have never seen her genitalia with a mirror and she may have never touched herself with any real intention. She hasn’t had an orgasm because her last few adult relationships have been focused on making her male partner satisfied. If her male partner is satisfied she feels like the sex must have been good. The only difference is that this new adult relationship includes a male partner who is interested in making sure that she is having a good time.

She asserts herself: I am having a good time!

He says: But you haven’t orgasmed, have you?

She says: That’s okay! It’s too difficult/time-consuming/stressful for me to orgasm! I’m having a good time without it!

But, they try, anyways. He really wants to make her orgasm. In fact, he judges how good the sex is by how good she feels. But he’s concerned. She’s not very wet, she doesn’t know how to warm herself up, she doesn’t know what warming up looks like, she is self-conscious of her body because she’s never touched it or seen it herself, so when he starts to give her attention, she starts to overthink the stimulation. “I’m just going to relax now and it will feel good. I think this feels good. It’s supposed to so maybe I’m just broken.” He then becomes concerned that he’s not doing his part.

If she does get to the point where an orgasm begins to build, she may not know what those sensations mean. She may say she “feels too sensitive” and ask to stop. This could be because she’s building up an orgasm, it could be because her partner is stimulating her too closely to a spot that has become too sensitive, it could be that she is receiving g-spot stimulation and is unaccustomed to the deeper pressure, it could be that she is going to squirt. No matter the reason, she lets the orgasm die because she is unfamiliar with these feelings. She leaves feeling frustrated for not having proved herself again. Her partner leaves frustrated for not having “made her orgasm.”

I have heard this exact scenario over and over again in my time giving advice. What’s most alarming about this is that it takes maybe 20-30 years of life before her male partner gives her permission to feel good. Without her partner stepping in and saying “you haven’t had an orgasm? lets give it a shot!” what would it have taken for her to own her own sexuality?

From the end of this story, the male partner frequently wonders what he can do to give his female partner an orgasm. This is the wrong solution. No one ever gives someone else an orgasm. In partnered sex, an orgasm is always the effort of two people. That means both partners need to be able to do their share to make it a good time.

The woman will need to step backwards and start from the beginning. The woman should learn about her anatomy, she should sit and masturbate, look at porn, fantasize, use toys. She should orgasm by herself first and become acquainted with her own body and how certain things feel. It’s only after she knows her own body that she can better articulate to her partner what does or doesn’t work for her.

After she gains a basic understanding of her own body she can begin again with partnered sex. From here, the most complicated habit to break will be the one that plagues a good number of women. It’s okay to ask for what you want and it’s okay to be a little selfish. If your partner isn’t open to helping you with this, or being patient with you, they aren’t the right partner.

Do you need advice about sex or love? Do you have a question that’s puzzling you? Is there a subject you’d like to see me write more about? Submit at and I’ll answer it on my blog. 


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Erotic Friendships

No red flags so far BUT she’s 26 and I’m 49. We’re both queer, communicative and seen as emotionally intelligent by one another. See any issues with a mutually-beneficial erotic friendship?

No issues pop out at me, aside from the fact that you’re asking! It might be that you’ve internalized some issues that might later open up as wounds. I would ask yourself if you hold any preconceived notions about your own relationship. Maybe these are things you’ve been concerned about in the past or maybe these are things that other people have, frustratingly, shoved into your conscious. If you find any such notions, ask yourself if you’ll be able to let them go. If you can’t let them go – you might not be able to fully enjoy the experiences you’re going to have together.

Aside from this I would focus on strengthening those communicative bones to create the foundation of your erotic friendship. You’ll form the basics, if you haven’t already. Whether or not you’re monogamously seeing one another (even as friends)! – how you’ll handle safety – and other potential boundaries. Everyone does it differently so as long as you’re on the same page and continue to evaluate that, you’re right as rain!

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Tips for Working on Vacation

It seems like it was just yesteryear I’d roll my eyes casually at the work-obsessed, thinking can’t you just, you know, work when you get home? Now I find myself slowly slipping into a sense of understanding. It’s hard. Especially if you work at a job that you really care for, or have invested a lot of interest in. Checking in with work can actually help you feel sane. It’s like making sure your cat was fed. You know someone else is feeding the cat but if you just check you’ll feel better.

I’ve seen too many people fall down the slippery slope of work email on vacation. I knew before I graduated college that I didn’t want to be one of those people who couldn’t relax or go off-routine. Here are some of my tips and tricks for doing vacation right.

Work extra hard before you leave

Working extra hard before you leave does two things. It makes you feel like you’ve set your job up for the time you’ll be gone, and it gets you really zonked, perfectly prepped for a vacation! Don’t let the vacation lull you in a week early. Use that pre-vacation week to really push through and tie up any loose ends so you don’t have to be thinking about them later. Bonus: Leave yourself a memo on your desk of what you accomplished right before you left and what you should pick up with when you get back. It will give you a starting place so you don’t feel like you’re totally blind.

Utilize 3D Touch

When I was in Canada recently, my boss sent me an email to not check my email. Ignoring the fact that I totally read that one email, I took up her on the advice, and switched my email inbox to my VIP tab. Every time I clicked into my email app, I could only see emails from people I’d set as VIP. Family, close friends, emergency contacts. Even better, I could use 3D touch to tap on the mail app and see if I’d gotten any email from my VIP without even entering into the app. Managing your email this way prevents you from having to scan past potentially stressful work mail.

Delete the apps that stress you out

If you can’t delete the apps that stress you out, try restricting access to them. You can go into your data preferences and say that those apps can only be accessed when you’re connected to wi-fi. If you’re traveling within the country, you’ll always have data. But if you’re outside of the country, access to wi-fi might be less reliable. You’ll be forced to cut ties with some of those addictions temporarily, and you’ll get the shame of seeing how often you check them. “Error!”

Turn off wi-fi, put your phone away

Put your phone away, grab a DSLR or a disposable camera, and go without your phone. Vacation is the time to disconnect. One of my favorite things about my road trip last summer was realizing how little I actually need the internet. We navigated Eastern Oregon with a real paper map and I used a combination of my DSLR and my cell phone (airplane mode) to snap photos. When you don’t give yourself the option to use your phone, you become less tempted to check in and see whats going on. The addiction is real, so push yourself to deal with the stress sweats. They’ll go away quick.

Imagine your ideal vacation

I’m going to go Marie Kondo on your ass for a second, but just envision this ideal vacation. For me the idea vacation is usually waking up and using a super awesome hotel shower, grabbing a cup of coffee, strolling on the beach, laying in the sand with a cocktail, reading a book, going on adventures. In not one mental picture does my vacation involve me holding, looking at, or operating my cell phone. Not. A. Single. One. I’m swimming in the ocean! I’m hiking up a mountain! I’m in a famous museum! Phones not on. Not thinking about work.

So take that ideal vacation and make it happen with action. Put your phone away, and live it.

Schedule Check-Ins

We are just four months away from our European adventure, and we’ll be gone for the better part of a month. That means I’m going to have to check in, at least sometimes. Schedule your check-ins so there is a predictable time daily, or weekly, that you’re immersed in your work. Get exactly what you need to get done, and then shut everything off again. Work on acknowledging the reality that the world does indeed revolve if you aren’t holding it up. Sorry.

Tips for getting started:

Going cold turkey can be near impossible, and just as enjoyable as actual cold turkey. Try doing some of these things in the month before you leave.

  1. Don’t sleep with your phone in your room.
  2. When you wake up, don’t look at your phone first thing.
  3. Dedicate some time each morning before work to do something for yourself.
  4. Treat one day per week (likely your weekend) as a vacation day. Distance yourself from your work, minimize use of your phone, spend time doing things just for yourself. (Also called: self care day)
  5. Keep a journal of the things that stress you out about your job. Think of small ways in which you can remove some of that stress. (Example: You check your work before bed every night and then realize you have trouble sleeping. Step one – don’t sleep with your phone in your room – could act as a solution to this problem.

Have a question about love, life, sex, gender? Need some advice? Submit to and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Q: Is my hookup lying to me?

Q: I went on a date with a girl and later that night I texted her to tell her I had a lot of fun. She texted me back and said that the sex was great, but she’s not interested in seeing me again. Is she lying about the sex? 

It’s difficult to know whether or not she was telling the truth. What’s important to understand is that it doesn’t matter. Whether she’s telling the truth or not, you’ll never know.  In casual sex, your partner may be more willing to fudge the truth because they know they’ll never see you again. That could be the situation with this girl. She had a so-so time but she’d rather say it was a-okay and cut contact after that first experience. Maybe your techniques weren’t her favorite, maybe your chemistry wasn’t super great. She’s throwing you a solid by not crushing your self-esteem. Because you know what? Even if the sex totally sucked for her, it might not be your fault. Why bum you out for nothing?

In committed relationships or sexual relationships where both partners are interested in seeing each other over time, communication is extra important. You need to tell the truth because that sets the stage for how well you’ll grow together over time. The more you tell your partner, the better he gets at knowing what you like, and vice versa.

In this situation, it’s a low risk lie. She won’t see you again so it doesn’t matter.

Of course, it is better to just be open and honest IN THE MOMENT because if you’re going into casual sex to have fun, why put up with a half-assed partner?

So reader, calm your nerves, let it go, and look forward to whatever comes next.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Q: Pegging & Risks of Cancer?

Can the act of anal sex ( pegging) be dangerous for the receiver, health wise. I read in the Web that anal cancer might be connected with anal sex.

Anal sex can be a risk factor for anal cancer. This is because having sex increases the risk of HPV. Having more sexual partners would also increase your risk of anal cancer, because you’re putting yourself at higher risk for HPV, and therefore higher risk of anal cancer. The rectal tissue is also delicate, and tearing in the rectum can make it easier to spread STDs.

However, things like smoking, and being over the age of 55 can also increase your risk for anal cancer. I don’t want to overstate how worried one should be. Some men may still fear discrimination when speaking about their sexual health with their doctors. Being able to speak openly and comfortably about your concerns with your doctor is important. You’ll want to be able to ask these questions and get the appropriate and medically sound advice or tests if a concern arises.

There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex. Knowledge is power – so know how STDs can be contracted and what the potential side effects of these STDs are. Carry condoms with you and speak openly to future partners about their sexual health.

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Q: He hates when anyone else touches him, whats the deal?

Question:: How would you define this person? My friend is a 38 yr old male who hates for anyone to touch his penis while having sex. He is bi but can only pleasure himself with his own hand while giving male/female oral sex. I think it’s odd and numerous sexual partners have broken up with him over this issue. I’ve told him he has some issues to deal with. But is it normal or does he have something wrong with him?


I’m not certain what your relationship is with him, and why you’re getting involved, but if there’s some sort of sexual relationship between the two of you, I’d suggest asking him directly why he has this preference. Seems obvious, I know, but let’s just get it out there. If you’re just curious because you’re close friends and this strikes you as odd, maybe your position is simply as the bewildered confidant.

My first guess is that he might have issues with ejaculation – coming too quickly – and wants to have control. If he were to give someone else the ability to take the wheel he wouldn’t be able to pace out intercourse in a way he’s accustomed to.

Other potential explanations: he has issues staying hard and needs to stimulate himself a certain way, he has insecurities about his penis, he’s very sensitive and finds that other people touching him causes him discomfort, he’s had bad experiences in the past and is still struggling to move on, he’s got a specific jerking-off-in-peoples-faces-kink, or… it just so happens that this specific act is the thing that gets his rocks off the best/easiest.

In the case of it’s just what he digs, man maybe he should be honest with himself and others and seek out partners who don’t think its strange. If it’s an issue of control, sensitivity, or insecurity, he might need to work through some things – with the right partner – to make a more fulfilling connection.

Have a question? Submit at and I’ll answer it on my blog.


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When Your Interests Are Met With No

Hi. I am a male but want my wife to peg me treating me as the woman after feminising me – making me wear ladies apparel. But she is averse to the idea of both pegging and feminisation. How to convince her? I want to have anal with my wife and find no pleasure without being feminised and being treated as sub and a woman.

Thank you so much for writing in, this is a really common question on my blog! It is also very interesting because the language is usually the same. How can I convince her? 

You can’t and you shouldn’t convince someone to do something that they have already admitted to not wanting to do. I don’t believe that’s healthy and I don’t necessarily think it leads to a consensual and open-minded sexuality.

It’s also important that you say you find no pleasure without these things. To me, that makes this question one of the upmost importance. My assumption being that your current sexual relationship with your wife is one that is not satisfying.


This is step one. Stop trying to convince your wife. Change your language, and change your game plan. When people message me it usually means they’ve hit a wall and feel like they can’t make any more progress with the discussion. That means your wife is probably really, really irritated, and sick of the conversation. So don’t have it again. Instead, procure some kind of written text on what you’re interested in trying. A book about BDSM is typically where I point people, but you may want to print something specifically from the internet and highlight the relevant bits. Then, in a non-sexualized setting, sit down with your partner. Tell her that you understand her disinterest. Then express the importance of this to you. Tell her you want to see if there is some way you can find compromise together. Then let her know that if she’s interested in having the conversation again, she should come to you.

Then let it rest.


If she never comes back to you and says “oh I thought a lot about it and read what you gave me and I’d like to try a little twist on some of this” then you’re going to have to think about how you can work on this yourself. For instance, you could close your eyes and fantasize certain things when you are with your partner. You could get yourself off in your own time with these specific fantasies and then practice a different type of partnered sexuality.


If I’m being frank, many times people stumble into situations like this and realize it’s more a case of incapability. For many people, sexuality is a lifestyle. Their sexual preference are very important to them. And not having those specific needs met means a deep seeded unhappiness that filters in to other aspects of their lives. It may influence their well-being. It might seem silly to say “if I cannot be feminized then I cannot be happy” but who is to judge what does or does not make you feel whole? Not me. It may be important to consider your relationship as a whole. Given that you are married, I imagine that you’ve been together for a while, and that your relationship has otherwise been happy and fulfilling up until this realization. That may not actually be the case. Give this some time and really think about whether or not you can find ways to experience the satisfaction you’re looking for. If the answer is no, you’ll need to think about what that ‘no’ is going to mean for you.

Do you have a question? Submit at and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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How Can I: Taking Control

I recently started dating and sleeping with a new partner. The sex is phenomenal and things are going really great. He is in a high-powered job with a lot of authority and responsibility so in the bedroom he wants me to be the one taking charge. My question(s) are 1) what steps can I take to get more comfortable with this and 2) how can I encourage him to take charge of me sometimes?

These are very common curiosities, so I’m glad you asked!

Your very first task will be to ask him what exactly turns him on. Be sure to ask it from both directions, because asking it one way might give him more ideas than the other.

1. What turns you on about me being in charge?

2. What turns you on about being submissive?

Be forewarned, his response might be completely useless to you at first. He might say something like “uh, I dunno, I just want you to be in charge, you know?” That’s because the feeling you get when someone else takes control is kind of hard to explain. You know what it feels like and you know what to look for, but if you haven’t experienced it too often, you won’t exactly know what to ask for!

So, actually, strike that. Before you even ask these questions your first task is to figure out what exactly makes you feel uncomfortable. If you don’t know what you’re doing yet, why are you uncomfortable? Well, that’s exactly it. The unknowing. The unfamiliar. I can’t tell you to “just feel comfortable” (feel what you feel) but I can tell you that you ought not be too afraid, because no one is going to tell you to do anything you don’t like to do. At least not here.

I believe that anyone can “take control” even if they don’t consider themselves a dominant person. I believe that because the act of making him feel submissive doesn’t mean you have to feel dominant. Really, truly.

So ask him what he’s interested in doing.

Some examples might be: you tying him up, you being on top, you spanking him, you bossing him around, you asking for exactly what you want, you not letting him orgasm, the list goes on and on and on. These things can be magnified depending on his preferences. Does he have certain phrases that really work for him? Example: He asks you to stop doing something and you say “No, I don’t want to stop yet!” (Warning: Always have a safe word, even if you aren’t sure if you’ll use it or not. A safe word is something you say when you want your partner to stop immediately.)

Your state of mind here is what is flexible. Some women find themselves comfortable in this position naturally. Others find themselves enjoying it once they give it a shot. For others, they don’t get anything out of being in control, but they do get something out of seeing their partner enjoy themselves so much. Give yourself some time to figure out which one you are.

How can you encourage him to take charge of you sometimes?

Same thing, but in reverse. Ask for exactly what you want, the best you can. “I want you to take control” is less clear than “I want you to push me down, be rough with me, I want you to say these specific dirty phrases to me.” The more detail you give, the better. This will give him some things to draw to when he’s actually in the act of “being in control.” If he’s not a naturally dominant person, or if he’s worn out on being dominant during the day, he’ll just draw from the list of things you’ve provided him that you enjoy.

Note that being in control or being controlled might be mood dependent play. If you (or if he) is interested in doing this, it doesn’t mean you (or he) will be interested in doing it all the time. Give yourselves time to practice these roles. Don’t push yourself into the more dominant role when you’re feeling more submissive. Don’t push him into the dominant role after he’s had a long and tired day. Communicate with one another about what types of sex you’re looking for. “I want something slow tonight.” “Will you ____ with me tonight?”


Finally: your point about being a new couple is important.You have great sexual chemistry now, but over time you will have to see if that chemistry translates into compatibility. Asking these questions early, being honest and upfront, is all very crucial in developing the sexual aspects of your relationship.

Good luck!

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