Old Posts & Advice Columning

Hi Lo! Is there a way to search an old blog post in which you gave advice from years back? The post had given advice on facing/tackling school loan debt in response to an anonymous question. If so thanks so much in advance!

Thanks for asking! I removed the search feature a while back because I wanted to discourage reading old posts as much as possible. That’s because I’ve had my blog for over ten years, and in that span of time, my knowledge base and my opinions have both changed exponentially. So has the way that I write. Some of my older posts include language or advice that I would no longer recommend using. I’m happy to answer the same question over and over again because it allows me to include new tidbits that I’ve learned since I last answered the question.

I think this is the post you’re looking for.

This is a good opportunity to mention that I’ve re-opened email responses on my blog.

I would highly encourage people to continue submitting their questions and prompts to my web form. This allows me to share the response to your question publicly, so more people can benefit from the information. But, I know, sometimes a question might be especially personal. It might require a little back and forth. In these circumstances, please email me at ask@suggestivetongue.com. I’m also very happy to just have discussion with readers about subjects that they find difficult to understand.

xx st

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Q: How can I learn to be a more successful dater?

I have been single for nearly 8 years, and it’s been almost a year since I last had sex. I masturbate when I need to, and that’s that. This bothers me. I’ve tried looking for women, going on dates, going out with friends in social settings, etc. Nothing seems to work. I work full time during the week and go to the gym every day. In general I’m very busy, which I realize isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, despite this, I find myself very lonely. Tinder/Facebook/dating websites just aren’t cutting it. What can I do to have more success?

Everything I’m about to say is going to sound profoundly annoying, and I apologize in advance. I’m one of those wack jobs that thinks dating is all about positive mentality. That’s because dating is horse shit and online dating is horse shit and our culture of click-bait has turned every dating profile into a chance to sell some newer, better, made up version of yourself. If people don’t like what they see they can bail out. If they do like what they see, they might see five, six, seven others in the time it takes you to respond. We’re also a culture of flakes. We hella, hella flaky. It’s a simple equation but humans must be shitty at math. Say you’re going to do something + it’s time to do that thing = go do that thing. 

Online dating makes it super easy to just sit and fart on your hands all night jerking off to the sound of everyone swiping right on your fav selfie.

Online dating isn’t a place to just sit around feeling validated all day. Online dating is where people go to find genuine connections. At least that’s what we tell ourselves. But it’s hard. Because there is a huge supply of people who are looking for love and it can be hard to remember that even though there is a huge supply of people, there are probably a very slim percentage of people that you’re actually going to connect with on a level that leads to physical or romantic connection.

So here’s where the positive mentality comes in: every person you meet is an opportunity. There are no missed connections. Message everyone that looks interesting to you. If you see someone on the street that looks interesting to you, compliment them, give them your number, say hello. Instead of expecting each of these people to become the true, one, great love (or lay) of your life, expect them to become really, fantastic, beautiful moments. What are the odds that you saw this woman’s profile? What are the odds that you bumped into this woman on the street? What are the odds that she was before you in line? What are the odds that she is reading the same book as you? What are the odds? I dunno, humans are shitty at math. But I’d say they’re somewhere around so unlikely that you should probably say hello. 

Dan Savage has this line he pulls which I’ve stolen and partially pretended is mine. There are no failed relationships. We live in a society where the only relationships that get to succeed are ones where someone dies before the other one or maybe they both die together in a love grasp like they’re on the fucking Titanic or Jin and Sun from Lost. That’s a shame because there are a lot of good relationships that end way before someone actually dies. Some good relationships just end because they were only meant for a brief glimmer. A Lisa Frank moment, if you will. Bright and beautiful and then gone.

A cynic might take all of these little moments, all of these failed relationships, and say that they are flawed. That they must have bad luck. That they can’t seem to catch a break. I say you should twist that narrative. Just think of how many amazing people you’ve already met. Just because it didn’t turn into whatever we think a real “relationship” is supposed to look like doesn’t mean it wasn’t a valid experience. This is how you feel less lonely. By making connections everywhere.

And I’m a huge asshole because it’s really easy for me to say this in la-la-la-la-laaaaaaa land because I have a relationship. And I know, should I be single, that I would be writing in to my own blog with discontent and a stomach ache and a weird heart-disorder because nothing in the world hurts more than feeling alone. Or not being able to have sex when you’re really, really sick of looking at your hand. But all I have are platitudes. You have to learn to be happy with your own company, somebody out there is gonna love you, you deserve the best. It’s all true but it doesn’t really help, does it?

Being busy is good. Going on dates is good. Going out with friends is good. I generally find the best place to meet a potential partner is through friends. They’re pre-vetted for you and it’s likely you have some things in common. But online dating doesn’t hurt, either. Neither does respectfully, and quickly, approaching someone in person. Why not package them all up into your ultimate dating guide? Anyone and everyone is a potential date!

Here’s the final gut-punch, though. It sure seems like we only find love when we’re not looking for it. So to be completely contrary, do all of the above, but don’t expect to find anything. Just expect to have a good time. If you can leave a date with a smile on your face – or a really, terrible story – I think that’s the definition of “working.” Maybe not working in that you leave with the love of your life, or really great sex, but it’s working nonetheless. And if your date senses “this person had fun with me” instead of “this person is literally dripping loneliness and self-hatred all over me I think my pores are clogged I need to go home and exfoliate” okay you’re probably better off, right?

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog. Or, try to, at least. 

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Results: Walking Alone at Night

When I am walking alone at night I have a little trick that makes me feel safer. I pretend that my final destination is some place off in the distance that I can visibly see. As I start to near that point, I can feel myself becoming calm. I recently asked my readers some questions about walking alone at night.  This sense of fear seems to be something that is felt uniquely by people who frequently feel unsafe because of their bodies. Whether you’re small, or a woman, or trans, or stick out in some other way, you have likely felt like a bit of a target for simply existing. That sense of fear may be amplified when you’re alone at night.

Here are the things I found most interesting in reading your responses (26 thoughtful responses in total), not all responses are included:

Phrasing based on Gender

In my last, most innocuous question, I asked if the reader had any other thoughts about safety or preparedness when walking home alone at night.

Everyone who identified as female used I statements. 

  •  I wished I’d asked for company
  • I think I could probably take more precautions in my safety.
  • Generally I plan events so I don’t have to be out at night.
  • I hate that I have to think so much about it. 
  • I should wear something reflective.
  • Sometimes I wish I had something to defend myself with.
  • I still look over my shoulder in the parking garage of work, check my car, I won’t go into a dark area at night alone,
  • I try to avoid going out at night,especially to isolated places or high crime areas.
  • I avoid it as much as possible and drive anywhere I can after dark. 

Everyone who identified as male used You/One statements

  • If one is in an area that actually IS unsafe or troubled, I would recommend walking in groups of three or more.
  • Streetlights are your friend.
  • The best thing you can do is make yourself a less likely target by appaearing alert and confident.
  • Always plan your route based on your feeling about where you’re traveling though. 

Self-Defense

The one exception to the above were women  who listed that they took some kind of class or training in self-defense. Both the men and the women who had taken some kind of self-defense course used language in their response that indicated they understood a little bit about fear and the fear response. They seemed to write more about preparing for a potential fight rather than avoiding danger by not going out at night. For them it was more about planning for safety than a sense of safety.

What makes people feel less nervous at night?

  • I feel better with well lit streets,
  • Often times, I’ll call a friend or my dad and chat while walking and it makes me feel a lot better.
  • I feel less nervous when I am wearing pants and good shoes.
  • I try to walk down roads with high traffic/ open businesses.
  • Having another person with me significantly reduces my stress level.
  • Clear crosswalks, decent lights, women my age, people speaking Spanish.
  •  Remembering I can outrun lots of threats puts me at ease.
  • Having my dog with me and my pepper spray in my hand makes me less nervous.

Here people do what is within their power to help decrease the odds of running into trouble. I spent a lot of time wondering if these things improved odds of safety or if they were just ways to increase that sense of security. What do you think?

What makes women feel more nervous at night?

  • I tend to feel more nervous if I’m in an area I’m unfamiliar with.
  •  I do not like to be talked to by strangers, and especially feel nervous when I’m the only person walking.
  • People who have been drinking or are clearly high on something other than weed put me on edge.
  • If my phone runs out of battery.
  • Being in an unfamiliar area makes me a bit more nervous,
  • Only feel more nervous when someone appears seemingly out of nowhere.
  • Strange sounds make me nervous.
  • The smell of beer, young white men, rich looking white people.
  • Any men anywhere near me make me much more nervous.
  • When it’s really quiet I get more nervous.

What are women thinking about when they’re walking alone at night?

This is the second question I found most interesting. It seems fairly universal that when women are walking alone at night they are hyper-vigilant. They are aware of every sound, they are aware of every person, they are aware of where they are, what time it is, how easy they are to attack. To be an ally to women and to others who may be at risk, cross to the other side of the street so you’re not following them at night. Do not engage in conversation with someone even if you’re attempting to be helpful.

  • My mind typically wanders, though I am ALWAYS scanning my surroundings.
  • I am usually always terrified. I am always keeping a close eye on everyone around me and looking behind me occasionally.
  • If I am alone I am more alert.
  • Getting to my destination safely. Where is the light? What path is most visible? Where is my view limited? Is someone hiding behind that obstacle? Where is my escape if someone threatens me. What would I use first to defend myself? How easy can I get to my gun? Eyes up, head on a swivel. Look confident, make eye contact. If someone approaches, I try to make sure I have a few yards between us. It gives me enough time to hear something and prepare of they come at me.
  • I’m usually afraid, I check behind me every few minutes, and I try to get past groups of people really quickly if there are any. I used to make a mad dash from my car to my front door when I lived in the suburbs, and now that I’m in the city I just try to get into my building as quickly as possible.
  • I’m almost always alert and scared. I walk quickly, call someone/pretend to talk on the phone if they don’t answer, and usually have my car keys between my fingers to stab if I’m attacked.
  • I try to look around often. I grew up with my mom telling me to “be aware of your surroundings”. So I try to glance around to see if anyone else is walking near me. I always have a general sense of feeling save, until I see someone else walking in the vicinity then I get a little panicked.
  • I don’t listen to music at night so that I can hear everything around me. I scan around me with my eyes, and try to stay in lit places. Depending on the circumstance I walk down the middle of the street rather than on the sidewalk, because I feel like there is less chance of someone jumping out of the bushes.
  • If cars around me are making bad decisions (I’m a regular pedestrian), how slow someone ahead of me is walking, if I can pass them.
  • I like how peaceful it is to walk alone at night, but I am constantly hyperaware of any other people around. Like I almost feel guilty when I enjoy it because it’s “not safe” and I shouldn’t? But I can only enjoy brief moments of the night because I have to be constantly on the lookout for threats.
  • Is there anyone on my side of the street? Is there a safe place I can cross if I need to? Is the area that I’m traveling going to be well lit? Do I have a flashlight? Is my bag heavy enough to defend myself with/if I carry my bag this way will I be less likely to be grabbed? If my hair is in a ponytail will that make it more accessible to grab me by?
  • Feel uncomfortable, nervous. Very aware of my surroundings.
  • Head up, eyes forward, scan for threats, did I tell someone where I was and what I am doing
  • I am very wary and usually I am somewhat paranoid when people come close ,or approach me.
  • I am constantly aware of everything around me. The people, how dark it is, how close I am to my destination.

For contrast, the male responses are below.

  • I try to be aware of my surroundings, both the good and the bad.
  • I live in a generally peaceful community, so I generally perceive camaraderie, or more often, quiet and calm, around me.
  • I feel a sense that there is uncertainty or potentially some fear, but the fact that I am not a typical target puts me at ease…
  • I’m always on low-level alert. I naturally tend to look at the ground as I walk, so I fight that tendency and keep my eyes up and check the cardinal compass points (even straight behind me) every little while. This comes from years of self-defense training, so it’s ingrained at this point. I don’t wear headphones or earbuds at night (during the day I might have one bud in one ear), and I don’t take my phone out of my pocket for any reason.
  • It’s a free-wheeling stream of consciousness, but I’m typically more alert at night.

I wish that I had received more male responses. Your insight to this provided such valuable contrast. I found myself imagining a world in which I could walk and just enjoying my surroundings without being broken out of that enjoyment (and frequently) to re-evaluate my safety. It was also interesting to learn that men do have a low level alert system that sounded in many ways like the same system women have.

Finally almost everyone who submitted a response indicated at some point that they had pretended to be more brave, more strong, more confident, or more aggressive in some way than they actually are in order to feel safer or actually make themselves less of a target.

Didn’t get an opportunity to participate? Leave your thoughts on walking alone at night in the comments below. 

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Should Fertility Tracking be Taught in Sex Ed?

I’d like to know more about the Creighton Model and your thoughts on if it should be part of the sex ed curriculum for young women

I’m a supporter of comprehensive sexual education. I think that the sex education that young women and young men get should start sooner and should include pretty much everything. This can be done in ways that are age appropriate. There is no reason that High School aged women and men shouldn’t be receiving every bit of information about sexuality that is available to us. Most people start having sex around the age of seventeen. That means that they should be given enough information to make smart choices much much earlier than seventeen. 

Having more information allows us to make well-educated decisions.

The Creighton Model is essentially a standardized method of tracking ovulation, otherwise known as fertility tracking, or fertility awareness. I jokingly say that it’s also called family  planning because you often end up with a family if you use fertility tracking. It is not as reliable as other forms of birth control. Family planning also has a somewhat tricky background in religion. This method shouldn’t be chosen as a last resort or an only resort. It should be intentional and it should be chosen with full-knowledge of what it entails, same as any other method.

Fertility tracking can be done in different ways. You can mark your cycle on a calendar, you can take your temperature every morning,  or you can rely on the patterns in your cervical mucus. Many people document all of the above. You must keep close track of your cycle and be vigilant about documenting and charting fertility signs. For many people it can be easy to lapse in documentation. It is not recommended for people who are not very, very serious about paying very, very close attention to their bodies. Even with good documentation it can be important to look for cycle  length and to know what is normal for you. This means that you may need to document your cycle for months before you glean anything useful from your data.

Those who are just learning about reproduction, their bodies, and sex, may benefit from a more reliable method of birth control. Particularly if they are young, do not want children, or don’t want to get an abortion. Something like an IUD or the birth control pill might be a better option. Condoms can also be used in conjunction with fertility tracking to make this method more reliable. We should trust youth to make smart decisions about their bodies and what is best for them but we cannot expect them to make smart decisions without proper knowledge.

The entire system needs to be redone to be more inclusive for non-cis/hetero folk, to incorporate pleasure into the mix, and to create a more comprehensive framework for the protection and enjoyment of all people in all types of sexuality. I am all for including  fertility tracking into the curriculum, and I think that it needs to be firmly planted amongst a whole host of other options. Not providing this option with other options would be irresponsible. Even if we aren’t framing it as family planning, fertility tracking, or ovulation tracking, women and men need to know the menstrual cycle well enough that they understand how women’s bodies work. Information about ovulation, the fertile window, cervical mucus, and other ways the body might change throughout the menstrual cycle should be at the CORE of any sex-ed curriculum.

Did you receive any information about fertility tracking in your sex-ed? Do you wish you would have? Do you track your cycle? How? Do you find it useful? Would you rely only on a model like this to prevent pregnancy? Are you looking for non-hormonal ways to prevent pregnancy? Do you just like to know what’s going on in your body? Get in touch and let me know what you think about family planning or visit www.suggestivetongue.com/ask to ask a question of your own. 

 

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Super Anorgasmia

Hi there, I very recently found your blog, and I really appreciate all the posts and answers you’ve given. You’ve written about the female orgasm a few times now, and unfortunately this will be another one. I read through the other articles, but still haven’t found something that helps, unfortunately. My question is mainly: how do I know if I’m anorgasmic? I’m in my early 20s, and have been masturbating since about puberty (thank you pillows and showerheads). I’ve never had negative experiences or prejudices, I’m quite open about my sexuality, and my partner is incredibly supportive and helpful. However, I have yet to orgasm. Ever. My partner has described what an orgasm feels like to him, and I’ve seen it, but I’ve never had an experience like it before. I have tried multiple toys (the most powerful being the We-Vibe Tango), my partner does his best to pleasure me, and I really do enjoy the process, but I’ve just never been able to reach the big-O. I either feel like peeing, go kinda numb, or the sensation just fades away, and the process can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours. There is no “tipping point”, no feeling of “completion”, as it were. I have tried deep breathing exercises, attempted to simulate Kegel (without Kegel balls as of now), used porn/erotica, and still nada. It’s not bringing me down, I don’t feel “broken”, but I’m just curious and want to experience it, if possible. What’s your opinion/advice on this?

By definition it sounds like you may be anorgasmic. Primary anorgasmia is defined as someone who has never had an orgasm. However, labeling a woman’s lack of orgasm anorgasmia bothers me on a somewhat personal level. A lot of women have difficulty orgasming because of shame around sexuality, shame around their bodies. A lot of women have difficulty orgasming because they’ve never been taught how to orgasm. A lot of women have difficulty orgasming because they are on prescribed medications – medications that are often overprescribed – that limit their ability to become aroused. Why should something that is so common – a lack of orgasm – be medicalized when our culture is often to blame? How can we restrict knowledge about sexuality, call women sluts for having sex, prioritize male pleasure, and then tell women they have a medical condition if they make it to their 20s without having an orgasm?

You’ve done a lot of the work for me by bypassing this – but a post like this should not be done without saying it. Many, many, many women do not come by orgasms easily, and many women make it to their 20s without experiencing an orgasm. [As a side note, I found it interesting that it’s been two years since I wrote (this post)]

If you’ve had no negative experiences, are open about your sexuality, and have a sex-positive partner that you are physically and emotionally into, you’re way ahead of the game. I would agree that if you aren’t sure if you’ve had an orgasm you probably haven’t had one. I would take the time to think about these questions in addition: Do you feel physically aroused and mentally aroused when you are having sex? Does one come first and the other second? Does one fade after a while during a session? Determining if it’s physical arousal or mental arousal that’s the struggle can help some people. Are you on any medications that you feel limit your physical or mental arousal?

It’s hard to have an orgasm before you’ve had an orgasm because if you don’t know what it feels like, you can’t determine how close you are, or what you need to get you over the edge – or tipping point, as you said. Arousal will build before an orgasm. It sounds like you might get to this point and then it kind of fades away and you’re unable to get back to it.

The fading feeling sounds like a combination of mental and physical arousal. To combat this I’d recommend never going into bed with the goal of orgasming. Go into bed with the goal of feeling good the entire time you’re in bed. If something starts to not feel good, change what you’re doing. This tackles the mental component by allowing you to let go and just have fun. It tackles the physical by reminding yourself and your partner to focus on what physically works for you in each moment. That means it’s fine if he wants to go down on you for 30 minutes, but after 5 minutes, if it stops feeling exciting, ask for something else. Learn to read your body and what it wants.

My opinion is that what you’re experiencing isn’t abnormal, it’s just frustrating. You haven’t found what works for you yet, but you’re doing the right thing by experimenting with lots of different things and communicating with your partner. If at some point the frustration builds further, it may be of some help to discuss with a therapist or a doctor. Particularly if you feel that this may be a medical issue (ex: a symptom of drugs you are taking or depression). Though I think it’s less common for it to be a medical issue, that doesn’t mean that it’s never a medical issue. They may be able to provide further professional opinions that could help give you suggestions on how to proceed. I hope it turns around for you soon!

Have a question about sex or love? Submit to www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Are Hormones A Good Enough Excuse?

My girlfriend and I were having a bit of an argument well it just so happens to be that time of month for her. Well she used the hormone excuse and tried to blame her mood on her period. I being just like any male, have no clue what a period does to their partner during that time of month. My question is how much of a change occurs during a females period and is it enough to blame her hormones?

Thanks for reaching out! It has nothing to do with you being male. So many women don’t know what happens during their period, either. I would caution with the language you used in this post, however. The hormone excuse to blame her mood. Women are often expected to be bright and cheerful all the fucking time. Your hormones are an easy tag warning, but it doesn’t mean that those feelings weren’t already there.

It could be the difference between: “I’m sorry I said that, I’m so hormonal, I didn’t mean it” and “I’m sorry I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what I was going to say before I said it. That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot but it should have been better articulated.”

I like to be nice. I’m plagued with nice. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. When you’re trying to say something difficult to your partner, you want it to come out the best way possible. You care about them and it’s important to be kind. It’s also important to be clear so they hear what you’re saying and they hear the intention being what you’re saying.

But sometimes, when you’re tired, and your hormones are doing wacky things, and you’ve just spent the whole day with period diarrhea, and your lower back hurts, and you’ve got blood clots coming out of your vagina, and you have this weird little migraine, all you want to do is say exactly what you’re thinking exactly the way you’re thinking it. Even if it does sound wrong coming out of your mouth. Even it it can be misinterpreted. Even if it does start an argument.

It’s not a woman thing, it’s not a man thing, it’s just a person thing. Women just get to pull themselves back into the nice box with “it’s just my hormones.” Men, typically, will need to find other reasons for their sensitivity or lack of tact. Maybe a real heteronormative example will help pull that curtain away.

Your name is Dr. Dick Johnson and you’ve just had a very hard day at work. You come home and you’re a little sensitive because you’ve got all of these stress hormones up in your brain meats. Does having a rough day at work mean you’re unable to manage your emotions? Nope. You’re a real adult and you can manage your shit. Does it mean that you may be a little more sensitive than usual? Might you say something to your wife that you later regret because you’re tired and your feet hurt? Maybe so! Sometimes managing your shit isn’t easy! Sometimes you don’t spend just the right amount of time thinking about everything you’re going to say before you say it.

Sometimes you say something, and you have to say “sorry, I’m really hormonal” or “sorry, I’m really stressed out.” I mean, ultimately, don’t these mean the same things? Cortisol is the primary stress hormone, after all.

It sounds dumb, but please go read the wikipedia page on the menstrual cycle. Men and women, everyone, all of you. Stop as things get confusing and look up extra resources online. I do this myself every now and then because there is just a lot to know. Humans are complex beings and women in particular have a lot going on with all those moving bits and pieces. It’s no easy business to make a human. Sometimes, at the end of the day, we let our hormones lead the way in the places we feel most comfortable. With our family, our friends, or partners. These are safe spaces to be ourselves. Sometimes our selves can be a real jerk.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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He Isn’t Finishing – What Should I Do?

Sometimes my boyfriend doesn’t finish – cum – orgasm during sex. He usually says that it’s because he loses feeling or the usual, not everyone orgasms every time they have intercourse. No problem, I know that’s normal, it happens to me too. I’m concerned on what to say, how to handle it. Usually we take a break and then can try again later, sometimes it works, sometimes not. I don’t want to be condescending or make him feel bad. I usually say “that’s ok babe, no worries, we can try again later if you want”. Is there a different way I should handle this? Something else I should say, do?

It sounds like you’re both handling it pretty well! And you’re absolutely right – not every man or women orgasms each time a penis goes into a vagina. And that’s perfectly okay. I think the best thing that you and your partner can do is continue viewing sexuality in the way it seems you’re viewing it right now. The sex is or was still enjoyable despite the inability to continue in the way you were. Stop, try again later, or continue being physically intimate in some other way. It can be frustrating if you’re not on the same page, but like you said, it just happens. Sometimes it will be you, sometimes it will be him. Removing the expectation that it will never happen will allow the both of you to have a less stressful, more enjoyable time together.

Have a question about sex, love, or life? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

 

 

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Never Had an Orgasm: Why You Should Just Give Up

I’m 26 and I’ve never had an orgasm… I’m a woman and I’ve been in many happy and sexual relationships with men. I just can’t orgasm. I don’t know what to do, am I broken?

FFS, I’m just kidding, never give up!

You’re not broken! There are so many reasons why a woman may struggle to have an orgasm. For your first orgasm, especially. It’s not until you have one orgasm that you know what it feels like, how it builds. The first orgasm can shed an immense amount of light on how to have future orgasms.

Some women struggle having orgasms because of societal pressure to please men. They aren’t demanding orgasms. Women should demand orgasms. If they don’t orgasm during penetrative sex this doesn’t mean that the sex is done. Sex is continuous – before – during – and after penetration. Sometimes sex occurs entirely without penetration. Let’s repeat that. If you’re having sex with a man and he orgasms this does not mean that the sex is over. It simply means that unless he has a very quick reload time that the sex is going to continue in a different way until you orgasm too. If you find penetrative sex to be too stressful, or if you find it difficult to get you off, try having sex with no penetration at all.

Some women struggle having orgasms because of religious upbringing. There is a strong shame attached to sexuality which prevents them from fully exploring their bodies. They may even have restricted access to critical information about their own bodies. That information is hidden from them as if their vagina were the enemy. That mentality can make connecting with your body even harder.

Some women have been through traumatic sexual experiences which make relaxing and releasing more difficult actions for the body to take part in. Some women are shy by nature, introverted, some women are not supremely sexual by nature.

Masturbation is probably the easiest way to orgasm for the first time.

  • Get over the mental hill

If you’re touching yourself and you’re not aroused, it’s just going to feel like you’re touching yourself. Like you’re touching your elbow, or your knee, or your thigh, or any other piece of skin. Focus on hitting a good mental space first.

  • It’s going to take longer than you think, so just enjoy it

Getting in the right mental state might take longer than you think. Even if you’re in the right mental space, it might take much longer to orgasm than you think it’s going to. (The first time might take just a few minutes but it could take an hour!)

  • Use porn or erotica to help get in the right mental state

Porn or erotica can help you get in the right mental state. Just poke around and see what interests you.

  • Focus only on clitoral stimulation

The clitoris is where the most nerve endings are packed. Very simply put, that high concentration of nerve endings means more sensitivity which means more arousal. Forget jamming a phallus in and out, find a spot near the clitoris (or find your clitoris) and start there.

  • Make your goal to feel good

The number one problem people seem to have is stressing out about their inability to orgasm. Stressing out can prevent the orgasm from happening. What’s the point of orgasming if you aren’t having fun to begin with? Focus on feeling good. If you’re doing it right, you won’t want to orgasm.

  • Remember the sensitive bits get even more sensitive

If you are focusing on your clitoris remember that it might become more sensitive as more blood flows to the area. Move your hand away from it if it becomes too sensitive. Rubbing in the general area of your clitoris will still provide indirect stimulation.

  • Flex your kegels

This might be a little advanced if you haven’t ever orgasmed, but knowing how to flex your kegel muscles can assist in delaying orgasms, speeding up orgasms, or even having more powerful orgasms. The kegels are what you flex when you are holding in the need to pee.

  • Close your eyes

For fucks sake just relax for a minute.

  • Blast off

Theoretically.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Reader Feedback: Squirt Guns

I received to followup comments for (this post) that I wanted to share. Have thoughts about female ejaculation? Leave them in the comments below!

Hi! I’m the reader who asked about squirting! I’ve been with my current partner for 6 months and he is very attentive to my needs. I just turned 30, and let me tell you, sex only gets better as you get older! I would say it’s the best sex I’ve ever had, consistent orgasms with him, consistent pleasure and arousal levels, we want the same amount of sex and are both very turned on and comfortable with each other. Quite honestly, it was normal sex with him, nothing fancy or different. I was riding him and had a very deep, intense orgasm. Probably more g-spot stimulation than usual due to the angle. It felt a little like I had peed myself but in a pleasurable way. Which, since Ive never experienced FE, was a little scary! There wasn’t a lot of fluid but it was a thin fluid and it made sex super slippery. He honestly had no idea it had happened, thought I just had orgasmed and gotten wetter. He was thrilled when I told him what happened and wanted to try again! We don’t try for it every time we have sex, it hasn’t happened again, but to know that it’s real and possible for me is awesome!

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I had a boyfriend who helped me learn how to squirt by watching an instructional video. After I learned how, it would happen randomly… usually when I was on top. I still can if I try to do it, but it’s not random anymore. I personally have to feel extremely safe and comfortable with the person I’m with in order to do it. It’s kind of a vulnerable thing for me. My experience with squirting has always been through gspot stimulation. It feels different from a regular orgasm. For me not quite as intense. Sometimes it feels like I’m peeing, but other times I don’t know I’ve squirted until the bed is soaked.

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Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog!

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Rethinking Single

A friend of mine recently asked: are some people just meant to be single?

Being Single To Heal

Sometimes you need to be single to heal from an emotionally unhealthy, abusive, or otherwise emotionally traumatic relationship. Sometimes you need to be single to heal from a relationship that you were not ready to end. When you’re single after a traumatic event you allow yourself time to grieve and determine what you want next in a relationship. Sometimes this grieving period happens within a relationship (some people are “single” long before they leave a relationship) but it never hurts to give yourself time on your own to really recalibrate. Being single can prevent you from jumping into a relationship that may share some of the same troubles your previous relationship had.

Being Single To Grow

Sometimes you need to be single because you’re ready to love, but you’re not ready to co-exist. A relationship requires more than love. It requires traits that allow you and your partner to maintain a healthy connection. If you’re struggling with something difficult, you may benefit from being single while you find your footing. It’s incredible to have someone help us through the day-to-day and elephant sized problems that life throws at us. But it’s not fair to intentionally use a partner as a crutch when we are unwilling to work hard to fix the problem. Give yourself time to grow as a person to figure out how you can be the best partner you can be.

Being Single to Appreciate the Self

I used to know this guy, let’s call him Ted. Ted was a nice person but insecure about is inability to find a functional relationship. Ted would spend a lot of time regurgitating the same tired conversation. “Why doesn’t anyone like me? I’m a good guy, I could be a good boyfriend!” Ted wasn’t a “nice guy.” He didn’t complain that other guys were getting the girls he should have gotten. There wasn’t any benevolent sexism. He wasn’t trying to save women. He just bummed a lot that he wasn’t in a relationship. Ted spent too much time being depressed that he wasn’t dating. In turn, Ted forgot that he was already in a relationship with himself. His constant frustration with the dating world made him an unattractive partner because he wasn’t out there enjoying the life he already hadA relationship can improve your life, but it’s not the magic cure all if you have an unhappy attitude.

Being Single to Work Hard

Some people are single because they’re in course work or career work that makes having a sustainable relationship impossible. Sometimes it makes more sense to focus on other parts of their life first before settling into a relationship. Much like Being Single to Grow, the person who is working hard believes that a relationship requires a lot of attention and they may not be in the best place to have a relationship at this time. Some people who work hard find relationships with other people who work hard and understand how to balance the work/life already. Other people date someone for a long time and then start to work hard once they’ve created a strong foundation in their relationship that allows their partner to assist in maintaining that work/life balance. However you go about it, finding ways to incorporate work, hobbies, friendship, family, love, sex, and individualism altogether can take a lot of practice. Some people choose to take on one at a time until they know they can add something else to the act.

When Love Isn’t Finding You

A healthy relationship can often feel easy, even if it’s hard. A healthy relationship allows room for you to heal, grow, appreciate and care for yourself, and work hard on individual goals. You’re the only one in your life that knows whether or not you’re ready to be in a relationship or not. But just because you’re ready to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean a relationship is ready for you. That can make being single feel like a defeat. You’re ready for love. Why isn’t love ready for you, too?

Being Single for The One

You’re ready for a relationship but you’re starting to get down because you’re not finding the right person. Maybe you’ve had a lot of really bad relationships and you’re feeling defeated because everyone else is finding love. Do everything possible to avoid comparing your life to someone else’s life. Comparison is the Dementor of joy. Sometimes someone is single because they know what they’re looking for and they haven’t found it yet. This isn’t a bad place to be, even if it can feel lonely sometimes. I believe we have a lot of the ones. People that we’re compatible with, given the right opportunity. Keep an eye out for these people and be single until you find them.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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