Are Hormones A Good Enough Excuse?

My girlfriend and I were having a bit of an argument well it just so happens to be that time of month for her. Well she used the hormone excuse and tried to blame her mood on her period. I being just like any male, have no clue what a period does to their partner during that time of month. My question is how much of a change occurs during a females period and is it enough to blame her hormones?

Thanks for reaching out! It has nothing to do with you being male. So many women don’t know what happens during their period, either. I would caution with the language you used in this post, however. The hormone excuse to blame her mood. Women are often expected to be bright and cheerful all the fucking time. Your hormones are an easy tag warning, but it doesn’t mean that those feelings weren’t already there.

It could be the difference between: “I’m sorry I said that, I’m so hormonal, I didn’t mean it” and “I’m sorry I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what I was going to say before I said it. That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot but it should have been better articulated.”

I like to be nice. I’m plagued with nice. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. When you’re trying to say something difficult to your partner, you want it to come out the best way possible. You care about them and it’s important to be kind. It’s also important to be clear so they hear what you’re saying and they hear the intention being what you’re saying.

But sometimes, when you’re tired, and your hormones are doing wacky things, and you’ve just spent the whole day with period diarrhea, and your lower back hurts, and you’ve got blood clots coming out of your vagina, and you have this weird little migraine, all you want to do is say exactly what you’re thinking exactly the way you’re thinking it. Even if it does sound wrong coming out of your mouth. Even it it can be misinterpreted. Even if it does start an argument.

It’s not a woman thing, it’s not a man thing, it’s just a person thing. Women just get to pull themselves back into the nice box with “it’s just my hormones.” Men, typically, will need to find other reasons for their sensitivity or lack of tact. Maybe a real heteronormative example will help pull that curtain away.

Your name is Dr. Dick Johnson and you’ve just had a very hard day at work. You come home and you’re a little sensitive because you’ve got all of these stress hormones up in your brain meats. Does having a rough day at work mean you’re unable to manage your emotions? Nope. You’re a real adult and you can manage your shit. Does it mean that you may be a little more sensitive than usual? Might you say something to your wife that you later regret because you’re tired and your feet hurt? Maybe so! Sometimes managing your shit isn’t easy! Sometimes you don’t spend just the right amount of time thinking about everything you’re going to say before you say it.

Sometimes you say something, and you have to say “sorry, I’m really hormonal” or “sorry, I’m really stressed out.” I mean, ultimately, don’t these mean the same things? Cortisol is the primary stress hormone, after all.

It sounds dumb, but please go read the wikipedia page on the menstrual cycle. Men and women, everyone, all of you. Stop as things get confusing and look up extra resources online. I do this myself every now and then because there is just a lot to know. Humans are complex beings and women in particular have a lot going on with all those moving bits and pieces. It’s no easy business to make a human. Sometimes, at the end of the day, we let our hormones lead the way in the places we feel most comfortable. With our family, our friends, or partners. These are safe spaces to be ourselves. Sometimes our selves can be a real jerk.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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He Isn’t Finishing – What Should I Do?

Sometimes my boyfriend doesn’t finish – cum – orgasm during sex. He usually says that it’s because he loses feeling or the usual, not everyone orgasms every time they have intercourse. No problem, I know that’s normal, it happens to me too. I’m concerned on what to say, how to handle it. Usually we take a break and then can try again later, sometimes it works, sometimes not. I don’t want to be condescending or make him feel bad. I usually say “that’s ok babe, no worries, we can try again later if you want”. Is there a different way I should handle this? Something else I should say, do?

It sounds like you’re both handling it pretty well! And you’re absolutely right – not every man or women orgasms each time a penis goes into a vagina. And that’s perfectly okay. I think the best thing that you and your partner can do is continue viewing sexuality in the way it seems you’re viewing it right now. The sex is or was still enjoyable despite the inability to continue in the way you were. Stop, try again later, or continue being physically intimate in some other way. It can be frustrating if you’re not on the same page, but like you said, it just happens. Sometimes it will be you, sometimes it will be him. Removing the expectation that it will never happen will allow the both of you to have a less stressful, more enjoyable time together.

Have a question about sex, love, or life? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

 

 

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Never Had an Orgasm: Why You Should Just Give Up

I’m 26 and I’ve never had an orgasm… I’m a woman and I’ve been in many happy and sexual relationships with men. I just can’t orgasm. I don’t know what to do, am I broken?

FFS, I’m just kidding, never give up!

You’re not broken! There are so many reasons why a woman may struggle to have an orgasm. For your first orgasm, especially. It’s not until you have one orgasm that you know what it feels like, how it builds. The first orgasm can shed an immense amount of light on how to have future orgasms.

Some women struggle having orgasms because of societal pressure to please men. They aren’t demanding orgasms. Women should demand orgasms. If they don’t orgasm during penetrative sex this doesn’t mean that the sex is done. Sex is continuous – before – during – and after penetration. Sometimes sex occurs entirely without penetration. Let’s repeat that. If you’re having sex with a man and he orgasms this does not mean that the sex is over. It simply means that unless he has a very quick reload time that the sex is going to continue in a different way until you orgasm too. If you find penetrative sex to be too stressful, or if you find it difficult to get you off, try having sex with no penetration at all.

Some women struggle having orgasms because of religious upbringing. There is a strong shame attached to sexuality which prevents them from fully exploring their bodies. They may even have restricted access to critical information about their own bodies. That information is hidden from them as if their vagina were the enemy. That mentality can make connecting with your body even harder.

Some women have been through traumatic sexual experiences which make relaxing and releasing more difficult actions for the body to take part in. Some women are shy by nature, introverted, some women are not supremely sexual by nature.

Masturbation is probably the easiest way to orgasm for the first time.

  • Get over the mental hill

If you’re touching yourself and you’re not aroused, it’s just going to feel like you’re touching yourself. Like you’re touching your elbow, or your knee, or your thigh, or any other piece of skin. Focus on hitting a good mental space first.

  • It’s going to take longer than you think, so just enjoy it

Getting in the right mental state might take longer than you think. Even if you’re in the right mental space, it might take much longer to orgasm than you think it’s going to. (The first time might take just a few minutes but it could take an hour!)

  • Use porn or erotica to help get in the right mental state

Porn or erotica can help you get in the right mental state. Just poke around and see what interests you.

  • Focus only on clitoral stimulation

The clitoris is where the most nerve endings are packed. Very simply put, that high concentration of nerve endings means more sensitivity which means more arousal. Forget jamming a phallus in and out, find a spot near the clitoris (or find your clitoris) and start there.

  • Make your goal to feel good

The number one problem people seem to have is stressing out about their inability to orgasm. Stressing out can prevent the orgasm from happening. What’s the point of orgasming if you aren’t having fun to begin with? Focus on feeling good. If you’re doing it right, you won’t want to orgasm.

  • Remember the sensitive bits get even more sensitive

If you are focusing on your clitoris remember that it might become more sensitive as more blood flows to the area. Move your hand away from it if it becomes too sensitive. Rubbing in the general area of your clitoris will still provide indirect stimulation.

  • Flex your kegels

This might be a little advanced if you haven’t ever orgasmed, but knowing how to flex your kegel muscles can assist in delaying orgasms, speeding up orgasms, or even having more powerful orgasms. The kegels are what you flex when you are holding in the need to pee.

  • Close your eyes

For fucks sake just relax for a minute.

  • Blast off

Theoretically.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Reader Feedback: Squirt Guns

I received to followup comments for (this post) that I wanted to share. Have thoughts about female ejaculation? Leave them in the comments below!

Hi! I’m the reader who asked about squirting! I’ve been with my current partner for 6 months and he is very attentive to my needs. I just turned 30, and let me tell you, sex only gets better as you get older! I would say it’s the best sex I’ve ever had, consistent orgasms with him, consistent pleasure and arousal levels, we want the same amount of sex and are both very turned on and comfortable with each other. Quite honestly, it was normal sex with him, nothing fancy or different. I was riding him and had a very deep, intense orgasm. Probably more g-spot stimulation than usual due to the angle. It felt a little like I had peed myself but in a pleasurable way. Which, since Ive never experienced FE, was a little scary! There wasn’t a lot of fluid but it was a thin fluid and it made sex super slippery. He honestly had no idea it had happened, thought I just had orgasmed and gotten wetter. He was thrilled when I told him what happened and wanted to try again! We don’t try for it every time we have sex, it hasn’t happened again, but to know that it’s real and possible for me is awesome!

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I had a boyfriend who helped me learn how to squirt by watching an instructional video. After I learned how, it would happen randomly… usually when I was on top. I still can if I try to do it, but it’s not random anymore. I personally have to feel extremely safe and comfortable with the person I’m with in order to do it. It’s kind of a vulnerable thing for me. My experience with squirting has always been through gspot stimulation. It feels different from a regular orgasm. For me not quite as intense. Sometimes it feels like I’m peeing, but other times I don’t know I’ve squirted until the bed is soaked.

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Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog!

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Rethinking Single

A friend of mine recently asked: are some people just meant to be single?

Being Single To Heal

Sometimes you need to be single to heal from an emotionally unhealthy, abusive, or otherwise emotionally traumatic relationship. Sometimes you need to be single to heal from a relationship that you were not ready to end. When you’re single after a traumatic event you allow yourself time to grieve and determine what you want next in a relationship. Sometimes this grieving period happens within a relationship (some people are “single” long before they leave a relationship) but it never hurts to give yourself time on your own to really recalibrate. Being single can prevent you from jumping into a relationship that may share some of the same troubles your previous relationship had.

Being Single To Grow

Sometimes you need to be single because you’re ready to love, but you’re not ready to co-exist. A relationship requires more than love. It requires traits that allow you and your partner to maintain a healthy connection. If you’re struggling with something difficult, you may benefit from being single while you find your footing. It’s incredible to have someone help us through the day-to-day and elephant sized problems that life throws at us. But it’s not fair to intentionally use a partner as a crutch when we are unwilling to work hard to fix the problem. Give yourself time to grow as a person to figure out how you can be the best partner you can be.

Being Single to Appreciate the Self

I used to know this guy, let’s call him Ted. Ted was a nice person but insecure about is inability to find a functional relationship. Ted would spend a lot of time regurgitating the same tired conversation. “Why doesn’t anyone like me? I’m a good guy, I could be a good boyfriend!” Ted wasn’t a “nice guy.” He didn’t complain that other guys were getting the girls he should have gotten. There wasn’t any benevolent sexism. He wasn’t trying to save women. He just bummed a lot that he wasn’t in a relationship. Ted spent too much time being depressed that he wasn’t dating. In turn, Ted forgot that he was already in a relationship with himself. His constant frustration with the dating world made him an unattractive partner because he wasn’t out there enjoying the life he already hadA relationship can improve your life, but it’s not the magic cure all if you have an unhappy attitude.

Being Single to Work Hard

Some people are single because they’re in course work or career work that makes having a sustainable relationship impossible. Sometimes it makes more sense to focus on other parts of their life first before settling into a relationship. Much like Being Single to Grow, the person who is working hard believes that a relationship requires a lot of attention and they may not be in the best place to have a relationship at this time. Some people who work hard find relationships with other people who work hard and understand how to balance the work/life already. Other people date someone for a long time and then start to work hard once they’ve created a strong foundation in their relationship that allows their partner to assist in maintaining that work/life balance. However you go about it, finding ways to incorporate work, hobbies, friendship, family, love, sex, and individualism altogether can take a lot of practice. Some people choose to take on one at a time until they know they can add something else to the act.

When Love Isn’t Finding You

A healthy relationship can often feel easy, even if it’s hard. A healthy relationship allows room for you to heal, grow, appreciate and care for yourself, and work hard on individual goals. You’re the only one in your life that knows whether or not you’re ready to be in a relationship or not. But just because you’re ready to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean a relationship is ready for you. That can make being single feel like a defeat. You’re ready for love. Why isn’t love ready for you, too?

Being Single for The One

You’re ready for a relationship but you’re starting to get down because you’re not finding the right person. Maybe you’ve had a lot of really bad relationships and you’re feeling defeated because everyone else is finding love. Do everything possible to avoid comparing your life to someone else’s life. Comparison is the Dementor of joy. Sometimes someone is single because they know what they’re looking for and they haven’t found it yet. This isn’t a bad place to be, even if it can feel lonely sometimes. I believe we have a lot of the ones. People that we’re compatible with, given the right opportunity. Keep an eye out for these people and be single until you find them.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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The Female Squirt Gun: Or, The New Hit Lawn Game for Summer 2016

What are your thoughts and feelings about squirting/female ejaculation? real or myth, something the porn industry has mainstreamed? I ask this because I recently had a very intense orgasm with lots of fluid, which made me wonder about this topic. Thanks!

Female ejaculation is undeniably real and it’s always super bizarre to me that people say it’s not real. What is often contested is what it is, why we do it, how we do it, and if everyone can do it. Though they are doing some research on female ejaculation there still seems to be a general air of confusion over all of those questions. A more recent study from 2015 claimed that there were two kinds of female ejaculation. Some where women emit some urine, and some where women also emit a prostatic-specific antigen (PSA), from the equivalent of the prostate gland. Like most studies about female sexuality, I’ve never felt entirely satisfied with the results. They always feel a little forced and inconclusive. I do think that the porn industry has mainstreamed squirting in a way that is positive for women who, previously, may have felt embarrassed about the experience.

I’d love to know more about your experience if you’d like to share it with my readers! Did the FE happen after g-spot stimulation? Clitoral stimulation? Did your orgasm feel different? Do you feel that you could replicate the experience? Other readers who have squirted, send me your stories. Is this something that happens regularly and how does it impact your sex life? Let me know in the box below and I’ll share it on my site!

Do you squirt? Do you want to experience more g-spot orgasms? Visit SheBop Portland’s favorite female-friendly sex toy boutique to explore highly rated and reviewed products. You can buy toys, videos or books, and even a special blanket to keep your bed fluid-free.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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Exploring Fantasies at Different Stages of Relationships

The most asked question on my blog is “how can I ask my wife to peg me?” Without a doubt, once every couple of months, someone asks me this question. Actually, they phrase it “how can I get my wife to peg me?” which implies “how can I convince my wife to do something without having an open conversation about my desires?” As if one day ones wife comes home with a  strap-on and says “I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS, BEND OVER” with zero discussion. (This is a super awkward post to be writing in public when the people next to me can definitely see my screen.) This is not the way you want to be pegged. Maybe it’s less work this way. If your wife just brings it up serendipitously. But it’s pretty unlikely. That’s why you need to advocate for yourself and your interests.

Discussing sexual preferences before you enter into a relationship is really important. You want to date someone who is interested in doing the same things you’re interested in doing. Sometimes you don’t always know what you’re interested in, so exploring on your own can be a big help. You don’t want to spill the whole bag of cats on the first date, so figure out what is important to you, and how you can clearly articulate that to someone. Are you dominant? Are you submissive? Do you like kink? Are you more vanilla – do you prefer quiet, intimate sex? Do you dislike exploring? Are you happy with the way things are? Are you super open-minded? Do you like expanding your boundaries over time? Find someone who seems somewhat aligned with you. If it’s comfortable, bring up some of your preferences more specifically at the start.

Humans are complex and they change. What you thought, felt, and experienced at the start of your relationship might change over time. After a couple of years you might want to try something new that you’d never wanted to try before. You might not be interested in the same kinks. You might shift your preferences temporarily or even permanently. Expressing a new fantasy to a partner who knows you well can feel kind of uncomfortable. Even if this is the person you tell everything to. A new fantasy, or a kinky fantasy, might feel a little bit like you’re rocking the boat. You might wonder what bringing up this fantasy will do to your relationship. If they know I want to get pegged, will they think of me the same way? What if I tell them this fantasy and they say no? Can I be happy if I don’t have this experience?

I advise that you take these conversations slowly over time. For some partners, the answer might be a resounding “yes, I’d love to try that thing!” For others, they may feel discomfort, fear, uneasiness, or confusion. Especially for something like pegging, which many women are not familiar with. Discuss your interest in whatever thing you’re interested in trying, and provide your partner with information about what it is and how to do it. Explain how much you want to try it and allow them a good amount of time to think it over and look it up on their own. If possible, find a compromise or a baby step towards that thing. Pegging, for instance, could start with small toys, instead of a full strap-on. A full on sub/dom relationship could start with spanking or handcuffs. If you’re really in a long term relationship, you can imagine there’s time to explore, if your partner is open to the process.

If it is a new relationship and your partner has zero interest in exploring and you feel that this experience is critical to your sexual satisfaction, I feel that’s really important to know early on. It may play a role in whether or not you decide to stay in that relationship. To the most recent person who asked me this question, I hope this helped. Open communication and honesty with your partner can go a long way. Be patient, and consider the details of your specific relationship as you explore this together. Good luck!

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

 

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Dating an Older Man: Or, The Faceless Randoms of Bygone Eras

Hi Suggestive, I think I need some reassurance in my relationship (I’m female, 23 and he’s male, 46. We’ve been together for about 5 months). This is my first relationship ever and my partner has definitely more experience than I do. The part about his past that makes me feel the most insecure is knowing/hearing/imagining all the past sexual experience he has had. He’s always told me that I’m the first one he’s been in love with and with me he has the love and the sex. It’s been hard to get that in my mind automatically because I grew up with and internalized a lot of sex negativity and thoughts related to that. I know he loves me and this relationship is far different than anything he’s had before. But my mind constantly runs with the thoughts of him and faceless randoms doing it. I wish I could rewire my mind and not feel this way but it’s so deeply ingrained in me! How do I begin to unlearn this and have it stick?

I might suggest that the frustration is not necessarily about the people he’s had sex with, but the fact that he simply has more experience than you do. That may be a problem that continues to regenerate over and over again within your relationship. Has he felt this before? Has he done this before?

 When dating with a large age discrepancy it can be a real downer if everything new and exciting is something your partner has already been there, done that. Of course, this depends entirely on your partners attitude about the situation. Some people have a joie de vivre that makes every situation feel thrilling and new. They are able to experience high levels of joy over and over again. Others wallow in a sense of I’ve already done this and waft disinterest to their parters. These are horrible people and you should avoid them at all costs. Just kidding. Mostly. Not really.

If we’re talking about sex, I wonder what his attitude towards your sexual relationship is. He assures you that he has the love and the sex, but do you feel that from him, too? (

I feel as though your brain is giving you a warning. If you are uncomfortable with something, listen to that discomfort. Do not try to rewire your brain. Why do you feel uncomfortable? What is your discomfort telling you to do? If it’s saying “I cannot completely be okay with this, even though I do not know why” that is a perfectly okay thing to feel. Sex positivity does not mean, and will never mean that you have to be okay with everything related to sexuality. It certainly does not mean you have to listen to your current significant other talk about previous relationships, what they did, who they were, etc.

There are some exciting things about dating an older man. He has some experience with what he likes and what he doesn’t like. But every person is different. He’ll be able to show you some things, but you’ll be able to show him some things too. Even if this is your first relationship – which – I think – we should take a second to talk about. This is your first relationship. I’m assuming you mean your first sexual relationship, but it could be your first romantic relationship as well. That’s a huge big fucking deal and frankly I’m not entirely sure that dating someone so far ahead of you in terms of experience is the best idea. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea or that it’s an impossible idea, but I think it presents several unique problems of its own.

Everyone enters into relationships in different places with different experience. This is how it’s always going to be in any relationship you’re in. But the first relationship you’re in helps you set the stage for the next relationship you’re in, and the second relationship you’re in helps set the stage for the one after that. Each relationship teaches you something new about what you want and what you don’t want. I worry that dating someone with so much experience may sway this process into his favor.

Remember that a relationship can and should be what makes you happy, what feels comfortable, what you want it to be. Someone who has been around the block a few times doesn’t get to choose what it looks and sounds like. Is this partner someone who you can explore different aspects of sex and love with openly and honestly? If so, revert back to question one : what does your discomfort tell you? If not, don’t look for any more reasons to stay with him.

Your question included not one line about what you want in your relationship together. Take a step back and think about that openly and honestly and alone and see where it takes you.

Best of luck!

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog!

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Q: Married and Unfaithful, now what?

Im married and have been having an online relationship with another woman. The other woman has found out and is now threatening to tell my wife. I know i must take responsibility for my actions, but aside from the obvious fallout for me, i simply didnt take my partner into mind and right now more than anything do not want to hurt her. I know i should have thought of that before, but i got caught up in affection and attention i found. My relationship with the person online was purely physical but it seems that she has developed feelings for me and now feels that i lead her to believe something more while i was married. Im not looking for you to approve of my mistake, i just want to protect my wife from my mistake because she does not deserve to be hurt due to my selfishness. but im not sure this can end well. Please help.

Thank you so much for reaching out. I think your experience is very common. We experience unhappiness and before we know what has truly happened to us, things unravel and are no longer under our control. No one would approve of this mistake.  I can feel your pain and the pain of the two women involved.

No one wins.

I think that it is very critical that you sit down with your wife and explain what has happened. She needs to hear it from you and she needs to hear it honestly. This is going to be the hard part. It’s kinda like stabbing yourself in the heart over and over again but somehow finding the strength to continue talking at the same time. Express the unhappiness you’ve been feeling and explain how you reacted to that unhappiness. Explain how you understand how you should have dealt with that unhappiness. Allow her to ask questions. Understand that you may not see her or talk to her for a while as she processes this information.There’s no way to know how it will go. Don’t react to her. Think and respond to each thing she says cautiously and honestly. Be sure to apologize.

You should also take the time to apologize to the other woman. You’ve crushed her heart and betrayed her trust as well and she deserves respect. Obviously I would resist having any other communication with her until you figure out what is happening with your marriage.

If you’re staying with your wife, it would be unwise to continue speaking to the other women. It will prevent you from growing forward with your wife and it will continue to harm the other woman. Express this to both of them. They’ll understand, even if it sucks. If you are not staying with your wife, you should give everyone some time to adjust to what has come to light and the changes that are going to occur.

Deciding to stay with your wife does not mean that your marriage is going to continue.

You’ve damaged it beyond whatever damage was already there. Do you want to continue to be married? If so, you’ll need to think long and hard about what it was that pushed you to be unfaithful in the first place. A lack of affection and attention are common reasons for someone to be unfaithful. It’s possible that you were together for 5-10 years or more and the attention and affection you had earlier in your relationship as no longer there. You sought it out where it was found most easily. Relationships shift. Your marriage can shift again, and in a positive way. I would highly suggest marital counseling so you can have someone help you have these discussions. It may be too difficult to go at alone.

Remember that the entire time you were cheating on your wife, you were actively hurting her, even if she didn’t know it. She doesn’t need to know for it to hurt her. You can protect her by being honest and never doing anything like this ever again.

I believe this is the right thing to do.

This trauma may also make you realize that you do not want to stay with your wife. In that case, there are many paths your life might take next. Don’t rush the process. If you don’t want to stay together, or if your wife leaves, I would recommend individual counseling. You can determine what it was that prevented you from working this out with your wife prior to being unfaithful and you can make sure that it never happens again. No relationship that is meant to last forever ends. Everything ends until something doesn’t.

Find some kind of peace in the process.

And, I cannot stress this enough: be honest. As honest as you can possibly be. Be kind to yourself and others. If there is anything else that arises feel free to submit again as many times as necessary. Sending good thoughts to all three of you. I hope that you’re able to find some answers.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit to www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

 

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I Don’t Like Sex Anymore / Abuse and Aversion

Dear Lorelei, Three years ago, I started taking birth control. Suddenly my sex drive dropped, but my ex boyfriend couldn’t handle that. He became abusive, pressuring me for sex, and I ended up hating sex because I had it when I didn’t want to all of the time. Now, I’m with a new partner who respects me and would never push the matter. However, I still feel an aversion to sex and wish I didn’t have to have it ever. I don’t like it when people go down on me, I don’t like sex itself, and anything that should cause me pleasure just causes me to withdraw and detach from the experience. I sometimes will use a strap on, but other than that, I dislike sexual acts. I want to like sex again, and I want to make myself and my partner happy and fulfilled. How might I go about this?

I’m so sorry to hear that you went through this. On a much smaller scale, any kind of pressure to have sex can really prevent arousal from happening. Over time, or with added emotional or physical abuse, it’s completely understandable that you would develop this aversion to sex. I would strongly recommend that you seek out some kind of counseling to discuss the abuse you experienced. Your partner made you do things that you, your body, and your heart weren’t into. That can cause profound change in a person, as well as how they think and feel about themselves and the world. Given what you said about withdrawing from pleasure and detachment, I think counseling could really help you.

In addition, think about what owning your sexuality means to you. What would you like it to look like if your sex life was exactly the way you wanted it to look? Find small ways to express your sexuality by yourself, with your partner, or both. Keeping a journal about these thoughts could help. The goal is for you to mean every single yes that you give. To know, without a doubt, that the yes is yours. Having a partner that respects your boundaries will be a great help. Respecting yourself and the pace you need to take will also be a great help.

At the start you may just talk to a counselor, or write in a journal. You might not feel you’re practicing a sexuality of any kind. However: the absence of what we consider sexuality is often times a certain kind of sexuality in itself. Create that foundation for you to continue building back towards whatever you want your sexuality to be. It may not be exactly what your new partners sexuality is, and that’s okay, too. Often times when we’re with a partner we share some interests and don’t share others. When you get to the point where you want to begin working together, find a place where you have common ground. Explore areas that feel safe, comfortable, and fun. 

I’m glad you are in a better situation now, best of luck moving forward.

Have a question about sex or love? Don’t not know. No question too simple or complex. Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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