Erectile Dysfunction Junction

Do you have any advice for coping when your partner suffers from low libido and erectile dysfunction? This was a communicated issue from the beginning of our relationship, but as work and other life issues have become more stressful his interest in sex has become non-existent. We haven’t had any sexual interaction in almost 2 months. It has left me feeling unloved and undesired but also a bit resentful as he’s not willing to see a doctor. The rest of our relationship is great but I miss the physical aspect of it. Do you have any suggestions?

There are a lot of reasons why someone may experience difficulty getting and staying erect. My assumption based on your post is that his low libido and his erectile dysfunction are connected and likely one in the same. It’s easy to jump to medicalization. Men are taught to connect a lot of their masculinity and their identity to their power, their sexuality, their penis. If their penis doesn’t work the way they want it to, it’s easier to discount that as a dysfunction – something that is outside of their control.

In many cases, low libido and the ability to get or stay hard are things that can be diagnosed at home, without going to see a doctor. My first question is always “what has changed?” and you answered this in your question. Work and other life issues have become more stressful. It’s impacting his ability to get in the zone (low libido) which influences what his penis is doing.

There are a lot of things that can influence libido and make it hard to get and stay erect. Life changes, life stress, depression, and medication are all super common reasons whys someone may not be able to put on their once predictable level of performance. Not to oversimplify this, but when the libido goes, it can be a huge shock to the system for anyone. Especially if your sexuality is deeply rooted in your identity.

It sounds like your partner knew that stress impacted his interest in sex and warned you ahead of time that this may come up. It sounds like your partner needs to find some ways to relax and detach from the stresses of his work and his life so that he can find the mental space for sex again. If he is depressed, medication may help, but medication could also further deplete his interest in sex. Having someone to talk to about the stress of work (a therapist) might help. Working together to find ways to wind down at the end of the day might also be of some help.

It’s hard to sit by and feel helpless when your partner is having a rough go of it. Your struggle as their partner is equally valid. Try to work together to find ways where your needs can be met in other ways. There are a lot of ways to be physically intimate that don’t require his penis to be hard. Exploring some of these options can help you feel more fulfilled, and may even boost his libido when he least expects it.

Massages, cuddling, naked cuddling, using sex toys together, masturbating, oral sex, fingering, dirty talk, pornography, or literotica. Having him be more attentive in other ways may fill some of the gaps.  Have him take a moment and chat with you at the end of the day with no distractions, go away on a short vacation together to re-connect, have a meal out or cook a meal together, read books together, play video games together, do some of the things you used to do together at the start of your relationship. Discuss ways where you can both initiate these things so it’s not all on him or all on you.

Finally, look at the issue you’re having holistically. I’m not saying going to see a doctor would be a bad thing, or that it wouldn’t help, but make sure that if he’s seeing a doctor he’s also considering the other things in his life that may be contributing to his libido that can’t be eased with the wonders of science. You’ll both be better off for putting in that thought, and that work, together. Good luck, and I hope this gets harder soon.

Have questions about sex or love? Submit at Ask Suggestive and I’ll answer it on my blog! Goal for this week: When your partner is going through a rough time, what is one thing that really makes them feel appreciated? We so often think of what we would want in moments of crisis, but this isn’t always the same as what our partner would want in a moment of crisis. Discuss care packages with your partner and how they can combine both emotional and tangible assistance as you work through difficult times together. 

Continue Reading

Q: Communication Culture & Consent

A reader wrote in asking for my thoughts on a youtube video about communication prior to sex and how we give consent. Feel free to give the video a quick watch. It’s only about four minutes long.

I know that I have written things in the past that I would not longer endorse or feel good about sharing with my readers. I hope that the author of this video feels similarly and takes her feedback into consideration as she produces more videos.

I feel that the video creates a dangerous and murky kind of consent.

We should ask our partner to clarify if they do not communicate clearly. This is a great point – on the surface. But she begins by saying that consent culture implies a lack of trust. As a viewer of her video, and as someone who has very clear cut ideas about what consent means, this is really confusing.

While it’s true that we should check in with one another if we feel that things aren’t 100% transparent, I felt the video turned consent into a game where one is constantly trying to decipher their partners verbal and nonverbal communication. This gives consent too much wiggle room. Consent doesn’t get wiggle room.  If the subject of consent is not clear, you should not have sex. If you are in the bedroom ready to have sex and consent is not clear, the bedroom is not the time to figure out why consent is not clear.

This idea of consent being clear can live side-by-side with communication culture. If it’s not clear if your partner wants to have sex, you don’t sit there and talk about it until you feel good enough with their yes. You put on sweatpants and you go watch Netflix and then you have a deep, five to seven hour long conversation about your feelings like any other couple.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit to Ask Suggestive and I’ll answer on my blog.

Continue Reading

Q: I’m toxic, he’s toxic. Only with each other.

Weve been together for 4 years and 8 months. Im toxic. Hes toxic. Only with eachother. We are very pleasant when we arent miserable. I think im worse than he is though. His mom did everything for him growing up-she picked out all his clothes and made his plate and served it to him, cleaned his room and washed his dishes. So i had to teach him EVERYTHING. This quickly became a burden for me. I started getting frustrated at him not knowing or not plugging two and two together or not seeing something directly in front of his face. I started bitching everytime he did something stupid or being unable to double task. This made him MASSIVELY insecure. Scared to tell me anything. Totally walking on eggshells around me. After while of that he started getting pissed off at me when i bitch. I dont give a rip so he started lecturing me for hours. I was emotionally unresponsive so hed throw .Psycho. tantrums. I learned that he was punching himself and hitting himself with a walking stick(hed done it through childhood). He stopped hitting himself since i told him i would leave him if he ever did it again. Now a year or so later we are still bitching and fighting and hating. Ill learn a lesson and then a month later he starts doing what i was doing and then he learns the lesson. We run in circles. We were staying in an apartment on his parents property, and they recently kicked us out(Im almost 22 and hes almost 23). I did ALL of the work except for 3 large bookshelves and some last remaining dishes. He was conveniently absent the week it took me to move us out. We got into a really big fight over that. He moved out the rest of the furniture and two months later those dishes are still there untouched. A couple years ago he made me quit my job and stay home, and that lasted for a year, i feel indebted to him. After all of this fighting and one-sided work ive crashed. Crying for a week straight . Ive been bitching and hes been immature. Ive stopped moving, stopped eating and drinking. He started doing all of the cooking and the laundry. But things are stacking up. He doesnt do the dishes or put things away. It really bothers me that i can take care of us and the house by myself and him not touch me or do anything special or intimate. But since ive crashed he cant hold things together. Or get himself together for our relationships sake. I know i can change but i distrust him. Hes not as strong as me. Heres the kicker. Our goals, dreams, ideals, morals, and hearts are exactly aligned. Aside his genetic lack in muscle definition being physically unattractive to me(Which prohibits me from wanting kids with him), we both can see each other together until the end. I love who he is, but i hate what he can become. And i know he feels the same way about me. We want to fix things, but i feel utterly hopeless. I just want to run away from this madness. I can be absolutely happy if i leave. But i feel like it might be best to work through this even though im absolutely defeated and depressed. I dont know when the breaking point for such insanity should be. Ive been so abusive the i should have left him a long time ago for HIS sake. He refused because im his first love. But i destroyed him. I dont know what to do.

Reader, I feel like you already know the answer to your question, and you are trying to find another way.  If I may, here are some direct quotes.

Im toxic. Hes toxic. Now a year or so later we are still bitching and fighting and hating. I know i can change but i distrust him.  Aside his genetic lack in muscle definition being physically unattractive to me. I just want to run away from this madness. I can be absolutely happy if i leave.

You have been with this person since before you were 18 years old. This is likely the only person that you know, truly, as a romantic partner. It is so hard to leave our first love. But love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Neither is “wanting the same things.” It sounds like you have reached an impasse. A moment where progress is no longer possible. It seems that you have been trying for years to make this relationship be the way you want it to be. If you have been together for 4-5 years, how many years of your relationship were simply peaceful, enjoyable, happy? You are only toxic with one another – isn’t this the toxicity that impacts you most as a couple? Shouldn’t this statement be one of high importance?

You are both exhausted. You cannot see a future with him. Not one where you have children together, not one where you experience joy in mutual sexual attraction, not one where you are trusting and kind. You know that you can be happy without him but you also seem to know that you cannot be happy with him. Do not feel defeat. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Do not feel guilty. It was not your job to make it last forever in spite of all of this.

Sometimes it feels like leaving is the hardest thing you could ever do but maybe staying is the hardest thing you could ever do. If every day feels like a battle and you’re not even sure what future you’re fighting for, why are you fighting?

ask advice // suggestivetongue.com/ask or ask@suggestivetongue.com

Continue Reading

Old Posts & Advice Columning

Hi Lo! Is there a way to search an old blog post in which you gave advice from years back? The post had given advice on facing/tackling school loan debt in response to an anonymous question. If so thanks so much in advance!

Thanks for asking! I removed the search feature a while back because I wanted to discourage reading old posts as much as possible. That’s because I’ve had my blog for over ten years, and in that span of time, my knowledge base and my opinions have both changed exponentially. So has the way that I write. Some of my older posts include language or advice that I would no longer recommend using. I’m happy to answer the same question over and over again because it allows me to include new tidbits that I’ve learned since I last answered the question.

I think this is the post you’re looking for.

This is a good opportunity to mention that I’ve re-opened email responses on my blog.

I would highly encourage people to continue submitting their questions and prompts to my web form. This allows me to share the response to your question publicly, so more people can benefit from the information. But, I know, sometimes a question might be especially personal. It might require a little back and forth. In these circumstances, please email me at ask@suggestivetongue.com. I’m also very happy to just have discussion with readers about subjects that they find difficult to understand.

xx st

Continue Reading

Q: How can I learn to be a more successful dater?

I have been single for nearly 8 years, and it’s been almost a year since I last had sex. I masturbate when I need to, and that’s that. This bothers me. I’ve tried looking for women, going on dates, going out with friends in social settings, etc. Nothing seems to work. I work full time during the week and go to the gym every day. In general I’m very busy, which I realize isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, despite this, I find myself very lonely. Tinder/Facebook/dating websites just aren’t cutting it. What can I do to have more success?

Everything I’m about to say is going to sound profoundly annoying, and I apologize in advance. I’m one of those wack jobs that thinks dating is all about positive mentality. That’s because dating is horse shit and online dating is horse shit and our culture of click-bait has turned every dating profile into a chance to sell some newer, better, made up version of yourself. If people don’t like what they see they can bail out. If they do like what they see, they might see five, six, seven others in the time it takes you to respond. We’re also a culture of flakes. We hella, hella flaky. It’s a simple equation but humans must be shitty at math. Say you’re going to do something + it’s time to do that thing = go do that thing. 

Online dating makes it super easy to just sit and fart on your hands all night jerking off to the sound of everyone swiping right on your fav selfie.

Online dating isn’t a place to just sit around feeling validated all day. Online dating is where people go to find genuine connections. At least that’s what we tell ourselves. But it’s hard. Because there is a huge supply of people who are looking for love and it can be hard to remember that even though there is a huge supply of people, there are probably a very slim percentage of people that you’re actually going to connect with on a level that leads to physical or romantic connection.

So here’s where the positive mentality comes in: every person you meet is an opportunity. There are no missed connections. Message everyone that looks interesting to you. If you see someone on the street that looks interesting to you, compliment them, give them your number, say hello. Instead of expecting each of these people to become the true, one, great love (or lay) of your life, expect them to become really, fantastic, beautiful moments. What are the odds that you saw this woman’s profile? What are the odds that you bumped into this woman on the street? What are the odds that she was before you in line? What are the odds that she is reading the same book as you? What are the odds? I dunno, humans are shitty at math. But I’d say they’re somewhere around so unlikely that you should probably say hello. 

Dan Savage has this line he pulls which I’ve stolen and partially pretended is mine. There are no failed relationships. We live in a society where the only relationships that get to succeed are ones where someone dies before the other one or maybe they both die together in a love grasp like they’re on the fucking Titanic or Jin and Sun from Lost. That’s a shame because there are a lot of good relationships that end way before someone actually dies. Some good relationships just end because they were only meant for a brief glimmer. A Lisa Frank moment, if you will. Bright and beautiful and then gone.

A cynic might take all of these little moments, all of these failed relationships, and say that they are flawed. That they must have bad luck. That they can’t seem to catch a break. I say you should twist that narrative. Just think of how many amazing people you’ve already met. Just because it didn’t turn into whatever we think a real “relationship” is supposed to look like doesn’t mean it wasn’t a valid experience. This is how you feel less lonely. By making connections everywhere.

And I’m a huge asshole because it’s really easy for me to say this in la-la-la-la-laaaaaaa land because I have a relationship. And I know, should I be single, that I would be writing in to my own blog with discontent and a stomach ache and a weird heart-disorder because nothing in the world hurts more than feeling alone. Or not being able to have sex when you’re really, really sick of looking at your hand. But all I have are platitudes. You have to learn to be happy with your own company, somebody out there is gonna love you, you deserve the best. It’s all true but it doesn’t really help, does it?

Being busy is good. Going on dates is good. Going out with friends is good. I generally find the best place to meet a potential partner is through friends. They’re pre-vetted for you and it’s likely you have some things in common. But online dating doesn’t hurt, either. Neither does respectfully, and quickly, approaching someone in person. Why not package them all up into your ultimate dating guide? Anyone and everyone is a potential date!

Here’s the final gut-punch, though. It sure seems like we only find love when we’re not looking for it. So to be completely contrary, do all of the above, but don’t expect to find anything. Just expect to have a good time. If you can leave a date with a smile on your face – or a really, terrible story – I think that’s the definition of “working.” Maybe not working in that you leave with the love of your life, or really great sex, but it’s working nonetheless. And if your date senses “this person had fun with me” instead of “this person is literally dripping loneliness and self-hatred all over me I think my pores are clogged I need to go home and exfoliate” okay you’re probably better off, right?

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog. Or, try to, at least. 

Continue Reading

Results: Walking Alone at Night

When I am walking alone at night I have a little trick that makes me feel safer. I pretend that my final destination is some place off in the distance that I can visibly see. As I start to near that point, I can feel myself becoming calm. I recently asked my readers some questions about walking alone at night.  This sense of fear seems to be something that is felt uniquely by people who frequently feel unsafe because of their bodies. Whether you’re small, or a woman, or trans, or stick out in some other way, you have likely felt like a bit of a target for simply existing. That sense of fear may be amplified when you’re alone at night.

Here are the things I found most interesting in reading your responses (26 thoughtful responses in total), not all responses are included:

Phrasing based on Gender

In my last, most innocuous question, I asked if the reader had any other thoughts about safety or preparedness when walking home alone at night.

Everyone who identified as female used I statements. 

  •  I wished I’d asked for company
  • I think I could probably take more precautions in my safety.
  • Generally I plan events so I don’t have to be out at night.
  • I hate that I have to think so much about it. 
  • I should wear something reflective.
  • Sometimes I wish I had something to defend myself with.
  • I still look over my shoulder in the parking garage of work, check my car, I won’t go into a dark area at night alone,
  • I try to avoid going out at night,especially to isolated places or high crime areas.
  • I avoid it as much as possible and drive anywhere I can after dark. 

Everyone who identified as male used You/One statements

  • If one is in an area that actually IS unsafe or troubled, I would recommend walking in groups of three or more.
  • Streetlights are your friend.
  • The best thing you can do is make yourself a less likely target by appaearing alert and confident.
  • Always plan your route based on your feeling about where you’re traveling though. 

Self-Defense

The one exception to the above were women  who listed that they took some kind of class or training in self-defense. Both the men and the women who had taken some kind of self-defense course used language in their response that indicated they understood a little bit about fear and the fear response. They seemed to write more about preparing for a potential fight rather than avoiding danger by not going out at night. For them it was more about planning for safety than a sense of safety.

What makes people feel less nervous at night?

  • I feel better with well lit streets,
  • Often times, I’ll call a friend or my dad and chat while walking and it makes me feel a lot better.
  • I feel less nervous when I am wearing pants and good shoes.
  • I try to walk down roads with high traffic/ open businesses.
  • Having another person with me significantly reduces my stress level.
  • Clear crosswalks, decent lights, women my age, people speaking Spanish.
  •  Remembering I can outrun lots of threats puts me at ease.
  • Having my dog with me and my pepper spray in my hand makes me less nervous.

Here people do what is within their power to help decrease the odds of running into trouble. I spent a lot of time wondering if these things improved odds of safety or if they were just ways to increase that sense of security. What do you think?

What makes women feel more nervous at night?

  • I tend to feel more nervous if I’m in an area I’m unfamiliar with.
  •  I do not like to be talked to by strangers, and especially feel nervous when I’m the only person walking.
  • People who have been drinking or are clearly high on something other than weed put me on edge.
  • If my phone runs out of battery.
  • Being in an unfamiliar area makes me a bit more nervous,
  • Only feel more nervous when someone appears seemingly out of nowhere.
  • Strange sounds make me nervous.
  • The smell of beer, young white men, rich looking white people.
  • Any men anywhere near me make me much more nervous.
  • When it’s really quiet I get more nervous.

What are women thinking about when they’re walking alone at night?

This is the second question I found most interesting. It seems fairly universal that when women are walking alone at night they are hyper-vigilant. They are aware of every sound, they are aware of every person, they are aware of where they are, what time it is, how easy they are to attack. To be an ally to women and to others who may be at risk, cross to the other side of the street so you’re not following them at night. Do not engage in conversation with someone even if you’re attempting to be helpful.

  • My mind typically wanders, though I am ALWAYS scanning my surroundings.
  • I am usually always terrified. I am always keeping a close eye on everyone around me and looking behind me occasionally.
  • If I am alone I am more alert.
  • Getting to my destination safely. Where is the light? What path is most visible? Where is my view limited? Is someone hiding behind that obstacle? Where is my escape if someone threatens me. What would I use first to defend myself? How easy can I get to my gun? Eyes up, head on a swivel. Look confident, make eye contact. If someone approaches, I try to make sure I have a few yards between us. It gives me enough time to hear something and prepare of they come at me.
  • I’m usually afraid, I check behind me every few minutes, and I try to get past groups of people really quickly if there are any. I used to make a mad dash from my car to my front door when I lived in the suburbs, and now that I’m in the city I just try to get into my building as quickly as possible.
  • I’m almost always alert and scared. I walk quickly, call someone/pretend to talk on the phone if they don’t answer, and usually have my car keys between my fingers to stab if I’m attacked.
  • I try to look around often. I grew up with my mom telling me to “be aware of your surroundings”. So I try to glance around to see if anyone else is walking near me. I always have a general sense of feeling save, until I see someone else walking in the vicinity then I get a little panicked.
  • I don’t listen to music at night so that I can hear everything around me. I scan around me with my eyes, and try to stay in lit places. Depending on the circumstance I walk down the middle of the street rather than on the sidewalk, because I feel like there is less chance of someone jumping out of the bushes.
  • If cars around me are making bad decisions (I’m a regular pedestrian), how slow someone ahead of me is walking, if I can pass them.
  • I like how peaceful it is to walk alone at night, but I am constantly hyperaware of any other people around. Like I almost feel guilty when I enjoy it because it’s “not safe” and I shouldn’t? But I can only enjoy brief moments of the night because I have to be constantly on the lookout for threats.
  • Is there anyone on my side of the street? Is there a safe place I can cross if I need to? Is the area that I’m traveling going to be well lit? Do I have a flashlight? Is my bag heavy enough to defend myself with/if I carry my bag this way will I be less likely to be grabbed? If my hair is in a ponytail will that make it more accessible to grab me by?
  • Feel uncomfortable, nervous. Very aware of my surroundings.
  • Head up, eyes forward, scan for threats, did I tell someone where I was and what I am doing
  • I am very wary and usually I am somewhat paranoid when people come close ,or approach me.
  • I am constantly aware of everything around me. The people, how dark it is, how close I am to my destination.

For contrast, the male responses are below.

  • I try to be aware of my surroundings, both the good and the bad.
  • I live in a generally peaceful community, so I generally perceive camaraderie, or more often, quiet and calm, around me.
  • I feel a sense that there is uncertainty or potentially some fear, but the fact that I am not a typical target puts me at ease…
  • I’m always on low-level alert. I naturally tend to look at the ground as I walk, so I fight that tendency and keep my eyes up and check the cardinal compass points (even straight behind me) every little while. This comes from years of self-defense training, so it’s ingrained at this point. I don’t wear headphones or earbuds at night (during the day I might have one bud in one ear), and I don’t take my phone out of my pocket for any reason.
  • It’s a free-wheeling stream of consciousness, but I’m typically more alert at night.

I wish that I had received more male responses. Your insight to this provided such valuable contrast. I found myself imagining a world in which I could walk and just enjoying my surroundings without being broken out of that enjoyment (and frequently) to re-evaluate my safety. It was also interesting to learn that men do have a low level alert system that sounded in many ways like the same system women have.

Finally almost everyone who submitted a response indicated at some point that they had pretended to be more brave, more strong, more confident, or more aggressive in some way than they actually are in order to feel safer or actually make themselves less of a target.

Didn’t get an opportunity to participate? Leave your thoughts on walking alone at night in the comments below. 

Continue Reading

Should Fertility Tracking be Taught in Sex Ed?

I’d like to know more about the Creighton Model and your thoughts on if it should be part of the sex ed curriculum for young women

I’m a supporter of comprehensive sexual education. I think that the sex education that young women and young men get should start sooner and should include pretty much everything. This can be done in ways that are age appropriate. There is no reason that High School aged women and men shouldn’t be receiving every bit of information about sexuality that is available to us. Most people start having sex around the age of seventeen. That means that they should be given enough information to make smart choices much much earlier than seventeen. 

Having more information allows us to make well-educated decisions.

The Creighton Model is essentially a standardized method of tracking ovulation, otherwise known as fertility tracking, or fertility awareness. I jokingly say that it’s also called family  planning because you often end up with a family if you use fertility tracking. It is not as reliable as other forms of birth control. Family planning also has a somewhat tricky background in religion. This method shouldn’t be chosen as a last resort or an only resort. It should be intentional and it should be chosen with full-knowledge of what it entails, same as any other method.

Fertility tracking can be done in different ways. You can mark your cycle on a calendar, you can take your temperature every morning,  or you can rely on the patterns in your cervical mucus. Many people document all of the above. You must keep close track of your cycle and be vigilant about documenting and charting fertility signs. For many people it can be easy to lapse in documentation. It is not recommended for people who are not very, very serious about paying very, very close attention to their bodies. Even with good documentation it can be important to look for cycle  length and to know what is normal for you. This means that you may need to document your cycle for months before you glean anything useful from your data.

Those who are just learning about reproduction, their bodies, and sex, may benefit from a more reliable method of birth control. Particularly if they are young, do not want children, or don’t want to get an abortion. Something like an IUD or the birth control pill might be a better option. Condoms can also be used in conjunction with fertility tracking to make this method more reliable. We should trust youth to make smart decisions about their bodies and what is best for them but we cannot expect them to make smart decisions without proper knowledge.

The entire system needs to be redone to be more inclusive for non-cis/hetero folk, to incorporate pleasure into the mix, and to create a more comprehensive framework for the protection and enjoyment of all people in all types of sexuality. I am all for including  fertility tracking into the curriculum, and I think that it needs to be firmly planted amongst a whole host of other options. Not providing this option with other options would be irresponsible. Even if we aren’t framing it as family planning, fertility tracking, or ovulation tracking, women and men need to know the menstrual cycle well enough that they understand how women’s bodies work. Information about ovulation, the fertile window, cervical mucus, and other ways the body might change throughout the menstrual cycle should be at the CORE of any sex-ed curriculum.

Did you receive any information about fertility tracking in your sex-ed? Do you wish you would have? Do you track your cycle? How? Do you find it useful? Would you rely only on a model like this to prevent pregnancy? Are you looking for non-hormonal ways to prevent pregnancy? Do you just like to know what’s going on in your body? Get in touch and let me know what you think about family planning or visit www.suggestivetongue.com/ask to ask a question of your own. 

 

Continue Reading

Super Anorgasmia

Hi there, I very recently found your blog, and I really appreciate all the posts and answers you’ve given. You’ve written about the female orgasm a few times now, and unfortunately this will be another one. I read through the other articles, but still haven’t found something that helps, unfortunately. My question is mainly: how do I know if I’m anorgasmic? I’m in my early 20s, and have been masturbating since about puberty (thank you pillows and showerheads). I’ve never had negative experiences or prejudices, I’m quite open about my sexuality, and my partner is incredibly supportive and helpful. However, I have yet to orgasm. Ever. My partner has described what an orgasm feels like to him, and I’ve seen it, but I’ve never had an experience like it before. I have tried multiple toys (the most powerful being the We-Vibe Tango), my partner does his best to pleasure me, and I really do enjoy the process, but I’ve just never been able to reach the big-O. I either feel like peeing, go kinda numb, or the sensation just fades away, and the process can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours. There is no “tipping point”, no feeling of “completion”, as it were. I have tried deep breathing exercises, attempted to simulate Kegel (without Kegel balls as of now), used porn/erotica, and still nada. It’s not bringing me down, I don’t feel “broken”, but I’m just curious and want to experience it, if possible. What’s your opinion/advice on this?

By definition it sounds like you may be anorgasmic. Primary anorgasmia is defined as someone who has never had an orgasm. However, labeling a woman’s lack of orgasm anorgasmia bothers me on a somewhat personal level. A lot of women have difficulty orgasming because of shame around sexuality, shame around their bodies. A lot of women have difficulty orgasming because they’ve never been taught how to orgasm. A lot of women have difficulty orgasming because they are on prescribed medications – medications that are often overprescribed – that limit their ability to become aroused. Why should something that is so common – a lack of orgasm – be medicalized when our culture is often to blame? How can we restrict knowledge about sexuality, call women sluts for having sex, prioritize male pleasure, and then tell women they have a medical condition if they make it to their 20s without having an orgasm?

You’ve done a lot of the work for me by bypassing this – but a post like this should not be done without saying it. Many, many, many women do not come by orgasms easily, and many women make it to their 20s without experiencing an orgasm. [As a side note, I found it interesting that it’s been two years since I wrote (this post)]

If you’ve had no negative experiences, are open about your sexuality, and have a sex-positive partner that you are physically and emotionally into, you’re way ahead of the game. I would agree that if you aren’t sure if you’ve had an orgasm you probably haven’t had one. I would take the time to think about these questions in addition: Do you feel physically aroused and mentally aroused when you are having sex? Does one come first and the other second? Does one fade after a while during a session? Determining if it’s physical arousal or mental arousal that’s the struggle can help some people. Are you on any medications that you feel limit your physical or mental arousal?

It’s hard to have an orgasm before you’ve had an orgasm because if you don’t know what it feels like, you can’t determine how close you are, or what you need to get you over the edge – or tipping point, as you said. Arousal will build before an orgasm. It sounds like you might get to this point and then it kind of fades away and you’re unable to get back to it.

The fading feeling sounds like a combination of mental and physical arousal. To combat this I’d recommend never going into bed with the goal of orgasming. Go into bed with the goal of feeling good the entire time you’re in bed. If something starts to not feel good, change what you’re doing. This tackles the mental component by allowing you to let go and just have fun. It tackles the physical by reminding yourself and your partner to focus on what physically works for you in each moment. That means it’s fine if he wants to go down on you for 30 minutes, but after 5 minutes, if it stops feeling exciting, ask for something else. Learn to read your body and what it wants.

My opinion is that what you’re experiencing isn’t abnormal, it’s just frustrating. You haven’t found what works for you yet, but you’re doing the right thing by experimenting with lots of different things and communicating with your partner. If at some point the frustration builds further, it may be of some help to discuss with a therapist or a doctor. Particularly if you feel that this may be a medical issue (ex: a symptom of drugs you are taking or depression). Though I think it’s less common for it to be a medical issue, that doesn’t mean that it’s never a medical issue. They may be able to provide further professional opinions that could help give you suggestions on how to proceed. I hope it turns around for you soon!

Have a question about sex or love? Submit to www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

Continue Reading

Are Hormones A Good Enough Excuse?

My girlfriend and I were having a bit of an argument well it just so happens to be that time of month for her. Well she used the hormone excuse and tried to blame her mood on her period. I being just like any male, have no clue what a period does to their partner during that time of month. My question is how much of a change occurs during a females period and is it enough to blame her hormones?

Thanks for reaching out! It has nothing to do with you being male. So many women don’t know what happens during their period, either. I would caution with the language you used in this post, however. The hormone excuse to blame her mood. Women are often expected to be bright and cheerful all the fucking time. Your hormones are an easy tag warning, but it doesn’t mean that those feelings weren’t already there.

It could be the difference between: “I’m sorry I said that, I’m so hormonal, I didn’t mean it” and “I’m sorry I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what I was going to say before I said it. That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot but it should have been better articulated.”

I like to be nice. I’m plagued with nice. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. When you’re trying to say something difficult to your partner, you want it to come out the best way possible. You care about them and it’s important to be kind. It’s also important to be clear so they hear what you’re saying and they hear the intention being what you’re saying.

But sometimes, when you’re tired, and your hormones are doing wacky things, and you’ve just spent the whole day with period diarrhea, and your lower back hurts, and you’ve got blood clots coming out of your vagina, and you have this weird little migraine, all you want to do is say exactly what you’re thinking exactly the way you’re thinking it. Even if it does sound wrong coming out of your mouth. Even it it can be misinterpreted. Even if it does start an argument.

It’s not a woman thing, it’s not a man thing, it’s just a person thing. Women just get to pull themselves back into the nice box with “it’s just my hormones.” Men, typically, will need to find other reasons for their sensitivity or lack of tact. Maybe a real heteronormative example will help pull that curtain away.

Your name is Dr. Dick Johnson and you’ve just had a very hard day at work. You come home and you’re a little sensitive because you’ve got all of these stress hormones up in your brain meats. Does having a rough day at work mean you’re unable to manage your emotions? Nope. You’re a real adult and you can manage your shit. Does it mean that you may be a little more sensitive than usual? Might you say something to your wife that you later regret because you’re tired and your feet hurt? Maybe so! Sometimes managing your shit isn’t easy! Sometimes you don’t spend just the right amount of time thinking about everything you’re going to say before you say it.

Sometimes you say something, and you have to say “sorry, I’m really hormonal” or “sorry, I’m really stressed out.” I mean, ultimately, don’t these mean the same things? Cortisol is the primary stress hormone, after all.

It sounds dumb, but please go read the wikipedia page on the menstrual cycle. Men and women, everyone, all of you. Stop as things get confusing and look up extra resources online. I do this myself every now and then because there is just a lot to know. Humans are complex beings and women in particular have a lot going on with all those moving bits and pieces. It’s no easy business to make a human. Sometimes, at the end of the day, we let our hormones lead the way in the places we feel most comfortable. With our family, our friends, or partners. These are safe spaces to be ourselves. Sometimes our selves can be a real jerk.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com/ask and I’ll answer it on my blog.

Continue Reading

He Isn’t Finishing – What Should I Do?

Sometimes my boyfriend doesn’t finish – cum – orgasm during sex. He usually says that it’s because he loses feeling or the usual, not everyone orgasms every time they have intercourse. No problem, I know that’s normal, it happens to me too. I’m concerned on what to say, how to handle it. Usually we take a break and then can try again later, sometimes it works, sometimes not. I don’t want to be condescending or make him feel bad. I usually say “that’s ok babe, no worries, we can try again later if you want”. Is there a different way I should handle this? Something else I should say, do?

It sounds like you’re both handling it pretty well! And you’re absolutely right – not every man or women orgasms each time a penis goes into a vagina. And that’s perfectly okay. I think the best thing that you and your partner can do is continue viewing sexuality in the way it seems you’re viewing it right now. The sex is or was still enjoyable despite the inability to continue in the way you were. Stop, try again later, or continue being physically intimate in some other way. It can be frustrating if you’re not on the same page, but like you said, it just happens. Sometimes it will be you, sometimes it will be him. Removing the expectation that it will never happen will allow the both of you to have a less stressful, more enjoyable time together.

Have a question about sex, love, or life? Submit at www.suggestivetongue.com and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

 

 

Continue Reading