Q: I Rarely Get To See My Partner – Help!

Q: I rarely get to see my partner becauz we live in different areas of town and we are both very busy. I only get to see him about once a week and we both want to see each other more often. Any suggestions for changing this?

A: It sucks to not be able to see each other as much as you want to – especially if you’re not sure when that will change.

Instead of trying to see each other more often, which might not be possible, try to create new routines together that allow you to connect in other ways. Call each other every night to catch up on your day but opt for a video chat instead of a regular phone call. Think to a time when you’ll both be more available and plan a longer trip that you can both look forward to. Try to coordinate middle-of-the-day connections where you grab a coffee together or squeeze in a lunch.

At once a week, you’re not all too infrequent, but you’re still on limited time. Make the time you do have together more special by not over-planning. Just take that time to be with one another. No phones, no television, just you two. The more quality the time you spend together is, the easier it will be to carry that good energy through the week until you can see each other again.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit now and I’ll answer on my blog.

Continue Reading

Q: Sharing A New Fetish/Kink/Fantasy With My Partner?

Question: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 7 years. Everything’s perfect except I have a fetish about her having sex with another man considerably more endowed than I. This fetish stems in to a previous relationship as well and I don’t think it’s going to go away anytime soon. I just want to know is it weird? Do others do this? Also how do I go about telling her of this fetish I want to make a reality?

Answer: This is not an unusual fantasy – you’ll find it’s actually fairly common on erotica boards and in pornography. (Not always a super accurate representation of actual behaviors, to be fair.) You may want to look up the term cuckolding.  [Cuckolding can be positive for some couples, study says – Ian Kerner for CNN].

I would encourage you to share this with your partner, being open about how the idea turns you on.

If you don’t already talk openly and honestly about fantasies (or dirty talk in general) it might be more difficult. Try to get some kind of green light prior to opening this conversation. Your partner might not be ready to hear these fantasies. While I would encourage you to share them with her, I’d also encourage you to take the temperature of the situation before blurting it out. Can I share a new fantasy with you right now? It’s kind of unusual.”  

If you and your partner do openly and honestly talk about fantasies, kinks (or dirty talk in general) it may be easier to include this into your normal conversations together. “I was thinking of one more fantasy lately I haven’t told you about. Wanna hear?” 

Your partner may be equally interested in trying this (maybe she’s been thinking about it, too!) You may be able to incorporate this into some kind of roleplay where a third party isn’t actually involved. And at the very least – you’ll know you have shared your interests, giving yourself a chance to live out an experience that excites you. Best of luck.

Have a question or need some advice? Submit now and I’ll answer on my blog!

Continue Reading

Q: Partner Has Low Sex Drive But Masturbates A Lot

Hello, I need some relationship/sex advice. My Fiancé is about 6 years older than me. We are currently trying for a baby but his sex Drive is horrible. He thinks he has a hormone issue that’s causing it, so he really is only in the mood about once a month only if I initiate it. But recently I have found out that whenever I am not home he masterbates a lot, which I don’t mind. It’s just that I feel like our sex is very bland and I don’t feel comfortable talking to him openly about it because I feel like he views it as immature on my part. Also I have seen where he took pictures of his penis at his work in the bathroom, and they did not get sent to me. He claims he just likes taking them but it doesn’t seem like the truth to me because he doesn’t do it often nor does he ever send anything to me. Also I was open to trying new things with him during sex but for one I am kind of shy when it comes to him i don’t know why, and two I am very comfortable with my sexuality and there isn’t many things I wouldn’t do but he doesn’t seem to be interested in being adventurous. Any advice is welcome. Please help!

Is it cold in here or is it just a little shady?

Your fiancés sex drive being low + him masturbating frequently + him taking dick pics doesn’t add up. My gut tells me that he’s not being honest about something. Is this a new change or has he been like this for the duration of your relationship? Sex doesn’t need to be a highlight of your relationship, but it’s a key point of contention in long term relationships if things don’t add up, or if you guys can’t find a compromise.

It sounds to me like you’re wanting to be a little more adventurous – or at the bare minimum, you wan’t to connect with your partner openly when it comes to sex. For whatever reason (innocent or otherwise, without trying to make assumptions) it sounds like he’s unable or unwilling to do the same. So time for a truth talk. If you’re going to try to have a kid together you need to feel that you can trust him and you need to feel that you’re able to connect. Those two things apply to your marriage, too.

Tell him how you feel about what you told me above. The photos that never come to you, the inability to find intimate times together when he’s clearly able to find time for himselfand your desire to have a relationship that is at the very least sexually open, if not adventurous. Is he not on board for this? If he is, his actions aren’t communicating that very clearly. If he’s not, best you know now.

If you can’t find a comfortable, happy, and satisfying mid-ground together where you’re both able to communicate and get your needs met, I’d be concerned that it may be an ongoing issue as your relationship progresses. Tackle it now, together. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.


Have a question about sex or love? Submit now and I’ll answer on my blog.

Continue Reading

Ask Suggestive: Husband Can’t Finish Without Porn

Lately my husband cant cum when we have sex unless he masturbates to porn. When I ask him what I’m doing wrong he gives me the excuse that’s it’s hot in the room or he’s tired or stressed. Recently we had a threesome with my best friend and he came while having sex with her almost instantly and while he was having sex with her he had an expression of pure bliss that I’ve never seen before. Now I feel like its obviously something about me that causes him to not cum during sex with me. I’m contemplating telling him that I no longer want us to have an intimate relationship anymore because the mental and emotional toll of all this is hurting me so bad that I don’t think I can shake back from it. It kills me deeply that I havent been able to get the response or the climax during sex with my husband that my friend got almost instantly. Please help.

It sounds to me like his experience with the threesome and the experience with the pornography is less about your friend and less about you than it is about his need to have lots of good mental stimuli. In other words, he needs to be really mentally “in the zone” in order to let go of the stress of his life in order to have a good time. With both porn and a threesome, he’s probably in a state of especially high arousal, allowing him to really sink into the moment, making it easier to orgasm.

What he needs to do (and what you can assist with) is replicate that low-stress / high-arousal experience together.

But first, I think you should have a conversation with him about how those experiences have made you feel. Focus on “I Statements” and share with him your concerns from a place of wanting to connect. “I feel that we haven’t been able to have a lot of intimate time together lately. I’d really love to just be with you, without the porn, without anything else, and find that connection again. I feel like your focus on masturbation and our experiences with threesomes haven’t really given us time to make those connections and I feel that I’m not being put first anymore.”

You married the guy – I’m guessing (hoping!) that you’ve had really great one-on-one experiences in the past. You’re comfortable with each other. Maybe he’s so comfortable that he doesn’t quite realize how long this has been going on or how it’s been affecting you. Maybe he feels it too but hasn’t quite put it into words for himself yet. I like to start by expecting the best. Open up that dialogue.

Then think about some things you can do together to bring that fire. If it’s too hot, buy an air conditioner. Turn on a fan. Go into the shower. If he needs a boost of arousal, watch porn together and have him show you how to masturbate for him. Extend foreplay by 2x or 3x the average length to give him more time to decompress and flip off his stress-brain. Talk about new things you haven’t tried in bed and try it together. Go to an adult store, pick up some toys, buy a new lube.

If he does not respond well to opening the dialogue, and if he does not seem receptive to finding ways to be creative together…. that’s another issue, and one you’ll need to tackle when you get there. Best case scenario is that he too is looking for ways to reconnect and boost that intimacy/arousal and you can find ways to do it together as a team.


Need advice about sex or love? Let’s chat. Submit anonymously now! And I’ll answer on my site(!)

Continue Reading

What Type Of Lube Is Right For You?

One of the easiest ways to improve your sex life is by adding lubrication.

What type of lube is right for you? There are a lot of different kinds of lube – and if you’re picking up a bottle from the grocery store, you’re probably not going to get a breakdown on the bottle. Here are the quick-facts and some recommendations. Pick up a bottle of each and test their differences!

Sliquid Satin $15.00

Sliquid Satin is designed not only as a sexual lubricant, but also as a daily moisturizer for dry clean. Apply small amounts as needed, when needed.

Water Based Lube

  • Easy to find at drugstores
  • Safe to use with toys or condoms
  • Gentle for sensitive skin
  • Washes away in water
  • Can get sticky with use
  • Requires some reapplication

Water based lubes are super convenient in a pinch. They’re easy to find at drugstores and won’t degrade toy or condom materials – making them safe! They do wash away fairly easily, and can be sticky when used to excess. Use a small amount to start and add more as needed

Yes Oil based $12.00

Yes Oil based is made of coco butter and shea butter, sweet almond oil and sunflower oil. It's ultra moisturizing, and probably smells pretty great too.

Oil Based Lube

  • Thicker consistency than water based
  • Long lasting
  • Can be used for massage
  • Requires extra cleanup
  • Not safe with condoms

Oil based lubricants can feel extra luxurious. They can even start as a massage oil and work their way south. But oil based lubes are not friendly with condoms, and require a little extra cleanup.

Uber Lube $18.00

Uber Lube is scentless, tasteless, and non-staining and great to use in the shower. You only need a pea sized amount so it will last a long time.

Silicone Based Lube

  • Lasts for a long time
  • Extra thick consistency
  • Does not wash away easily with water
  • Cannot be used with silicone toys

Silicone based lubricants are the top choice for water play (shower sex) because they don’t easily wash away, but they aren’t quite as oily as the oil based lubricants. They’re also quite thick and do not require much reapplication.

Continue Reading

Do Tattoos Provide Deeper Meaning For Trans* Folks?

Hi,

I am going to get my first tattoo on Wednesday, a set of butterflies on my upper leg and as a symbol of my transition, MTF, I wonder if this happens to many fellow TG folks: do we get more tats than cis folks? Why? Any advice on handling the pain? Does the urge to get a tattoo suggest something deeper than I know?


I’m not sure if tattoos are more common among TG folk! I’m also one of those few that is still sans-tattoo. Anyone willing to chime in?

I would take a stab that there could be something here about claiming/reclaiming ones body. Making your body your home, making it your own. Defining yourself. Sharing in TG culture. Tattoos allow us to express who we are.

While not every tattoo is filled deep with meaning, often times tattoos do symbolize something deeper to the person who takes the plunge with the needle. Maybe the tattoo itself has some visual representation of something important. Or, maybe it’s less about the tattoo itself, and more about the event that inspired the tattoo in the first place. Yours sounds like a little bit of both.

Can you bring a friend with you or are you looking to go solo? A hand to squeeze never hurts! Hope it goes well, isn’t too much of a pain, and that the butterfly is a great companion on your journey.

Continue Reading

Discussing Body Type With Your Partner

reaching-out

long story – I’m a bigger girl, with a love for food and a hate of any type of exercise. Which, in turn, has cause me to gain about 60 pounds. I recently started a diet and have lost 20 pounds since the beginning of the year. Go me!

I know my weight and my over-weight body was a cause of concern for my boyfriend. He has always dated petite women before me; I’m his first real experience with a curvier woman. This past weekend, the topic of specific types of people we are attracted to came up; we usually have very good conversations. Basically, it came out that I am not his type – at all. I knew that his past girlfriends were of smaller body type, I also know that those relationships haven’t worked out for him so well (obviously, or he wouldn’t have been single and available to date me).

While part of me knew this and knows that ‘type’ can be very fluid and changing, another part of me is deeply hurt. We’ve been together for over 2 years and never once until now has he ever made me feel unattractive to him. I know my weight has been an issue for him, one of the reasons for me losing weight (but the main one is my health – looking better is an added bonus) but this made me feel just awful.

I walked away from him and I cried. I never cry and his words hurt me that deeply.

He almost instantly realized what he said was hurtful (hateful even?) and apologized to the point that his voice was breaking. I explain to him why I was so hurt, that hearing that the person you love isn’t very sexually attracted to you is devastating and painful. (I know, rationally, that he meant that he has a type, that’s what it was, I don’t fit that type, but hey, that’s absolutely fine because it’s still all good, great sex, love, friendship)

Part of me wanted to lash out and say hurtful things back to him, but I knew that it would only make me feel worse after.

I know that as a man, his visual representation of the female body is very important to his sexual attraction. I know that part of my weight loss journey to get healthy will involve my body getting smaller – but I am not nor will I ever be petite.

I guess my questions or needed advice is – how do I come to an understanding with myself that my body is never going to be his ideal? Or is it truly one of those “as long as I am comfortable in my own body, who cares what he thinks?”. I feel that any future sex will involve me being ashamed or self-conscious of my body, which I’ve never been before. Obviously, I have a right to be hurt and still upset about this, and I know it will take some time to calm down, cool off, and forgive, and I’m not ready to do that quite yet. But sitting down and rationally thinking this out, I don’t see a way forward without be self-conscious. His words have made me want to hide myself


Man, this is a hard question, and I already know I’m not going to do it justice. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. It’s not something I have the answer to. Bodies are personal. And private. And no one should make us feel -less than for the way we look. The fact that you feel that you have to hide yourself now because your partner said you weren’t his typical type hurts to read.

I find that it’s very difficult (as a woman – especially) to have a conversation about body or weight without feeling attacked. As a woman it is difficult to not think about my weight as a value statement about who I am. Even not thinking about my weight feels like an active choice sometimes, which means I’m still kinda thinking about weight.

Opening up this possibility: you’re not his usual type, but it doesn’t matter.  He’s dating you. You make him happy. So whether or not your body fits this notion of what is “type” is – you are, one way or another, his type. Because he’s choosing to be with you.

I’ve struggled on my own with a wibbly wobbly weight. That’s provoked heavy conversations within my own relationship about values: how important is health? how important is eating well? how important is exercise? What is my ideal body? How does stress impact my eating habits? My exercise habits? How can I be better for myself? For my partnership? Would it bother me if my partner gained a significant amount of weight? How would I handle that conversation? How could I exercise compassion in that situation? How could I be there for my partner? How could I continue finding ways to be intimate even if they were suffering with their self-image? What if my partner gained a significant amount of weight and said they didn’t want to continue working out, eating healthy? What if my partner was just a bigger person now, even though they had been more petite when we met?

Any conversation you have about your weight, your attraction to one another, the big lifestyle choices you make that impact your body, are going to be hard conversations to have. Pretending those conversations don’t happen, don’t exist, or aren’t necessary for some people to have only make them more difficult. Health and lifestyle are important conversations and not always directly tied to the way we look physically.

As a personal preference: I like to move away from how my body actually looks, how much I weigh, and focus more on lifestyle. Do you have similar wants and needs? Are you both striving to achieve those wants and needs? Can you continue to do so together?

How do I come to an understanding with myself that my body is never going to be his ideal? – I don’t think that’s emotional work that you’re required to do. You keep doing you, and do you for you. If he can support that, and your overarching life goals still align, I don’t think you guys are going to have a problem. If he can’t support you and the work you’re doing, or if your overarching life goals don’t align, the conversations are only going to get harder.

Continue Reading

How To Prepare For A Brazilian Wax

Last week I went and got my first wax in over two years – yowza. I had stopped going partially because I had grown accustomed to having some hair, and partially because it’s so expensive. About $950 a year if you go regularly and tip accordingly.

And it was funny, because in the week leading up to that appointment, I felt like a super newbie. How bad does it hurt? Should I take some aspirin? How do they get all those funky places? I honestly couldn’t remember too much about the experience other than I used to do it regularly and didn’t seem to have too much of a problem. Here are some questions that went through my head – and the corresponding answers after getting my memory refreshed. In the most, uh, vivid way possible.

Should you trim your pubic hair before you get waxed?

I trimmed a bit prior to going but I didn’t trim as much as I should have. If you have longer hairs, the wax is more likely to grab hair that the waxer isn’t actually waxing. And that hurts. Make sure that you don’t trim too low, most places recommend at least 1/4 inch growth.

Should I take some pain killers before I go to make it hurt less?

You can, but it didn’t help me. The sting from the wax is so quick that I don’t think that taking a pain killer has ever made a difference. Judge for yourself – popping two prior to the appointment can’t hurt. The most painful part of the wax for me is when all of the hair doesn’t come up with the wax. They then have to apply a second strip – or more wax – to that area, to pull it up. That can require pulling on an area of skin several times in a row which becomes tender. An inexperienced waxer or someone working with a wax they are unfamiliar with is probably more likely to run into this problem.

How do they get the hair from all those close-up places, like your crack, or right next to your labia?

I’ve had different experiences with different waxers. Some will ask you to hold things taut so they have better access. Others will reach and pull and ask you to maneuver in ways that give them access. If you’re uncomfortable with certain aspects of the wax, let your waxxer know prior to getting started, or ask questions about what to expect so you can both be well informed.

What is it like after a wax? Does it hurt, is it red, are their ingrown hairs?

You can get ingrown hairs – it depends on the person, and the wax! Because a brazilian is a type of exfoliation in itself, avoid additional exfoliation for a few days. Then implement a gentle exfoliator (even just a washcloth with some gentle soap) into your showering routine. The salon I go to provides some creams you can apply afterwards to reduce redness and make ingrown hairs less likely. It feels a little sensitive for a day – which is what you’d expect! But everyone’s experience will be different.

Isn’t it weird being waist-down naked with a stranger in the room?

Nope – not at all. I’m not the first vulva they’ve seen that day and I won’t be the last. I am definitely not special.

Any other tips or tricks?

  • You can get a wax on your period (with a tampon or a menstrual cup) – but you may be more sensitive, so be aware!
  • Removing your pubic hair is your choice – don’t let anyone pressure you into ripping all of your pubic hair out unless it’s something that really makes you happy. You’re under no expectation to look like an otter. No one expects it. It’s not the standard. I asked everyone for ya.
  • If you’re down for the wax but don’t want all the hair gone, let your waxxer know. It’s fun to leave a little triangle or strip if you’re not feeling 100% bare.

 

Need advice? Have a question? Submit now(!) and I’ll answer on my blog.

Continue Reading

How Long Does Sex Last From Start To Finish?

 

Question:

I’m 29. I don’t have sex often (purposefully, not a random hook up kind of person). I’ve had a history of not lasting long.

When I’m in a relationship and having sex consistently, will i naturally be able to last longer? Or is my biology set on the length I tend to last?

How long would you say is normal to last, starting from foreplay to climax?

Or maybe it’s easier to answer, from the moment of penetration. Either one, I’m curious.

Thank you

Answer:

It’s difficult to judge the average duration of sex because it varies so much from person to person. There are a lot of different factors to consider: how aroused they are, the last time they had an orgasm, how long they’ve been aroused, what type of stimulation they’re receiving.

Even if you’re only judging from the moment of penetration, there are so many factors at play. What was the foreplay like? What was the rest of your day like? What about your week? Stressed out? Super relaxed?

Of course, there’s a certain amount of control the individual has too. Do they want to orgasm quickly? Do they want to extend the session? Are the exercising their ability to make that decision by stopping when they get close? Are they aware of what “getting close” feels like? (Sometimes even knowing when to stop doesn’t help!)

There are all kinds of studies about this because we’re kind of obsessed with the duration of sex. Men are unfairly judged for how long they can go or how many times they can go. These studies usually say an average session is 5-7 minutes or so.

Other studies are not so kind. I believe that Kinsey gave men about two minutes.

To answer your question, I do think that when you’re in a relationship and having sex with the same recurring partner (or more than one recurring partner) you may likely be able to have sex for longer periods of time. It may come with experience – both with that partner, and with your own body. This isn’t to say that you won’t also have some quickies in there, too(!)

You can start practicing now with masturbation. When you start to get close – stop. Some call this practice “edging” because it requires working yourself to the edge of an orgasm. Edging can also produce more powerful orgasms by slowly building the orgasm over time – rather than giving in on the first go. When you’re practicing, pay close attention to the different stages of arousal.

You’ll reach a stage when things are very sensitive and you feel like you’re about to orgasm. Stop here and wait until it’s under control again. The same method can be applied during sex with a partner.

Just because you’ve begun having penetrative sex doesn’t mean you have to keep going until you orgasm.

Take a break to have oral sex, manual sex (anything with touching, basically) or just kissing. Those intimacies may be something you explore more in-depth in your relationships as they grow and develop.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit now and I’ll answer on my blog!

Continue Reading

How To Keep Dating Your Partner After The Honeymoon Period

During the honeymoon period of your relationship, dating is a verb. You’re dating your partner. You make plans, you arrange times to meet, you say goodbye at the end of the night. The verb of dating is natural because you are in the act of getting to know who this person is and if they might be a good partner for you.

A few years into dating, you’re still dating, but you no longer require the actual verb-ing of the process in the same way that you used to.

How to keep dating your partner after the honeymoon period

So, naturally, some of the things you used to do out of necessity become more natural pieces of your every day life.

That’s not a bad thing. You feel secure and safe in your relationship. Your partner knows just the things you like. You’re working together for shared goals.

But when you stop dating, you may also stop being intentional. And when you’re intentional with your partner, you’re showing them that you’re not just there because of habit. You’re there because you want to be there.

Tips for Dating Your Partner

  1. Reserve time for date nights no matter what

    1. A date night means you and your partner. Not your other partner/s. Not your children. Not your friends. Not your family. Just you two.
  2. Take time without technology to just talk to each other

    1. The conversations I have with J when we’re not on our phones are much more meaningful, but it’s easy to forget how important it is to put the phone down.
    2. If you’re going on a date night and the date is a movie – make sure to include something before or after where you can talk to one another, look each other in the eyes.
  3. Woo each other with your love languages

    1. Do you know what your partners love language is? Chances are that they value certain acts of love over others. Take the love language quiz together and learn what your partner values!
    2. When you know your partners love language, try to speak it (and others) often. Greeting cards aren’t just for holidays. Date night doesn’t always have to fall on a Friday or be pre-planned. Words of affection can be slipped into coat pockets or written on white boards.
  4. Don’t forget to work your peacock

    1. It’s easy to put a lot of time and attention into your outward appearance when you’re dating. Your activities are usually pre-scheduled and planned and short-lived so you have time to get handsome. When you’re in a long term relationship your partner is going to see you at your slouchiest and most comfortable – which is super cool. (I like seeing Jason when he’s cozy because I know he’s relaxed and comfortable!)
    2. Remembering to take care of yourself is important and a thought to always return to. Sometimes spicing things up is as easy as wearing a new (or old) cologne, slipping on a dress, or giving yourself an extra good at-home spa day to make your whole face light up.
    3. Peacocking isn’t just outward – it’s inward too. Flexing your brain muscles and learning something new can remind your partner that there is always something new to be discovered about one another. It can refresh the memories of getting to know one another, and remind you of earlier times in your relationship – when things were more mysterious.

The most important thing to remember ::

Keep dating your partner by giving them the kind of love that you would want to receive in return. This person means the most to you – so treat them with that level of care. The more you care for someone, the happier they are, and the better they are able to love back. It’s a viciously adorable cycle, one that feeds on itself. You love me, I love you, we love each other.

Feeling the pits after Valentine’s Day? Don’t feel blue, let’s chat. Submit your question today and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

Continue Reading
1 2 3 17