Five Things To Try If You’re New In Bed

take a long hard look at yourself son

These are your genitals and they know you better than you know them. That ain’t right.

Getting a mirror and looking at yourself up and down and all around is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

1. You’ll know what you look like and shouldn’t you have a pretty good idea of what you mother fucking look like? It’s your body. Not some stranger air bnb’ing in your pants.

2. If you know what your normal is – you’ll have a better idea of your abnormal. That mole? That spot? That giant abscess? That smell? That color? Don’t just look, take it one step further and document. When do you get discharge? What makes you feel horny? At what occasions do you find it impossible to maintain an erection? I’m lookin’ at you, Johnnie Walker.

then walk it out, walk it out, yeah walk it out

I maintain that the best way to have good, pleasurable sex is to masturbate. If you don’t know what you like, how can you possibly communicate that to your partner? Some people tell me that the only reason they know what they like is because their partner in their infinite wisdom has shown them. I call bullshit. You awaken in yourself. Your partner doesn’t “give” you knowledge that wasn’t already there. TAKE IT BACK! OWN THE NIGHT!

Truthfully, masturbation can play a healthy role in your sex life with your partner. For instance, certain positions are fun but don’t stimulate the clitoris. Many women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. So when you’re upside down and backwards, throw your hand into the mix, and everyone wins.

stop trying so hard to orgasm all the time

While orgasm isn’t necessarily the “end of intercourse” it does often signify the wind-down, especially if you have a slow reload time (time it takes you to be aroused or erect again).

Instead of racing to the finish line, take some time to just enjoy that thing you say you like to do. For fucks sake. Literally.

buy a sex toy

Not because you need to or because you’ll love it but because it’s something I think is worth trying at least once. And there’s so many kinds out there. There’s literally something for everyone. Need help picking it apart? Shoot me a message. We’ll chat.

read some sex blogs (oh hi there)

You don’t know what you don’t know, so don’t not know, you know? The best way to see what’s out there and to learn new things is to read about them. Blogs are a great place to start because they’re often crowd sourced opinions about what sex is actually like. As opposed to say, pornography. While there’s a lot of great pornography being made these days, a lot of what you’ll find on the internet is still mostly unrealistic and filmed by and for men. Wham bam, thank you kind sir.

Here’s the most important thing, the unofficial number six: don’t expect to know everything all at once. If you’re new to sex, revel in the newness. Know that newness isn’t just about how long you’ve been having sex – it’s an attitude. You can be new to sex for decades before you really get your feet wet. Just open up the tiniest possibility that there’s a lot to know, and it will come in time, when it’s meant to come. Just like you.

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