Q: New Partner Struggles with Erections?

I’m a 31 year old female who had been seeing a guy for a few months. The relationship has been fairly happy with some minor bumps in the road. He’s 29 and I’m his very first girlfriend. Sounds weird, I know. My problem is, we’ve been intimate several times with less than spectacular results. Being his first partner, I thought he’d have little trouble becoming erect and/or climaxing. I have been with several virgins in the past. I sadly have an extensive sexual past. I have no trouble getting him hard, it’s getting him to stay there us the trouble. Also, when we give up on intercourse and ultimately settle on separated masturbation, he gets super close but can’t finish. I have no trouble finishing whatsoever. Dont know if this is relevant but we are both overweight. Please help because my libido is incredibly high and I’m getting tired of my own hand.

It’s often the case with new partners. Sometimes you orgasm too quickly, sometimes you orgasm too slowly. It’s an extra curveball when your new partner is also new to sex, period.

My best guess is that he’s just nervous.

I don’t mean that he’s necessarily actively feeling nervous. When we’re not totally in-the-zone during sex, it can be difficult to get and stay aroused. If he’s not used to the flow of sex, being naked with someone else, or fooling around in general, he may be struggling to stay in the right mindset to stay that maximum level of arousal. Once you struggle to stay hard once, that fear that it will happen again can be self-fulfilling.

For me, the answer rests within this question: when he masturbates by himself is he able to orgasm fairly easily?

If yes, there’s something holding him back when you’re together. Maybe he is anxious or stressed or nervous or maybe he just hasn’t quite found his groove yet. I’d remove any pressure to have intercourse and I’d remove any pressure to actually orgasm. Take a step back and just be naked together and explore what does or doesn’t feel good. It may even help to encourage him not to orgasm, and rather see how many orgasms he can give you prior to his own.

That puts the attention back on you, gives him something positive to focus on, and likely results in a relaxed atmosphere that is more conducive to orgasm.

It could also be that there’s something you two are doing together that is mentally or physically turning him off. Maybe the thing doesn’t feel good, and he’s unable to communicate clearly that it doesn’t feel good. You’ll have to consider this and see if you can pinpoint how clear your communication has been thus far. Of course, sometimes people also have very specific fetishes or kinks, and if he’s been living 29 years in the head of those fetishes/kinks it might be an adjustment having actual real physical sex without those things. Have you brought up kinks or fetishes yet? He could have one very specific thing he’s doing when he gets himself off that he’s not doing when he’s with you. Whether it’s a kink, or the way he plays with himself.

Finally, and I don’t know if this is what you meant by sad, but I hope you know there’s no shame in having a lot of partners. All of that experience can make you a great fit with this new partner. While it’s possible to have weight-related issues in the bedroom, from what you described, I wouldn’t jump to that as the root cause. Knock it back a few steps and start over, more slowly. Whether you’ve been dating for a few weeks or a few years, it’s never too late to get to know each other all over again.

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