Please help! my 50+ year old husband had a “kissing affair” with a bar tramp over two years ago. I was gone for weeks at a time taking care of my dying father, then my elderly mother. I am an only child, so it was all my responsibility. As a result, he had a “friend” that got him to go to a bar everyday after work. Yes, hubby had a choice, but his alcoholic friend needed an enabler and a ride home everyday… he had gotten a DUI a few years before and never got a license again. Anyway, long story short, he met this bar tramp who worked there and she began preying on him – yes he allowed it, but she knew exactly what she was doing!!!! She is the poster child for “daddy issues” and sociopath because I was later told she had done it many times before AND she bragged about it!!
I know it didn’t go any further because I overheard a conversation with a best buddy of his (that he shares everything with) and he said that he thanked God everyday that he never “f’d” her… his exact words. He said she was just some cheap easy tramp who paid attention to him at the time and that she was absolutely unattractive and I saw her picture.. she is!
The minute I found out I stopped it and forbade him to ever have contact again! Her numbers were blocked, he comes home everyday after work, has never been to any other bars and has done EVERYTHING right to make up for it. He read all of the christian books about infidelity, owns his mistake, and NEVER once blamed me! He said he was a weak, selfish bastard and will regret it forever and I know he still lives with the guilt. He has told me many times how sick it makes him when he can still see the pain he caused me. And since we’ve been together for 26 years, I know him well enough to know he’s truthful.
So, the only problem I have now is that I just can’t stand the thought of him kissing me now! I’ve become hyper sexual since then, and I’m 57 years old now! Also, since then, he’s had trouble getting erections at times. I resent the hell out of that! but beyond that, I gag at the thought of letting him stick his tongue down my throat now, knowing he was in her nasty mouth with God knows what in it! I want to move on because kissing is supposed to be more intimate than sex but the triggers make me want to vomit!
HOW can I erase the triggers and move on? This is the ONLY issue I still live with and your advice would mean so much. God bless you, your service is to be commended!
When someone is unfaithful the first thing I always ask myself is why were they unfaithful?
An explanation for infidelity is not an excuse for infidelity. Based on only what you’ve given me here, I would anticipate that perhaps your husband struggled with the illness in your family and your absence during that time quite a bit. It’s possible that he didn’t have an outlet for support. Does he have one now? I think that’s important because he should focus on growing and evolving from the mistake that he made. If he doesn’t grow from the mistake, it will make it more difficult for you to grow from it as a couple.
I believe that you’ve forgiven him and trust him but I’m not sure that you’ve let it go. And that’s a hard thing to do. Maybe it’s not something you should do. Letting it go and finding ways to move on are different things.
That kiss can be something that made you stronger, or it can be the thing that made you never enjoy kissing your husband again.
I would advise that you go see a therapist if you’re not already. Intimacy, once damaged, takes work to regain. I don’t think there’s one right answer. You may need to find new or renewed intimacy with your husband. You may need to seek forgiveness to the other woman who was likely struggling deeply in her own life to do this with married men. You may need to question your own values and feelings about intimacy, and kissing. You may just need more time.
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