In Defense of Bean Flicking and Burning The Midnight Flux

Have you heard of masturbation jealousy? It typically happens in heterosexual relationships when a man learns his partner has been masturbating. He becomes angry and tells her that he’s uncomfortable with her getting off without him. Sometimes the masturbation jealousy is specific to toys (fear that the toy will replace the man) but sometimes it has more to do with a woman being able to experience any kind of self-gratification. While masturbation jealousy is fairly common, what people don’t know is that 10/10 of men who experience it should also go fuck themselves. That’s 100% of all men. Even more stunning is that men rarely deal with masturbation jealousy themselves. (Though, to be fair, many men have to deal with porn jealousy, which is another topic entirely.)

Why might someone want to continue masturbating when they’re in a sexually gratifying relationship?

  1. It feels good
  2. Your partner doesn’t always want to have sex
  3. It can reduce stress
  4. Masturbation is different than penetrative sex
  5. It doesn’t matter because women don’t need to justify what they do to their bodies

Bonus: You just finished binging Stranger Things and you’re just bored.


Sure, masturbation can be a symptom of something else. Maybe you’re masturbating because you’re not having sex. Maybe you’re masturbating because looking at your significant other makes your vagina kinda suck up into itself like a dried sponge. Maybe you’re masturbating because you can’t afford prescription anti-psychotics. But most of the time, let’s just say, masturbation is a little bit like eating breakfast. Just because you had breakfast doesn’t mean you don’t want lunch and dinner and a snack and maybe a little nosh and a cocktail around five. In fact, eating breakfast only fills you up briefly. Most people are hungry again in a few hours.  Some people even get hungrier after eating!

If you don’t get the metaphor I just don’t care, I’m out.

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