For the first time in my life I’m working full time hours and it is god. damn. exhausting. I’ve been a little tapped out recently. I come home, I collapse on the couch, I internally combust, a new universe appears within me, life begins to form, and then I open a beer and fall asleep. It’s a lot of work for one small normal human girl.
After a closing shift last weekend I came home and the boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch. What follows is an actual transcript of our conversation.
Him: Wanna go to Ikea?
Me: Sure. Why.
Him: I dunno.
Him: Hey Siri what times does Ikea close?
Me: Ugh. Thirty minutes. Too soon.
Him: Wanna go to the beach?
Him: Let me call some hotels.
Me: Let me pack a duffel bag.
Me: Can we be back before my noon shift tomorrow?
Him: Yeah totally.
Who do you want to be in your life? I want to be the kind of girl who violently veers off the road when she sees a craft store and decides it’s time to buy paint. I want to be the kind of girl who orders herself a brownie because she deserves it. I want to be the kind of girl who never forgets birthdays and sends letters in the mail. I want to be the kind of girl that smiles and laughs and still does her hair in the morning even though it can be a little troublesome. I want to be the girl who picks a dandelion from the side of the road and puts it in a glass on the table and smiles because sometimes weeds are cute. I want to be the girl who works a long shift and then comes home and decides that life is short and the beach is close. I want to be the girl who finds herself still falling for her boyfriend after three years, or five years, or ten years, or more.
Who you are is what you do and sometimes that little lesson is a stranger. Unfamiliar and unusual despite being seemingly obvious. Who you are is what you do. Who you are is what you do. Who you are is what you do. To be the person you want to be, you do the things that person would do. Imagine yourself at your best, imagine yourself being who you want to be, what are those things that that person does? To become the person you want to be, all you need to do is do the things. Suddenly, you have become.
I think there is a natural aligning of fate that happens when you do what you are. As we drove off into the sunset I felt lighter and happier than I had in a while. When I felt my toes in the sand I felt present. When I skipped into the ocean at night I felt alive. And when I woke up the next morning I knew who I was.