When Politics Cared About My Health

It is my wish that in the future, we’re all afraid that politicians and big businesses will care too much about our sex lives. Imagine new DASANI PINK with active pregnancy aids! Increase your libido and your chances of conception with one easy twist-off top! Do not confuse with DASANI BLACK the water for people who hate babies. 

Instead of gently implying that birth control makes you a whore, politicians would send you free condoms with their faces on them, telling you to “have a good night with a Bush on your mind, wink wink.” The next Clinton to run, sixteen years from now, might even give a gentle prod by announcing their candidacy in a flowing blue dress with white spots. “We get it, we’re hilarious.”

Abortion would no longer be restricted. Instead, large companies would send you packages you could choose from entitled “what life with your baby might look like” and “what life without your baby might look like” as they analyze your digital footprint and create possible futures for you based on whether or not you choose to carry out your pregnancy. We just want you to make the decision that’s best for your chosen future, the advertisements say.

Sex toys would be much like they are in Beautiful You, a book by Stop-Calling-Me-The-Fight-Club-Author Chuck Palahniuk. The creators of such toys now spend all of their time emailing you like heartbroken ex-lovers, wondering how well they satisfied you, and why you haven’t bought anything new. Was it not stimulating enough? Can we do more? Please send us the report from your digital spasm chart and we will use this to improve our customer service.

Yes even during election season there is the usual banter about sexuality. A wink and a knowing nod and a few butt jokes careen the debate down a shallow and empty road to nowhere.

At the end of the night, couples laugh knowingly about their sex lives. They proclaim to the monitors “we sure do love our new orgasm flavored tic tacs!” They crawl under sheets which light up and ask them “would you like to copulate tonight?” before they emit a chemical that allows for more efficient blood flow.

You would smile, of course. You’d have to smile. Everyone is just so goddamn thoughtful.

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