Q: Finding Love in a Hopeless Place

In a shallow world, how do you find a partner who finds you attractive if you are an overweight guy? Not obese, just over-weight enough to get dumped too easily into the “friend zone”.

I am so sorry if this has been your experience! The world is indeed a place filled with judgment, and no place is this easier to see than the dating world. This often times fast-paced game leaves little room for getting to know someone slowly and intentionally. Instead, it’s sometimes left to our initial feelings about a person. What vibe they give us, if we’re immediately attracted to them, if we seem to be looking for the same thing. These are all good things and can often point us in the right direction, but they also leave us at a slight disadvantage if we are looking for love.

With emotional intimacy – built over time – we begin to see people differently based on how we feel about them. A man who is sweet and funny may become more physically attractive, whereas a man who is cruel and cold may become less physically attractive.

My concern with your question is that your own insecurities with your weight may be at the core of the problem. If this is not you, skip ahead. But I think it is important to discuss. Our internalized negative feelings about ourselves can often manifest themselves in debilitating ways. If you consider yourself to be the over-weight guy who can’t score a girl, you may be less confident, less likely to put yourself out there, more irritable. You may hold yourself differently – stand less tall, smile less, be more ready for disappointment. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don’t believe in the friend zone. There are so many women in the world and most of them are going to put you in the friend zone. Most of them are only going to like you as a friend. It is only the special few who you connect with, who you let see your true self, who like you in the same way that you like them that are going to let you in. Banishing the idea of a friend zone is going to open a lot of doors for you. Consider each date as a workout for your dating muscle. You become better at dating, better at opening up, better at knowing what to say and what not to say. Like all social scenarios, there is a certain amount of practice to feel comfortable. If a girl does not like you at the end of that date you either gained a friend or you gained some experience.

Of course dating is soul-sucking and disheartening for many people. But I do not think that your weight is to blame. There are women out there who will find you attractive no matter what you look like but the first thing you have to do is believe it.

If it sounds cliché and too simplistic that’s more or less what most of my dating advice is like. Believe in yourself. Be yourself. Be patient. Don’t give up. Acknowledge that most people out there won’t be for you. Have fun.

As far as the judgmental nature of the world, I sympathize. We often interpret our failings through our own insecurities or our own realities. If someone doesn’t like you, it may be easy to say “it’s because of these ways I feel I am not perfect” …but that may not be the case.

If it is, you didn’t want to date them, anyways.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ‘ask advice’ and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

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