Why does my boyfriend still masturbate?

Why does my boyfriend still masturbate when I’m ready and willing to have sex with him whenever he wants?

Great question.

Masturbation reaches more or less the same ending as sexual intercourse (orgasm, ejaculation, satisfaction) but it gets there differently. Remember that scene in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when Harry is like I gotta do this myself bros. And they’re all No! We have to come with you! And he’s all No seriously it’s just different if I go by myself. You knew what it meant. It wasn’t that having his best friends with him wouldn’t be helpful, or more enjoyable. In fact, he probably would have had a way better time facing Voldemort if Ron and Hermione were there with him. But that wasn’t the point.

Similarly, his desire to get off alone doesn’t mean he doesn’t want and/or need you as his partner.

Masturbation is just different. It’s an entirely different experience. It’s a different kind of sex. And if you’re not masturbating, you should be too. Masturbation is a form of self-love and self-care. It helps us understand our bodies. It’s good alone time. It’s… healthy.

When he masturbates he isn’t saying “I would rather touch myself than have you touch me.” He’s saying “I want to get off. I want to get off quickly or slowly. I want to be alone for a minute with myself. I want this experience to be all about myself.” Because sex with a partner isn’t all about yourself. It’s inherently a couples experience. You’re working to please yourself and the other person. Masturbation gives someone an opportunity to just get themselves off. Period. That’s it.

And of course that sounds a little selfish. Great. Good. Even if you’re in a relationship you should afford yourself some selfish moments. You should go for a run by yourself. You should go for a walk by yourself. You should get out of town by yourself. You should have a little tea by yourself. Because every single thing in your relationship does not revolve around your partner. That especially includes what you do with your body. (With respect, of course.)

I don’t know the exact reason why your boyfriend is still masturbating even though you have super awesome sex. Maybe it’s because he just really likes getting himself off. If so, that is reason enough.

Find room in your relationship to see that his masturbation does not detract from your ability to have a loving sexual relationship together.

If he is frequently choosing masturbation over having sex with you. That is a problem. Discuss together not from a “you need to stop masturbating” perspective, but from a “how can we better communicate when you need to get off so I can be there with you?” perspective.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

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