Fantasies Vs. Sexual Attraction

hello, I am a 25 yr old male virgin, and don’t know how to explain this. I find women very attractive and datee them but it seems when we get intimate I can’t perform. I don’t even get an erection. I masterbate but my fantasies involve me being a woman, with a male entering my vagina. It is the only I get erect and cum. I have had some gender questions about myself. I am asurprised direct contact doesn’t make my penis get excited, is there something else wrong with me,physically?

It sounds like you have two separate issues here that may or may not be related. The first is that you are having issues getting erections when you are with a woman. The second is that your fantasies tend to be based around your gender and possible questions about your gender.

Many men do find that once they are in front of a woman, and naked, the pressure to perform makes it difficult to achieve an erection. This could be happening to you. If you think that might be the case, focus more on non-penetrative sex. Explore oral sex, fingering, caressing, dirty talk, grinding, teasing, or anything else the helps you to get excited. There is not necessarily anything wrong with you if you can’t get an erection, particularly if you can get erections when you’re on your own. Not having had sex before could be contributing to this anxiety.

I would also acknowledge that just because you find women attractive, and you date women, does not mean that you are sexually attracted to women and desire to be with women. There can be a distinction here, as gender in sexuality is not quite so simple as we’ve made it out to be.

I would consider things like Gender Gumby or The Genderbread Person – both easily searchable online. These models show us different scales of gender and sexuality.

Consider things like gender identity (the gender you identify as) sexual orientation (who you tend to like or be attracted to) gender expression (the gender you express yourself as) and your biological sex (whether you are male, female, asexual…) These things can operate on scales. If you haven’t considered where you would place yourself on these scales before it can be helpful to do so, and may push you in the right direction in understanding your gender questions.

Best of luck!

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