QUESTION: Choking & Spitting in the Bedroom

I want the guy I’m having sex with to do things like choke me and spit in my mouth during sex but I don’t want to tell him. I know that’s idiotic but I want it to be his initiative. How can I subtly let him know? Also I’ve never been choked before so I’m not sure how to communicate about it during sex, I feel like that would take away from the experience but I also feel lik ethere’s a fine line between it being pleasurable and uncomfortable. Any advice much appreciated, have a wonderful day!

This is an excellent question! For a lot of people, the dominance and submission of sex, as well as the humiliation of some particular sexual acts, are in part so enjoyable because you feel at a loss of control. You want your partner to do them to you, but you don’t want to feel like they’re just doing it because you told them to.

Because of the nature of choking and spitting (and other such activities) it’s important that you establish some boundaries before playing. It is good that your partner isn’t just doing these things without talking to you first. It’s important to gain consent so you’re on the same page as to what is or isn’t appropriate. Especially in rougher activities where you may be playing the submissive role, a safe word and/or safe action is going to be important.

You can’t develop that safe word without talking to one another about what that word is going to be. Boundaries also allow you to say “spitting here and here is okay, but not here” and other such things that you don’t feel comfortable with. Some of those boundaries you may set along the way as you discover what you like and what you don’t like.

As you said, theres a fine line between pleasure and discomfort. Especially when you tiptoe into these sorts of games.

I would also recommend that your partner look in to proper choking techniques. He won’t want to actually harm you in any way, and that is a delicate area. If I recall, this book has a section on breath play SM 101 I don’t own a copy myself but have spent lots of time flipping through it, and know it would be a good addition to any S/M loving couple.

Once you understand how to play safely, have talked about boundaries and safe words/actions, and feel safe to continue, let him know that these are now types of play that are OK with you. Then the two of you can play with more spontaneity, knowing that those things have already been approved.

Remember: Just because a behavior has been approved doesn’t mean it’s always approved. A girl who might like to be degraded or humiliated doesn’t always want to be degraded or humiliated. Make sure you and your partner can clearly communicate what you are looking to do in bed. Never feel as though you can’t say “I’m not feeling that kind of sex tonight.” If you’d rather have a quieter style of sex, or be on top yourself. It’s also okay to think you might like something and then to change your mind after you’ve tried it.

Ultimately there is a respectful and safe way to have kinky rough sex, and that is the kind of rough sex that you will find me supporting.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

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1 Comment

  1. I have enjoyed ONE relationship with an older Japanese man who had been trained in this form of sexual activity – not the spitting in the mouth but the choking and other rather extreme physical practices whilst engaged in sexual activity. I was willing and at no time was I humiliated or felt degraded. There were strict guidelines and ground rules established prior to me beginning the experience. A keyword (safe word) was established, but fortunately never used. I was at times stressed and experience some discomfort but never uncomfortable with what we were doing, if that makes sense. That was part of the experience and added to the intense sexual pleasure. I had a number of orgasms during the procedure and each one was strong, intense, and thoroughly enjoyed.
    The entire experience last for almost three hours which involved massage discussion and arousal, and time to reflect on what had occurred following my orgasm. Nothing was rushed and procedures were discussed each time and only effected after I approved him proceeding.
    After the event we bathed and I was massaged. We then sat and talked about what we had done and how much we both achieved sexually from the experience. That in itself took almost two hours with some revision/discussions regarding the experience..
    Would i do it again ?. Yes – with a person trained to perform the rituals and procedures, that I could trust.
    Never with a person without proper training or by myself.

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