Tag Archives: Sex

Masturbation and Sex: Table for One?

Leave a reply

Is it strange to not really feel a need for sex/masturbation? I’m a girl and I have masturbated occasionally but I have never orgasmed and I’ve never had sex with anyone else either. I mean I think about sex and I think if I was in a relationship (which I never have been) I would want to have sex, but I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I’m just not a sexual person at all. I’m not against sex or masturbation, it’s just not really on my mind or something that I feel is necessary in my life. I don’t think of it as a negative thing, but I just feel like I’m not normal, considering most people seem to masturbate at a somewhat young age and/or have some sort of regular sexual release. I never feel a strong need/want for sex and I wonder if that’s normal or if it will put a damper on my sex life in the future.

You hear the carnival is coming into town. Everyone keeps talking about this fucking carnival and how awesome the rides are. You don’t have anyone to go with but you want to have fun on your own, so you decide to be the master of your destiny and you go on your own. You have high expectations because of all the news stories and the articles and everything your friends have been saying about it. You get there and you get on the rides and you ride around and you’re like, well, this is fun, but it really doesn’t live up to the hype. Then you decide to leave. You tell your friends “that wasn’t very fun, I don’t get it” and they try to tell you that it’s better if you have someone with you, and what? You didn’t get an elephant ear? You have to get the elephant ear if you want to have fun at the carnival!

My exhaustive point is that it is absolutely not strange to not feel the need for something that you’ve never really done or never really enjoyed. You have never orgasmed. That’s like asking someone if they like brownies if all they’ve ever done is baked them, but never tried the product of all their hard work. Can masturbation (and sex, even) be fun without orgasm? Absolutely. But you’re not going to see the full potential of what you’re doing, the end game, the fuss, if you don’t go full circle.

Sex is the same way. It is all consuming. It’s everywhere. But just because you think you should be excited by it doesn’t mean you’re going to be. In fact, even after people learn to orgasm and experience intercourse, desire for sex varies tremendously. Some people are perfectly happy having sex whenever it happens, and others purposefully seek it out because it becomes such a huge part of their life.

The problem with the story above is that not everyone finds the exploration of sexuality to be equally satisfying. Some people may just think it’s an enjoyable addition to their life. Some people may have bad experience after bad experience and struggle to find the good in it. Some people may realize that they have no interest in sex at all. That’s perfectly normal.

Don’t feel bad, you’re still on your own journey. You’re still figuring it out for yourself. Maybe one day you’ll be masturbating and you’ll orgasm and you’ll get it. I remember the first time I made myself cum. I felt like an addict who accidentally punched a whole in the wall and found a life’s supply of drugs. I was like I can feel this way whenever I want now! It was revolutionary. That’s when I, personally, got it. Before then I was just sort of wiggling my fingers around inside  myself wondering when something would happen and why everyone made such a big deal about it all.

Give it some time and open yourself up to the idea that you just haven’t clicked on it yet. Keep exploring and trying new things, within your comfort zone. Everyone goes through it at one time or another and I have no doubt that you’ll find your place.

Not Turned On

Leave a reply

My partner doesn’t turn me on anymore. I think what turned me on at first was the newness and excitement of being with them. That was years ago now. The idea of sex is appealing and I want it frequently, but I don’t feel sexually attracted to my partner. I have to fantasize about someone else/different situations to even get close to getting off – or even to just not be bored, sometimes. I feel guilty about this and I don’t know what to do. I feel like fantasizing takes me away from something very intimate that I want to be sharing with them. Instead I’m somewhere else. It’s depressing to me and I don’t know what to do. I’m open to suggestions.

There are a couple things that I think could be happening here and I think it’s great that you’re thinking about it. I would suggest reading an older post I wrote here about what can happen when you’re with someone for a while. To summarize: you may lose the initial lustful feelings that you had when you and your partner first started dating. The initial excitement and the newness fades away and is replaced with a variety of other things like trust and stability. It takes work after this period of time (which some people call the “honeymoon period”) to continue to view your partner in that same, super sexy, tingly sort of way. We may look at our partners and find them attractive and want to be with them, but we may need to work harder to continue refreshing that deeper desire. Make sense?

What I’m interested in knowing is if your attraction to your partner fading is not related to this. Are you falling out of love? Are you done? I don’t think all relationships are meant to last forever and I think that sometimes when other attractions fade, so can the physical one. This isn’t to scare people who aren’t having sex or to say that if you’re going through a lull your relationship is doomed.

I do think that being able to vocalize “I’m not sexually attracted to my partner” is a pretty big thing to say.

That would be the first thing that I would reflect on. Are the feelings you have for your partner gone or do you feel that they have changed into something different? If they’ve changed into something different, can you use those new feelings to find new arousal in your relationship?

I think that fantasizing is a great way to keep things spicy when you’re in a relationship. I do not think it is uncommon to close your eyes and think about something or someone different. I don’t think it is that different from watching pornography or reading erotica. I think it can help boost arousal levels and get you rolling. Just ask yourself: are you doing it because you have to, or because it makes it better and more exciting?

Are there are other ways that you could make sex exciting with your partner? Are there things you could do together?

As mentioned above, there are a couple things that could be happening. Look at your relationship and do your best to ask yourself what you can do to make yourself happier and more satisfied. Sometimes that means having a conversation with your partner about what you’ve been feeling and finding ways to improve your sex life and keep that chemistry alive. Sometimes it’s a longer process of recognizing that whatever connection was there isn’t there anymore.

Lastly: other things can play an issue in that disconnect aside from lulls, ending relationships, and a lack of sexual chemistry. Feeling super comfortable with one another can make you “settle” into a sexual routine that may not be completely satisfying to each partner. Stress can make you feel detached from your partner. Resentment, anger, sadness, all these heavy emotions can play a role in the bedroom. The last thing I would recommend in improving your sex life and your connection with your partner is making sure the intimacy is alive outside the bedroom. 

Read More Here about how you can have intimacy without sex.

Good luck.

Do you share your ex-partners?

1 Reply

It’s a chilly spring day and you’re sitting in a café with your partner of a few months. You’re bonding over a hot chai and are all tingly in the energy you’re passing back and forth. It’s new and it’s exciting. You feel super comfortable with this person. So comfortable, in fact, that you find yourselves talking about previous relationships.

It seems like a safe space, so you ask your partner how many people they’ve been with.

Do you disclose this? Is it relevant, is it important? 

I don’t think there is a right answer. It is about what makes you feel most comfortable.

Here are some possible responses:

- I don’t think it matters how many people I’ve slept with

- It’s not something I’m currently comfortable talking about

- I don’t like to think about my sexual experiences in terms of a number

- I’ve had various sexual experiences with a number of people

- That’s a part of my past and I’d really rather focus on our relationship

- I’ve had intercourse with this many people but have played with this many

- I’ve had intimate relationships with all of my ex-partners

- I’m curious why you’re asking that question?

- Are you asking me this question because you are curious about my past experiences? Could you ask me that question in a different way?

What I think is important is that you not blatantly lie about your experiences if you’re looking to build an honest relationship. Whether or not you’re comfortable with using a number to quantify your experiences, it can be misleading to tell your partner you have had more or less experiences than you’ve really had. There is no reason to give an answer that is not honest, because there are plenty of things that you can say that are honest. Even if your answer is “I’m not comfortable with that question” or “this is something I would like to talk about later in our relationship.”

Difficult Thoughts (a practice)

1 Reply

What is a difficult thought? Something contrary to mainstream thinking that you may have to explain to someone else. Something tricky. Something that goes against the grain, against the normative. Something that gets us thinking about what we already know, and how we think about things.

A man who has sex with men is not necessarily homosexual.

You can be a man and identify as a lesbian.

You can have a vagina and identify as a man.

Someone who has three sexual partners may be practicing safer sex than someone with one.

It is possible to love two people at the same time in the same way, similar ways, or different ways.

Limiting access to information about sex controls who is able to have safe sex.

Have difficult thoughts? Add them in the comments box.

 

When he goes too long

Leave a reply

I’m actually pretty lucky in the sense that my boyfriend lasts longer than the average man. My problem is I seem to have trouble lasting as long as he does. I get all super dry and then its physically painful for me to continue. I know my bc method probably doesn’t help so can you make any recommendations on what to do besides switching to a non hormonal bc method?

All bodies have their own ups and downs, things you gotta learn to swing with. The benefit of losing wetness is that you can always add more. I would recommend finding a lubricant that you really like and keeping it by your bed (or futon, or couch, or shower, and so forth.) But sometimes it’s not just about lubrication, right? It’s about hitting that point where you’re done and he just hasn’t finished yet. So there are a few other options.

1. Try not to come as quickly 

If the issue is that you’re coming quickly and are trying to continue to help him get off, try extending your own orgasm. When you feel yourself getting close, back off a bit. Some women can continue to have sex over, and over, and over again after each orgasm. Others find that things get a little too sensitive to continue, and painful if they try. Delaying orgasm and even attempting for simultaneous orgasm can be a fun game to play in the spirit of pleasure.

2. Work on getting yourself back in the zone

If you’re having sex and you’re getting off but then you start to get out of the mood (and your partner is still going at it) try to get yourself back in the zone. Ask him to do something for you, finger yourself, pull out a toy, get that lube, turn on some music, dim the lights. Arousal isn’t all physical – what the body produces – it’s also mental. Getting yourself back into that mental state or helping yourself stay in that mental state can help keep your libido going.

3. Take a break and switch it up

There isn’t any sex manual that says you have to keep going until you’re both done. If you’re tired, take a break. Sit back and watch him masturbate, let him go down on you, go down on him, switch positions, change rooms, get a snack, take a shower. You can do anything you want. What’s going to make it work for you?

4. Help or watch him finish 

If you’re done (whether or not you’ve had an orgasm) but he isn’t – you can help him finish. A blowjob or a handjob, some teasing, some dirty talk, or even just watching him while he finishes himself off. It can be a fun way to end a session and allow everyone to feel like they were satisfied.

Have a sex question? Want relationship advice? Hit “ask” at the top and I’ll answer it on my blog.