Can you suggest a great toy specifically for clit stimulation? I’ve bought vibrators before and the gears were just too rough. Also, will the site I order it from say anything about it being a sex toy on the box? Thanks in advance!

Thanks for the question! Most – if not all – adult sites will send in discreet packaging. This means that the box won’t be see-through dildos with a giant “thanks for purchasing this sex toy!” sticker on the outside. These guys know you might not want your sexy times displayed to your family, your neighbors, your roomies, the fed ex guy. If you want to feel extra secure, you can actually buy sex toys from Amazon. They ship in regular Amazon boxes. Now is a particularly great time to buy a gift for yourself because if anyone asks what you got, you can simply say a gift, for you. (Unless you think this will encourage them all the more to open it.)

I’m not sure what you mean by a rough toy. Do you mean a powerful toy? I would inquire where you are holding the toy on your clit when you’re playing with the toy. My favorite clitoral toy is the Hitachi – perhaps one of the most powerful toys out there. But whether we’re talking about a Hitachi or a small dollar store mini vibe, I cannot and will not hold a vibrator directly on my clit. No thanks, nuh uh. Those little nerve endings are packed so tight that the stimulation is just too much. It goes past pleasure, past discomfort, straight to pain. You know when you zap yourself, grab something hot from the oven, get a paper cut… and you pull your hand back quickly, shocked by the sensation? That’s a lot what putting a toy on my clit feels, and I know there are other woman that feel the same.

How do you get past a super-sensitive clit? Play with the hood of your clit. For some people this is a no brainer, but it’s a huge help if you’re not familiar. The hood is a bit of skin that goes over and protects the clit. Stimulating the hood is a less intense way of stimulating the clit itself. You can press your fingers into it and move them in up and down or circular motions, you can grind against something, or you can hold a toy into it.

If you’re looking for a toy that is smaller, easier to control, and may have settings set specifically for this type of stimulation, I have a few suggestions.

Vibe Pocket Rocket $23.99 - I have this vibe in black, it’s a great basic clitoral stimulator.
Chandra Finger Massager $31.99 – A little toy you slip onto your finger. Might help keep the wrist from being sore.
LELO Siri $98.99 – LELO is a favorite brand of mine for quality toys. I would not spend more than $100 on a clitoral vibe, personally.

And of course the Hitachi for $54.99 right now. If you’re going for the Hitachi (or any toy, really) browse different online stores for the best deal. Especially during the holidays when there are plenty of sales going on. Shopping local can sometimes be a benefit, as you won’t have to pay for shipping.

I’m curious about buying my first toy but I only just turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and I’m nervous about where to go, what to get, and how to get it! Are there any tips you can give to a SUPER NEWBIE? 

I remember the first time that I went into an adult store. I had just turned 18 – so had my best friend – and it was tradition in our small town to go to the adult store together to celebrate the ability. We drove there during lunch in high school, cheeks already flushed from the embarrassment of sex. “I bet there are going to be a ton of creepy dudes there during the day!” We would mock. “There are going to be dicks EVERYWHERE!” As we parked there was a hush put over us, like a car full of girls who don’t know anything and decide not to say anything at all. But the coping in awkward situations with humor continued when we stepped through the door, and everyone went straight to the humor section. Cock shaped pasta, vagina bags, mugs shaped like breasts, shot glasses shaped like penises. There was the undeniable vibe of “We all really just want to look at the dildos and leave with something awesome” but none of us did.

The point of all of this being, of course, that you can now enter adult stores. If you don’t have a friend or if you’re new to the world of adult stores, I would suggest going during the day and/or bringing a friend. It can be a little overwhelming if it’s not something that you’re used to. I would also, as weird as it sounds, suggest looking on yelp for reviews of toy stores in your area. One of the adult shops in Portland (SheBop) is catered to being more female friendly. It is very clean and well-organized and welcoming. This is not the norm for such shops which often may be in seedy parts of town, dark and dreary, run by men, and potentially packed with rooms in which you may or may not be able to ejaculate all over the walls.

If it were me and I were re-doing my first, I would go during the day to a nicer well-reviewed establishment my own on. That way I would feel not first-time embarrassment for buying whatever I wanted. Obviously that’s not really a problem now, but oh boy back then it was. You warm to it a bit.

The benefit of going to an adult store is you can see the toys in person. You can really browse and see things close up. That’s especially important for size – if you’re getting a toy based on size. Often times there are also handy staff who will help you understand what materials mean what in terms of safety.

If you’re not into going and shopping in person, or you simply don’t have a store near you, you can now very easily shop online. Even Amazon carries sex toys these days, and ships in their standard Amazon boxes for discreetness. That said, pretty much any online retailer will ship discreetly for you. (Meaning your box wont say SEX TOYS ARE IN HERE!) on the outside. This can be a bonus if you live at home or live with particularly conservative family members. Think they’ll open the box or ask you what it is? Order close to a holiday or celebration of some sort and say it’s a gift for them or someone else. They’ll be less likely to open it.

As for what kind of toy to get, I think it’s best to experiment and go with what you think looks fun. Good starter toys are basic vibrators made of a silicone or small bullet vibrators. It depends on if you want a toy to penetrate your vagina with or if you’re just looking for a toy to hold up against your clit.

Good luck on your search!

Have a sex question? Want relationship advice? Hit “Ask” at the top and I will answer your question anonymously on my blog!