Tag Archives: Bondage

ETC.

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What is a good rope to use for bondage activities?

It depends on what look you’re going for, what you’ll be using it for, how much you want to spend, and what materials work best on your skin or the skin of your partner.

Extremerestraints.com often has good deals on bondage-type accessories and toys, check out their rope bondage page. Keep an ear out on Savage Love Podcasts, sometimes Dan provides keyword discounts!

Where would you go to find glory holes?

I would suggest searching city-based forums in fetish communities to ask, particularly fetlife.com

Do you have any information on violet wands? What is a TENS unit? How does it work? What does it feel like?

I don’t have the answer to either of these questions, sorry! The rougher stuff isn’t my forté. If anyone here has experience, please leave your thoughts in the comment box.

What is your favorite basic dildo?

This realistic dildo with balls and suction cup.

Do you listen to any podcasts besides Savage Love?

I’ve subscribed to NPR podcasts and some various swinger-casts but the only one I listen to is Savage Love. Mostly due to time, and forgetting.

Hi, do you have a tumblr for sex related stuff?

I used to, but I no longer use it.

you can’t break these cuffs

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Dildos, vibrators, magic beads and lube. What about some bondage? For my next review I decided to surrender myself to the rough stuff. Or the tough stuff? I don’t know. I’ve had various pairs of cuffs in my lifetime but have never owned anything like spreader bars. Like some, I quickly classified them as “more kinky” than other types of bondage and didn’t think much of them beyond that. It wasn’t in my typical array of items I would go for, which is exactly why I chose them when it came time for another review. How about the positives first?

It’s nice to solve your little problems in the bedroom. Lube to add more slickness, increase sensitivity, allow you to go for longer. Vibrators to get that added clitoral stimulation, to help build an orgasm more quickly, to heighten sensations that come with penetration. A nice cock ring to keep the cock extra hard, prevent an orgasm, or even lengthen one. The spreader bars purpose was to solve the little problem habit of me closing my legs. Sure, sometimes sex is intense. Sometimes you get sensitive. But sometimes holding out and continuing can erase those feelings and you can push through to an even more satisfying feeling. If you could only keep your legs open.

Soft cushioning in the cuffs for comfort.

The spreader bars also act as another handy, easily storable, yet strangely diverse bondage set that can not only keep you still and open-legged but assist in a variety of sexual positions. I mean, I can’t be the only one who thought “It sure would be nice if I had a nice stable bar to hold onto right now that happened to be right between my legs.”

Another thing cool about these cuffs? They’re pretty hard to get out of. If velcro’d tightly enough I was in for keeps! I would definitely recommend these bars as a fun holiday gift for your bondage-loving partner.

Okay, the Cons: While it is very stiff, I feel it’s unlikely this product will last a lifetime. It will, however, last many many many uses, and looks like it can take a beating. It can also be difficult to find both comfortable and enjoyable positions to use this toy in while having penetrative sex. Bent over (variations of doggy) seemed to be the easiest.

Stay tuned for more sex toy reviews in the near future, perhaps with some stocking stuffer ideas.

Check out other sex toy reviews I’ve done here.(Now with photo previews)

This product was provided to me free of charge by Eden Fantasys in exchange for an unbiased review.

bringing up bondage- communication 101

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A friend pointed out that most of my question and answer posts can be left simply at “communicate with your partner.” Its true. Its the one thing that they don’t teach you in school. How to talk to your partner (romantic) / how to pick up a partner, and how to talk about sex and sexuality with that partner. If you’re lucky enough to have communication or sexuality courses in high school and/or college you may be able to pick up bits and pieces of knowledge and use deductive reasoning to figure out the rest. If you’re like many people who never get exposed to this kind of education, you might be left off a bit behind.

Communication is important. And while I can give advice on what you should talk about or when you should talk about it I realize that it only goes so far. I cannot give you direct orders. I don’t know your partner. I don’t know your relationship. Most of the hard work has to be done between the two of you.

But there are a lot of pointers that can work given the appropriate context so I figured that I would do a brief communication 101 on one issue that I’ve been asked about frequently.

How do I let my partner know that I’m interested in bondage without freaking them out?

While a fairly ‘vanilla’ activity, this kink can be the entryway into further kinkifying your relationship. If you are new to the world of toys and roleplay it can be a tricky subject to broach. There are some people that do not understand the purpose of bondage and why someone may want to do it. Simply saying “talk to your partner about it” but not be enough of a push.

As with any sexual desire it’s important to ask yourself what is behind the act itself that you enjoy. If you’re interested in bondage you may want to start small, with a pair of non-threatening plush cuffs. Your desire to be cuffed up may stem from the desire to lose yourself during sex. To let someone else have their complete control over you. To feel ravished, wanted, slightly helpless in the moment. Even still, your partner might not understand.

One possible explanation would be the explanation of control. Often times during sex there will be one person who is in control. This is the person who is on top, deciding which positions to be in, initiating the sex, and essentially being the dominant figure. Bondage takes this “role” one step further, by letting your partner truly have control over you. It is an act of trust, and the act of trusting someone to the point of having no ability to move can be a massive push to your emotional arousal.

You can demonstrate this by telling your partner to lay down and close their eyes. Tell your partner to put their hands above their head, behind their back, on the mattress, somewhere where they will keep them for the next few minutes. Then get on top of your partner and tease them. Do whatever it is that you want to do to them without any reciprocation. Explore, please, tease, touch, grab. Be sure that your partner knows that if some touch isn’t wanted, they can tell you to stop. Sometimes a ‘safe word’ aside from the word no is warranted. Then ask your partner what they felt as you were in control and they were “immobile.” Ask if they enjoyed any parts about it. This may give them some perspective into why it is that you want to use an actual restraint during sex.

If your partner is still unsure, suggest trying it once to see how it works. Talk about the boundaries and the safe word, and then put the cuffs to use. Let your partner experience truly being in control of you and see if that is a role that they enjoy. Not everyone does, and they may feel out of place. Particularly if they are used to your reciprocation in the play. If they enjoy it, continue the cuff play off and on when you have sex until the two of you are more comfortable with it. When the cuffs become routine and if the roles fit, you can broach the subject of adding other types of restraints or other types of dom/sub toys into the mix.

Not everyone is savvy to the psychological gains of letting oneself be dominated during sex, and it can take some genuine practice and patience to get to the point where it makes sense. Even then, not everyone enjoys it. This is why having the conversation prior to sex is most important.

I’ve talked about how to actually initiate the bondage play with a pair of cuffs, but how do you start the initial conversation?

This conversation and any other difficult sexual conversation is best discussed when each partner is calm and comfortable. Discuss this in an environment that is either neutral to the both of you or equally comfortable. Make sure that you won’t be interrupted. Don’t have the conversation immediately before, during, or after sex. Enter the conversation with the understanding that your partner may not know what your desires are, what they mean, or how to go about them. Answer any questions they might have about what you want to try, and offer up to the giving portion as well as the receiving portion of the fantasy if applicable. Ask your partner if there is anything that would interest them about this fantasy of yours and how they would see it playing out if you were to try it. If they are unwilling or uninterested, accept their response and let it go. You can feel free to bring it up at a later date but don’t push your partners decision if it is not something they are comfortable with. Not everyone is down for everything.

Lastly! Most of conversation is non-verbal. This does not mean don’t talk. It means that as you are talking, be aware of how your body is positioned. Do not turn away from your partner when talking. Do not cross your arms. Do not scowl. Talk in a calm, steady voice. Listen to your partner when they talk and fully process what they said before you speak. Do not plan what you want to say next as your partner is talking. If necessary, mirror what they’ve said back to them.

Example

Partner: I am not interested in bondage because I don’t want to take advantage of you

You: You feel that if we were to play with bondage that you would be taking advantage of me

Partner: That’s correct

You: You would not be taking advantage of me, because this is something that I am actively interested in doing

Mirroring shows your partner that you have heard and understood their (valid) concerns and gives you the opportunity to continue the conversation in the right direction.

Good luck.

Light Bondage

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My boyfriend and I are both pretty vanilla when it comes to sex but we want to start trying some bondage. What light bondage would you recommend?


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The nice thing about bondage is that it’s really easy to make it ‘light’ or ‘heavy’ with pretty much the same tools.

To start off though I’d recommend easing into it with some toys that aren’t super intimidating. The best place to start, in my opinion, are cuffs that have a quick release. You can get them in all kinds of materials and all sorts of colors and patterns but the trick with these cuffs is that they have a little latch on the side so the person wearing them can get out of them by themselves. Hopefully if you’re in a relationship and are experimenting with bondage you each trust each other enough already, but it’s nice to ease your nerves when you know you have an immediate and self-determined out of the situation if you so desire.

I highly recommend fabric cuffs. They are comfortable, easy to adjust, and relatively inexpensive. This is in place of something pink and furry, metallic, or leather.

Cuffs are the easy place to start. Once you’ve got the wrists down it’s good to move to full body with something like under the bed restraints, ankle cuffs, thigh cuffs, or some good-time hogtie.

I’ve never tried the over the door cuffs but I hear they’re fun. I don’t know if I’d want to be standing the entire time, though, and other cuffs allow you to stand or sit depending on what you’re doing.

Because bondage is about lack of control, some people like pairing it up with a blindfold or a gag ball. I consider those both pretty beginner but you should talk to your partner about what each of you are interested in before you pick something out.

On the other side of the spectrum I consider things like spreader bars, clamps, cock cages, latex, and bondage ropes to be a bit more “advanced” but again that’s just my opinion and other people are going to have different ideas on what to start with.

Have fun!