FFM

Someone requested that I do a post on FFM threesomes for newbies, so here is a little writeup.

Just a reminder: You can submit requests as well as questions to my formspring! Want to hear me write about something in particular, but aren’t sure what it is that you want to know? Just let me know what the subject matter is and I’ll give my two cents.

An FFM threesome is a threesome that has two females and one male, or two people with vaginas and one person with a penis. First, lets dispel two “myths.”

1. The “male fantasy” myth

The way the FFM threesome is depicted in media is very interesting – your typical scenario of two women pleasing one man. In all reality, a threesome isn’t necessarily going to work out like this. My favorite way of taking a hammer to the illusion is by reminder the ‘M’ that he now has twice the ladies to get off – and some ladies are insatiable. Not only that, but if he’s not familiar with each of the ladies already, he might not even know what button to push. Not meaning to be disheartening, it’s a reminder to keep your head on straight. Even the best fantasies come with their own rules, boundaries, expectations, and realities to deal with. As with anything else shown heavily in porn, remember that reality is a little bit different. At least.

2. All women want to be with other women

In FFMs in particular, you might not find yourself with two women who want to get groovy with one another. Is this a deal-breaker, or is this what you’re looking for? If you’re looking for the unicorn (in particular, a bi-sexual woman) you might have to request this specifically, while keeping in mind that bi-sexual women tend to get plenty of requests for threesomes. It is possible to have an FFM with one or two straight women, but the rules and boundaries will likely be different. Keep it in mind.

First things first, you have to find your #3. Since it’s most common for a couple (one male, one female) to seek out a third female, that’s how I’ll set this up. It’s entirely possible and not uncommon for two women to seek out a male third for a threesome, and if anyone wants me to write about this specifically I’d be glad to.

I have a strong preference for starting with people you already feel comfortable with. That means looking in your lives and seeing if there is anyone you’re both comfortable and interested in who you believe might be comfortable and interested in you too. Sometimes this is a close friend, sometimes it’s an acquaintance, sometimes it’s a friend of a friend. It is helpful to put the word out on some sort of moderately discreet channel that you two are looking for a threesome so you can get friends involved in pointing out people they think would be interested. If you already have someone(s) in mind – this step might be easier.

From that point, I think being direct is helpful. Get in touch with the person you’re interested in and slowly pull out what your situation is. I’m seeing/with this person and we’re interested in threesomes… have you ever been in one… is it something you’re interested in… we were curious if you’d ever want to meet up with us to get to know each other and see if we clicked… we’d be curious if you wanted to come over tonight… we’d be curious if you’d like to go out with us… 

The dialogue is going to be different depending on your situation and the person you’re talking to. Feel it out. It’s important to have good communication skills, to be very clear, and to feel out the vibe you’re getting from whoever it is. Sometimes you can tell it’s not going to happen immediately, sometimes they’ll give in and ask more. Don’t go too far. If they’re not interested or intrigued, you’re not going to want to pursue them as an option.

If you don’t know anyone and don’t think anyone in your circle would be interested or if you want to purposefully seek someone outside of your circle, you have some work to do. I suggest going out to clubs where you feel comfortable interacting with other people, or making an account on a website like OkCupid. Put yourself out there and make your desires transparent – being an active participant in the process of making this happen. It’s might be difficult and discouraging and you might have to wait a while to find the right match for the two of you.

Okay – you have your person.

Discuss Boundaries First

You know, right after you talk about STDs and birth control. Boundaries are very very important. You don’t just have your likes and dislikes and your partners, but you have the third persons to think about too. A threesome is about three people getting what they want out of a sexual encounter. It is for all of you – not just the two of you. Make sure that everyone is getting what they came for and that they’re not being expected to do anything that they’re not comfortable with.

An example would be:

“I really imagine it being fluid. You two would start making out while I watched and then I would jump in. We would take our clothes off, all playing with each other, and then go to the bedroom. At that point we would all go down on one another. You would watch me with them and then they would watch us. I would like everyone to be involved at all times if possible but I’m comfortable standing out from time to time if that’s OK. We will always use condoms and will have lube on hand. If I cum before everyone else and I feel like I’m done, I might stay to watch or I might leave the room but you can continue if I leave.”

“That sounds great, except I would prefer if no one left the room. I think that if someone orgasms we can wrap things up from that point on unless they feel like they want to continue or watch.”

“I would like to mention I don’t like to be spanked or hurt in any way, but I do like to be called names.”

“Oh, I don’t like to be called names, so please don’t call me any.”

And onward, until people feel comfortable.

The Day Of

You’ll want to set up a spot where you know people will be comfortable. Having water or snacks on hand isn’t a bad idea. The lighting might be important for some, so it can be nice to have dimming lights or a softer option for light. Have condoms ready, as well as lube. Go to the bathroom beforehand if you can remember. Music is helpful to keep the mood light and to avoid awkward silences.

The pace from this point on varies depending on the boundaries you’ve set up and the goals you’ve set. Typically you’ll begin touching and kissing each other and progress from that point to getting naked. A good threesome will feel fluid, everyone always actively involved even if they aren’t currently participating in the touching/sex. This isn’t to say that a threesome that isn’t fluid wont be good. Some threesomes can start out choppy, experience issues with arousal, require lots of communication. This is the same with ANY type of sex.

It is most important to go into the experience with an idea of what you hope to get out of it, but with the understanding that it’s ultimately about the experience. If it doesn’t go 100% to plan, you have to be willing to roll with the punches. As with one on one sex, go with the flow, and take things as they come. If something is out of your comfort zone, let someone know. If you want things to stop, call it off. If you’re experiencing a hard time getting wet or hard, take a time out and then start things up again, or leave the room and come back. Masturbate, if that helps, or let people know what you need. A threesome is, obviously, sex between three people. Think about it like sex between three people.

A lot of it is difficult to describe without experience. Starting can begin quickly and effortless or with a bit of foot-dragging if you’re nervous. Finishing can be obvious and exhausting or it can be sudden and unexpected. As with one on one sex, you’ll learn from your experiences and likely have better experiences next time. This is why I think deciding you’re going to have a threesome is not so much a one off fantasy experiment, but a choice you make with your partner to experiment with three-way-sex.

Not all threesomes are good, but a lot of them are, and the good ones are worth working at and searching out.

gay bashing

Appearing yesterday on Fox News Sunday, Osteen told host Chris Wallace, “I believe the Scripture says that being gay is a sin. But, you know, every time I say that, Chris … people say, well, you are a gay hater and you’re a gay basher. I’m not. I don’t — I don’t dislike anybody. Gays are some of the nicest, kindest, most loving people in the world. But my faith is based on what I believe the Scripture says, and that’s the way I read the Scripture.”

– [source]

What do you think? Does believing homosexuality is wrong mean that you are a “gay basher?” I only left two options in the poll, I suppose only reply if you have strong feelings either way. There is a whole lot of room in the middle to debate what exactly it means, and that can be done in the comments!

do threesomes ruin relationships?

“A lot of people, their relationships are destroyed, and there were no threesomes involved…”

“People always want to blame sex.”

“If somebody is having threesomes or initiating threesomes for the right reasons it’s about the bond with their partner.”

“Couples that have threesomes, and it doesn’t destroy their relationship, don’t run around complaining about it.”

what I’m reading

Ten inexpensive items to keep in your pantry

Lentil, beans, oats, rice, onions, spices… yeah! Learn how to cook so you don’t die or become obese.

Today CA considers the “ex-gay therapy” bill – CNN reports on survivors

Pleased by the usage of “survivors” here, since many who go to “reparative” therapy for being gay either become depressed or attempt suicide. (Not too surprising since the entire therapy is based off of denying who you are and forcing yourself to become something different.)

A new study about why religion exists shows that those who are religious show more self-control and the ability to delay gratification

And then when they finally give in they feel twice as bad about it as non-religious people, amiright? These “what is religion for?” studies are always interesting to probe into the idea of religion, but I’m still not convinced there is a “god part of the brain.”

Weight now plays a role in refused organ donations

The number one reason I have a hard time with body acceptance? We’re so fucking fat in America. With obesity rates potentially growing to 42% by 2030, do you need any more reason to click on the first link and then run to the store?

Get hired doing what you love?

Also known as: social networking and start gaining experience as soon as you’re born. Okay, cynical.

 

Keep your butt clean, word.

I have a lot of blemishes on my buttcheeks. I don’t sweat a lot or anything and I shower daily.. Why and what can I do about it?

Exfoliating is a great way to help prevent and get rid of back and butt acne (bacne) – ! To exfoliate your skin, get a scrub and rub the scrub onto your skin while you’re in the shower. I really like St. Ives Apricot Scrub. You can also use your regular soap with a loofa (some have handles which can make access easier) – a washcloth – or shower gloves. Some people make their own scrubs at home by using mixes of salts or sugars, honey, vaseline… though if you’re unfamiliar with scrubs it might be easier to pick up a scrub your first time to get a hang of it.

It’s also important to remember to wear clean, breathable clothing, and to change sheets often. All of these things will contribute to cleaner skin, and less blemishes!

Lastly, check to make sure that you aren’t allergic to any products you use. It’s also important to use products made for sensitive skin if you have sensitive skin, which you might. Check your soaps and shampoos to make sure none of these products are at major fault for clogging your poor pores.

pornography

I have to write a paper on pornography. Got any good porn resources? Books, articles, research, etc.?

Unfortunately I don’t think I’ve ever done a research paper on pornography itself, so I don’t have anything off the top of my head. I also haven’t read any books specifically on porn, although there are some out there. I did read Jenna Jamesons book, but that’s not necessarily a peer reviewed resource. Ahem. I would suggest hitting up the usual spots. If you have time to check out books from the library still, search on amazon for books about pornography. Check out google scholar, as well.

I would recommend using sources primarily from the past couple of years as the viewpoint of pornography changes pretty frequently. The studies that are coming out now might also be more… interesting, than studies that came out in a time where internet pornography wasn’t as prevalent. Those are some things I could keep in mind as you look.

Good luck!

bad kissing chemistry

my boyfriend & i aren’t very compatible when it comes to our kissing styles- i might even go as far as to say he’s a bad kisser. he insists that it’s a well-known unspoken “rule” that girls are supposed to keep their tongues in their own mouth when making out and only boys are supposed to allow their tongue to leave their own mouth. maybe I’m ignorant but i’ve never heard of such a thing. is he right? and is bad kissing chemistry a dealbreaker? how do we deal with this?

As my friends on the internet say, he’s cray cray. There is no such rule – none that I’ve ever heard. Even if there was, it doesn’t make much sense. No more sense than the rule that says girls can’t make the first grope, or showing your left tit before your right tit says something about your moral agenda. I just made those up. Diabolical laugh.

Sorry, uh, this type of chemistry is a toughie! Some people you kiss and it just works, you form a little mold together. With others you may have to slightly alter your style to match theirs. My favorite method for this is a fun challenge: tell your partner how you want them to kiss you. It’s fairly straight forward, but it can turn a simple assignment into a kinky game.

“I want you to kiss me back exactly like I kiss you.”

“I want you to kiss me slowly, and passionately.”

“I want to make out with you and use lots of tongue.”

There are also two important things you have to do. The first is challenge him when he says things like this. No. Bullshit. I can get my tongue all up in that just like you can. What are you talking about and where di you hear that, because it’s not true. Also: if he’s kissing you and you’re not kissing EACH OTHER – don’t let it go on. Don’t let him get his kiss all up on you without it being a partner experience. If you’re not kissing him back with some fluidity, it’s not going to feel right. I’m guessing this is what you’ve been experiencing.

I do think some of this is just chemistry – different styles, different people. As I mentioned in my “Can the sex get better?” post, sometimes that can be improved upon with practice, and sometimes things just don’t end up clicking. I would communicate how you feel about it clearly, and then work on making things more fluid between the two of you. Hopefully with some good intentions, clear goals, and practice, you can get where you want to be.

If the kissing were A) Bad B) A constant conflict C) You had different ideas of what good kissing was, it would be a deal breaker for me. Work out what your own personal deal breakers are and how far and hard you’re willing to go to make things work. Ultimately I think sometimes things like this can be a sign of a greater inconsistency in the relationship, and potentially a greater sign that some sort of chemistry just isn’t there.