Finding G-Spot: Finger Edition

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This question might be too much but here goes. Wondering if you have any tips for finding your g-spot with your fingers. I managed to hit it with toys but when I try to find it with my fingers…it’s just not working. I lose my patience and/or my arm gets tired. Any suggestions would be great! Thanks!

The g-spot is on the upper wall of the vagina, which is why you will see g-spot toys as being curved upwards. G-spot toys are great because they give you the extra leverage to reach the spot. I find that stimulating my own g-spot with that come-hither motion gives my hand a cramp, so I rarely attempt playing with it on my own. Not so much of a bad thing if you’re more of a clit masturbator.

The first thing you’ll want to do is get aroused so the blood flows to the genitals and the tissues become more prominent. This will help you pick out the g-spot. Insert your fingers and curve them upwards. It’s likely you’ll feel anything just running your fingers around, so try pressing your fingers in to the upper wall. I think it is helpful to look for a particular sensation rather than a particular “spot.” The spot will feel different once you find it, but it’s the deep sensation you get from stroking on it that will tell you you’ve got the right place.

I think it’s quite nobel to try and find it on your own, with your fingers. I would try the above for a while, even trying putting a pillow under your butt to prop yourself up a little higher. Keep pressing inwards and see if you can find it. If it were me, I would continue using the toy for g-spot stimulation. You’re not going to get as tired as quickly, which will lead to greater stimulation, and perhaps a more powerful orgasm.

Have fun and enjoy yourself, there’s no right or wrong way to do that.

Have a sex question? Want relationship advice? Hit ask at the top of the page to submit!

Queen of Cock Mountain

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I was having a conversation with my dear friend Jeffrey Beardsman about sexual intercourse. See, Jeffrey had been a bit wary as to the juxtaposed images of me – quiet sullen girl – and my, lets say, innate sexual prowess. This wariness came from being unsure of how much is appropriate to say to a friend. The inner battle of “I’m quite a pervert” and “but I’m also a feminist.”

It doesn’t matter so much if your friend is completely open with her sexuality because you still don’t want to offend her, right? This is what good men say, as even good men can be perverts.

So we chatted on and somehow made it ’round back to my own sexual escapades. It was noted in some way or another that I had not made any mention of the things that I did for others, only the things that I did for myself. This is because I don’t like to brag, I really detest it. It makes me feel sweaty gross, dirty, awful. Like I’ve opened up a part of myself that shouldn’t even exist to begin with.

How do you share that pure moment of ecstasy with someone without making your life seem like a 30 second preview for the latest episode of Girls?

Sometimes I experience this deep dark desire to turn my blog into some names-changed-sex-novelette. To blur the details, change the locations, and go full frontal. The problem as a sex blogger is you’re always trying to determine what is appropriate to share and what isn’t. The same thing goes for real life. Real, actual conversations.

My rule(s) of thumb is this: try to only say things that, if they were there, your partners would not be ashamed to overhear. Do not expose any information about them that you think belongs between the two of you. And, for the love of god, don’t brag. Don’t say anything remotely like “it was the best sex they ever had” because, if it was, there are other more interesting ways to say that. There are ways in which the listener can conclude this on their own.

Then again there ought to be one or two friends that you can hold dearly, text in the middle of the night as you lay naked in your own disgusting sex-sweats, and spam with emoticons.

We did it, we did it, we finally did it, and I am queen of cock mountain.

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Masturbation and Sex: Table for One?

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Is it strange to not really feel a need for sex/masturbation? I’m a girl and I have masturbated occasionally but I have never orgasmed and I’ve never had sex with anyone else either. I mean I think about sex and I think if I was in a relationship (which I never have been) I would want to have sex, but I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I’m just not a sexual person at all. I’m not against sex or masturbation, it’s just not really on my mind or something that I feel is necessary in my life. I don’t think of it as a negative thing, but I just feel like I’m not normal, considering most people seem to masturbate at a somewhat young age and/or have some sort of regular sexual release. I never feel a strong need/want for sex and I wonder if that’s normal or if it will put a damper on my sex life in the future.

You hear the carnival is coming into town. Everyone keeps talking about this fucking carnival and how awesome the rides are. You don’t have anyone to go with but you want to have fun on your own, so you decide to be the master of your destiny and you go on your own. You have high expectations because of all the news stories and the articles and everything your friends have been saying about it. You get there and you get on the rides and you ride around and you’re like, well, this is fun, but it really doesn’t live up to the hype. Then you decide to leave. You tell your friends “that wasn’t very fun, I don’t get it” and they try to tell you that it’s better if you have someone with you, and what? You didn’t get an elephant ear? You have to get the elephant ear if you want to have fun at the carnival!

My exhaustive point is that it is absolutely not strange to not feel the need for something that you’ve never really done or never really enjoyed. You have never orgasmed. That’s like asking someone if they like brownies if all they’ve ever done is baked them, but never tried the product of all their hard work. Can masturbation (and sex, even) be fun without orgasm? Absolutely. But you’re not going to see the full potential of what you’re doing, the end game, the fuss, if you don’t go full circle.

Sex is the same way. It is all consuming. It’s everywhere. But just because you think you should be excited by it doesn’t mean you’re going to be. In fact, even after people learn to orgasm and experience intercourse, desire for sex varies tremendously. Some people are perfectly happy having sex whenever it happens, and others purposefully seek it out because it becomes such a huge part of their life.

The problem with the story above is that not everyone finds the exploration of sexuality to be equally satisfying. Some people may just think it’s an enjoyable addition to their life. Some people may have bad experience after bad experience and struggle to find the good in it. Some people may realize that they have no interest in sex at all. That’s perfectly normal.

Don’t feel bad, you’re still on your own journey. You’re still figuring it out for yourself. Maybe one day you’ll be masturbating and you’ll orgasm and you’ll get it. I remember the first time I made myself cum. I felt like an addict who accidentally punched a whole in the wall and found a life’s supply of drugs. I was like I can feel this way whenever I want now! It was revolutionary. That’s when I, personally, got it. Before then I was just sort of wiggling my fingers around inside  myself wondering when something would happen and why everyone made such a big deal about it all.

Give it some time and open yourself up to the idea that you just haven’t clicked on it yet. Keep exploring and trying new things, within your comfort zone. Everyone goes through it at one time or another and I have no doubt that you’ll find your place.

Sexy Questions

I just finished clearing out my queue, know what that means? It’s a great time to submit your question. Haven’t asked before? It’s pretty easy. Submit your question by hitting “ask” at the top of my site. All questions are anonymous. Most people ask things about sex, sexuality, and relationships. If you’re curious about something and want to ask, give it a shot!

Questions are answered on my blog on Mondays and Wednesdays but they can be submitted any time.

If you don’t have a question but just want me to write about a topic you’re curious about, prompts work great too! You help guide what is on my site, so tell me what you’re curious about, and let’s get at it.

Happy Friday!

May Wishlist: Toys

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To get back into the swing of things with toys, I have to make a confession. I’ve completely abandoned my collection. They lay in a pile, unused and unloved. Instead of borrowing my AA batteries from my remote to use in my toys, I’ve been borrowing the batteries from my toys to put into my remote. Simply: I’m sick. I lost those lustful feelings. I’ve been uninterested in masturbation lately, mostly because, well, there’s just so much else going on. “I’d just rather cuddle tonight” or “can’t we watch TV?” I hid them under a blanket, these inanimate objects have feelings, I’m sure of it.

I’m not completely void of vibratory pleasures. My magic wand has been all like, engorgio, a flick of the wrist to the clitoris. Granger would be proud. It stays plugged in next to my bed (unadvised, truly) and I attend to it like an addict every so often.

It’s time for an intervention. It’s time to put on my sassy pants and make a date in silicone valley. What’s been happening in Toyland? What new models have been made? What new materials have been crafted? How many trees have been cut down and shaped by hand into ring-around-the-cock? May is Masturbation month. What better time to answer some of these questions?

Here are the top five things on my wishlist right now! Have you tried any of them? What’s on your list this month? Spring is an awesome time to start thinking about toys again, but I’d say that about any season. Onward!

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1. Maia Silicone Balls $20.00

I’ve played with these little balls in person and it was like a kid in a toy store. Or a candy store. Aren’t they cute? Just don’t pop them in your mouth. They go somewhere else.

2. Maia Astral Dildo $49.00

I guess this brand has a way with me, because this dildo looks positively adorable. If you’ve never tried anything with ribs, this looks like it could be a good bet.

3. Seduction $160.00

I don’t own any wooden toys (note the price, yowza) but having handled with them in person, I can see the appeal. Much like glass toys they can heat up to the bodies temperature fairly quickly and stay warm with play. They are super silky smooth, though perhaps not the toy for someone who prefers a little give.

4. Kandi Kisses $59.00

I was never too fond of lipstick vibrators, but this little guy would look great in my purse.

5. Lyla 2 $139.00

Remote vibrators are still in, and this one looks rocking. It’s made by LELO, need I say more?

Finding Bisexuality

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Flirting with women is one of the most confounding experiences on the entire face of the universe. I learned this early on, somewhere parallel with my sexual orientation. You don’t have to be a straight dude to come home and nurse a beer, pop your feet up on the coffee table, and say women with exasperation.

The first experiences I had flirting with women didn’t go over so well. I had to balance whatever weird gooey feelings I was developing for girls with the fact that most girls show general affection by doing what people told me was “flirting.” I also wasn’t really thinking about sex with women because what does that even mean? I figured if I was a lesbian some sort of alarm switch would activate. I’d be walking down the street one day talking to one of my lady friends and my skin would turn green and they’d shout AHHHHH GET IT AWAY and run down the street screaming.

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In some respects, that might have been easier than having to figure it out all on my own. Without anyone telling you what liking women means you’re left in some weird blank space where you’re trying to look at ladies like you do men. “Well, I’d like to see his penis, but she doesn’t have a penis, and I’ve already seen my own vagina, so… I guess I don’t really know what this whole bisexual thing is really about.” When you’re young, all you’ve got to rely on is what other people tell you and what you experience.

The more wary I became of my feelings the harder it was to keep tabs on my female friendships. Nothing was overtly sexualized, but spending the night at a friends house stirred up strange feelings. It felt intimate, but that intimacy was interpreted as “closeness” which was interpreted as “friendship” and when I said “you look really good” I meant “you look really good” but what I think I really meant was “well, even I’m attracted to you.”

It was an awkward game of complimenting my friends because that’s just what friends did when they were together. Your hair looks so great. You’d be so good at piano. Look, dancer legs! Then they’d develop some crush on some boy and you’d say oh he’s so lucky. There wasn’t much pain for me because I didn’t even know I had crushes and I didn’t even know I liked them in that way. There was nothing to base my attractions on. Does this sound confusing yet?

It’s hard to say if I really did have crushes on them, even though that’s what it feels like now that I look back on it all. I cared about them a lot and I liked them and I was attracted to them but being young and naive and not having the right tools to describe those feelings and not knowing how to differentiate between friendship and love, I was lost.

I ended up pushing most of my female friends away. Just too confusing. Ladies are a lot of work, I said. All they do is take take take. Presumably it was me, just not knowing what to ask for.

No one should be expected to know exactly how to handle their sexuality when they’re going through puberty. Fucks sake, it’s an animal. But I suspect if someone had been there to give me the tools I would have figured it out a lot sooner. If someone explained what same-sex attraction looked like, if someone talked about bisexuality, if I knew more about lesbians than what I saw on TV.

I think I would have been better off.

I wonder sometimes what growing up looks like how and if we’re going to reach a place where young boys and girls are just as willing (or unwilling, if I’m remembering things right) to share their crushes if they’re same sex or opposite sex. I wonder if sexual orientation won’t be something that is gross anymore. I wonder if we’ll stop over-sexualizing bisexuality. I wonder if we’ll stop teasing kids who are gay so they can figure these things out.

I think we’ve got a long way to go.

Writing About Writing

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There’s a blogging habit that I try to avoid, but I’m going to dig in a little bit now, and I hope you’ll excuse me for it.

1. Something happens

2. Someone writes about it

3. Someone acknowledges that it was written about

4. Other people write about it

5. Group think

I was really excited to see Angelina Jolie writing about her struggle with breast cancer, even though it was potential breast cancer, and preventative work. I thought that it was interesting to read about what she went through and get it straight from her. Often these things come second hand, with some measure of guess work. The internet immediately broke out into a series of celebratory messages. She’s so brave, it’s so wonderful, breast cancer is so scary, what a powerful thing to say as a woman.

A couple hours later the tide shifted. Who can afford that? She got her breasts back, of course she feels good about herself. Suddenly people realized hey, fuck her.

I think there are two important things to think about. The first is that everyone has an important story to share and Angelina Jolie’s story is no less special or important just because of the way it ended. She had the means, others don’t, but she shared her story. It was just one story. She isn’t deserving of that kind of backlash. She’s one of the good ones.

On the other hand, I also think it’s important that we are able to do what we’re doing when we look at something like this and break it apart. Yeah this is sweet but… also, what does it mean? How does it reflect on privilege and class and how does it reflect the state of our healthcare system?

The problem I have with writing about these things is that someone else has already done it. I’m not bringing anything new to the table. I’m taking all these ideas people had and I’m saying “nanana, here’s what I think” rather than “I have a story too.” I don’t have a story. I’m not saying anything.

How can we process the stories that we read and then become inspired to share our own stories instead of vomiting back out how we feel about someone else’s? While, still, being able to think critically about what we take in?

I think in writing about sexuality that is particularly important because all sexual relationships are different and what is true for one person or one couple might not be true for another. When I read other people’s blogs I don’t come back to mine and say “so and so said this but let me tell you what I think.” I’m going to write something different. I’m going to pose new questions. I’m going to get a different conversation started.

I think that there’s something powerful in maintaining the original content on the internet and I think that bloggers have some responsibility to balance how much they talk about what they want to talk about and how much they talk about things that are relevant in the world.

Are you acknowledging what is going on around you, or are you just repeating what everyone else is saying? Are you giving something new? Seems like a good thing to think about this week.