Things that have made me laugh during sex:

1. Queefing

There is no denying it, queefing is awkward. It’s not only awkward, it’s hilarious. For those of you who aren’t in the know, a queef is essentially a vagina fart. Too much air gets pushed into the vagina and when it comes out it makes a fart-like sound. Queefing is especially common with girl on top when air gets pressed in. You might be queefing for a while, after that. What men don’t know (and never will) is that queefing not only sounds strange but feels very strange as well. This is just another reason why it will (almost certainly) send me into a fit of giggles.

2. Disney movies

Have you ever had sex while watching a Disney movie, or a movie of equally strange background noise? If you have, you understand why this one is also giggle worthy. The next time you’re in the sheets and Simba starts singing I just can’t wait to be king all of a sudden nothing in that movie will ever be sacred every again.

3. Falling off the bed

So you’re thrusting, thrusting, thrusting, and all of a sudden you’ve done a backflip off the bed and you’re laying halfway in the bathroom butt naked covered in jizz. These things happen.

4. The blood rushing to my head

Along the same lines, if you’re being pushed off the bed and your head flops over all the blood goes to your head. The giggling resulted from this might not be of your choice.

5. Cum in strange places

How did cum get behind my ears? I don’t know, but it’s hilarious.

6. Breaking expensive things

In the midst of a large deep thrust my brand new macbook slid off the bed onto the hardwood floor and dented, making the battery fall all the way out. It kept playing music so we kept going, giggling about how much trouble we’d just caused with our fucking. That’s life, isn’t it? What’s done is done. Laugh and keep fucking.

7. Slippage

Off a cock, over boobs into chin, into asshole… it’s only not funny when it’s surprise buttsex.

8. Awkward sex positions

I’ve tried plenty.

9. Waterfall/Cumfall

Waterfall: When you are having sex in the tub or a hot tub and you stand up afterwards and all the water falls out of your vagina.

Cumfall: After you have sex and all of the cum runs down your legs as you try to escape to the bathroom.

10. Ticklish butt

Don’t judge me.

What makes you laugh during sex?

Your brain goes through the same processes in a break-up as it does with death. You have to learn how to live without someone who was very close to you, and perhaps someone you even depended on daily if your relationship was very serious. Read books on grief and apply them the best you can to the feelings you’re having. You can try to follow the basic five stages of grief if that helps.

Denial:
We’ll be together again, I know we will. We’re meant for each other.

Anger:
I can’t believe they’re doing this to me. Why are they being so cruel?

Bargaining:
I will be such a better girlfriend if they just give me one more chance, just one more chance. I’ll do anything for another chance.

Depression:
I am never going to find someone else like them. They were the perfect boyfriend. Who else is going to do the things they did for me?

Acceptance:
You know, I’m doing okay. Things weren’t as great as I thought they were. I know that I can find better. I know that I will find better. I love them, I really do, but I don’t know if I can be in love with them anymore.

With acceptance remember that a break up is a good thing, not a bad thing. It didn’t work for a reason, whether that reason was yours or his. That means that you were in a relationship that wasn’t working, even if you were in love. A relationship with only love is not a relationship you want to be in because it will make you unhappy. Or obsessed.

The magazine said that you should dim the lights, get in bed, and tease yourself to a great orgasm. Basically, be your own fuck buddy. You are in control of your orgasm and you can have whatever you want, enjoy it. Me? I didn’t think that sounded like a good enough idea. It was too simple. Isn’t that just code for “masturbate, and make it good”? I think we all do that often enough, let’s get creative.

Last night I though I would expand on this idea. I had no plans of writing about it (and really only made this connection today) but I think some of you might benefit from trying it as well.

One, draw yourself a bath

If you don’t have a bath, continue reading but know I won’t be making any alterations for you. What I did was entirely in the bathtub and unless you have a giant rubber tub big enough to comfortable relax in you’re out of luck.

Two, make sure the bath is bordering on too hot. I like to get into the tub as it’s filling up with water so my body can adjust to the hot temperature. I have especially cold feet so getting into a hot tub all at once is too much for me. Filling it up around you let’s you better gauge the right temperature. Add bubble bath if you like, but I think it fogs the visuals.

Three, bring a toy.

The toy I used was a clear rubber dildo (veins and balls included) with a suction cup on the bottom. The suction cup would come in handy later on. It is preferable to use a toy that doesn’t have batteries if you’re going to be in the tub unless it is waterproof. Check, first!

Four, water proof lube.

When I started using the toy I wanted to see how it would work with no lube. While I knew that it was iffy I thought it would be fun anyways. No surprise- it doesn’t work. If you’re already aroused you’ll get the toy in okay but because the water washes away all your natural lubrication you’ll be sliding the toy against a raw pussy. Get some wet platinum or comparable waterproof lubricant and put that on the toy before you use it.

Five, water in the vagina isn’t fun.

It isn’t. I suggest scooting yourself up out of the water and putting the toy in and then getting back in the water. Feel free to thrust in and out once the toy is in you, but know if you take it all the way out and put it back in again you’ll get more water in the vagina. I find it pretty uncomfortable. You’ll get some regardless (those who haven’t played in the tub) but whatever you can do to slim that down is good.

So you’re in the tub and you’ve got your toy- so get to. Tease yourself, close your eyes, fantasize… go at your own pace. There is no one there that you’ve got to help reach an orgasm but yourself. Once you start to get close, stop and just lay back in the warmth of the tub. Go again, and stop again. Do this until you you find yourself too close.

At this point I sat up a bit and suctioned the toy to the bottom of the tub. This is *especially* awesome because it’s like you’re fucking someone in the tub- assuming your tub is large enough to do this. Go up and down a bit and enjoy, cum if you want to. It’s all up to you.

Once you cum fill the tub back up with warm water (it’s probably cooled off a bit by now) and relax. If you’ve got any energy left in you shave your legs, pussy, under your arms, wherever else… some exfoliating is always nice too. Hey, if you’re going all out to make yourself feel good you might as well go mini spa while you’re at it!

One thing that I found funny was that the water stayed warmer while I was masturbating than it normally does when I’m taking a bath. Body heat, much?

*Optional*

• Using the faucet to cum. Scoot down so your clit is under the faucet and turn on the water. Make sure the water is a good temperature first! Direct the water onto your clit and cum (fast.)
• Use a vibrator. While I think it’s more fun to use a toy and keep it inside you while you play with your clit some people prefer the battery powered vibration. If you like that, make sure it’s waterproof.
• Go for DP. Double penetration. Bring anal beads or a butt plug with you. Being relaxed and aroused with no interruptions is a good time to experiment.
• Fantasize. Really. Get dirty about it. You’re in the tub, you can get clean afterwards!

During my freshman year of college I took a pilates course. If you’ve ever taken a pilates course (or a yoga course, or something else similar) than you know that a large majority of the positions used in class are positions you can use or have used during sex. I found myself often unable to focus during these classes because it would either be arousing or a huge turn off. You also run the risk of exercise kegels (which piss me off- to be frank) in some of the positions. The benefit of taking these classes, besides the obvious flexibility, is being able to explore new sex positions. While one like in the picture might not be the most comfortable, being flexible allows you to lift your legs up higher, bend them further, and keep yourself situated as such for a longer amount of time.

I highly recommend taking a class like this to improve your flexibility, or working on it on your own at home in your spare time. Even if you’re not having sex it can improve your circulation and your posture and make you feel… good.

Do you find that your flexibility makes your sex life easier? Harder? Have you tried any especially bendy positions, and did you enjoy them?

I feel like watching some videos, want to watch some videos?

And so we did. The position to be reviewed (and I haven’t in such a long time) is a sitting girl on top one. I don’t believe that this one is detailed quite as such in my book so I will do my best to describe the alterations we made to it.

1. Boyfriend sits on computer chair naked (preferably with something under his butt to catch the sure to be semen) and gets hard if he’s not already.

2. Girlfriend (moi, in this case) sits facing the computer on hard cock. Goal? Watch pornography as long as you can without making boyfriend cum.

The extent of this position was rocking slowly back attempting to not cum. There are a whole wide range of positions like this but this one is one of my favorites. If you’re not a fan of pornography (or dirtying up your computer chair) you can do the same position on the bed or couch with the same effect.

Why it’s hot? Teasing yourself into orgasm (or attempting not to orgasm) can create a bigger buildup than you’re used to. The intimacy of the position (sitting on your partner very close) can also increase the emotional buildup. Oh- and you get to watch porn. That’s hot in itself.

Why it’s messy? When he cums things will shrink down fast, and because of the position he’ll slip out more quickly than if he were on top of you or you were on top of him while he was laying down. Put your hand down to collect any mess, and use that handy towel you put down to finish cleaning up the rest.

In my own words (because what else would I use?) an exhibitionist is a person who likes to show themselves off… or more specifically, show their genitals off. There is a certain level of psychological arousal behind this that I could get into but that’s really all you need to know. The opposite of exhibitionism is voyeurism. A voyeur enjoys watching.

In my own growth as a sexual identity I have never had any desire in exhibitionism. In fact, even thinking about getting walked in on while partially nude gives me the willies and makes sex relatively difficult. If it were planned exhibitionism (though that isn’t really the point, is it?) I would be more excited about the concept because I would have time to prepare myself.

The closest I’ve gotten to showing off my goods has been having sex outside. Now granted my backyard was a pretty safe place to get it on but my neighbors (one of which was my teacher) often worked out in the yard and we had a low fence. There were passing thoughts of what would happen if they happened to glance over the fence (or look through it) and in those instances I felt empowered. I am in my backyard, and I am naked, and that is my right. It is only nudity, and that is how I felt about it.

Because I doubt this is the experience many of you have had with experience, why don’t you tell me what your experience have been? Do you enjoy exhibitionism? What about voyeurism? Have you enjoyed the stories that have been posted, did you relate to them in any way?

For the purpose of this post, here is the full color version of my header (which is me).

Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

I was with a group of friends one night and we decided to play truth or dare. The game quickly turned “Dare.” No one was picking truths and instead we focused only on the dares. A guy and a woman took on the dare to run down the street naked in the dark. They ran around the block once. Another woman said she would copy her breast on the copy machine and send a fax to 6 friends. Another guy agreed to go to work the next day and have his photo taken with the woman of his choice while he was naked. My challenge was to post on craigslist and offer to strip naked for the first person that answered. I posted on craigslist that I had a dare with some friends and I had to strip for a person that answered the ad. I quickly had 5 responses and went on to get 25 responses. I picked one of the women at random. She said she would like to watch me strip. We talked on Yahoo messanger for about 5 minutes and then we decided we were both ready to do it. I had to have a witness from my group of friends verify that I did it. So Courtney quickly offered. I put on the webcam but didn’t show my face. I was more nervous that Courtney was watching than being watched by the woman on craigslist.

I had to take the orders from the woman so she told me to take off my shirt. I took off my shirt. She told me to take off my shoes. I took off my shoes. She told me to remove my pants. I took off my pants. She told me to dance around a bit. So I danced around for a few minutes. She then told me to take off my underwear. I looked over at Courtney who was carefully watching and I slid my underwear down. The woman on yahoo told me to dance around again so I did. She then asked me to stroke myself. I nervously began to stroke myself. Courtney was enjoying the view. She told me it was the first time she had ever watched a guy stroke himself. After a few minutes, the lady from yahoo told me to release myself. So I stroked myself a little faster until I could not hold on any longer and had my orgasm. It was very intense to have Courtney watch. I felt as if we had shared a special moment. There is something about being watched. There is something about giving up control of your actions to someone else. I could not help but to post an craigslist post again. You can see it here. . . http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/1604438651.html In fact, maybe one of you will respond with the words, “I want to watch.”

suggestive.tumblr.com

There is a certain frustration that comes with not being aroused. Being a woman, it can sometimes be harder to arouse yourself (or get aroused) than it can be for a man. For instance, simply taking birth control can lower your libido. I guess that’s just another way it helps prevent pregnancy, isn’t it? I am all to aware of how frustrating it can be for men when you’re woman is naked and wet and you’re hard and on top of her and all of a sudden things just don’t happen. Don’t understand? Picture this: You’re just about to have sex, you’re rock hard, and then you put it in her and you go limp. You can’t get hard again. You want to. You really do. But you can’t. It’s that same sort of emotion that goes through the mind of a woman who wants to have sex (she really does) but the time just isn’t right for whatever reason.

22/F asks…
What can I do when my boyfriend wants to have sex with me and I’m just not in the mood?

The first and most obvious answer is don’t have sex. Don’t ever have sex if you don’t want to. A lot of people say that you should bite your tongue and put out to make your relationship exist more smoothly and make your partner happier. The problem with this is that you are lying to your partner when you have sex with them when you don’t want to. You essentially have to pretend to be aroused. Pretending to be aroused is a great lead in to faking an orgasm, and that is absolutely never okay.
So what do you do? You can try to get in the mood. Let him go down on you until you get wet and see if that gets you there. Try to talk dirty and see if that gets you in the mood. Watch porn together and touch yourself like you would if you were alone. If you’re feeling really giving- you can get him off by hand or tell him to jerk off in front of you. There are plenty of ways to get around not be aroused. Just- don’t feel bad about it! We can’t all be aroused 24/7 or at exactly the right time. Life just isn’t like that. If things don’t work out the way you want them to find some sort of in-between. A compromise. Life is all about compromise, and I assure you that there is always time for more sex.

Have a sex question? Want some advice? Email me at suggestivetongue@gmail.com