Category Archives: Uncategorized

Edging (for women)

In my Gender & Sexualities class we watched the music video She Bop by Cyndi Lauper. I’d never watched the video for the song before so I didn’t put together that it was about masturbation. (Although after watching it, it was pretty obvious.) We talked a bit about how the song was put on the dirty list after people realized it was about masturbation, which helped lead to the current parental advisory stickers which I think(?) are still on CDs.

Yes, the song is about masturbation. But why is masturbation inherently dirty? One perspective was that it fucks with the heteronormative view of pleasure. Women getting themselves off without the help of men, what kind of magic wizardry is this? For a long time women weren’t even thought to have a real sexuality. Have you ever seen the movie “Hysteria” or read about Hysteria? Women were literally prescribed orgasms to cure a series of behaviors they were exhibiting. They would make appointments at the doctor to been masturbated by the physician and it wasn’t sexualized because how could something like a woman’s pleasure be sexual? The history of female sexuality is very interesting and very depressing, but (currently) pretty empowering.

Why? We’re still trying to figure out if the g-spot exists or what the hell a woman’s orgasm is good for, but we’ve also got tons of open communication about sex, women-specific sex toys, sex blogs, and shows about female sexuality, among other things. Women are learning that they can get themselves off all by themselves, with their hands, or with the aid of a toy. Perhaps even (shock/awe) with another female partner.

This brings me to my favorite form of masturbation which is conveniently a method that is both properly set up for beginner and advanced masturbators. Edging for Women.

What is edging? Edging is the process of playing with yourself until you heat a peak of arousal, and then stopping before you orgasm. Doing this over and over again can help build up a more powerful orgasm. If you have difficulty reaching an orgasm it can also take some of the pressure off of HAVING an orgasm, making it easier to have an orgasm. Still following?

Edging is great for beginners because it forces you to become in tune with your unique body. Something that everyone should do prior to having sex with a partner, I believe. When you masturbate you have to pay attention to how your body feels. Is this working for me? Is that? How about this? You have to know the sensations as you get closer to an orgasm. Your body temperature, how you might curl your feet or close your eyes tighter, if you start to sweat, if your heart rate rises. You’ll notice when you touch yourself it feels differently. You can feel it building. Knowing exactly when you’ll reach the point of no return is the point, and with practice you’ll get there.

It’s great for more advanced masturbators because you can play with this system indefinitely. You can push your body to the limits and back off again. When on the edge you can experiment with how anal or clitoral or vaginal play influences you and how you feel. Because you’ll be very aroused, the slightest touch of your nipples or dragging a finger along your abdomen might take on a whole new meaning. While it’s still about exploration, it’s also about self-love.

You’re in control of when you orgasm and that’s a pretty powerful feeling. And the more you do it, the more you’ll be in tune, and the more you’ll know what YOU need to get off. You can bring this knowledge back to a partner if you have one, or you can continue to expand on your own knowledge for your own benefit.

Masturbation is powerful and women shouldn’t have to depend on their partner to get them off.

Blogger Survey

1. Do you write/manage another blog?

This is the only place that I actively blog. I did have two others – some of you were followers – but I deleted them early this year in order to focus more heavily on this site. I have toyed with the idea of creating another blog again but when/if I do I probably won’t link it out. I will probably try to develop a separate readership.

2. Pick 3 random blogs from your blogroll and tell us why they are on your blog roll.

I’ll go non-sexual blogs for this.

Beautiful Mess is fun projects, recipes, a life-stuff. It’s another kind of blog I would like to start if I had the time and energy. Psychology Today keeps me up to date with fun Psychology related reads. Zen Habits is pure bliss. Keeps you grounded.

3. Look around your blog, tell us about two pages or links you want us to visit, be sure to provide a link to them in your answer to this question.

I’d like you to visit the links at the top of the page. I’m not sure everyone clicks on them or not, and they provide information about my blog and what I write about, so if you’re new, its great to read.

4. Do you have any unique interests that you have never shared before? What are they?

Ya’ll know everything about me already. If you’re curious about something in particular, just ask.

5. What’s your current obsession?

Warm tea. I’ve been having 1-3 cups a day since I curbed my caffeine addiction. I’ve also been addicted to ebooks and magazine subscriptions for my iPad. Some day when I have money I’ll get some. Until then, window shopping in the Newsstand.

Bonus: Has blogging helped or hurt your sex life?

Neither? I mostly write in reflection, but I guess in reading and writing I may be able to process and discover more so if anything maybe a positive influence. I’m not sure.

What I’m Reading

Online:

Sexist Jokes from the Oscars

Is your first sexual experience the most important?

Adult Doll Collecting

Ten things about Orgasm: Mary Roach/Ted Talks

Just Finished:

Duma Key by Stephen King – I enjoyed the book. It was the first ebook I’ve ever read and it was really enjoyable reading King through a… lighter medium. I felt like it allowed me to read the book more quickly because my hand didn’t get so tired. The last 4th of the book moves quite quickly, though I felt myself getting a little lost in some parts. Particularly in the story of the ghosts and how the young girls had died and why. I enjoyed the concept of art and power, disability and depression, and going on a walkabout to save ones soul.

Now Reading:

The Shadow of The Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon, gifted by a good friend. A book about books, and the wonder of books. At least so far.

I’ll be dipping my toes back into non-fiction after this little break and am looking forward to exploring some neuroscience again, perhaps a little psychology. Despite being in school and having to read an exorbitant amount, it’s mostly been in relation to gender studies. I’m craving some good old fashioned science.

What are you reading?

 

Two women: Two Drives.

Hi I’m in a long term lesbian relationship and love my partner but worry that we are sexually incompatible. We have diff sex drives ( mine is much higher) and over time have had increasingly less sex. We also see sex in diff ways. She sees it as a way if expressing love which I get but I want more passion and also need sex to let off steam. I often feel frustrated, we’ve tried so many times to make things better but nothing is ever sustained. Recently I’ve been masturbating much more to feel a release and to find out more about what I like. I’ve also been flirting a bit with a woman online yes to feel turned on. Ideally I’d like to have more, really hot passionate sex with my partner but our situation has been same on and off for years now and I don’t know what else to do to change it. When we do have sex we are out of practice. I oft make her come but am left feeling unsatisfied myself.

It sounds like this is something that has been going on for a while, and I would be suggest confronting it as a serious relationship conversation as soon as possible. Reaching out to have these conversations online is often a breach of trust in relationships (sometimes seen as emotional infidelity) and can continue if needs in the relationship aren’t met.

There are many ways in which different sex drives can be confronted. Masturbation is one of those ways. Looking at self-loving as a form of sexual gratification can be incredibly important if your sex drive is higher than your partners. Look at masturbation as a time where you can truly do whatever you’d like to yourself. Get yourself off fast, or slow, hard, or soft. Using masturbation to curb some of that sexual appetite can be healthy, I think. Not only in respect to your libido but also in respect to body image, mood, autonomy, power, and general pleasure.

I am someone who believes that some people are sexually incompatible. If one person puts a higher importance on sex than the other, it can lead to consistent problems within the relationship. It is good to be with a partner who views sex at least somewhat similarly to you. This isn’t to say that all people who have issues with sex should just toss their hands up and jot it off to miss-matched personalities.

The first thing I would recommend doing is talking to your partner honestly about how you feel about sex and what that ideal sexual relationship would look like. Remember to listen to your partners answer to this question as well and accept it in it’s legitimacy. Each of you have your own desires and each of them are important. See if there is a place where you can make each other happy. If you’re unable to break it down on your own, it may be worth seeking out couples counseling or sex therapy of some kind.

Remember that your partner may not know how to describe exactly what they’re looking for, and you may not have exactly the right words to pass along what you’re looking for either. Sometimes two people speak different languages and it can take really breaking down the language barrier first to communicate what you’re feeling. For instance what does “sex to express love” mean to her? What does “sex to let off steam” mean to you? If I don’t know what you mean, it’s possible your partner doesn’t either. Until you’re on the same page, it’s going to be hard to go about taking action.

I wouldn’t put this conversation off. It sounds like you’ve been in a low spot for a while and it’s possible your partner feels similarly frustrated. Try to have open and honest dialogue about it and see if you can work together to find a solution. Good luck.