Casual Safety.

What is the proper etiquette for safety when meeting someone for casual sex? Do you carry your test results around with you? Do you go with condoms, dental dams, saran wrap on hand and tell people this is what you expect to be used?

Some people do keep their test results with them, actually. I don’t – that stuff gets filed away. I wouldn’t say there is one strict line of etiquette. The two basic things I’ve noticed that are assumed are that people are going to use protection and they’re going to have a conversation about STDs. I’ve never gone to a club, picked someone up right there, and brought them back. There’s this huge disconnect here and I think it’s really interesting. What’s the difference between being single and finding someone you really like and starting to date them and then wanting to sleep with them? The only difference is that the process is sped up. You have the talk, you ask about protection, you make sure you feel comfortable, and that you can trust the person that you’re going to be with. On another note, I think there can be a false sense of security in monogamous sexual relationships. “We’re monogamous and we’re in love so we’re less likely to get an STD than someone who swings.” Yet everyone I’ve met who is in some sort of open-something-or-other is meticulous about their health and the health of their partners. This isn’t true of everyone, but it’s a sad misconception. You bring condoms with you. Some people bring dental dams or female condoms. You let your partner know what you’re most comfortable using. For some people that’s just a condom. Some people use condoms and pulling out. Again, it’s not much different than sleeping with a regular partner except that information needs to be passed more quickly – you are less likely to develop that knowledge base over the span of a year long relationship, for instance.

It kind of takes the spontaneity / sexiness out of it doesn’t it? How do you balance it out? The need to be safe versus the need to get it on?

I find safety to be incredibly sexy. If someone asks me about protection and STDs I know it means that they care about me and my safety and their safety. It doesn’t take any spontaneity out of it for me. This is a conversation that happens prior to sex. Don’t wait until you’re naked with their penis hovering over you to pull out your checklist of important questions. Get all the important stuff out of the way and then when the time comes where you feel like you’re ready to get it on, you can do so without feeling like something has been left unsaid. I don’t let myself get into one of those sitcom scenarios where you’re waiting in line at the bathroom and oh my! swoon! a beautiful man! and then you’re banging against the dirty wall. Yech. There’s a lot more forethought than that!

What we wanted to do was go to a voyeur club and just watch, not participate unless we want to. Is that acceptable, are you allowed to just do that or are you expected to participate in play?

You should never be expected to play. Every club I’ve heard of says you can just go, be a voyeur, enjoy the scene, meet new people, enjoy yourselves. I would actually suggest that the first time that you go to a club that you go with the intent of just watching and soaking up the scene. Then when you go back the second time you’ll feel more comfortable -hopefully- and perhaps have some idea of what you want to do.

What kinds of clubs should we be looking for that are on the “tamer” side? If each of us (myself and my husband) wanted to have a private one-on-one experience with someone who was knowledgeable in sex, like a master or mistress of the art, how would you go about finding someone like that? Would an “escort” be the right area to look in? Thanks suggestive.

I would suggest reading online reviews, and checking out their websites. Things like dress code and cleanliness are important, in my opinion. I’d also suggest finding a place that has a membership. These things will all keep random people from the street out and filter it to people who are actually interested in being in that club specifically. Reviews usually give you a good idea of what to expect by who has already been there. Look for places that look nicer. Pay more for a good experience. You don’t want something seedy.

I have no experience in finding a master/mistress, nor do I have any experience in escorting. You might be interested in signing up for the website fetlife.com – it’s sort of like facebook for alternative sexuality. You can go, post naughty photos, list yourself as in a relationship, join communities around where you live or where you’ll be vacationing, meet like-minded people… They’re not all super-kinksters, either. You can find all sorts of sex-loving people there. Good luck, and let me know if you have any other questions!

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