the patience of exploration

I recently wrote a page to my partner about what I want sexually, in detail. To sum it up, it’s pretty much how I want my partner to dominant me. Since he’s read it, our sex life has already been improving, but not nearly to the extents that I mentioned in my paragraphs. I understand it will take time, patience, and trial and error, but do you think I should be communicating more with it? Such as go through each item with him individually and talk about them? I’m a little afraid to do this because when I first brought the writing to him he just read it and didn’t respond about it. When we had sex since then he’s tried a few small things but I want more and don’t want what I wrote to go under the rug.


That’s awesome! But I have a question. Did he do the same thing for you? It’s all about balance. Maybe all he wants is the sex you’d already been having, but maybe there are some new things that he’s interested in trying too. Maybe there are some things he wants to emphasis that he really really likes. Make sure that it’s an even trade here. Make sure that he gets his voice heard too. Not only will it keep that balance in the relationship but it might allow him to feel more open in trying some of the things you want to try if you’re going to be trying and implementing some of his, too.

The trouble with domination is that not all men are naturally dominant creatures. In bed, or out of bed. Domination is, in my experience, hugely based on the vibe someone puts off. He has to believe that he is dominant. He has to put on that mask/face/role – whatever you want to call it – and be genuinely interested in dominating you. The difference between using a pair of cuffs and the act of slapping cuffs on you while he calls you dirty names and shoves your head into the pillow, for instance. One of those is an act written down on a piece of paper. The other is a part in your own personal kink fest.

What’s awesome is that things have improved already and he seems interested in trying. So do what you can to show appreciation for his trying. Really show him that what he’s doing is something that gets you off. For some people that can really help them feed into the role. Oh, she likes it, I’m going to keep doing this, I’m going to do it more! Reinforce the things he does that you really like but don’t be too bummed out if it doesn’t come all at once. It is a process. Don’t look at it as a bottom line.

As for the progression of things, I would suggest gentle nudging here and there. If you’re in bed and you’re having sex, tell him to spank you. It might seem a little contrary at first since you’re telling him to do it, but not all men are immediately comfortable with spanking or pinching or what have you. He may not know how to incorporate whatever things were on your list into your sexual routine.

Got a question? Hit “Ask” at the top of the page and I’ll answer on my blog!

One thought on “the patience of exploration

  1. It’s also the case that growing into the kind of dominant one is going to be is not a microwave dish. Just because someone shelled out a list of detailed instructions doesn’t necessarily make the other person immediately ready to do them.

    It took most submissives more than 15 minutes to wrap their mind around their sexuality and be ready to act on it…but for some reason that same time to grow and freedom to go at their own pace doesn’t get offered dominants.

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