I got such a great response to this that I’m posting my responses early. Any personal questions that get asked by the end of today I’ll throw in a different post. Thanks for the curiosities!
1. How old were you when you had sex for the first time? Was it a good experience?
I think I was sixteen, but honestly 16-18 blend together like a mushy cloud of adolescent hormones so it very well might have been seventeen. I’m fairly certain it was sixteen. It was a good experience. We didn’t jump straight into penetration – we actually hiked ourselves up the bases in fair order. It worked well for me. I think having some basic understanding of what the penis and vagina are and how they work is pretty essential for having a good experience. For me that meant masturbation (knowing my own body) and oral sex (getting to know one another’s bodies) prior to getting funky together.
2. How long did it take for you to get to fantastic sex?
This ones really blurry. I was with the guy I had sex with the first time for three years. It was certainly good after the first couple of months. If was probably hitting fantastic after about a year when we started experimenting more and being more open/comfortable.
3. How many partners have you had?
I knew someone was going to ask me this question and I debated answering it. First and foremost because I think the question comes from a place of judgement and stereotype. There is no reason why anyone needs to know this number outside of the fact that we’re told it means something. More often than not, what it means isn’t good. But I also think it’s important to spread awareness to the fact that you can have more than one or two partners and still be clearly aware of the choices you’re making. That you can have more than one or two partners and still be clean, and safe, and smart. There’s a problem with that perception and so on that note, I think it’s fair to answer. Penetrative sex with men, eight. Intercourse with women, six.
4. How long have you been in your current relationship, and is it looking like it could be a long-term relationship?
Our 5-year anniversary is this November, so… yes. We’ve been in an open relationship for over a year.
5. What was your best time ever and what did it for you?
I’m not sure I have a best time ever, it’s all pretty wonderful. I have a few experiences that stick out in my head as being especially awesome. Really powerful orgasms, really well-timed orgasms, multiple orgasms, role-playing, etc. I’m a fan of really long several-hour-long sex. On occasion, of course, not every single time. Those sessions tend to be pretty fantastic. Some of my best “new” experiences would be having a threesome while handcuffed to a boat, experimenting with a strap-on in an MFMF while the boys watched, and experimenting with close friends who (without an open relationship) I wouldn’t have otherwise been able to experiment safely with. Nothing like a little lesbian sex to wind down a girls night, amiright?
6. How many toys do you own now and how frequently do you use toys?
I had to go count. Including things like cockrings and cuffs I have about 30 toys. I think it will be 30 when my new one gets here this week. I most frequently use my Hitachi. During sex I’ll use cock rings, realistic dildos, and sometimes small vibrators. Of course things like cuffs too. My other toys – gspot toys, rabbits, dildo vibrators, etc, they get used less on average.
7. How do you masturbate, or how often do you masturbate?
Either by hand or with the hitachi. Occasionally with a dildo or small vibrator. It varies week to week, but if I had to guess I would say four times a week.
8. How many people are you currently seeing in your relationship?
I have a few people available who I’m friends with who I know are still interested in playing should the opportunity arise. I haven’t seen anyone but my boyfriend in almost two months. It can be pretty draining for me to meet new people who I am both interested in physically and mentally and then develop a sense of trust with them. I’ve been focused on doing other things lately. I’m certain things will pick up soon, they tend to come in waves. I have a couple of going out dates with friends in the next couple weeks but I’m not really pressured to make anything transpire. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, I’ll get some good conversation and dinner.
9. I understand you’re able to have an open relationship because you trust your partner not to leave you for someone else. Even with that trust, even knowing that you will not lose him, was it hard at all to accept that fact that he was indeed touching other women? I assume it doesn’t bother you now, but in the beginning was it at all painful to get use to? Or was it not hurtful at all?
It was never painful for us. I think one of the reasons we do it at all is because it’s so much fun. Because it makes us happy to see the other person happy. Because it’s arousing to think of one another with someone else, or see one another with someone else. Neither of us really ever had the fear that we’d leave for someone else. You can’t control that any more in an open relationship than you can in a closed one. Just because you have more “opportunities” to find someone else… does that make your relationship any less special? Does it make you love your partner any less? It’s what most people usually ask me. “But there are all those OPPORTUNITIES to find someone else!” But… I love him. You don’t see other people in the same way.
He was actually the first one to understand how new experiences would influence our relationship.
Before we’d done anything at all and while we were still monogamous we were interested in a threesome. A threesome is really how it all started. I was having a difficulty understanding it from his perspective. I thought a threesome would be fun and kinky and wanted to try one. He wanted to not just for those reasons but because he thought the new experiences we’d have would bring us closer together. It took me jumping in and having that experience myself – and hearing about his experiences – that allowed me to really get it for myself. At the beginning it was a more complex idea for me. Now it seems simple.
10. Hi, um, how do you pronounce your name
I typically pronounce it as “Lora-Lie” but when I’m introducing myself to new people I often emphasize it as “LAURA-LIE” in hopes that they’ll remember how to say it. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult for people to understand, but it gets mispronounced by almost everyone I meet. In b4 Gilmore Girls reference. You can also just call me “Lo.” Everyone else does.
11. What was your worst sexual experience?
I haven’t ever had any truly horrific experiences… but I’ve never enjoyed really soft sex with someone I was having casual sex with. I think this is because I have new experiences outside of my relationship for new experiences. I’m a huge fan of cuddling (Vote Cuddling/Canoodling 2012!) but not with someone I just met. It always feels really awkward to me. I don’t want to cuddle, I want to have sex. I don’t mind a little bit of softer play or even slower foreplay with someone I know better – that’s nice. But typically speaking I’m there for one reason. And it’s not to bond with you.
12. What do you think is the best way of losing your virginity?
I think we should all start by changing our mentality about having sex for the first time. Your question is a common one, but it has two mistakes in it. The first is that we view sex as something that we give away. We insinuate that somehow our sexuality takes something from us and makes us less of something. Even if it’s not what we mean, it comes from a culture of sex shaming. The choices we make are – hopefully – purposeful ones. The entire concept of virginity is also an incredibly fucked up one (if you’re new to this, check out the book The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti) though… that’s a little harder to run from. I’m not nagging on you (sorry to steal the thunder here) but I wanted to soapbox for a minute.
Bam, done. So how is it best to have sex for the first time? I think the best that we can is make the decisions that feel right for us. We should understand the impact that sex has on a relationship. We should view it as an important decision. Your life does change when you start having sex, and so do your relationships. Maybe not necessarily in any epic way, but you’re adding something new that wasn’t there before and that can have an influence. You should be aware of the health consequences. You should talk to your partner about safety. You should talk to your partner about your desires to have sex when those desires come up. I don’t think it should be a decision you make lightly, but it shouldn’t necessarily be over-thought either. You want to be able to enjoy yourself. You shouldn’t be too focused on thinking about your “performance” – you should be focusing on enjoying yourself, and your partner. You should be focusing on communicating and improving along the way.
Short answer? I think it’s best to have sex for the first time with someone you respect and someone who respects you back. Someone you trust, and someone who trusts you back. I don’t think it has to be someone that you’re in a relationship with but I’ve never been a fan of having that first move with someone you don’t know, trust, or even someone that you pay for. I do think that it’s a special moment and even if it just lasts for a few minutes or a few seconds that you should do it with someone that you want to be doing it with.
13. Have you played Truth or Dare and if yes, which was the wildest Dare you did? lol
Truth or Dare is my favorite game! No one ever wants to play with me, though… It was probably an ice cube up the vagina. I would not recommend it. It’s not very pleasant. That’s probably the only time I’ve played truth or dare as an adult and actually got dared to do something – and it was an online friend, it wasn’t even in person. People are wussies.
14. whats your favorite sex position?
I don’t really have one, to be honest.
15. Have you ever eaten a girl out ? whats it like? what does it taste like? how did you know what to do?
Yeah. The first time was really weird. I hadn’t exactly woken up that day thinking “Well, today I think I’m going to eat out a girl.” It just sort of happened and I rolled with it. Everyone tastes differently and I don’t think it’s really possible to describe it. It just tastes like sex. That last question is my favorite though. I’m not sure. It seems a lot easier to go down on men because there is a lot less real estate to cover. At least that’s how it felt. I definitely thought about myself and what I thought would feel good and the areas I thought would be best and paid close attention to her reactions to what I did. It’s a lot different when you’re down there and doing it, though. Since then I’ve read “She Comes First” which is a must read for anyone who plans on going down on a woman. Honestly, it’s a good read even if you just want to know more about your anatomy and how your body works.
16. You are an awesome gal. Not just because you’re so open sexually. But because you’re college educated, and are obviously intelligent. Your writing style and the effectiveness with which you’ve marketed your blog both reflect that. So my question is so simple that the answer will undoubtedly be complicated. How does a man go about finding, and securing a relationship with, a woman such as yourself?
Thanks for the compliment! I guess it really depends. There are a lot of wonderfully smart and beautiful women out there who are single. I think the number one problem is that the men who are looking for these women complain an awful lot. Why don’t those women like me? Whats wrong with me? Tra la la! That one little sentence reflects a few things. The first: you’re discontent, and you like to complain. Two: You in some regards may think you’re not worth a relationship with a woman like that. Lastly: You’ve seen the Labyrinth. /Cred
So step one, don’t try. Not actively, not visibly. I think the sexiest thing are men who are focused, confident, strong, and busy with some sort of passion of their own. I always tell people they’ll find love when they stop trying so hard and just focus on themselves. You have to be happy on your own, first. And then of course you always have to know – really know – that you deserve a good woman. So find a good woman. Don’t settle for less – but also don’t turn away woman who you “perceive as less” because that’s not fair. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has flaws. When you find a woman that you like, get to know her and see if there is something more there. All that sums up into the “just be a good person” point. Be kind to everyone.
I also think it helps to know how to dress, have proper hygiene, work non-verbal communication, as well as be aware of what to say and when the right time is to say it. If all that hasn’t really matched up with you yet, it’s possible you just haven’t found the right person yet. Sometimes you meet someone and things just flow. You can be yourself around them but at the same time you feel a little bit nervous. You want to talk to them more even if you feel like it’s too much. You think they’re beautiful and they make you want to be better. Those little feelings you get are a good indicator to “follow that person” and see if theres more.
Lastly, I think, expand your environment. Hang out in new social groups, take classes somewhere, spend time on a campus, introduce yourself to people when you’re out. If your immediate social circle doesn’t include people that you’re interested in dating it’s going to be hard to one day just stumble into the right person. While I think it can be difficult to try in terms of being actively purposefully “dating” – I do think doing little things to try to be in the right places, have the right attitudes, throw on a smile, start a conversation… that sort of thing can get you places.
17. Do men really prefer naked pussy or do some like (well-trimmed, of course) hair? what do the stats say?
I’ve met every kind of man, and have found it’s usually best to just stick with what you prefer. I know what my boyfriend likes so that gets thrown into the mix, but luckily its what I like too. If I were single I don’t think I would change the style for someone I wasn’t actively seeing. Some men I know think having no hair is a little juvenile and they prefer a little bit of hair somewhere. Some men prefer no hair because it’s sleek and they can lick everywhere. Some men I know prefer more hair – styled hair – or just something more substantial. I’ve also met some men who prefer natural or trimmed down a bit. I would say that if I had to guess the preference leans towards some sort of styling – even if it’s just trimmed down.
18. What would you consider to be the best sex position for a woman to easily get off? Thank you!
Any position that stimulates the clit in some way. In my experience any form of doggy style because you can reach around and play with your clit by hand or toy very easily, it’s mentally exciting/arousing, and allows for just the right amount of penetration. Different bodies and likes/dislikes might prefer different things.
19. What experience in your life has led to the most personal growth, and why?
I’ve basically spent the last four years immersed in books – reading/studying about the things that interest me and the things I knew nothing about. There was certainly a lot of personal growth there. I think it’s pretty powerful to find something that you’re passionate about and then having that moment where things click like “Oh my god, I could do this, I could spend my life doing this and be happy.” It hasn’t really worn yet. Also opening my relationship up last year. We went through a rough patch and I really finally came to terms with the fact that I need to be my own person even when I’m in a relationship. It’s so easy to absorb one another. I grew a lot when I started to treat myself better. Not to mention learning how to communicate better (every day work on that one) and being honest about what I need in life to be happy.