I have an issue where I am just not into normal, loving, sex. My boyfriend and I have been mostly having rough, kinky sex and when he wants to go slow and say things like that I’m beautiful or that he loves me during I get turned turned off I guess. He got upset with me (rightfully) and is now questioning our relationship and if I love him. I think I do love him, going slow and caressing just doesn’t do it for me. Am I a monster or some kind of sexual deviant? I’ve never had any negative sexual experiences that would scar me or anything like that so I’ve always considered myself rather normal in the sense that I’m not traumatized by anything from my past. How do I explain to him that I love him despite how I act? How can I try to enjoy slow sensual sex more? Oh and he’s my first partner so maybe it’s him in particular that I cant enjoy it with for some odd reason? Thank you so much in advance. Your blog helped me a lot with my sex life! <3
I completely understand what you’re saying, and I don’t think that this is an uncommon occurrence in relationships! What’s important, obviously, is understanding that “loving sex” isn’t necessarily “normal sex.” I’m not sure where along the line we started to equate missionary position with lots of kissing and swooning with “standard” but, there it is. Some people still think a certain kind of sex is better than another or has some kind of special meaning. Any special meaning applied to any kind of sex is applied by that particular person, and is not a global standard.
I don’t think that there is anything devient about you that makes you enjoy rougher, kinkier sex. That’s just what gets you off. When you find what gets you off, it can be difficult if your partner is not also aroused by similar scenarios/play/ideas. It’s possible that perhaps for him the rough and kinky sex really drains him – particularly if he’s not a rough and kinky guy by nature. To put on that role might take significant energy for him. So perhaps what he is really saying is “Sometimes I just want to have sex” meaning he doesn’t want to take on that role, he just wants to screw. Which is a little contrary to what you may believe because for you kinky sex = best sex, or at least the sex that you look forward to having. But hey, sometimes in the bedroom you have to make some compromises.
What’s important now is figuring out if you can find a mesh of the sex that you enjoy, and the sex that he enjoys. Is that possible? If yes, try for it. Find something that you can enjoy about the softer, slower sex. Implement some toys, bring in a vibrator, turn on the porn, or really work yourself up mentally beforehand and just focus on how good the sensations feel. It may help you learn more about yourself, and your body. If you think it’s impossible for you to enjoy the softer sex, and difficult for him to enjoy the kinkier sex, this might be broaching on sexual incompatibility. I’m strongly in favor of the kinkier people pairing up with similarly kinky people, because I hate it when partners cannot fully enjoy their sexual preferences. I am hopeful that you two will be able to find a nice middle ground.
As for him thinking you don’t love him, he’s being irrational. Sit down and explain that when you’re having kinky dirty sex, you feel close to him. You feel like you can trust him and be fully open with him and show this other side to yourself. Explain that when you get into “the zone” and you’re able to really open up and be rough and kinky that you feel so super aroused that the sex gets you off much more than when the sex is softer or gentle. The softer sex just doesn’t hit you as hard, even if it may be enjoyable. I suppose the best thing to do would be to get across “this type of sex makes me feel close to you and it really gets me off” – but don’t let me put words in your mouth, take whatever rings true.