Gentle Sex, Normal Sex, Loving Sex, Rough Sex.

I have an issue where I am just not into normal, loving, sex. My boyfriend and I have been mostly having rough, kinky sex and when he wants to go slow and say things like that I’m beautiful or that he loves me during I get turned turned off I guess. He got upset with me (rightfully) and is now questioning our relationship and if I love him. I think I do love him, going slow and caressing just doesn’t do it for me. Am I a monster or some kind of sexual deviant? I’ve never had any negative sexual experiences that would scar me or anything like that so I’ve always considered myself rather normal in the sense that I’m not traumatized by anything from my past. How do I explain to him that I love him despite how I act? How can I try to enjoy slow sensual sex more? Oh and he’s my first partner so maybe it’s him in particular that I cant enjoy it with for some odd reason? Thank you so much in advance. Your blog helped me a lot with my sex life! <3

I completely understand what you’re saying, and I don’t think that this is an uncommon occurrence in relationships! What’s important, obviously, is understanding that “loving sex” isn’t necessarily “normal sex.” I’m not sure where along the line we started to equate missionary position with lots of kissing and swooning with “standard” but, there it is. Some people still think a certain kind of sex is better than another or has some kind of special meaning. Any special meaning applied to any kind of sex is applied by that particular person, and is not a global standard.

I don’t think that there is anything devient about you that makes you enjoy rougher, kinkier sex. That’s just what gets you off. When you find what gets you off, it can be difficult if your partner is not also aroused by similar scenarios/play/ideas. It’s possible that perhaps for him the rough and kinky sex really drains him – particularly if he’s not a rough and kinky guy by nature. To put on that role might take significant energy for him. So perhaps what he is really saying is “Sometimes I just want to have sex” meaning he doesn’t want to take on that role, he just wants to screw. Which is a little contrary to what you may believe because for you kinky sex = best sex, or at least the sex that you look forward to having. But hey, sometimes in the bedroom you have to make some compromises.

What’s important now is figuring out if you can find a mesh of the sex that you enjoy, and the sex that he enjoys. Is that possible? If yes, try for it. Find something that you can enjoy about the softer, slower sex. Implement some toys, bring in a vibrator, turn on the porn, or really work yourself up mentally beforehand and just focus on how good the sensations feel. It may help you learn more about yourself, and your body. If you think it’s impossible for you to enjoy the softer sex, and difficult for him to enjoy the kinkier sex, this might be broaching on sexual incompatibility. I’m strongly in favor of the kinkier people pairing up with similarly kinky people, because I hate it when partners cannot fully enjoy their sexual preferences. I am hopeful that you two will be able to find a nice middle ground.

As for him thinking you don’t love him, he’s being irrational. Sit down and explain that when you’re having kinky dirty sex, you feel close to him. You feel like you can trust him and be fully open with him and show this other side to yourself. Explain that when you get into “the zone” and you’re able to really open up and be rough and kinky that you feel so super aroused that the sex gets you off much more than when the sex is softer or gentle. The softer sex just doesn’t hit you as hard, even if it may be enjoyable. I suppose the best thing to do would be to get across “this type of sex makes me feel close to you and it really gets me off” – but don’t let me put words in your mouth, take whatever rings true.

Good luck

11 thoughts on “Gentle Sex, Normal Sex, Loving Sex, Rough Sex.

  1. I’m with SG on this one. Personally? I want cuddly, lovey Hallmark Card sex about as often as I want an actual Hallmark Card — say, five or six times a year.

    The rest of the time I want him to fuck me like he means it.

    I don’t care that much whether that’s “normal” or whether other people like it or not — it’s how I’m built, and I don’t see any reason to try to change it.

    If your partner isn’t into it, you might investigate what having rough sex means to him. It kind of sounds like rough sex = disconnected, unemotional sex for him. And his sexual style may be legitimately different than yours. Just as there’s nothing wrong with yours, there’s nothing wrong with his, either.

    Well…except for one thing. Some guys can be a little lazy about sex. I’ve certainly been with guys who just wanted straight ahead sex that worked for him, but did nothing for me, and when I brought it up tried to tell me that the kind of sex I wanted was weird or bad or wrong.

    I dumped those guys.

  2. A variety of intensity levels is a normal part of being a couple. I drew the line at the sort of bruising, anger-based thumping and humping shown in the film “A History of Violence”, for example. “Love me like you mean it”, though, has a place in almost every relationship.

  3. sex can be hard core and soft. Its your preference. I agree will lily some times i really just wanna be fucked hard but other times i need a break. You and your boy decide and good luck!!!!

  4. There’s some pretty amazing things that you can feel given a little patience and focus on what your feeling. Personally I would be a bit cautious about “knowing” what you want and being ridged on that. I’m a 39 year old man and still discovering amazing things about what gets me off. And I’m not telling : ). I’ve always found high activity sex pretty lacking in intimacy as it almost seems to “noisy”, figuratively speaking, but that, I think, is the point. There is so much more to sex than chasing a high, in someways I would suggest running the other way. Sex for me is very much about emotions, and this is coming from a guy, crazy don’t you think. To be with someone I love, so intimately and see who they are and be “open” to that, is so incredibly far beyond any physical high that I use to be chasing. But if your just screwing it might just not be a long term thing or you might not be at a frequency where he’s at. Plus sex is alot of work for guys at times. It is so strange to even contemplate that women are having these issues when 20, 30 years ago your attitude is how men were percieved and vilified for, not that there’s anything wrong with that. No wonder my head is really screwed up over what women want.

    • There is so much more to sex than chasing a high, in someways I would suggest running the other way. Sex for me is very much about emotions, and this is coming from a guy, crazy don’t you think. To be with someone I love, so intimately and see who they are and be “open” to that, is so incredibly far beyond any physical high that I use to be chasing. But if your just screwing it might just not be a long term thing or you might not be at a frequency where he’s at.

      High-intensity sex *is* intimate and connected sex for me, and probably for a lot of people. Not all people have the experience of high-intensity sex that you do. I’m not just “chasing a high” when I engage in the kind of sex I find thrilling.

      • Everyone has there own thing I guess which they have found which works and gets them off. All I can say is that there is a state of mind I can reach where I’m essentially mindless in extasy for as long as I pretty much want to be and it aint tantra. As a 39 year old I just see alot of sex as following primative male masterbatory dynamics. A part in my brain that deals with sex has probably been altered though with a brain injury so maybe I’m different. And I certainly can’t say I know what a woman truely feels, or thinks, during sex but I have a really good suspicion that if men started exploring the ways they could get off and women started trying to find them too, sex may be very very different than following the lines of primative male masterbatory dynamics. Just because I knew a way to reach orgasm for about 30 years was, for me, a stupid reason to not explore a hell of alot more. All of that is certainly not to say that we shouldn’t use our partners as one step above masterbatory pleasures, both the user and the used get something advantagious from it for different reasons. I suppose I should say too that I’m pretty bitter these days at how my physical problems due to a brain injury effect my abilities at having high energy sex which seems all the rage these days. To me it just seems like porn sex. Sex is a complex thing, all I wanted to say was that there are incredible hidden things there, I’m just much more of an explorer rather than a settler type, even if the surroundings are pretty nice. Plus I’ve been helped along the way to discovering what I have by some pretty amazing women. Truely, all the best with finding what works for you.

  5. Pingback: Top Posts of 2012 | suggestivetongue

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