Someone requested that I do a post on FFM threesomes for newbies, so here is a little writeup.
Just a reminder: You can submit requests as well as questions to my formspring! Want to hear me write about something in particular, but aren’t sure what it is that you want to know? Just let me know what the subject matter is and I’ll give my two cents.
An FFM threesome is a threesome that has two females and one male, or two people with vaginas and one person with a penis. First, lets dispel two “myths.”
1. The “male fantasy” myth
The way the FFM threesome is depicted in media is very interesting – your typical scenario of two women pleasing one man. In all reality, a threesome isn’t necessarily going to work out like this. My favorite way of taking a hammer to the illusion is by reminder the ‘M’ that he now has twice the ladies to get off – and some ladies are insatiable. Not only that, but if he’s not familiar with each of the ladies already, he might not even know what button to push. Not meaning to be disheartening, it’s a reminder to keep your head on straight. Even the best fantasies come with their own rules, boundaries, expectations, and realities to deal with. As with anything else shown heavily in porn, remember that reality is a little bit different. At least.
2. All women want to be with other women
In FFMs in particular, you might not find yourself with two women who want to get groovy with one another. Is this a deal-breaker, or is this what you’re looking for? If you’re looking for the unicorn (in particular, a bi-sexual woman) you might have to request this specifically, while keeping in mind that bi-sexual women tend to get plenty of requests for threesomes. It is possible to have an FFM with one or two straight women, but the rules and boundaries will likely be different. Keep it in mind.
First things first, you have to find your #3. Since it’s most common for a couple (one male, one female) to seek out a third female, that’s how I’ll set this up. It’s entirely possible and not uncommon for two women to seek out a male third for a threesome, and if anyone wants me to write about this specifically I’d be glad to.
I have a strong preference for starting with people you already feel comfortable with. That means looking in your lives and seeing if there is anyone you’re both comfortable and interested in who you believe might be comfortable and interested in you too. Sometimes this is a close friend, sometimes it’s an acquaintance, sometimes it’s a friend of a friend. It is helpful to put the word out on some sort of moderately discreet channel that you two are looking for a threesome so you can get friends involved in pointing out people they think would be interested. If you already have someone(s) in mind – this step might be easier.
From that point, I think being direct is helpful. Get in touch with the person you’re interested in and slowly pull out what your situation is. I’m seeing/with this person and we’re interested in threesomes… have you ever been in one… is it something you’re interested in… we were curious if you’d ever want to meet up with us to get to know each other and see if we clicked… we’d be curious if you wanted to come over tonight… we’d be curious if you’d like to go out with us…
The dialogue is going to be different depending on your situation and the person you’re talking to. Feel it out. It’s important to have good communication skills, to be very clear, and to feel out the vibe you’re getting from whoever it is. Sometimes you can tell it’s not going to happen immediately, sometimes they’ll give in and ask more. Don’t go too far. If they’re not interested or intrigued, you’re not going to want to pursue them as an option.
If you don’t know anyone and don’t think anyone in your circle would be interested or if you want to purposefully seek someone outside of your circle, you have some work to do. I suggest going out to clubs where you feel comfortable interacting with other people, or making an account on a website like OkCupid. Put yourself out there and make your desires transparent – being an active participant in the process of making this happen. It’s might be difficult and discouraging and you might have to wait a while to find the right match for the two of you.
Okay – you have your person.
Discuss Boundaries First
You know, right after you talk about STDs and birth control. Boundaries are very very important. You don’t just have your likes and dislikes and your partners, but you have the third persons to think about too. A threesome is about three people getting what they want out of a sexual encounter. It is for all of you – not just the two of you. Make sure that everyone is getting what they came for and that they’re not being expected to do anything that they’re not comfortable with.
An example would be:
“I really imagine it being fluid. You two would start making out while I watched and then I would jump in. We would take our clothes off, all playing with each other, and then go to the bedroom. At that point we would all go down on one another. You would watch me with them and then they would watch us. I would like everyone to be involved at all times if possible but I’m comfortable standing out from time to time if that’s OK. We will always use condoms and will have lube on hand. If I cum before everyone else and I feel like I’m done, I might stay to watch or I might leave the room but you can continue if I leave.”
“That sounds great, except I would prefer if no one left the room. I think that if someone orgasms we can wrap things up from that point on unless they feel like they want to continue or watch.”
“I would like to mention I don’t like to be spanked or hurt in any way, but I do like to be called names.”
“Oh, I don’t like to be called names, so please don’t call me any.”
And onward, until people feel comfortable.
The Day Of
You’ll want to set up a spot where you know people will be comfortable. Having water or snacks on hand isn’t a bad idea. The lighting might be important for some, so it can be nice to have dimming lights or a softer option for light. Have condoms ready, as well as lube. Go to the bathroom beforehand if you can remember. Music is helpful to keep the mood light and to avoid awkward silences.
The pace from this point on varies depending on the boundaries you’ve set up and the goals you’ve set. Typically you’ll begin touching and kissing each other and progress from that point to getting naked. A good threesome will feel fluid, everyone always actively involved even if they aren’t currently participating in the touching/sex. This isn’t to say that a threesome that isn’t fluid wont be good. Some threesomes can start out choppy, experience issues with arousal, require lots of communication. This is the same with ANY type of sex.
It is most important to go into the experience with an idea of what you hope to get out of it, but with the understanding that it’s ultimately about the experience. If it doesn’t go 100% to plan, you have to be willing to roll with the punches. As with one on one sex, go with the flow, and take things as they come. If something is out of your comfort zone, let someone know. If you want things to stop, call it off. If you’re experiencing a hard time getting wet or hard, take a time out and then start things up again, or leave the room and come back. Masturbate, if that helps, or let people know what you need. A threesome is, obviously, sex between three people. Think about it like sex between three people.
A lot of it is difficult to describe without experience. Starting can begin quickly and effortless or with a bit of foot-dragging if you’re nervous. Finishing can be obvious and exhausting or it can be sudden and unexpected. As with one on one sex, you’ll learn from your experiences and likely have better experiences next time. This is why I think deciding you’re going to have a threesome is not so much a one off fantasy experiment, but a choice you make with your partner to experiment with three-way-sex.
Not all threesomes are good, but a lot of them are, and the good ones are worth working at and searching out.