my boyfriend & i aren’t very compatible when it comes to our kissing styles- i might even go as far as to say he’s a bad kisser. he insists that it’s a well-known unspoken “rule” that girls are supposed to keep their tongues in their own mouth when making out and only boys are supposed to allow their tongue to leave their own mouth. maybe I’m ignorant but i’ve never heard of such a thing. is he right? and is bad kissing chemistry a dealbreaker? how do we deal with this?
As my friends on the internet say, he’s cray cray. There is no such rule – none that I’ve ever heard. Even if there was, it doesn’t make much sense. No more sense than the rule that says girls can’t make the first grope, or showing your left tit before your right tit says something about your moral agenda. I just made those up. Diabolical laugh.
Sorry, uh, this type of chemistry is a toughie! Some people you kiss and it just works, you form a little mold together. With others you may have to slightly alter your style to match theirs. My favorite method for this is a fun challenge: tell your partner how you want them to kiss you. It’s fairly straight forward, but it can turn a simple assignment into a kinky game.
“I want you to kiss me back exactly like I kiss you.”
“I want you to kiss me slowly, and passionately.”
“I want to make out with you and use lots of tongue.”
There are also two important things you have to do. The first is challenge him when he says things like this. No. Bullshit. I can get my tongue all up in that just like you can. What are you talking about and where di you hear that, because it’s not true. Also: if he’s kissing you and you’re not kissing EACH OTHER – don’t let it go on. Don’t let him get his kiss all up on you without it being a partner experience. If you’re not kissing him back with some fluidity, it’s not going to feel right. I’m guessing this is what you’ve been experiencing.
I do think some of this is just chemistry – different styles, different people. As I mentioned in my “Can the sex get better?” post, sometimes that can be improved upon with practice, and sometimes things just don’t end up clicking. I would communicate how you feel about it clearly, and then work on making things more fluid between the two of you. Hopefully with some good intentions, clear goals, and practice, you can get where you want to be.
If the kissing were A) Bad B) A constant conflict C) You had different ideas of what good kissing was, it would be a deal breaker for me. Work out what your own personal deal breakers are and how far and hard you’re willing to go to make things work. Ultimately I think sometimes things like this can be a sign of a greater inconsistency in the relationship, and potentially a greater sign that some sort of chemistry just isn’t there.