My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. Recently we’ve encountered some setbacks and I’m wondering if you have any advice about reconnecting and rekindling the spark of a new relationship…

When you fall in love your brain drowns itself in hormones. It says, you’re in love, baby. This is new and exciting and I need more and more and more and more and… well, then your brain realizes that it’s not going anywhere and backs the fuck off. You’ll still get the hormones, the rush, the tingling of being in love… but it’s a bit like drugs. It’s going to take a bit more to get you the same feeling.

This is why it takes each partner actively participating in the relationship to make sure it stays afloat. A big part of that is making sure you’re each living separate lives. Continuing to be “you” instead of “we” is one of the most difficult parts of any relationship, because it can be hard to keep that balance. When you have that “you” – though- you’re able to share it with your partner. The “you” is what they fell in love with, after all. Continue to do things without your partner, don’t always be available, have friends that aren’t shared, and continue exploring new hobbies and activities. This allows you to share this separate part of your life with your partner when you are together, keeping things exciting.

If you do everything together and share everything together, at the end of the day it’s just like watching the recap of yesterdays show without ever getting to the new episode. No? Just me? I watch too much TV.

Your sex life also plays a role. When you’re together for a while it can be easy, as a couple, to fall into the things that you know you like. Talk to your partner about fantasies that haven’t been fulfilled. Yours and his. Even if it’s something you’re unsure you’ll like, it can be worth it to push yourself (and your partner) to try things in the bedroom to see if it’s something you’re interested in. Keep your boundaries clear, and stop when and if you feel uncomfortable. Bringing sex toys into the bedroom (as well as new lubes, condoms, or cuffs) can all be small additions into spicing things up if you’re not into that already. If you are, see if there is somewhere you can push it further.

Generally just communicating with your partner is going to help the most. What is lacking? What do you want to change? How can you change that? It takes time, granted, but it’s possible that the ‘setbacks’ are ones that you can get over.