Fact: There is a big difference between looking at a guy and being sexually aroused and being sexually aroused. Let’s face it, bodies are tricky. I wish it were so easy to simply look at a cock and be ready to go, but sometimes that’s not all it takes. And in our society it can be a little damaging to the male-ego if a girl just isn’t ready to fuck at all times of the day. But I don’t mean to be sexist, the same goes for the ladies. While it may be perceived as less common, sometimes men just don’t want to fuck either.

Generally speaking though, the ladies have more buttons to push, so let’s go there.

I’m sitting in my room, on my bed, and a naked guy comes and stands right in front of me. He’s hard, he’s ready to go. That is sexually arousing, but it doesn’t mean he can come up on me and slide his dick right in. That’s not how it works. Sometimes we may be blessed with the occasion in which the arousal happens quickly, or has happened prior, but we’re probably going to need at least a bit of warming up.

Warming up is what kicks sexual arousal into high gear. And like I said, this doesn’t mean you’re not turned on. But there is a difference between thinking damn, that’s some nice dick, and being ready to have it inside of you.

When a woman isn’t turned on the vaginal walls are collapsed on each other and she isn’t actively producing lubrication. This means that to attempt inserting anything into her is going to be forcing those walls apart against (relatively) dry skin. Not only is that going to be uncomfortable and potentially painful, but it could risk tearing and bleeding and a pissed off partner. When sexual arousal happens, the vagina will expand to allow penetration, and the walls of the vagina will begin to self-lubricate (I know, I know, one of my favorite terms) and this will make the penetration easier.

The tricky part comes here. How do you take a girl from wanting to have sex and thinking you’re hot to actually being ready to have sex?

Keyword: Patience.

Women vary, and so do experiences. One woman may be wet all the time every time in a matter of seconds. Another might need lots of warming up. Another woman may be ready to go sometimes, not so much at others. There are so many variables at play. Besides what time of the month it is, what sorts of medications they are on, you also have to think about how aroused they may have already been. Has the process started? Were they thinking about sex and fucking you before you came onto them, or were they stressing about work? How close they already are to being in the zone is going to make a big difference when it comes to getting them in deeper.

Enter foreplay. Lots and lots of foreplay. And remember that foreplay isn’t necessarily the same for every woman, so ask her what she wants. Oral sex? Fingering? Playing with the clit? Does she want you to do it, or does she want to masturbate? A toy? No toy? Lube? How hard how soft how long? What about some porn? What about dirty talk? Are you going to do it on the bed? Couch? Shower? Fully clothed, partially clothed, completely naked? Does all of this matter to them, none of it? The benefit of being with a partner long term is that you begin to learn these things about their body so you know what it takes to turn them on (in most cases) are enter the situation more prepared. If you’re going in to a new partner or with a one-time partner you’re going to have to stick to the basics (not basic: anal fingering) and see how that goes for you.

One of my favorites (and I think a pretty common favorite) is teasing as foreplay. This is by far my favorite kind of foreplay. Touching and teasing every bit of skin but not really ever giving your partner what they want. Doing this builds and builds and builds lust. While you’ve got blood filling up the genitals (making them much more sensitive) you’re also filling up the brain with this wanting feeling. So not only does she want to fuck you like crazy because you’re not letting her get off, but she wants you because you’re not giving yourself to her. Again, all women are different, and not all women are going to like this method… but I think it’s often ignored or done improperly. Good teasing could go on for upwards of an hour if you’re both into it. It’s not gently rubbing your finger across the clit and then rubbing it incessantly, it’s rubbing everywhere but the clit and then casually grazing it now and then. Some dirty talk is good thrown in there, too.

Get it? Following me? Okay.

Women are also responsible for this process. It’s not all on the men. It may take work for you to be turned on. You may have to choose to be in the mood even if you do want to fuck. If you’re in the middle of doing something else, stop it. Stop thinking about life, and think about fucking. Flick your brain over to primal mode. You’re about to get laid, get into it. Close your eyes and start fantasizing. You have to be fully in. This means being able to be consumed by the thought of sex. Only thinking about what you’re feeling and what you want to feel and what you want to do. If you’re thinking about cleaning the kitchen or your final paper or that you need to let your dog out… you’re doing it wrong. Life happens, but you need to be able to shut it out and flip the switch for an hour to enjoy yourself completely. So fantasizing is a good way to get started. Not just “Oh, man, Johnny Depp is so hot” fantasies, but any kind of fantasy. You could even just imagine your partner coming, or yourself orgasming, or what you want to do to your partner right that second. Thinking about sex is, surprise!, going to help you get in the mood for sex.

While your partner does get the lovely task of working you up, don’t rely on them to get the job done. Sex is a partner game, and your arousal is in your hands as well. Literally. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what to do, or to take their hand off you and do it yourself. Why doesn’t he go down on you while you finger yourself? Do what you need to do while he is doing his part. If you’re not getting everything you could get out of the situation change something, whether it be mental, environmental, or physical. If you’re not enjoying the sex and if you’re not getting worked up… it’s just not worth it.

Remember that sometimes one partner just isn’t wanting, and that doesn’t mean that they don’t want you. It’s unfortunate that we have to say that, but it’s true. Not everyone is always in the mood for sex, and if they aren’t in the mood for sex then they just aren’t. You can ask them if you can try to get them in the mood if they want to give it a shot, but you have to be accepting of the fact that tonight just might not be the night. Regardless of male or female, that sucks. Luckily, we are all gifted with masturbation. And hopefully we’re all becoming well acquainted with how to get ourselves off.