what I’m reading

Currently Reading (Novel) Stone Butch Blues

A must read:

Published in 1993, this brave, original novel is considered to be the finest account ever written of the complexities of a transgendered existence. Woman or man? Thats the question that rages like a storm around Jess Goldberg, clouding her life and her identity. Growing up differently gendered in a blue–collar town in the 1950s, coming out as a butch in the bars and factories of the prefeminist 60s, deciding to pass as a man in order to survive when she is left without work or a community in the early 70s. This powerful, provocative and deeply moving novel sees Jess coming full circle, she learns to accept the complexities of being a transgendered person in a world demanding simple explanations: a he-she emerging whole, weathering the turbulence.

 

cream.

I’ve re-added the character food porn in my categories section so I can start sharing the little things I bake again.

There is something about cashew cream that sounds decadent to me. Maybe it’s because cashews are one of those deliciously rich nuts. Maybe it’s because I’m just so damned proud of making it all by myself. Maybe it’s because I just know that even though it was so easy to make, it probably costs an arm and a leg to buy. (Can you even buy it?)

Anyways, it had been years since I’ve had fettuccine alfredo. It’s too rich for me, and my boyfriend is lactose intolerant. It was quickly cut from the menu and I started to miss it. I found this recipe for vegan fettuccine alfredo the other day and, despite being a bit put off by the word “vegan” – everything is vegan in Portland, and I’m not- I decided to give it a try. It sounded delicious.

First things first: I had to make the cashew cream. This was going to be the base of the entire meal.

Step One: Soak Cashews overnight

Step Two: Next day, blend the nuts, and strain them into a jar.

Step Three: You have Cashew Cream

I know, right? You’re supposed to use a food processor but I used a blender. I added less water then recommended when blending to make it creamer – which I’m guessing will be good for alfredo. You can use this in all kinds or recipes in place of milk products, which is awesome if you are or know someone who is lactose intolerant. I’m not sure what the calorie content is, but from a bit of reading it sounds like it could be a healthier option to milk. It’s a raw food, it’s a nut, and the fats are going to be heart-healthy.

I paid about $4 for two cups of cashews, but they can be pretty spendy. That being said, this is a lot of cream, so you’re not paying any more than what you’d pay if you bought this much of dairy cream. Just be sure to make it in advance, since the nuts need to soak overnight.

I’m excited to see what else I can use this in. Whipped cream? Dessert bars? :) Check out the Cashew Cream recipe and then make the Fettuccine Alfredo yourself.

Focus on the Fantasy

Hi, I’m female and my boyfriend and I have a very loving, healthy relationship, but I have a problem with our sex life. Before I met him I would masturbate to naked women and I still do. He accepts this but I also imagine woman when we have sex because it’s the easiest way to turn me on/get me off. I have also told him about this and he just responded with “okay.” I am very attracted to my boyfriend but feel guilty that I’m not using him fully for my arousal. I have tried different methods to help him get me in the mood, like dirty talk, but he’s not too comfortable with it. I also like aggression but he’s more of a vanilla boy, so when he tries to be aggressive it feels forced instead of fluid. How can I get it where it’s only him I’m focused on?

Just to let you know, you don’t need a formspring account to submit to formspring. I actually received part of your question on my formspring, but maybe it was acting funny? You can also email me questions at suggestivetongue@gmail.com – If anyone knows of any other ways in which questions could be submitted, let me know. I’m always up for new methods!

Now to the question!

I don’t know why it’s necessary to only be aroused by him, or only focused on him. All sorts of things can contribute to being aroused during sex. If you’ve found something that works for you, you’re ahead of the pack in my opinion. What it sounds like is that you two have some incompatibilities in the bedroom. You like dirty, aggressive sex, and you have a little bit of a soft spot for the ladies. You like your boyfriend and you’re in a great relationship so you are making things work by doing what you can in the bedroom to get off. That is nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s a fantasy, non? If you close your eyes and think about something erotic it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not giving your all in the bedroom. It just means that you’re letting your mind drift off into a special place that helps you get off.

And, presumably, the physical pleasure and the emotional intimacy you have with him completes the experience.

Now – if you were closing your eyes and pretending your boyfriend was really a woman wearing a strap-on because the idea of a penis anywhere near you was such a turnoff, that might be a different story. From what you’ve told me, though, it sounds like you like him, and you like the sex, but you’ve just got to make little personal kickstarter fantasies to get yourself going faster than is possible without him getting into the kinkier stuff.

Lastly, I get not being comfortable with the aggression or the rougher sex, but it sounds like it’s important to you and your experience. The fantasies are helpful, but it would be better if the two of you could start working to find a spot in the bedroom that truly worked for the both of you. I would sit down and talk to him about what makes him uncomfortable about it, and if there was somewhere soft that you could start. For instance, dirty talk can start simply with telling each other what feels good while you’re having sex. Bondage can start simply by holding each other down or using a pair of quick release cuffs. There are baby steps to take, and if he gives them a try he might find something in them that he likes as well.

And, of course, dive into the little fantasies that he has, if he has any. It’s likely that he does. Keep exploring, keep talking, and don’t feel bad about closing your eyes and seeing some vag every now and then if it’s what helps get you off.

They Came First.

What DO you do if you cum before your partner?

This is a great question! If you learned about sex through porn you might have the misconception that when one person orgasms, the other does too, and it’s this symphony of orgasming. Unfortunately it can be difficult to find this kind of synchrony during sex, and it can take a lot of practice to get to the point where you’re able to have simultaneous orgasms. That leaves a whole lot of sex where one person orgasms before the other. What do you do then?

- Play with yourself until you’re ready to go again

- Play with your partner until you’re ready to go again

- Help your partner get off with your mouth, hands, or toys

- Take a break and then go again when you’re both ready

- Watch your partner get themselves off

- Just keep going

For women the last option is more of a reality. Most men have longer reload times – so when they orgasm, their penis becomes flaccid. Some women are able to continue having sex after they orgasm, allowing them to orgasm several times before they reach their limit. Some men do have very quick reload times and are able to continue having sex soon after ejaculating. Other men have learned to orgasm without ejaculating, and are able to have multiple orgasms in one session.

It’s important to pay attention to the needs of your partner during sex, and after you have had your orgasm. If your partner hasn’t hit their peak yet, figure out a way to make it happen. They may be content making themselves orgasm, or they may want you to help. They may want you to get them off, or they may be OK with taking a raincheck on their orgasm. (Shocker: Not everyone needs to orgasm every time they have sex, and that’s fine!)

Why not ask your partner what their preferred method is? :) Chances are this will happen more than once, and you’ve got lots of options! With experience you will be able to find out what makes your partner tick and pick up on when they are about to orgasm. Communication (verbalizing when you’re close) helps too. With practice you can learn to speed up or hold off with one another so you’re able to come, if not at the same time, very close to one another.

What is your preferred way of finishing off when your partner comes before you?

A) Make yourself come quickly

B) Get them to finish you off

C) Call it a night and get even later

D) Other

 

Merina.

I’m on Merina and my sex drive has tanked. Low sex drive isnt listed as a side effect but I just don’t think this is me! Any suggestions for BC that is progestin only that may not kill my libido?

This is such a tricky question, since there are so many things that can influence your libido at any given time. The first thing that I would do is make sure that there are no other confounding variables. Other life stressors, depression, changes at home or work, new responsibilities, partner issues, etc. All of these things can have an influence. I would also note how long you’ve been on Merina, and give yourself a few months on it to let your body adjust to the progestin if you haven’t already. It’s a real bummer swapping birth control, particularly an IUD, which is why I’m offering up things to check prior to thinking about switching. It’s probable that you’ve already mentally checked these off your list already.

The next thing I would suggest is going to talk to your doctor about other options. If you’re set on a progestin only option, you can try your luck with the progestin only pills. <”Mini Pills.”> It’s another option that might work for you if you think you can take the pill at exactly the same time every day. Your doctor is going to be the best person to ask this question because they know your medical health history and can answer any questions you have about various types of birth control. Doctor, local clinic, local Planned Parenthood… all great options.

Lastly, if you haven’t already, check out the Planned Parenthood website for more information about different types of birth control. They also offer a test you can take to see what type might be right for you [here].

Fluctuation in your natural libido is normal, too. It’s important to know what is normal for you and your body, if only for you own peace of mind. Set up a chart for yourself for a while and note things like when you’re particularly ravenous for sex, when you’re really not into it, and anything else you want. Diet, weight gain, general mood, how often you are having sex, major life stressors. It won’t be particularly useful right away, but looking back month by month you may be able to pick out patterns and find correlations between things in your life and your sex life.

Hope you’re able to figure out the tanking drive, and your birth control. Good luck!