Hey gorgeous, did you know about this celestial event that happens once in 23 years where Saturn and earth are the closet which makes two unknown people find each other and stay together! Lets take a ride into the country side to see this event. shall we ? 
Hey girl, do you believe in soul mates? Meet me when Saturn is at these coordinates. You need not know my name. We will wait for the alignment, and then we can be together.
Forever, and ever, and ever…
It wasn’t until I read the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain that I realized I’d been lied to for my entire life. I wasn’t shy. I was introverted. The biggest difference for me was that I had no problem with who I was and showing who I was, I would just have rather not been put into positions where I had to. Seriously, though. Me, shy?
Even without being shy, introversion can make dating hard. I’m the one at the party pretending the bean dip is really interesting or having conversations with the cat, maybe gently swaying from side to side in a small group of people I already know really well, hoping I don’t have to introduce myself to anyone. I have also, somewhere in my lifespan, perfected the bitch face. That gentle way your lips and eyes rest that tells the world “I hate you, fuck off and die.”
Double whammy!
The problem with this is that I also have a small extrovert hiding somewhere inside of me that occasionally whispers “Now Lo, don’t you recognize how wonderful humanity is? All these people! They’re all different! Unique in their own special ways! Don’t you want to know what they can bring to your life?” So I’ve had to learn subtle techniques that convey “I’m really excited to be here and I like you as a person” when really I might be thinking “when this is over I’m going to see what I’ve missed on the news and eat a bowl of cereal.”
It’s not that I don’t get any pleasure out of social interaction, but, well, this quote sums it up pretty nicely.
“Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.”
Susan Cain
How do you convey “I’m interested in you” if you’ve got the social skills but are lacking in the energy? Like the quote above says, most of my energy goes towards people I already have in my life. People I’m already friends with. When there’s room left after all that, I try to keep the momentum going by making dates or spending time with people I don’t know as well. Without further ado,
Here are some things that have helped me.
1. Don’t put yourself down
Part of it for me is believing that I’m interesting and worth getting to know. I often times forget what it is about me that people might find interesting. I don’t want to go on and on about myself. I’d rather listen to other people talk about themselves and reflect on that. It’s helpful to remind myself that people would like to hear me talk a little bit about myself sometimes. An easy way to do this is by expanding something short and simple into a personal narrative. If your date asks you “Where are you from?” – for instance – don’t respond with “Portland” and then look shyly into your margarita. Where the fuck are you from? How did you get here? Make it a story. I assume that the people in my life who like me already don’t require this kind of story telling (also false, alas) but it can be exceptionally helpful with new people who you are trying to click with. Take those bits and pieces of yourself that you are accustomed to and make them shiny and new, present them outwards.
2. Remember your body language
A year or so ago I took a course on non-verbal communication. In the course we learned all kinds of things about how what we don’t say is still involved in communication. From things as obvious as what we wear, to things as small and difficult to control as eye movements or the crinkles in our brow. I try to be present and aware (and control the bitch face) by looking people in the eye, smiling, nodding, and positioning my body to face towards the people talking to me. Sometimes that can be incredibly difficult all on its own. Other things that are helpful: asking questions about what people say to show engagement, gesticulating when you talk, touching someone if it is appropriate (like a hand on the shoulder), and leaning in to whisper something quietly. Even if you are a listener, you can easily make it seem like you are more actively involved in the conversation by how you position yourself and how engaged you are.
3. If you don’t have anything to say, it might be a sign
Sometimes you are with someone and it feels absolutely natural, as if you’ve known each other forever. Here’s my final pointer and my small confession. I usually know if I’m going to like someone within the first few minutes of getting to know them. It is the combination of how real to themselves they seem and that body language that they put off. Some people you click with instantly and your conversation flows. You can finish each other’s sentences, you have the same sense of humor, you get one another. Sometimes chemistry is instantly there – no need for further developments. Other times you chat and you find you have many things in common but you know that you would not enjoy them as a romantic or sexual partner. Sometimes you’re not sure – and you give it a second shot. Even as an introvert I know that sometimes not knowing what to say or feeling uncomfortable in a certain social situation doesn’t mean it’s me. Sometimes its a sign that you and that person just don’t get along. These situations can be even more painful, but even more useful as well.
Because, well, what do you talk to someone about if you don’t know what to talk to them about? There’s the challenge.
Really it truly is all about looking at each person as unique and special and wanting to understand what makes that person tick. Whether or not you go out on a date and find chemistry, I think it’s possible to find each person interesting for themselves and what makes them them. Handling dates in this way can help take the pressure off. Go, have fun, talk, listen, open up, let them open up, and see where it takes you.
I made the mistake of deleting everything in my inbox, so I was left with lots of shorter more recent messages rather than some really awful longer messages. Worth sharing, nonetheless.
hello. Meatballs. First word that came to mind..
Such an attractive face- Thanks for sharing- best to you!
ಠ_ಠ meow.
ahh hey cool profile what are you up to this wkend in portland then??
you want haircut? me give good haircut
You need large Russian cock, I can tells.
I know, I know. It’s been days since I’ve blogged. I made promises. Life’s been happening and every time I’ve sat down to answer my questions I’ve been stumped. I don’t know how to answer them, not yet anyways. Then earlier today someone on OkCupid asked me a bunch of questions about being in an open relationship and I was inspired again.
Let’s say you meet someone who is in an open relationship and you really like them and you want to date them. For many people the immediate brick wall is “but I can’t have all of them to myself” or “eventually the relationship won’t be able to progress any further.” You see their being in an open relationship as a road block towards you developing a relationship with them. This is certainly in part because we view relationships as fairly one-directional. You date someone, it proceeds in a certain way, it follows a script.
I have tried fairly desperately to learn how to be open to all kinds of relationships in my life – particularly now that I am in an open relationship. That means if I like someone, I want to have them in my life. Even if I can’t always do everything I want with them, or vice versa. It is about having meaningful experiences, even if they don’t follow any particular trajectory.
I often talk about the same thing in terms of relationships that run a course and then end. Relationships that end haven’t necessarily failed, they just lived out a certain purpose. You had those good experiences with a person until they weren’t good anymore or weren’t satisfying you in the right way anymore and then your relationship changed.
As I tiptoe into polyamory I realize that some of the intent here is accepting that relationships comes in all shapes and sizes, and it’s about learning how to love people. It’s about being open to experiences happening in whatever ways they want to happen, and figuring out what that means along the way. There is certainly some structure involved (particularly if you have a “primary” relationship) but there is also a lot of fluidity.
And, yeah, I’ve been completely nerd-gasming all over macrumors the past 24 hours. If you haven’t checked out the latest updates to the iOS, head over and read up. I just picked up the iPhone 5 a week or so ago. A big upgrade from the 4 I’ve had the past few years. Can’t wait for the upgrades.
Finished Reading:
Currently Reading:
A few people asked me to talk about how I feel about plan-b, given the recent news that it would be more available for girls and women. I had the extreme good fortune of taking a course this year called “The Science of Women’s Bodies” which covered hormones in depth. I found it incredibly interesting how we are influenced by things like estrogen, oxytocin, progesterone, and testosterone. If you ever have the opportunity to take a course on hormones and behavior or a science of the human body course, I would highly recommend it. It gave me better insight into how these pills work and how they can help women take control over their bodies. It’s amazing.
It’s been almost ten years since I started taking the pill. For me it was about wanting to be able to enjoy my sexuality without having to fear unintended pregnancies. I didn’t want to get pregnant – I didn’t want a baby – I didn’t want kids - I didn’t want an abortion. Sexuality and the freedom that women have with their bodies has changed drastically in the last century. With things like birth control and STD tests and pap smears we are given new and varied freedoms with our bodies. Anyone who says “sex is about reproduction” has never studied sexuality. We have always explored our bodies – our own, and each others. We have always participated in sex that was not for reproductive purposes. We have not always had the ability to do so in a way that spared unwanted children from being born, or that spared men and women of infection. We are lucky that the advances in medical health can help us have freedom over the choices that we make without the dangerous side effects that sometimes occur.
I think about the young girls who are exploring their sexuality but feel unsafe sharing that part of themselves with their families. I think about the young girls who get used or abused and need to seek help for themselves because they don’t have anyone they can talk to. I think about how many people plan b can help – having it be available – accessible – affordable. It is about more than health and safety, it’s about more than preventing unwanted pregnancies, it’s about more than lowering the rate of abortions. It’s about having control over your own sexuality and feeling like you have access to the resources that you need to own your body and the choices that you make.
I’m in full support of making birth control and emergency contraception more widely available. The only thing that would make this an even better deal is if accessibility to birth control was tied to an increase in comprehensive sexual education. Taking birth control pills and emergency contraceptives is not difficult. I have complete faith in a girl’s ability to read directions and listen to the pharmacist. But information about hormones (such as I have received in my course/s) and other information about sexuality would be incredibly beneficial to have alongside.
What’s the best way to tell someone that you’re in an open relationship, without making it seem like you’re hitting on them? We’ve got friends we’d love to tell just to have someone to talk about it with openly but we don’t want them to think we want to sleep with them. (And there are other people we’d LIKE to sleep with but don’t want to come on too strong… would rather subtly just “leave this information here…” to plant the idea in their minds.)
Great question! I find that just walking up to someone and saying “I’m in an open relationship” always leaves a lot to interpretation, so if you’re going to tell someone, an extended conversation is usually necessary. Aside from wanting to explain exactly what “open” means to you, they will likely have questions of their own, or preconceived notions that they want cleared up. If your concern is sounding too forward, make it clear why you want to share that information with them. We decided to try an open relationship and we really wanted to tell someone about it so we can have someone to talk to about it. If these friends are cool enough that you want to tell them about your relationship, chances are they won’t immediately jump to the wrong conclusion.
On the other hand, coming on too strong when you do want to come on can be a more difficult conversation. I suppose it’s important to remember that you can’t control how someone else reacts or the perception that they have of you. You can choose who you tell based on your feelings about them and if you think they might be interested. I think it’s probably best to be honest, if not a little coy about it. For instance, you could say something like If you’re ever interested, you could come have fun with us. That could throw them a line that says “We’d be interested in including you in some way but you don’t have to feel obligated to say yes.”
Some people do feel a little awkward having this conversation. That’s completely fair and any emotions that come out of it need to be respected. If you feel like you made them uncomfortable, they might need time to think, or they might not be the right people for it. Let the idea simmer and don’t press them further. Give them a chance to come back to you to ask questions or accept the invitation. If they’re not interested, don’t feel discouraged. No two people respond to things like this in the same way, and it’s worth bringing up even if it doesn’t come to fruition.
