pro-sex isn’t pro-sex if you’re only pro-one-type.

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A long time reader sent me THIS LINK earlier today entitled The Joy of Judgmental Christian Sex. The article talks about two books (Sexperiment and Real Marriage) touted as hip and cool Christian books that are pro-sex. Look at me! I’m religious and like sex! I can write a book about it! The problem is, like the article says:

[...] in fact, they are treatises against homosexuality, pornography and premarital sex.

I’ve done some personal reading and research on some of these books, which seem to be cropping up every other day. If you do some searching on my blog for books like “Sex: It’s worth waiting for” –  you’ll find I tear apart the book, as respectfully as possible. I note that any semblance of true sex positivity is so deeply coded in lines and complete and utter bullshit that you’d have to be studying sexuality as a life-plan to truly get what they’re trying to sort of say. Essentially “Sex is awesome! We love it! But if you do it any of these 29348293042 ways you’re probably going to hell or a slut or infected with various STDs because you’re a bad person and that’s why sex is bad. Except this one way. In which it’s good.” The bottom line being that sex CAN BE good, I think, but to pull that message out of all that other crap takes a word-miner of expert proportions.

I agree with the author of the article. Are there any Christian pro-sex books out there that advocate any type of consensual sex between adults as a-okay? Because I know there are some of you out there that consider yourself buddies with the big man and still like to take it in the rear. Where are you, can you write a novel? I’m waiting!

on the sadness of cold hearted bitches who don’t know it

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Something about men needing fixing.

I know it’s neither appropriate nor dishonest to say, but I enjoy a good challenge. In High School I spent a lot of time with the sad boys, adding my own secret ingredients to the mixing pot of their dispair. I was the hot pink band-aid I applied to their festering wounds that they ripped off, quite painfully so, every time they went home and cried in bed at night. And yet, not once, no never, did they let me know that all of their self-loathing really came from the lack of attention they got when they were happy.

There is a fine line between just sad enough that people want to fix you and so sad and pathetic that no one wants to be around you, and people find themselves walking into the walls of these mazes quite frequently as they look for the perfect spot of seduction. Tend to me for I am broken but I am so happy in my wandering.

They always wear dark colors and have hobbies that you read about in books but don’t really care about in real life, like programming or golf. Some of them talk about how they used to scuba dive in some former life you hardly relate to their current self.

Some people are left-overs of who they used to be, rotting away in a shell so easily compared to the cold and sticky outside of a refrigerator. Slam.

Nobody really cares.

Some people are used as tools by other people because they can’t see the line between sadness and actual need for human empathy. Everyone is sad. Sadness is unexceptional. The sky is grey and you’re lonely and drunk and you hate yourself and that’s great. Write a novel about it.

But the true need for human empathy often reaches that point where no one wants to be around you. Where they feel you sucking the life out of them, too, in that desperation to just feel someone else near you. And unknowing of these difference between “sad” and “desperate” or “nerdy” and “guy with nerdy glasses” we find ourselves trapped in boxes that no one told us if we walked into them we’d get stuck. Trapped.

Hitting walls now as you could care less about love, or connection, or seduction, but simply escape from your own personal hell that you’ve crafted the best way you knew how.

So these sad boys left one by one and I discounted them as careless of me, because how easily they could leave without a second glance backwards. I thought they needed me but really I needed them. To remind me that there were people out there much sadder and lonelier than I was. And of course, that to need and be needed back is only truly revolutionary is neither one of you ever really desires more than simply that.

What I’m Reading + Notes

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What I’m Reading

iPad Fleshlight Case is … interactive porn?

Just about everything that is Vacerelli lately.

Another great post on the equality of all women’s rights by Jessica Valenti

Mind Games with Kelly Oxford

And lastly, as with current events, if you see a friend post suicidal content on Facebook please notify someone.

Sex & The Family Notes

Some of this will be straight jibberish from my notebook, some obvious and some fun, others will be thoughts from the class.

STARTING WITH: Drawing your own genitalia by memory! We had a guest speaker come in and go through male and female anatomy this past week and it’s been incredibly fascinating. At the start of one of the classes he brought up the activity of going and drawing your own genitals from memory and then comparing to see how close you were. A lot of people snickered and thought it was weird, but I thought it was kind of awesome. Even if you’re ze best arteessst in the land, you should know “whats normal for you” and this might be a good test at just how well you know yourself. Give it a shot. Let me know if you do and if anything surprised you! (I won’t post your genital drawings on my blog unless they’re really awesome.)

I thought very simple examples of sexism were interesting. For instance just prompting “Are you male or female?” prior to a study may influence the results on the study because you are reminded “I am female” prior to answering the questions. Strange where those biases can come in to play.

Circumcision: Why would someone circumcise their child? Many people looking for excuses to do it because they want to, but want their to be “valid” medical health reasons to do so. Teacher explains that there really aren’t any, and so you should own where you desires come from and that’s okay to feel the way you feel. For instance: Maybe you just want your son to look the way you (or your partner) does – in the sense that it will be easier to explain bodies to them if you two look the same. Or perhaps it is a tradition in your family, albeit a strange one when get down to it, that you circumcise. No right nor wrong here, necessarily (or as one of my teachers says: no shame no blame!) 

Foreskins… in face cream? FIBROBLAST. Also foreskins in skin grafting. What happens with foreskins in hospital?

This is kind of cool: At Portland State they’re working on having a gender neutral bathroom in all the buildings (I think) which would mean bathrooms which anyone can go in. Not just one stall rooms, either. They also talked about the idea of allowing gender-identity to play a roll in which restrooms you could use. For instance if you identified as female but were born male, you could use the female restrooms… well, anyways. Gender and restrooms. Think about it.

My teacher said “owning your sexuality” and I just about died. He also referenced that it means doing what you want to do and NOT doing what you don’t want to do. In other words: if you don’t like it, say no. If you do like it, say yes! This reminds me of a meme I saw recently about: If you say yes, you’re a slut. If you say no, you’re a prude. Just no winning in the virgin whore dichotomy. (Which is what I’m writing one of my papers on this term.)

Someone asked about PMS: is it real? The answer he gave – as a man – was very eloquent, and safe. Essentially that everyone has cycles all the time and that perhaps just once a month women become more insightful about who all the assholes are and become more verbally confident, or something. Basically that it was about perception. And of course he also mentioned how fantastic the female body is and how it really isn’t so much to ask for someone to cook you dinner and get you some chocolate. You know, in the grand scheme of ovary-explosion uterus-shedding, really-exhausted-being-human kind of way.

Oh, and we talked about the g-spot. He expressed some rage in how we’ve done studies that correlate handedness (left/right/ambi) to which one of your testicles hangs lower. And yet. We still don’t know exactly what the g-spot (area? region?) is – where it is – if every women has one – what exactly the purpose is – or how it’s related to squirting (female ejaculation) since it appears to me. We also don’t necessarily know what the fluid is that is squirted out, aside from the fact that it is not urine.

Fucked up, right? Particularly in light of the “studies” that have come out recently. There is no denying there is a G-REIGION OF SOME KIND but that modern science hasn’t fully solved that mystery yet is kind of astounding, no?

What we do know is that: it is an area of heightened sensitivity in most females on the anterior wall of the vagina and that stimulating it is related to the release of fluid known as female ejaculation or squirting.

I know guys, I know.


He then went into some explanation about the paraurethral glands but I’m not going to pretend I’ve looked this up yet but I plan to and if I find anything insightful I’ll get back to you. If you men out there want to do some studying of your own, do a quick search for the prostate. The ladies don’t have one (the p-spot and the g-spot are said to be analogous, as many parts in the male/female bodies are) and the prostate is the source of lots of really fucking rad shit.

(Note: Lots of people/websites/books will articulate quite clearly what the g-spot is and where it is and what it is, as have I in the past, but as much of this information is contrary nor not very well researched, take it for what it is?)

I then drew a picture of a vagina that looks like a really scared alien but alas I don’t have a scanner.

Menopause: 50s, typically

Menarche: 9-16 yrs of age, sharp bell curve, age becoming younger but menopause not becoming older.

Those who start menarche earlier tend to be African American or poor (typically poor + african american) yet we still don’t know exactly why the age is getting younger or how it may correlate to this.

Some positive-thinkers say that it’s just our bodies going “Hey, you live longer now, lets give you a longer period of time to reproduce by making you able to at a younger age – for a longer time!” But I don’t know about that.

Tra la la, ovulation. And done.

Newty.

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What’s your opinion on the whole Newt Gingrich/open relationship thing?

If anyone wants a refresher on why Newt Gingrich has really been a big deal in the news lately there is a brief summery on his wikipedia page. Essentially he cheated on his wife/s(?), and brought up open marriage in the afterward. The conclusion being drawn in the media is that an open relationship was “the permission to cheat.” I agree with a lot of what people have been saying in the media as a response to this.

1. An open relationship/marriage must be equally wanted by each party. You can’t do it just to make your partner happy, or to keep them “with” you, by giving them what you think they want.

2. An open relationship/marriage is not cheating. Cheating presumes deceit, an open relationship or marriage is transparent and honest.

3. An open relationship/marriage can help those who want to be together be honest (avoid infidelities) but it is not a cure for infidelities that have already taken place. If someone cheats on you, there are issues in the relationship (trust issues, for one) that should be discussed and dealt with before simply opening things up.

4. People are more accepting of stories involving infidelities rather than open relationships because we are more knowledgable about these stories. We may be outraged by stories of infidelities, but because we are accustomed to hearing about them and have scripts with how to deal with them, they are easier to absorb. To take in. Typically we don’t know what an open marriage means so we don’t know how we should react to it. (Generally unfavorably.)

A good article to read is HERE if you want to read more.

I guess it’s just frustrating to me that when sexuality is discussed within the private lives of politicians it’s to criticize what they’re doing. I did not sleep with that woman! I did not cheat on my wife! I do not like having sex with random strangers! I did not put that inside of me! I was not caught wearing no underwear! This, on the other hand, takes something that already has a difficult time being understood and puts a negative spin on it. Many people are never going to be confronted with the idea of an open marriage and so the media representation is all they’ve got. When they see the open marriage being defined as an alternative to cheating, or cheating, or being done by some vile politician… that starts to define what they consider an “open marriage” to being. And that’s just kind of sad.

ring around the [...]

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After much putting-off my original post on cock rings and a few questions that were asked, I’ve finally taken the time and pulled together a post on the little devils. In order to get this out more quickly I decided to postpone including my interviewing guys who have actually used them and am giving you my perspective and advice instead.

What is a cock ring? 

A cock ring is a circular toy meant to wrap around the shaft of the penis and typically the testicles as well. I tried to find a good diagram of this to show you, but I could not find one, and would advise you to stay away from google images. None of the images seemed to accurately represent a normal use of a basic cock ring.

Why would I wear a cock ring?

This is where your anatomy lessons come in to play.

The physical act of the erection is caused by the tubes in the penis (called the corpora cavernosa) filling with blood. Another tube, the corpus spongiosum, also fills with blood… but to a lesser extent than the corpora cavernosa. Since blood + penis = erection, the cock rings job is to wrap around the base of the penis – the source of the blood flow – and hold it in the erect penis for longer. A few benefits of the cock ring may be a larger or more pronounced erection, a stiffer erection, a longer lasting erection, a more sensitive penis, and a more powerful orgasm. A vibrating cock ring can also be used to help provide clitoral stimulation for the female partner during intercourse, as most women need clitoral stimulation to get off. The vibrations can also help men get off in a similar fashion, although some find the vibrations too intense.

What types of materials are cock rings made of?

Cock rings come in a bevy of materials ranging anywhere from rubber, to fabric, to metal.  Just like any other sex toy, you’re going to want to consider what sort of experience you’re looking for.

How much is a cock ring? 

The price of a cock ring is largely dependent on the quality and material of the toy you chose. A less durable rubber cock ring may be as inexpensive as $1-2, but may last a shorter period of time than a toy made out of a nicer silicone. A ring made of metal may range closer to $30-40. Because of the size of the toy, it is generally going to be less expensive than many dildos or vibrators.

What type of cock ring should I get?

For your first cock ring I would suggest an inexpensive rubber one. It should be fairly easy to pick this out at your local adult store if you have one, or online if you prefer that method. Examples: One, Two. Buying an inexpensive cock ring will let you know if you like the effect of the toy. It doesn’t seem necessary to buy a super-fancy cock ring for this. If you realize you like it and want to buy a super-fancy one afterwards, you’ll have a better idea of what to look for. This style of cock ring will also stretch more, making it easy to take the ring off and put it on regardless of how erect you are. Many cock rings have little to no stretch and are on once they are on, which can prove to be an anxiety-ridden experience for some men, especially if they’ve never used one before. If you’re looking for a vibrating ring in particular, I would suggest one that has a removable bullet or replaceable batteries so the toy isn’t rendered useless when it runs out of juice. (Example) I would personally avoid the cock rings that look huge with tons of gadgets and widgets and things protruding all over the place. It can be difficult to get everything aligned so it hits just right, and in the long run can be more of a hassle than it is enjoyable. Think hard about what you want in your toy and look for features that would supplement that.

 

How do you put on a cock ring?

I can only respond from what I’ve experienced on this one. Feel free to chime in. If you are using a very stretchy cock ring you will stretch it out, pull it down your cock, and then wrap one side of the ring under your testicles. The toy should be around the shaft and the under side of the testicles. Some people wear the ring just around the shaft near the base. This will not provide all the same benefits, but if you are using it for clitoral stimulation it will work fine.

If you are using a stiffer cock ring I would suggest lubing up the inside of it to prevent chaffing and to allow a better slide on. For this cock ring you will want to put it on while you are still mostly flaccid, so you can get it over your shaft/testicles. Slide it on and pop things in place. You can put a stretchier ring on whenever you want during sex, and take it on and off as desired. A stiffer cock ring will stay on until you become flaccid again.

How do you remove a cock ring?

For a stretchier cock ring, just pull it away from the body and slide it off, carefully. For a stiffer cock ring, wait until you are flaccid. It is important to be patient to allow the blood to leave, as this will make it much easier to pop yourself out of it. This is the part where your method may vary, but generally speaking you’re going to want to pop either your flaccid penis or one testicle through the ring to make it easier to slip everything else out. If you find that things are still too erect, wait a bit longer, perhaps take a cool shower to calm down. Lubing things up a bit more to slide it off might help. Worst case scenario, you can clip the material away very carefully. This is why I’m not a fan of metal cock rings – it’s nice to have a worst case scenario.

Aside from a simple stretchy black ring (a stand by) and a horrific nightmare of a bulbous spiky massively huge try-it-once ring, we have two favorites. These toys stretch very little, and will be staying on until you become flaccid again. That being said, they’re both a lot of fun.