I have recently discovered, during a night of drunken sexcapades, that my bf enjoys being on the receiving end of anal. I started small, just a finger, and we’ve gradually moved our way up to bigger and better things and we’ve liked all of them. I just placed an order for my first strap on after we discussed the possibility of me pegging him, which will require a bit of dominance from me. Honestly I had never considered penetrating a man before but I find it to be a huge turn on. BUT…here’s my issue. Even though I’ve always been very sexually open minded, I’d always been placed into the “you’re submissive so get over it” box by my ex husband and that is giving me a lot of pause and self doubt. I’m having a very difficult time understanding and embracing that part of myself after many years of being told it doesn’t even exist. How do I bring all of those feelings to the forefront gently and reconcile myself to them? I’m not looking to become some kind of dominatrix but I know that my bf wants me to take control during this particular sex act and I want to be sure that both of us are comfortable and feel safe doing so. I’d also like to avoid any second guessing or regrets myself afterwards.
This is an opportunity to use two of my favorite lessons in the past couple of years. The first is identity. Your identity is something you identify as. That means that no one else can define what it means to be you except for you. It’s unfortunate that your ex-husband pigeon holed you into being submissive, but there is no reason you should abide by that label if it doesn’t suit you. The second lessons which follows neatly after the first is both/and. The both and is all kinds of useful when we’re talking bout identity because it implies that you can be two things that appear at odds with one another. In this case, you can be both submissive and dominating. It’s certainly easy to look at people as either submissive or dominating but reality is not quite so tidy and many people enjoy both sides of the coin. Others never learn which they like, or don’t get the opportunity to try both. You have that opportunity.
Just as your partner started slow with the receiving of penetration, you too can start slow with the dominance. While pegging can be inherently dominant in nature because of the act and what it means to many people, it doesn’t have to come wrapped in smelly leather and handcuffs. You can just as easily explore this kind of play in a soft and gentle way. You can spoon, you can caress, you can make love, as some would say. It could help you get into pegging if you can do the pegging sans the “taking control” bit, at least to start.
It can be intimidating to think of dominating your partner, especially if they are bigger than you are, or if it’s not your typical role. Luckily gender or size of person has little to nothing to do with whole is in control. Much of your role will likely be telling your partner what to do and what not to do, asking them how they like being “on the bottom” and/or focusing on the new emotional feelings that might arise from being 100% more phallic.
As for safety and comfort, talk talk talk. What are your boundaries? What are things you do or don’t want to do? What about him? Are there any specific phrases or acts he would like included in this scenario? What about you? How might you comfortably explore this? Are there steps you can take, or would you rather jump in and see where the ride takes you? Does your play require a safe word? It would be a good idea to determine one, if you think it’s necessary.
I don’t know how to advise you to avoid regret. Don’t do anything that you don’t want to do. Communicate openly and honestly about your likes and dislikes. Go into the experience with an open mind knowing that you might not like it, but that you can stop whenever you want to, and that you don’t have to do it again. Don’t have any particular expectations about what it might be like and let yourself absorb the moment. What can you get out of this experience, even if the experience is something that he initially requested? How can you make it something that both of you are doing together so you can both get something out of it? And please, don’t let your identity be shaped by the things that you do in bed, unless you want those things to reflect who you are. They don’t have to.
Keep the lines of communication open and keep talking about these things, keep trying new things, and continue exploring your sexuality together. You might not always sync up 100% in terms of what you enjoy in the bedroom, but having that openness is fantastic.