Weekly Update: Working, Working, Working, Crying on my Laptop

Working from 8am-5pm means that I’m up at 6am and home at 6pm. I spend most of my day thinking about how excited I am to write, but when I come home, the only thing I can muster the energy to do is sit on the couch and stare at the television.

When I was in college people used to ask me how I managed to have so much time to write. At that time I think I was pushing out about 600 posts per year.

The answer is that I was an ignorant little noodle nut. I also didn’t really think about what I wrote before I wrote it. (I still don’t really do that, but at least now I’m a little more fastiduous.)

Here’s what’s been going on:

We watched Wonder Woman and it was good

Do you think to yourself oh my god it’s 2017 and people lose their shit when a women does something successful (?) It’s great that women in the arts are finally becoming more recognized for their success and talent…  it’s also kind of bewildering to realize how far we have left to go. Does not compute.

Best Friends Getting Married

One of my very best friends got married and I had the privilege of being a bridesmaid for the first time! I also got to wear fake eyelashes for the first time. 10/10 would do again (surprisingly.) I also got to meet another long-time internet friend which just added to the excitement of the whole affair.

Gratuitious Photo of Our Cat

This is Button, she turned one this May. Last night she alerted us to a very quick and scary looking spider. While we were in the process of debating who would kill it, she scaled the bookcase, booped it on the head, chased it around for an hour, and eventually killed and ate it. I’ve never been more proud of anything in my entire life.

Fountain Pen Obsession Grows

I don’t know if you want to go down this rabbit hole (because it can be expensive) but I added a fourth pen to my pen family while I was in Canada this month. A Lamy Fountain Pen (medium nib) with a dark blue ink. It writes so incredibly smoothly and is not very expensive (~$25 on Amazon) so it’s a good introductory pen for newbies. It takes place of my previous favorite, the Pilot Metropolitan. I plan my more lengthy article-style posts on pen and paper so it helps to have a pen worth writing with.

I hope everyone has a very happy Monday. Remember, Monday’s are crap, so it’s within your right to pick up a four-shot latte Give your barista a smile because, y’know, it’s Monday for them too.


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Happy Pride, and: “Straight Pride” is a Misnomer

Pride month (June) has become an overarching celebration for all LGBTQ people. If you attend a pride event you’ll probably hear the word queer a lot. During June we celebrate diversity and the fluidity of gender and sexuality.

Listening to Dan Savage the other day in the car (which my new tedious drive home has given me the time and space to do) I heard him chat a bit about straight pride. The usual, predictable, yawn-worthy “but what about straight pride?” retorts that come about every spring.

I really like Dan’s response, because he tells listeners that straight people should have pride in their sexuality. Not in being straight, but in having the choice to be or not be as sexual as you want to be.

Your typical heterosexual cis-person doesn’t need to fight for any of the same rights that someone who is trans or gay has needed to /continues to fight for, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t different themes of identity struggle or identity celebration.

All people – regardless of gender or sexuality – can struggle with the free and open expression of sexuality. Having pride in your sexuality means celebrating you the way that you are.

It’s not actually “straight pride”

Calling it straight pride is a misnomer. We celebrate gay pride because of the struggle that non-heterosexual people have had to go thorugh, and continue to go through. It’s not about saying “hey, listen about how excited I am about being gay!” Straight people don’t need to validate the existance of their identity/sexuality because literally no one gives a shit. (Therefore, dedicating a month to celebrating how amazing being straight is would be a real dick move.) During PRIDE we remind ourselves that the LGBTQ community shouldn’t have to validate themselves, either.

But sexuality is still something we can feel proud about!

When celebrating identity and sexuality we can use that opportunity to break down the boundaries of what it means to be heterosexual. We can think more critically about what sexual orientation means and how it (and the boxes that define things like heterosexuality) limit us.

We can also use it as an opportunity to better understand why sexual expression is still under attack (see: abstinence only education, the war on women’s bodies.)

Take the month of June to focus on your LGBTQ friends and family. There will be an extra-ton of resources available to you! Read more about current issues and see where and how you can get involved. Carry froward this work forward as the year goes on.

After you get a handle on that, take some quiet time to think about what your own sexual identity means, and how you can better own it.

How are you celebrating PRIDE this month?


Have a question or need advice about sex or love? Submit here and I’ll answer it on my blog! P.S. I’m building a newsletter for my blog. You’ll get extra content just for email subscribers…  and if you’re reading this, you’re the first to know about it! SIGN UP HERE!

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How To Make Friends When You’re 28

We were at a house party with mutual friends and I was hovering around the chip table. The moment you went to the bathroom I leaned over to Shelly and said “I have to befriend her.”

This is what friendship looks like when you are 28. It’s tactical. Play one is always the same. You lean over to a mutual friend, your partner, your cat, and you whisper with awe: I have to befriend her.

You’re going on and on about all of my favorite hobbies and all of my favorite sports teams and all of my favorite foods and in my head I’m hopping back and forth clapping, in my head screaming “me too me too me too” with a basket full of vocal fry.

Instead I nod, curtly.

Yes, sports, mmhmm, you enjoy discussing sexuality with your peers, yes, that is the good time these days. 

I make a move to the bathroom and vomit all of the stress chips I just ate. Everyone brought Kettle sea salt & vinegar chips so when it comes up its like a salty, tangy wave of regret.

I come back and you’re standing in a new group of people and there’s no easy way for me to make my move into the circle. The kettle chips are wide open so I go back and start eating them again so I have something to do with my hands.

HOW TO BEFRIEND A NEW GIRL-FRIEND WHEN YOU’RE 28 AND MOSTLY COMFORTABLE WITH YOU WHO ARE BUT ALSO STILL SLIGHTLY FEEL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS MORE AMAZING AND MORE WONDERFUL AND SLIGHTLY MORE ADULT THAN YOU

  1. Say “I have to befriend her” out loud.
  2. Develop a comprehensive list of everything you have in common.
  3. Don’t act like a total spaz when they say “I absolutely love this [one cult movie that you thought you were the only person in the world that saw it and now, here she is, your dream girl, and now that gay marriage is legal you’d totally propose because this might be it, this is probably it] – “
  4. Oh yeah, I like [that thing] too. We should totally [that thing] sometime.
  5. NOW WAIT UNTIL SHE OPENS HER MOUTH TO AGREE AND WALK AWAY.
  6. She’ll be like oh shit this girl is so cool we have one thing in common and she wants to hang out with me maybe I need to rebalance my friend stock portfolio but she just walked away like how could she do that she must not be very desperate for friends. Oh god should I be desperate for friends?
  7. ONCE SHE BEGINS QUESTIONING EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS TO BE TRUE, WALK BACK UP, HAND HER A COLD BEVERAGE, STAND LIKE FONZIE BUT IRONICALLY.
  8. At this point she will now awkwardly ask you to hang out and it will sound like shes asking you first even though you already asked her.
  9. Tell her it’s a great idea, you’d love to hang out, it’s so nice of her to ask, let’s exchange numbers.
  10. HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE A NEW FRIEND.
  11. Don’t text them immediately. Wait like three days and then send them a gif of a bear riding a motorcycle. Type out “just like last night, so crazy” and right when you see that read receipt, PRESS SEND. Then throw your phone in a lake.
  12. You’ll see her by chance at the market, wave and say “Hey… You’re so and so, right? We should totally hang out!” DONT MAKE PLANS FOR LATER. You’re only available RIGHT NOW.
  13. Get her drunk. Tell her all of your deepest darkest secrets.
  14. Wait for her to tell you hers.
  15. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO INSANE YOU ARE SO BRAVE WOW. AMAZING. I CANT BELIEVE WE CLICK SO WELL.

Invite her to your wedding. When you have your first born, call her Auntie so and so. Send her a card in the mail once a year for no reason that just says “you’re a real sweetheart.”

ERrea erraa erra (rewinding sound)

REAL GUIDE FOR MAKING FRIENDS WHEN YOU’RE 28

  1. Find friend. Proclaim with confidence “you’re my friend now.” Don’t overthink it – you’re awesome!
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The Way The World Will See Us

Me: The imposter syndrome is kicking in again

Therapist: Talk more about that, what does it feel like?

Me: I CAN’T DO IT, THEY’LL FIND ME OUT! I’ve been learning one way of doing things, but it’s the wrong way! It’s been the wrong way all along! I’ve tricked them into hiring me. I’m no good. I’m a no good cat.

Therapist: And?

Me: This big project is hard and scary. It’s big and hard and scary.

Therapist: You know why it’s big and hard and scary?

Me: Why?

Therapist: Because it’s a real job. It’s an adult job. It’s a big, real, adult, scary job task. And you’re doing it. You’ve been doing it all along.

Me: I need a progress bar. A little progress bar above my head. So I can look at the little aqua blue filling to see I’ve made it this far, I guess, I’ve made it all that way, I guess I can make it a litte further. 

Therapist: You can’t trick someone into thinking you’re better than you are.

Me: Are you totally sure, though?

Therapist: You know how to do all these things because you’ve been doing them, you’ve already been doing them, you’re a person that does them.

We go on a walk, I see some dandelions. I look over to them. Look at all those wishes. I imagine in a second, running down the hill. No, rolling down the hill. Maximum impact. I’ll roll them down all at once like a steam roller of wishes. And every wish would be the same. Later on our walk, Jason tells me that all he saw were weeds, and that I must have some special way of thinking.

I tell him not to put the plant in the car because it will be lonely.

I tilt my head at the cat and she tilts back.

I tell my therapist she must have an awfully long day listening to people, six or eight of us, all day long, a very long day. She gives me a funny smile.

Isn’t this just the way everyone is?

We’re working on writing a book, and I think of another one. I want to write a book about the way you see me and how it has made me see myself.

 

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PicoBong is 20% Off! Ooooh.

If you weren’t totally enticed by my last toy post (I get it, change is scary) here’s something a little more traditional.

PicoBong toys are 20% off on SheBop until May 31. The toys available through SheBop right now are all minimalistic in style, made with a smooth silicone. They run on AAA batteries.

If you’re looking to up your toy game, here’s a footstool.

On another note, PicoBong has the weirdest name and weirdest marketing I’ve ever seen. At first glance it looks like they might actually be selling pool toys. Whatever floats your boat – har har.

Check it out and let me know what you think. Are you a silicone convert? What about wood, metal or glass? Ditch the hard plastic or jelly, you’ve got options!

 

She Bop: a female friendly sex toy boutique for every body

Want help picking out a toy? Submit your quandary to Ask Suggestive and I’ll share my thoughts on the blog.

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Weekly Update: In one week I turn 28.5.

I got a new job. An 8-5 job. Baby’s first 8-5. Baby’s first full day. Baby’s first office. I buy a pair of booties and I write while I wear them. I write in just my booties. My brown suede booties. I tell myself I am professional. I’ll buy a button up. I’ll keep my phone in my bag until it’s time to catch the bus and when someone asks me what time it is I’ll look at my watch. Quarter to five. Quarter to six.  Press pause on me, hopping on transit, one leg on and one leg off, measure with string my angles, my legs, my leap. I am a girl in motion.

I’ve been accused of romanticizing things. I accuse myself. Je m’accuse. I am a professional. People ask me what I do and I say I’m “in” something. I’m in sales. I’m in marketing. I’m business. It’s like you’re fucking the shit out of your career. Boom. Boom. Boom.

I got a manicure the other day and I had never felt more in tune with the way my fingers articulated. The clickity clack or the way the pages turned or how my ring slid delicately up and down the shaft, knuckle to knuckle. I’ve been accused of sexualizing things (par tous) and this I admit. That’s what she said. Now my polish is chipped and my fingers chapped and everything smells of day old salmon. These are the beautiful things. Not the way you feel when you leave the salon but the way you  look at yourself after a hard week.

Saturday our cat turns one. She has changed my life. She is always there. My little constant. She doesn’t ask for much and she spoons with me like I’m cutlery. Maman de chat, papa de chat. Une famille.

Next month we go to Canada to see one of my very best friends get married. I’m trying to find a bridesmaid dress. I think that I might very well cry.

I am 28 and everything is happening all at once like a rainbow that comes out before it’s even stopped raining. Look at me, look at me, I contain multitudes.

 

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How to Read The News as a Modern Woman

  1. Subscribe to The Skimm!
  2. Light your inbox on fire. What are you doing. I googled “summarized news for women” and The Skimm is the first thing that came up. The tagline is “making it easier for you to be smarter” which is basically the equivalent of using a pink pen for her. Why can’t women actually read the fucking news?
  3. And furthermore, I know that you saw The Skimm come into your inbox this morning and you looked at it like “Oh, the news” and maybe you clicked on it but more likely you just archived it like you have for the past five months because it clogs up your inbox and reminds you of how little effort you’ve actually put into caring about the dumpster fire that is America.
  4. You have to start caring about this dumpster fire. This dumpster is yours. You know in some recipes where it says “add one tablespoon of cold water” ??? no one is telling you that you need to hold the firehose. Just do the political equivalent of adding one tablespoon of cold water to this hot mess.
  5. I mean, I don’t have anything against The Skimm personally aside from it dumbing down the news with the explicit purpose of making it easier for the “modern woman” to read. I get it. You’re busy and it makes it easy to stay informed when you have a million other things going on.
  6. But delete it anyways, and read the actual news.
  7. You’re going to need this. Here. It’s a kit to help. A box of tissues. Ibuprofen to help with the swelling. A dash button that when pressed will signal to amazon that you would please like to buy a copy of Ivanka Trumps “Women Who Work” book. You click it several times. You need kindling. Our Republican overlords are making you feel the deep bone chill, that same chill you haven’t felt since you saw 1984 in theatres for the first time with your grandfather. He’d seen the war. If he were alive now, he wouldn’t read The Skimm.
  8. Subscribe to an actual paper, or two, or three. Pick a mantra. Something like “mainstream media” or “fake news” or “alternative facts” – a mantra that reminds you that politicians have pretty successfully and fairly quickly convinced a large population of people that being raped is a preexisting condition.
  9. Your blood pressure is spiking. You start to think “oh god, I miss The Skimm.” Fill a glass with water. Tell yourself it’s empathy. This is also called a placebo. Drink it fast before you can talk yourself out of it. A lot of people voted for these miserable sacks of shit. A lot of people. And what’s more likely? That they’re all miserable sacks of shit too? Or that something is amiss. Something is so very amiss. Something has gone wrong. And they yearned so deeply for something that they believed that this fucking guy could give it to them. That’s a special, deep kind of yearning. The “I sold my soul because it was literally the only thing I had left to bargain with” kind of yearning. And in this case, empathy is important. Because they royally fucked over a lot of people. They thought that it was the right thing to do.
  10. Give yourself a break. Not the “I’m going to subscribe to an easy-reader news-newsletter because the news really stresses me out” break. But while you’re pouring over this hot mess, I dunno, get yourself a latte. Or a nap or something.  It’s a lot of work being a modern woman.
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Review: Is the Satisfyer Satisfying?

What do you get the blogger who has everything?

When the Satisfyer team emailed me asking if I wanted to do a review of their toy, I’d already been retired from the reviewing game for several years.

There’s a certain point you reach as a blogger where you realize that you have more swag than you actually want or need.

So, I stopped reviewing, and I stopped getting emails, and my interest in toys completely dwindled. I leave it up to the hardened toy reviewers, the ones who always have a box waiting at their door.

Being out of the game for so long means that everything has changed. The top brands, the toy toys, the top functions. I’d never tried a toy marketed for clitoral suction before. I’d never tried an “oral sex toy” or a “sucking toy” before. Back when I was reviewing, such things didn’t really exist with any great popularity.

So here I am.

What does a toy like the Satisfyer do?

Satisfyer sent me the Satisfyer Pro 2, the Satisfyer Pro Penguin, and the Satisfyer 2. Satisfyer markets itself as a toy that will suck on your clitoris with vacuum technology to bring you to an orgasm in minutes.

Does the Satisfyer do what it says it does?

After fooling around with the whole line, I would say that the best way to describe the Satisfyer is a suction cup vibrator.

The soft molding on the head is meant to be pressed around your clitoris (or nipples, or neck, or wherever) to create gentle suction. It then pulsates gently (or less gently, depending on your choice of speed) until you tell it to stop. I found that the lightest setting was just barely noticeable and could be excellent for those who like edging (getting near climax and then backing off to increase the power of an orgasm.)

The higher settings feel more similar to your typical vibrator, and at times it can be difficult to really tell the difference. This toy is most unique at the lower settings. I did find that if you are usually sensitive to direct clitoral stimulation, this toy may be less of a problem. Applying direct pressure can often be uncomfortable if not downright painful, but the soft tip of these toys wrap around the actual head of the clitoris.

The toy is reliable, and if you are unaccustomed to clitoral-based vibrators or vibrators in general, I think this would be a good place to start. It may even be a good I’ve-never-had-an-orgasm-before toy with it’s subtle yet predictable stimulation.

How much does it cost?

The Satisfyer Pro 2 is $48.00 on Amazon, the Pro Penguin is $42.00 and the Satisfyer 2 is $28.00. These price points make any toy in this line fairly affordable for a mid-range toy budget.

Basic Specs

  • Waterproof
  • Easy to Clean
  • Rechargeable (Satisfyer 2 is battery operated)
  • Silicone

Pros

  • Satisfyer Pro 2 and Pro Penguin are both rechargeable with super neat USB magnetic charging cords that click on.
  • All three toys held very easily, but the Pro Penguin may be the best option for someone with small hands who finds larger toys to be a hassle.
  • The removeable heads of this non-penetrative toy are easy to clean and make cleaning your toy immediately after use a no-brainer.

Cons

  • Not particularly quiet.
  • Not a ton of information available on their website (where to buy)
  • Not tested for longevity

Given the cost of the toy and the general look and feel, it’s not a bad buy, and I’ll definitely be hanging on to mine. I would recommend selling out the couple extra bucks for the Satisfyer Pro 2 – it will set you up with the best of the line. The sleek design and more substantially cushioned tip at the end both appealed to me the most right out of the box, and I think it’s the star of the set.

These toys were provided at no cost by Satisfyer for review. Opinions are my own. 

Looking for a new toy for yourself, or you + your partner? Let’s chat about what’s best for you and your needs! Head over to  SheBop to browse Portland’s very own female friendly adult store.

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I’VE BEEN IN THERAPY FOR ONE YEAR AND I’M HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

Going to therapy every week can be alarming. I’m still talking about this? It’s been a week! Going once every other week can be even worse. But… but it’s been two weeks! I haven’t solved this yet?

Imagine my surprise when I told my therapist how sick I was of complaining about the same shit every month when she told me i’ve been seeing her for a year.

year.

I’ve had relationships with people I was sexually and/or romantically attracted to that ended quicker than that.

Well, anyways, apparently I’ve made some progress. She said that when I started seeing her I said “I don’t really see myself as a career person” and now I have a well articulated five point plan for being incredibly successful. That’s what I like about my therapist. She’s like the best friend / computer algorithm you always wish you had. “You’re not ugly! Look at this photo I’ve saved from my database from last week! It has seventy likes!” 

She has good recall is what I’m saying. And in this particular moment I saw that I had made progress.

I realized that I judge progress in giant milestone chunks like “graduate college” “get job” “move in together” “get married” “have kids” “buy house”

Life, however, has tiny little flags along the way that ought to be celebrated. They also signify change and growth.

  1. Stopped feeling obligated to reply to business emails after hours
  2. Started giving fewer shits about peoples opinions of me when I don’t even like those people
  3. Realized it’s okay to not like people
  4. Decided that one day I wanted to get married
  5. Came to peace with the fact that I don’t always fold my clothes before putting them in my dresser.

You know, things like that. The baby steps. And I think the problem is that I think I’m a little holier than thou. Oh yes, I graduated from college. Puff puff. It was quite the endeavor. Pinky raise. Harrowing really.

Flash to me, EIGHT YEARS OF FEAR, CRYING, ANGUISH.

Everything that happened along the way, those were little milestones, little successes. They were progress. I just didn’t mark it as such until I literally had my diploma in my hand.

So, looking forward, this is how I judge my progress. Not based on how much money I have or what kind of job I have or what my relationships look like, but if I’m moving forward. At all. Even a little bit. If I’m growing better and stronger. If I’m making less of the same mistakes. If I’m making better, newer mistakes.

Do you have a question about sex, love, life? Submit now and I’ll answer it on my blog!

 

 

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