Writing Prompts for You (and you! and you!)

I don’t write much about my poetry class but I have found it to be a quiet solace in my busy term of feminist studies. What I’ve enjoyed most are the creativity of the prompts given in class. Every prompt has inspired such interesting writing, and I wanted to share them. Here are a couple from my class syllabus. They could definitely inspire some funky sex blogging. I, for one, am writing an elegy to all the vibrators I thought were waterproof, but weren’t. May you be forever faithful in your new life as dildos.

  1. Write sentences that start with “I remember” and go for as long as you can without stopping.
  2. Write about, to, or in the imagined voice of a stranger.
  3. Begin by writing five brief expressions of the most adamant anger you can. Then write five brief expressions of the most ardent love. And five more brief expressions, this time of the most fervent hope. Make a poem out of some or all of these.
  4. Write the longest sentence—on any subject—that you can, while keeping it as close to grammatically correct as possible. This sentence should be at least half a page.
  5. Take something you have already written and re-write it in someone else’s voice. Like your mother, or the president.
  6. Write an ars poetica—a poem about poetry or the process of writing it.
  7. Write a poem consisting partly, mostly, or even entirely, of overheard conversation.
  8. Write an elegy. This can be for a person, an idea, an object, anything—so long as its loss is one you have felt deeply.

Today is my birthday. I’m in my late 20s now.

A few months ago I legitimately forgot how old I was. Given that I’m particularly bad at math, counting from my birth date wasn’t going to be a helpful maneuver. I thought that I was 26, but I was only 25. Today I turn 26. Today I begin my late 20s.

I always thought that at this age I’d have some sort of bronze award for my achievements as an adult. Like once I hit a certain age some sort of official panel of adults would conduct their reviews and present me with my winnings. Good job, Lorelei. You did it. I consider this a negative side effect of being in college since 2007. I’m always grading myself on a sliding scale.

A lot has happened in the last year. I am terrified and excited about what is going to happen in the next four. Maybe I’ll write a book and go on tour. Maybe I’ll get a well paying job right here and write really bad books that don’t sell. Maybe I’ll get a pet chicken and eat fresh eggs and get a spot on Portlandia. Perhaps I will have two and a half children and a dog. I’ll get a waffle maker that makes waffles in the shape of penises and remember when Saturday morning cartoons are on. Maybe I’ll become a young divorcée. Maybe I’ll go off to some foreign country and decide I like it there and I’ll rent a llama and have a love affair with a really good crepe.

Jesus christ, you just never really know.

I don’t believe in God but I do believe in the natural order of reality fucking your shit up just when you think you’ve got everything under control. A much preferred method as of late is to do all I can, just the best way I can do it, and surf my way on the great shit storm of good and bad and up and down until I reach whats next.

Here’s to another four years of trying to pretend better than everyone else, and realizing that it’s all going to be OK.


Right, as it is my birthday, and I’m in college, I readily accept coffee as a gift. If you would like to donate some coffee to me you can “buy me a cup” through Starbucks.

Email (suggestivetongue@gmail.com) or Twitter (@suggestive).

If you’d like to do something that doesn’t involve money, consider:

1. Submitting a question to my blog if you feel you need advice regarding sex or love.

2. Point someone to my blog if you think they could use some advice.

3. Tell a handful of people in your life how you feel about them. The most disgusting thing about people is that they need to be appreciated ALL THE TIME! Just kidding, I love you.

4. Spontaneous dance in your kitchen. I’ll wait.

5. Donating your time (or money, again) to a charity. These days just about every charity sucks (or at least thats what they tell me) so I guess use your best discretion. Giving pet food to animal shelters is pretty cool.

Your sexual engine & jump starting intimacy

After being ill for more than a month, and having barely any energy to brush my teeth, let alone have intimacy with my partner, I am feeling better. However, there is now an awkwardness when trying to initiate. How can I jump-start our sexual relationship and reconnect with him and the (rather fantastic) sexual relationship we once shared?

This is completely normal. It can take a minute to find your jive again after hitting a slow patch. There are a few different ways you could do this depending on your personality and style as partners.

1. The slow warmup

Start including more forms of intimacy in your day to day interactions. Regard these intimacies as little indicators that you’re feeling back to yourself and are ready to pick up where you left off. Wear a sexy piece of lingerie. Get dressed slowly in front of your partner in the morning – or get undressed slowly at night. Wrap your arms around your partner and hold them a little longer than usual while you kiss them. Crawl into bed naked and tell them that you’re happy to be feeling back to yourself.

2. The tease up

Let your partner know you’re ready to go roll with more blatantly obvious signs. Text them mid-day and let them know what you want to do to them. Crawl into bed and tell them what you’re going to do to them. Come on to them with kisses and touches at the end of the day. Wear an outfit that makes you feel sexy and talk about how you’re so excited to _____ with them now that you’ve made it through together.

3. The dive right in

Sometimes the best thing to do is just dive right back in. Let the awkwardness be present like a third party and then squish that awkwardness between your naked bodies. You might fumble a bit getting going, but if you dive right in, you’ll quickly find the motion again. The hard part here is making sure that you don’t let that awkwardness be a stop sign. The awkwardness might tell you “this feels weird, I guess we should stop.” Instead, turn that awkwardness into an occasion to laugh at yourselves and enjoy one another.

Remember (!!!)

Putting pressure on getting back right to where you were all at once can have the reverse effect. It can make it harder to stay aroused! It can make it harder to get aroused! It can take you out of the moment and put the focus on having crazy intense super sexy sex instead of just having an intimate moment together. So even if you do go more of an “option three” and dive right in, expect things to wiggle around a bit as you find yourselves again. It may take a very short while, it may take a little longer, but if you’re both in the spirit of connecting and enjoying each other, I’m certain you’ll find that place together again.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit by clicking ask advice at the top of the page, or for email subscribers, this handy link: suggestivetongue.com/ask You can also follow along via twitter at @suggestive for short-response advice and general tomfoolery.

Does it get better than this?

For the first time since I’ve started my Women’s Studies degree, I’m doing something that I would consider to be borderline radical feminism to some. In my next paper I’m going to take a project/organization that appears to do good and take it down. I am going to reframe it, and discuss how it might actually be harming the gay rights movement under the guise of equality.

I have mixed feelings about doing something like this.

I have always believed that doing some good is better than doing no good at all. My classes this term contest that idea. We are told that there are only organizations that are “less bad” than others. These organizations want to do good for the LGBTQ population, but they are doing good through frameworks that are already broken. Simply: working within a broken framework will provide you with results that are also somehow broken.

An easy example of this is gay marriage. Fighting for marriage equality has been framed at the forefront of equality, but should we be fighting for this idea of relationships that might not be super great already?

In writing this paper I’m going to have to shift some of my core beliefs, at least for the time being, in order to see things differently enough to write through this voice. To question something good, to break it apart, is something that has long frustrated me. It’s something that I have considered to be radical.

My initial reaction is “why can’t we just let the people who are doing good, do good?” 

The information I have picked up in this term responds to that question by saying that good organizations work with and within bad organizations and bad ideals to create only slightly better solutions. In doing so, only some people receive equality. And, in turn, we often give up a lot more than we receive.

I decided that the project I’m going to focus on is the It Gets Better Project. I know a lot of my friends dislike Dan Savage, but I’ve always kind of adored his personality and his writing and everything he’s put out there. He’s made some mistakes, but I don’t think that the It Gets Better Project is one of them. Still, I want to question how this project reinforces the idea that “getting better” focuses on putting visibility around people who have “gotten better” rather than the actual process of making the world a better place to live in.

There is a highlight to notable LGBTQ figures who have gotten better which ignores the privilege that these people have had which have helped them have the safety required in order to come out. I believe that we are saying it gets better for some people without acknowledging what it actually takes to get there, and how it might be easier for some than others.

I want to look more critically at this project to highlight both how it is useful and good and how it might be reinforcing a certain type of betterness that not all LGBTQ youth might want, or even be able to have if they did want it.

Learning How To Have Simultaneous Orgasms

The most recent poll on my blog was sort of a steering question to see where everyone was when it came to simultaneous orgasms.

Of the results, 55% said it was pretty infrequent or only every now and then, and 18% had never simultaneously orgasmed. This is compared to the 12% that said they always or frequently orgasm at the same time. Granted, only 33 people chose to vote in the time window I had left open, so its by no means a super representative poll.

Simultaneous orgasms are when you and your partner orgasm at the same time. This sort of orgasm is often romanticized in pornography or romantic comedies as being the epitome of sexual intercourse.

finish

In reality-land, it can be quite difficult to orgasm at the same time. You can kind of see this in the poll results. It’s just not something that happens all the time. Those who struggle with orgasms may be focused more on orgasming at all or simply finding pleasure in sex. Some people simply don’t care when or how their partner orgasms as long as everyone is enjoying themselves. In point, there’s no right or wrong way to do it as long as it works.

Orgasming together, while not always possible, can be a fun thing to explore with your partner. It can add heightened intensity to your orgasm when you are sharing it with your partner.

Tips for simultaneous orgasms:

1. Work on becoming similarly aroused. Your state of arousal is tied to how likely you are to orgasm. If one partner is much more aroused than the other partner, it will likely be easier for them to reach their orgasm. Figure out what you and your partner are most aroused by (that thing that makes you go crazy!) and make sure you’re both including those things in foreplay. For some people its touches. For others its a mood – like feeling dominated. For others dirty talk does the trick. What gets you going?

2. Know how to recognize where you’re at in your own arousal and learn how to judge where your partner is at. This balance can be the trickiest part to simultaneous orgasms. If you notice your partner is really in the moment and making sounds or movements that are typical of being close to an orgasm, this would be a good time for you to take into consideration where you’re at. If you’re not at the same level of arousal as they are and you’re ready to have an orgasm, do something to push yourself closer. That could mean stimulating yourself, thinking of a particularly sexy fantasy, or rubbing against your partner with more excitement, to give a few examples.

3. If you notice your partner is closer than you are (or if you are closer than your partner) you can take steps to slow down the process. I do not like to advocate killing the mood as a form of cool down. I would not recommend the use an of the following to prolong your orgasm: numbing lubricants, mental images of your grandmother, or a recall to the chores you have to do later that day. Stay in the sexy but nudge off a bit. If you feel like the stimulation is going to bump one of you over the edge too soon, stop what you’re doing, and play with your partner in a different way. This diversion can hold off the orgasm and allow you to get back on a level playing field.

4. Communicate verbally what isn’t read through body language. You might be able to tell how close your partner is, but having them tell you makes a big difference. If they say “I’m going to come if you keep doing that” you’re giving them an active choice to continue or stop to catch up. Sometimes body language isn’t read correctly. Sometimes we get lost in the moment and go with what we feel instead of trying to achieve that moment together. If you’re looking to have that moment together it’s important to know how to check in.

5. Consider the stop and go of reaching a simultaneous orgasm a fun way to extend your play with one another. You can work towards nudging your partner up (and vice versa) until you’re both ready to explode. What is so great about this is that it puts the role of the orgasm heavily on both of your plates, as it should be. It becomes your partners role to take care of you, just as much as it becomes your role to focus on yourself and your pleasure. Working as a team is really the only way to have a team orgasm.

Coming out of the closet: Penis Pumps

hi suggestive! Long time reader, first time writer. I’ve recently come into a bit of a situation and would love your advice. I was cleaning my boyfriends room the other day, putting away laundry and such, and I came across something I think I wasn’t supposed to. It was a penis enlarging pump. Obviously had been used and was hidden away from view. He has never brought up the fact that he was interested in using one (we are very open about toy use and trying experiences, even if it’s silly or a one time “I’m just curious” thing) or mentioned to me anything about it. So I guess my question is this: How do you approach your boyfriend of many years after finding a penis enlarging kit in their room? I have no complaints on his size and in fact I have never been more satisfied with a partner and I’m concerned that he doesn’t know that. But I also don’t want to make him uncomfortable for having it. And I guess I dont want to just come out and say “Hey! Look what I found. Let’s talk about what this means!”

2

First a little brief introduction to the penis pump for those uninitiated. Penis pumps (or “vacuum erection systems”) are devices for men to insert their penis into with the hopes of gaining and sustaining erections. The penis is inserted inside and the air is pumped out creating a vacuum. This draws the blood into the penis to create the erection. A band may or may not be kept in place at the base of the penis to hold the blood in place. Some men use cock rings during sex without the use of a penis pump to create harder or longer lasting erections. While a penis pump may or may not be a solution for men who struggle in obtaining erections, there has been some debate as to the millions of dollars that Medicare has spent on helping men obtain them as health resources. They can also be found at adult stores, with models for women, too!

Now onwards to your question: 

It could be that he didn’t bring up the pump because he viewed it as a medical device, or a device to ease insecurities he was having. It may not even be a device that he uses anymore. Perhaps he only used it once and tossed it aside.

In truth, I imagine this is the fate of many penis pumps.

Maybe he was curious how it worked. Maybe it was kinky for him. Maybe he is embarrassed by it. Maybe he hasn’t thought twice about it since that fateful day he awkwardly put his half-chub into the portal to absolutely nowhere.

Whatever the reason is for it being there, you’ve found it, and I don’t think you should be afraid to ask him about it. You say you’ve been dating for many years and it sounds like you have had conversations about toys before that have gone smoothly, so I would phrase it in a way that is comfortable to your relationship.

As you enter into this conversation, allow room to judge his reaction to your finding it. For instance, if he felt that he’d hidden it and you found it he may feel defensive, as though his personal space had been invaded. He might also feel defensive about the reasons he bought it. Equally, he might be totally indifferent about it, and not really have anything to say. He might not want to talk about it at all.

If your goal of having this conversation is transparency (which I get!) just go into the conversation with that curiosity and allow him to answer in whatever way he feels comfortable answering. Leave it there. This gives him the opportunity to talk to you about it later in more depth, if he so desires.

Have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

Oh joy, sex toy!

A little public service announcement for lovers of all things books and sex! Erika Moen’s book Oh Joy Sex Toy Volume One is out now! If you’re unfamiliar, she writes weekly comics on a site by the same name. These comics are wonderful. Not just in message, but in pure skill. The book contains comics by other cartoonists as well.

Pick up your copy for $30.00 at Shebop.com!

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Teaser: This would make a great gift for a friend of yours. Stay tuned for a gift guide later this month to help ease your shopping woes.

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