What changes the color of semen?

Why is some guys cum clear and some white? Whats the difference?art-wall-brush-painting

Great question. Let’s go the obvious route. Semen comes out of the body, so whatever is unique about that body is going to have an influence on what the semen looks or tastes like.

Things like how old you are, how often you ejaculate, or what you eat can all have an influence on your semen. Just like female discharge, there is a scale of what is normal. A clear fluid or a white fluid, or even a slightly yellow-tinted fluid are all normal. Semen that is more prominently yellow, green, pink, red, or any other color of the rainbow means head to the doctor. Same thing with a very foul odor, or some kind of pain associated with ejaculation.

If you are ejaculating frequently it takes your body time to, lets say, replenish the semen. You eat things rich in vitamins and proteins and thats processed by the body and then comes out of the body through a variety of orifices. There is not a steady stream of thick white fluid filled with every sperm that will ever be somewhere deep within your body just waiting to be ejaculated. It’s a whole process, and so the ‘end result’ is not a unique packaged product.

By that logic, the fluid that is released when you are younger, when you are older, when you have an interesting diet, or when you’ve ejaculated seven or eight times already that day is going to look significantly different than the next guys fluid.

Semen can also vary in how much is produced, how far it shoots, how quickly he can ejaculate again, what it tastes like, and the consistency. These things may be a combination of who he is, and other various environmental factors.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

Schools Out: Books About Sexuality

Schools out. For the Summer. But you, intelligent human, want to further edify yourself with some saucy literature. Here are some books that will be sure to make you the hit of any happy hour chat.

Best Sex Writing of the Year $17.00

Featuring favorites Epiphora and Lux Alptraum

Oh Joy, Sex Toy Vol 1. $30.00

Necessary for those who like to exercise smile muscles.

Femalia $14.50

Your lady parts are normal, check it out!

Sex from Scratch $15.00

A book I wish I would have written! Redefining your own relationship rules for better relationship satisfaction.

Gender Outlaw $16.00

Kate Bornstein is a hero.

Slow Sex $15.00

This book is awesome. In a world of harder-faster-stronger it adjusts the conversation back to the little things.

Yes means yes! $17.00

Still relevant today, still relevant tomorrow. Always relevant. Get yourself well acquainted with female sexual power and a world without rape.

One on One Advising

I’ve opened up my email once again for one on one advising. I’ll be adding this information to my ask and contact pages. This is to allow you to email me privately for advice that you feel might require more back-and-forth dialogue. It’s also to allow people to ask questions they might not want to appear on the blog (ex: they know their partner reads my blog too.)

Ideally 90% of the questions submitted will still go through my main advice page so others may benefit by seeing it on the blog. I see the need for the one on one route though, so I’m happy to oblige!

To submit questions that will not be published to my blog please add ask@suggestivetongue.com to your contacts list. The same rules apply (all questions asked respectfully will be answered, no such thing as a stupid question, etcetera.)

At this point there’s about a 2-4 day delay in responses.

Question: My husband isn’t emotional enough!

I have been married for 10 years. We have a son together and are mostly happy. My husband has a hard time communicating his love for me and I’ve tried over the years to be okay with that. The more I think about it though the more I feel like I’m not getting what I need from him emotionally. Shouldn’t we have a say in how we are loved? Do I have to accept his meager emotional offerings if that’s the best he can do?

You absolutely should not accept meager emotional offerings. You mention you are mostly happy. It sounds like you want to stay in your relationship, it’s just not the way you want it to be right now. That’s a good place to be even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment. It means you can work towards something better with your husband.

I feel like the love languages can offer some insight here. If you’re not familiar, the idea is that there are five love languages. These are the ways in which we both express and experience love.

The love languages are:

  1. Gifts
  2. Quality Time
  3. Words of Affirmation
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

In this case you may desire more words of affirmation. You want your partner to tell you how he feels. It’s important to know what love language you speak and what love language your partner speaks so you can communicate clearly with one another. For instance: if your partner tries to express his love to you in the gift of quality time you may not read that as love. He may feel he is showing you constantly how much he loves you simply by being near you, but that may not be what you need to feel loved.

Have you told him about this? It sounds like you may have already had a conversation about it and you haven’t seen any improvement. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he isn’t trying. It is important to have these conversations from a place of togetherness. This isn’t something he needs to change or you need to change. It’s something you need to change together. Framing becomes very important.

For instance:

“It makes me feel most loved when you communicate your love to me verbally. I feel like I need this kind of verbal affirmation of your feelings to feel satisfied in our relationship. I know that you love me and you do so many things that show me that you love me. It would make a big difference to me if you told me daily that you loved me. If you took notice of the work I do in our relationship and told me that you appreciated it.”

Rather than:

“I feel like you don’t love me. You never tell me how you feel. I feel like we aren’t connecting and I don’t know what to do about it. I keep bringing this up but nothing ever changes.”

In a magic and perfect world you don’t need to tell your partner what you need. They just know, innately, that you desire to be appreciated verbally. That you like to be brought small gifts of affection. Or that time spent together is the thing you cherish most of all. In reality, it’s important to communicate those needs. It’s also important to listen very carefully so you can recognize when your partner is communicating something to you. Once all that is out there, it’s important to recognize it as a process. Take notice of the moments your partner does the things you need, not only the ones your partner doesn’t.

Another theory of love I really like is the triangular theory of love. The triangular theory of love has three components. Intimacy, passion, and commitment. The idea with this theory is that your relationship may sway between having one, two, or all three of these factors at any given time. Sometimes you only have passion and commitment (fatuous love) or sometimes you only have commitment (empty love) but it doesn’t mean you can’t make it back to a full consummate love with passion, intimacy, and commitment. This is what most couples strive for!

It could be at this point in your marriage, something has changed that has made your relationship more difficult. Maybe you are lacking in intimacy for some reason. You need time together and active direction to move back towards where you want to be as a couple.

Take small steps to get there. Don’t expect perfect change overnight. What is one small thing your partner could do for you that would show you that he cares? One, small, do-able act. Try this together one night.

Relationship Homework

Sit down together, each of you with a piece of paper. Write down three things your partner could do for you that would make you feel happy, loved, appreciated. Think of this as something your partner can begin to do regularly.

Examples:

  • Kiss me when you get home
  • Make me tea in the morning
  • Pack little Billy’s lunch
  • Remember to put your clothes in the bin
  • Take me out on a date
  • Write me love notes
  • Look me in the eyes when we talk
  • Cook dinner with me

Whatever the little things are that would make you feel good and help you feel appreciated. Pick three. Your partner will do the same. Then you will exchange lists and circle just one of the things that you can promise you will commit yourself to for the next week. Do it longer, if you can, because for it to really become a habit you’ll want to put it into practice.

Come back again at the end of the week or the end of the month and think about how that little thing changes your outlook on your relationship. If your partner is happier, does it make you happier too? Is this something you can continue to do?

I think it is understandable to feel this way after ten years. I imagine that in relationships that go onwards for decades this feeling may come and go from time to time. What is important is being able to remember that you deserve to feel loved, and working with your partner to always make it back to that happy place together.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog.

Q: How do I breakup with my boyfriend if he still loves me?

Longtime reader. I see a lot of blogs on relationships, how to heal them, and how to heal yourself once you’re out of them, but I’d love to hear about the breakup itself. You’ve tried everything, you’re still not happy, the other person’s still attached to you and the relationship. How do you approach it? What attitude do you express? What is there to avoid? Love your thoughts, love your writing. Thanks x

I’ve come to believe that advice is really just something you wish you would have done yourself. In truth, ending a relationship is like trying to really beautifully stab someone in the chest with a bread knife. You can approach it from the back I guess, or the front, you can smile while you’re doing it. It’s probably good to know how you’d like to do it. But it’s going to fucking suck no matter what.

I like this idea thats been swimming amongst the relationship advice folk. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. 

  • Some are short term flings!
  • Some are casual sex, the romance doesn’t stick (or you didn’t want it at all!)
  • Some are summer romances, relationships best suited for a season.
  • Some go the distance, a year or two, but then you realize you’re just not compatible in a specific way.
  • Sometimes you change, and the other person changes, and you can’t change together.
  • Sometimes you look at your relationship and you’re not sure why you’re still there!

There is the desire to really make sure you don’t want to be there anymore. There might even be the question “Am I crazy? Why would I give something this good up?” But something isn’t good if it doesn’t make you happy. Even if it’s beautiful, smart, funny. A soul mate isn’t a soul mate if you don’t want to be with them as much as they, seemingly, want to be with you.

At other times you may find that two people are going about their business being a couple when neither of them are really happy. They may not even be aware that they are unhappy. The relationship has become a part of who they are, a functioning piece of themselves, and not something they are actively and happily participating in. True, they may even be happier with this stagnant relationship than seeking the unknown of active happiness in the dating world.

Some people acknowledge that they are unhappy and instead of being the ones to leave the relationship (because their partner still seems happy) they go out of their way to actively make their partner unhappy so it will be easier for them to want to end the relationship too. Awe, the sweethearts.

So be honest. Why do you want to end the relationship? At times, this might not come easily. You might not have an exact answer. So be as honest as you can be as soon as you can be. I would say that the easiest thing to do is to create distance. That means no social media. No phone or texting. No seeing each other. Care for them actively by not making it harder.

Remember that it is not your job to heal the wound that you have created.

There is a subset of magical couples out there who seem to breakup together, acknowledge their relationship wasn’t working, and continue to be perfectly functional friends. I do not know the magical code for this and I think it is entirely dependent on the people involved and what kind of relationship they had. Don’t press for it and don’t expect it. Respect how they will or won’t want to be involved in your life afterwards, as you’d hope they would respect you.

Other general tips for during and post-breakup:

1. Only speak positively about your ex-partners. Keep the dirt in the dustpan. Respect the part of your life you shared together as much as possible, even if now you feel anger or sadness.

2. Acknowledge the frustration of memories and recall. You’ll likely miss your partner, even if you were the one to leave them. You have to learn to live without them. You have to make new routines, find new friends to rely on, and discover new parts of who you are.

3. In the midst of the breakup don’t say “well, you’ve really convinced me, lets stay together.” If you’re convinced you want to leave someone, leave that person. If you spend a couple weeks apart (I would go as far as a month or two) and you still find yourself having epiphanies like “I still love this person and I realize exactly where we went wrong, I need to at least see if they feel the same way” that’s different. We try to make breakups easier but love is complicated sometimes.

4. If you think about your partner and go “what was I thinking?” use that energy to move forward in your own life. What did you learn from your last relationship? How can you use that to find a better one?

5. Similarly, note how the breakup went. If you did or said something that you think made it worse or better, thats good information to have if you have to leave someone again. In many ways breaking up is a skill that we don’t get much practice at. Some people have more practice at it and (at least from what I can tell) seem to very well articulate why the relationship is coming to an end.

Do you have a question about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. 

Patriarchal Pie, Sex Toys, and The Unbearable Rightness of Being

Because my thesis is due in three weeks, I’ve been spending a lot of my time thinking about absolutely everything else I could have written about and how much better it would have been. For instance: long distance relationships. The other day my phone rang and I didn’t know what it was doing. Usually it makes a short, second long ding sound that alerts me to the fact that I have some kind of incoming message. This sound was longer. Similar to the sound my alarm makes, or when I set a timer for cookies. I realized I didn’t know what my ringtone was.

What would happen if I was in a long distance relationship and my partner tried to call me? On that note, would they try to call me? Would we use the phone, or would we facetime? Would my computer ring? Would I answer my computer?

I remember dialing phones. A very sensual, physical process. You insert your digit into the plastic hole and spin it several times over and over again. These days I just type in “boyfriend” and a series of emoticons into my computer machine until the desired result pops out (usually hugs, or self-affirming emoticons of ducks.)

Speaking of boyfriends, I did a quick calculation, and exactly 100% of the people I’ve dated have been white. This is perhaps influenced by living in a city that does its best to re-assert diversity by making sure everyone has a place to live… but still making sure its “”””safe””””” to live there. We’re in the heat of gentrification.

Some of my friends were talking about their ex-partners.They shared photos detailing an extensive portfolio of ladies and gents. And then I come in, with a pack of Dixon Ticonderogas.

But what do I know about race, or LDRs? What could be really thought-provoking is a piece called The Unbearable Rightness of Being. It would be a fifty page paper written from the perspective of a woman who wakes up one morning, goes to work, says something particularly poignant, and is then asked by a male co-worker “are you sure that’s what you meant to say?”

The rest of the paper being some sort of filibuster. I haven’t figured that part out yet. But basically she just goes on and on and on and everyone just gives up when they realize that this woman has said something really poignant in one sentence that could take up 40 pages worth of dialogue. Ultimately, their minds melt out their ears, down the carpet, into the very fibers of the workspace. She walks out – heels sticking briefly in the goo – and goes to read some Milan Kundera by the fountain. Cut scene.

On a more serious note, thinking about writing a paper this long as really put my blog into perspective. I see a lot of one sentence posts in my future. A writing detox of sorts.

I do what I want.

No word limit.

Recipe for Patriarchal Pie.

How to turn your diploma into a cat toy.

Carving your old jelly dildos into doll furniture.

I give up.

The color my ceiling turned after staring at it for four hours.

Why did I buy so much cheese: A memoir.

Q: How can I have better sex at 65?

You requested ideas: Well, perhaps outside the parameters of your usual discussions and probably way outside the expectations of your readers, I don’t believe you have written about issues of older, 65+ population. i.e, loss of interest/ desire, desire but difficulty due to reduced stamina, the aches and pains of growing older, arthritis, muscle pains , real or perceived medical issues.etc. loss of intimacy. Well, there’s a whole new thesis for you

Well, I’ll tell you part of the reason why that is. I try to write about things I know about, and on the list of things I don’t know much about are the struggles that come with being over 65! In truth, none of my course work has covered this, either. Though many of my classes touched on other intersections like gender, race, and class, there was minimal to no attention given to age.

Not beyond “this is the history of sex” anyways.

Which is a bummer, because the questions you ask are super important ones. There is still an inherent ageism in sexuality. We assume that once you reach a certain mysterious age a button clicks off and you don’t think about sex anymore, don’t have sex anymore, become a sexless being. Which of course isn’t true, and just about as dangerous as assuming all sex is heterosexual or no one has sex until they’re 18. It gives room for people to make risky decisions, it gives room for people to hurt themselves, and it doesn’t offer up a support system.

Find a support system. Even if you’re 50, or 60, or 70. Your concerns about how your body is changing as you get older should be voiced. With your doctor, sure, but maybe also with your friends, or other people your age. “Hey, is this normal, does this happen to you too? What do you do about this?”

Given that I wasn’t born until 1988 I’m sure this is a generational issue. People my age might be talking about it, but I’m not sure about people who were born in the 30s, the 40s. You tell me.

I do know that some people are talking about it. There are great writers out there writing about ‘ageless sexuality’ as one author, Joan Price, puts it. Her books sound right up your alley.

Other books about sexuality may touch on the basics of keeping it together

A lot of it has to do with learning what your body is capable of. Focusing on each individual concern one at a time. For instance, if the body isn’t able to produce as much lubrication anymore, buying a really nice bottle of lube to keep by the bed. If it pains you to hold your hips up a certain way, using a pillow or a liberator cushion under the hips. Intimacy is a big one, something that may require lots of time and effort on both parts. There are a ton of books out there about awakening the intimacy in your relationship.

I would suggest starting with ‘better than I ever expected’ by Joan Price. I read this book most recently and learned a lot from it. See if it rings true for you. And reach out to other books about sexuality. (I have a fuller list on my resources page.) If there is one subject in particular you’d like me to give more attention to, please resubmit. I’d love to go further in depth. For instance: Is there a specific loss of intimacy you feel? What does it look like? When does it happen? How would you describe your reduced stamina? What types of sex do you have, and how do you have them? How would you like to have them? I could go on for days about each of these things but only with more detail about you.

Until then, know this: sexuality is ageless, and if theres anyone out there who has given up, its time to try again.

Do you have questions about sex or love? Submit at the top by hitting ask advice and I’ll answer it on my blog. This week I am focusing on questions about relationship satisfaction.